I’ve taken breaks from her in the past, but I also have a trans daughter who wants a relationship with her grandmother. I’ve talked to some trans leaders in my community that have helped me think of ways to interact with her in ways that don’t do damage, but there’s no question it’s tiresome. (Part of the reason I can probably do it in my situation is because my wife and kids support me, my work supports me, my church supports me, and I’m in therapy. That gives me more emotional latitude for dealing with my mother—at least for now. We’ll see what that looks like in the future. I’ve blocked her for other shit in the past and don’t have a problem doing it again if needed, so that also gives her less leverage on me.)
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Agreed. It’s an interesting space to hope she changes without being damaged if she never does, because I’ve got to be authentic. Her desire for me to return to hiding is something I cannot and will not ever do again. (That’s part of why my journey from egg break to full out transition was so meteorically fast, as it wasn’t years, but just 4 months. Once I realized that I had been deceiving myself, I could not keep doing so without deceiving others—and that was something my soul could not abide!)
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Ironically, after this exhausting exchange, a local trans leader who leads my trans support group here pointed out that, if we parent our siblings or parents, we end up exhausted. The method she used was to allow exposure to do its work over time and, strategically, every few months, show how much their callousness hurts you by asking, “you know it hurts my feelings when you misgender me and call me the wrong name. Why are you trying to hurt me?” Then just sit in the discomfort for a few minutes.
The point she brought up is that everyone knows how to react to anger—but very few people can tune out actual hurt in someone they claim to love. It’s more vulnerable for us, but it cuts deeper than any angry outburst can.
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My mother’s a narc too!
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Yeah. I don’t know if I quite had the ability to realize that when I was younger but, as an adult, that seems far preferable—especially since she and my kid sister are trauma-bonded in a super unhealthy codependent way, which means my sister’s a “flying monkey” a lot of the time. (Originating from the movie version of The Wizard of Oz, “Flying Monkeys” are minions of narcissists. There’s actually a sub called “raisedbynarcisists” which covers a lot of these terms and can be a great place for support. My wife clued me in because, although my mom is a more passive narc, her mom’s an aggressive one!)
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I can say that, in my life, my mother is really conservative and is not affirming at all. (My father died when I was 18, so he’s not in the picture.) However, she didn’t disown me (even though I thought she would) and, now, she’s having to be exposed to me in girl mode every time I see her.
Sometimes we’re so sure that our parents will disown us that it rules us; when, as far as I can tell, most parents of adults don’t actually disown them for transitioning and, so long as they don’t refuse to see you, over time, there is good evidence for them coming around! (Because my mom is very religious, and I’m of the same faith, I also felt it helpful to just realize that, in heaven, a good God is going to put me in a feminine-aligned body—so my parents are going to have to get used to it there. If that’s going to be the case, anyway, then there’s no advantage in waiting until she’s dead to transition. Might as well do it now and give her more time to grow used to it!)
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I Feel that so hard! (My mom always wanted a girl, but I was AMAB, so she adopted my sister who was the golden child—but is now enmeshed. To complicate things, Megan was the name my mom chose if I’d been born a girl—so my re-claiming of it has additional emotional weight!)
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Occasionally, I think I see my sister realizing that she’s a lot more able to take her rightful place in our patriarchal family if the elder male is no longer male. But then she talks to my mom and gets confused all over again! (Sometimes it feels like the Christopher Nolan film, Memento!)
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