Opinion When I Turned 40, I Realized I Had Emotionally Outgrown My Husband

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When I Turned 40, I Realized I Had Emotionally Outgrown My Husband​

I walked into the bedroom and found my husband watching television. It was Saturday afternoon and our children had games to get to. All of us were ready to get into the car.

"It’s time to go," I said.

"No one asked me what I wanted to do today," said my husband.

I was aggravated by his response.

"You decided what you were doing today," I said, "when you became a father."

He was annoyed but got up to leave with us.

I shocked him by having such a rapid no-nonsense response to his childishness.

Typically, I would simply plead with him to be rational or do the right thing.

But I was nearing my 40th birthday and I had lost my patience.​

Not long after, my husband began a weekly football escapade.

It was like being married to a frat boy.

He couldn't miss watching football with his friends and he had to get wasted. Let me frame this properly. I met my husband in college. There wasn’t much to do in Scranton, Pennsylvania besides drink.

My husband was drinking more than my college boyfriend. And they were the same guy.​

I was thinking how is this possible?

Around this time, my boys and I were in a car accident. The cars in front of me stopped and I stopped behind them. We lived in a rural area outside of Washington, D.C. with winding country roads.

I saw a car coming in my rearview mirror.

I had only one thought: All three of my boys were in the car with me.

The old man driving the car hit us and threw us into the oncoming lane. The side of my front bumper got caught in the car ahead of us. It was a double-impact accident.

I was so relieved the car seats had stayed secure.

I kept it together until the firemen arrived and I spotted a friend of my brother’s. It was like stimulus and response. My brother was a firefighter too. A familiar face allowed the tears to flow because I was so relieved my children were okay.

They urged me to go to the hospital but I refused.

They told me that the force with which we were hit mandated getting checked out. At the very least, they explained that since I braced for impact after seeing the car coming toward us, combined with the speed, meant I would have trouble moving in the days ahead.

I called my husband and he showed no concern for his family. He finished his workday like any other day and arrived home at his regular time.

The next day I could barely move.

It seemed the firefighters were correct. I got through as best I could but I was unable to carry our son upstairs. He was nearly a year and more than twenty pounds.

"I don’t think you can go away this weekend," I said.

"What do you mean?" said my husband.

He had an Arizona football weekend planned with his buddies.

"I’m afraid I can’t take care of our kids," I said. "I’m having a difficult time moving and as the day has gone on it’s getting more difficult. The firefighters tried to tell me this would happen because of the speed of impact but I didn’t believe it."

My husband eventually canceled his trip. But he was not happy.

You would think he would have been grateful his family was okay.

I walked past him in the garage the next day as he was sweeping. He was swiping that broom so furiously that it was hard not to notice his anger.

It was a full-on embarrassing and lacking self-respect adult tantrum.

"What’s wrong?" I said.

"I’m disappointed," he said. "I wanted to go away."

It was one of the first times I found my husband absolutely unattractive. It was gross seeing a grown man need to announce his mood to gain attention. Our children didn't even do that.

Things were piling up.

Emotionally my husband and I were no longer on a level playing field.

I wanted to shout, "Grow up! You are blessed your family is okay."

But all my husband could focus on was a missed boys' weekend.

At this point, I was emotionally outgrowing my husband.​

Was I conscious of this? Not entirely. I just felt annoyed and aggravated. I felt shocked and turned off. But I was still deeply engrained in our less-than-healthy relationship.

But I did remember something someone told me years before. It was floating in my memory. It was disappointing because I realized what my young self once discarded is actually coming true.

"You know," said my sister. "A lot of marriages end because one person emotionally outgrows the other."

I deposited this wisdom in the recesses of my mind.

I was in my twenties and newly married. I didn't think it applied to me.

I now realized it did apply to me. I was nearing the age of 40 before I completely digested this. Before I was forced to pluck it from my memory. In between, wanting to yell at my husband to, “Grow up!”

In truth, you could simply say I outgrew my husband. It’s not even necessary to say I emotionally outgrew him.

He wasn’t maturing at the same pace.​

There’s actually a bit of controversy about whether or not you can emotionally outgrow your spouse. As a relationship columnist, I’ve spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love, relationships, marriage, and divorce.

Emotionally outgrowing your spouse is definitely recognized.

At the same time, there’s a mitigating factor.

Are you really outgrowing your spouse? Or are they simply who they were all along?​

And you have matured enough or evolved or grown enough to recognize this is who they always were. In other words, you haven’t necessarily outgrown them because you both aren’t evolving at the same emotional maturity.

One of you hasn’t been stunted while the other grew.

You are both who you always were — only you’ve matured enough to recognize you’ve outgrown your spouse.​

I’m not gonna lie, even as a relationship expert it’s a lot to take in.

I’d have to say I agree with the latter. My husband and I weren’t moving through life and marriage together with one of us suddenly stunting our growth.

We weren’t both suddenly becoming different people.

We were both who we had always been. I just recognized I married someone who wasn’t fully an adult.

He was childlike if he didn’t get his way. He hadn’t evolved into full maturity. It appeared he had because he was professionally successful but he didn’t take accountability for all aspects of his life.

My husband was never going to move forward with me.

We were 40 years old. It wasn’t my responsibility to tell him to be responsible.

Sadly, once I realized I had emotionally outgrown my husband I remained in our marriage for too long. It’s an unhealthy relationship phenomenon that the longer we stay in an unhealthy marriage the more difficult it is to get out.

We get worn down.

We make excuses and we nobly (supposedly) attempt to rescue our marriage.

I wish my twenty-something newlywed self had listened more intently the day my sister shared some undeniable wisdom.

 

[Matt Damon]

"No one asked me what I wanted to do today," said my husband.

"I don’t think you can go away this weekend," I said.

"What do you mean?" said my husband.

He had an Arizona football weekend planned with his buddies.

Swears herself forever to manchild. Surprised when manchild still acts like a manchild years later.

Many such cases.

 

[Flamin Park]

I guarantee she checked out long before he did and withdrew sex and intimacy

That response means that he has been putting up with a sexless nag for long enough for him to just not give a shit anymore

She isn't growing, she's checking out and looking for excuses to be lazy

 

[Megaton Punch]

There wasn’t much to do in Scranton, Pennsylvania besides drink.

Scranton has a population of 76,000 and is part of a metro area with a population of over 500,000. The attitude of "UGGGHHHH I'm so BOREDDDD there's nothing to DOOOO" toward a city that has literally everything speaks volumes about this woman and her emotional growth - or more accurately, lack thereof.

 

[glass_houses]

I guarantee she checked out long before he did and withdrew sex and intimacy

That response means that he has been putting up with a sexless nag for long enough for him to just not give a shit anymore

She isn't growing, she's checking out and looking for excuses to be lazy

Not getting laid isn't an excuse for not giving a flying fuck about your kids. I know plenty of people who've had troubles in their relationships, they still took care of their kids even though they weren't happy with their spouses. This man won't even take care of his own toddler when he knows that his baby mama isn't physically capable of doing so, and goes and hides in the garage because he has to stay at home instead of going out and getting wasted with the boys.

As I said, the woman sounds insufferable, but this man kept sticking it in and had multiple children that he had no interest in raising. I can understand having one and realising that you've made a terrible mistake, but that's the point where you either quietly get the snip or leave the relationship.

Regardless of how you feel about your baby mama or baby dada, people who neglect or abandon the kids that they willingly made are scum.

 

[Kheapathic]

Since you are talking about proper writing, thought I’d point that out. It is right.

My phone hates me, but thank you.

 

[Flamin Park]

Not getting laid isn't an excuse for not giving a flying fuck about your kids. I know plenty of people who've had troubles in their relationships, they still took care of their kids even though they weren't happy with their spouses. This man won't even take care of his own toddler when he knows that his baby mama isn't physically capable of doing so, and goes and hides in the garage because he has to stay at home instead of going out and getting wasted with the boys.

As I said, the woman sounds insufferable, but this man kept sticking it in and had multiple children that he had no interest in raising. I can understand having one and realising that you've made a terrible mistake, but that's the point where you either quietly get the snip or leave the relationship.

Regardless of how you feel about your baby mama or baby dada, people who neglect or abandon the kids that they willingly made are scum.

What's the best this harpy got a few bruises and played it up like she was trying to get out of the draft

I'm sorry but the woman is supposed to keep her partner interested in the family, and this degree of checking out just screams sexual starvation so what's the point to me

 

[Matt Damon]

I'm sorry but the woman is supposed to keep her partner interested in the family

Bro. Bro.

If you have kids, you're supposed to keep yourself "interested in the family" like a fucking grown man. The idea that it's the wife's fault that he's more interested in his manchild hobbies than his children is ridiculous.

Imagine women saying "well, it's his fault she cheated because the man is supposed to keep his partner interested in staying faithful".

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Whenever a woman starts using newspeak about her relationship it basically means she can make up whatever shit she feels like to justify her decisions.

I was getting pretty bored with this thread but Disgruntled Puppers’ meltdown saved it. I’m glad I read it

 

[glass_houses]

What's the best this harpy got a few bruises and played it up like she was trying to get out of the draft

I'm sorry but the woman is supposed to keep her partner interested in the family, and this degree of checking out just screams sexual starvation so what's the point to me

Not getting laid doesn't mean you lose interest in your children. You may lose interest in your partner and in the marriage, but not your kids. I really don't understand how you think this. Also, it's fairly common for couples not to be intimate regularly when they have a bub or toddler, especially when the bub is colicky, but they somehow manage to get through it.

 

[Skeletonized Cow]

pretending like it's 1900 and if you leave your factory job early the bossman will whip and then fire you the next day.

My brother in Christ there are some absolutely shitty employers out there and absolutely will sack you over shit like this. I knew a guy who was sacked over going to visit his mother in the hospital. It was his first absence in six years, but because the bossman caught a hair up his ass, he got the pink slip as it wasn't an "approved absence."

 

[frozen_runner]

Marriage is a sham and has nothing to offer a man in the modern world. Exhibit A right here.

We have to extricate some of the things we think of as "marriage" from the word itself before throwing it all out.

Is there value to long-term pair bonding relationships, to raise children together but also as a stable form of meaning and happiness in life? Yes, of course.

Is there value to making a public declaration and celebration of cementing that bond with someone? Yes, there is.

Is there value to the legal construct that now accompanies this social bond and contract? In the West, increasingly, only to women. Because we lack the ability, collectively, to justify saying, "no," to the question of, "should we make things even better for women?"

 

[Eternal Gopnik]

Imagine women saying "well, it's his fault she cheated because the man is supposed to keep his partner interested in staying faithful".

Haha yeah, imagine that! That would be so crazy, right? Haha, yeah, just imagine. Oh man. Haha.

 

[Matt Damon]

Haha yeah, imagine that! That would be so crazy, right? Haha, yeah, just imagine. Oh man. Haha.

Yes, that does happen and any woman who says that is just as despicable as a man who thinks it's the wife's job to make him care about his children.

 

[Geddy Lee's Fee and See]

Threads like these make me realize most people don't know themselves to know what they need/want in a spouse and they are to feckless and frankly idiotic to realize that a relationship is a two way street. Don't get into one if you don't plan on contributing and don't have kids if you are a niggerball obsessed manchild or a literal fucking harpy with varying degrees of neuroses. Relationships and marriages tend to become way simpler when you operate on these premises alone and operate on a basis of mutual communication. I'm not shitting on people not in a relationship, but people that are in one without doing the basic level of making sure they can take care of their spouse and children.

 

[6MillionCoofs]

My phone hates me,

They hate all of us.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

Threads like these make me realize most people don't know themselves to know what they need/want in a spouse and they are to feckless and frankly idiotic to realize that a relationship is a two way street. Don't get into one if you don't plan on contributing and don't have kids if you are a niggerball obsessed manchild or a literal fucking harpy with varying degrees of neuroses. Relationships and marriages tend to become way simpler when you operate on these premises alone and operate on a basis of mutual communication. I'm not shitting on people not in a relationship, but people that are in one without doing the basic level of making sure they can take care of their spouse and children.

Any man obsessed with niggerball in current year plus eight is definitely a loser. I know way too many guys who define their life entirely by the Green Bay Packers or Kansas City Chiefs. It’s okay to watch their games if you got the time but some identify their entire lives around them.

 

[Jet Fuel Johnny]

Women are fucking dumb sometimes.

A lot of the time they think we aren't doing something, that we men aren't emotionally engaged, when we actually are.

We just don't wave our emotions around like a flag or use them to beat on people.

She doesn't think her husband cares about the kids, but I'll lay dollars to donuts that he's stood there, watching with a blank expression, as the kids played. Or did something while keeping one eye on the kids.

Too many women think men are too fucking dumb to handle kids, like men can't watch kids, and mistake "don't react" with "not doing anything." It's two basic differences. Mommy hovers over them, crying with them over every little scrape.

Dad just stands there, watching.

"He'll pull that down on himself."
"Yeah, once..."

Reading the article again, it's kind of funny. He strident insistence that she's perfect and shiny and he's a terrible horrible person is funny. Notice she doesn't say how many days a week he worked, or how many hours a day, or what he did.

I kept expecting her to talk about how she saved the peach for the children but her ungrateful husband came along and ate it.

Anyway, here's a funny comic showing how dad's react to children.

 

[Disgruntled Pupper]

No where does it say that. She easily could have given info about the crash, and here's the key part: down played the seriousness of it.

What makes you think he didn't ask all those questions? Was assured it was no big deal and not to worry about it? And you call me an idiot.

How do you know she did that? Why would she do that when it's pretty obvious she was scared and upset by the incident? How do you know he did ask those questions? You're making shit up to down play a pretty cut and dry case of a man being a piece of shit. Even if she did this little fantasy of yours, to not go check on your small children yourself after they've been in a crash like that is such a level of callousness it's inexcusable. But you'll pull another trite excuse for this guy failing the most basic level of being a decent human being out of your ass.

holy fuck, who wouldn't be angry in that situation?
the anger obviously isn't towards the person in the accident: shit happens and people get pissed sometimes because it fucks other things up

Anyone who's a mature adult wouldn't be angry. Your gay little weekend being shitcanned should be the furthest thing from your mind let alone something you're getting actively angry about.

Just because your go-to move when trying to feel better is fucking your dog doesn't mean abusing animals is everyone else's

Projecting your bestiality fetish on others is gross. Kill yourself zoophile.

My brother in Christ there are some absolutely shitty employers out there and absolutely will sack you over shit like this. I knew a guy who was sacked over going to visit his mother in the hospital. It was his first absence in six years, but because the bossman caught a hair up his ass, he got the pink slip as it wasn't an "approved absence."

How many other times have you heard or seen that happen in your life?

 

[Doseferatu]

I expected her to be insufferable but even putting the kindest gloss on it, he sounds pretty bad too.

Yeah, not really giving a shit when your family gets into an accident sounds like a garbage reaction - and throwing a fit because you want to go off with your buddies but your family needs you is pissy and entitled.

She called her husband before she was released from the scene. Mine would have both insisted that I go to the ER, and been there to take care of the kids, immediately, no matter what my protestations. Because that's what married couples do.

Amen. I'd have dropped everything in the event of an accident - fuck the job, I want to make sure my loved ones are safe.

The wife sounds insufferable, but everything she's describing sounds like a man who, at the absolute least, has completely lost interest in any sort of family life or his kids. Even if the relationship with his wife has completely broken down, if he gave any kinds of fucks about the kids he would spend the next few days following the accident watching them carefully for any signs of injury not immediately obvious, because that's what a normal parent does for their children. They certainly would not wander off to sweep the garage when there's an active toddler wandering about without an able bodied person there to wrangle the little bugger.

At best this was a man who had kids because "that's what's done" in his social circles, and discovered too late that he absolutely loathed being a father. At worst, this is a woman so fixated on appearances that it took her twenty years to realise that she married a full blown narc.

That's the crux of the issue - the world is peopled with narcissists who don't do family activities and instead regard their children as not only lesser than themselves but unworthy of any time and consideration at all. I don't know anything about their life together aside from what the woman has shared, but I'd be shocked if the father and mother actually did things with their kids. He's checked out a while ago, and while he's not obliged to love his wife, he should love his children more than his football time with his "boys." He sounds like a shit father even if the mother is all that the A&N comments are claiming she is, and I know of too many instances where parents neglected their kids because being around them wasn't as fun as being around their friends.

From the moment he refused to take care of the kids or check on anyone at the hospital, I would have told him, "Go watch football with your friends - don't bother coming home."

 

[Matt Damon]

Projecting your bestiality fetish on others is gross. Kill yourself zoophile.

Imagine getting this mad over some clickbait Internet article about (possibly fictitious) people you'll never meet.