I'm post stage 1 of phalloplasty (without UL and burial, currently on the fence about if I want vaginectomy at stage 2), and something I'm really struggling with at the moment is being able to think of myself as sexy, and in particular to think of my genitals as a sexual part of myself.
I think there's a few different aspects to it. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on any of them.
Firstly, I've dealt with my genitals purely through a medical lens for a while, so I feel my brain is still primed to view it that way when it comes up.
Secondly, I think I have a lot of internalised transphobia particularly around bottom surgery stigma. I don't actually know any other trans men who've had bottom surgery, and the trans men I do have definitely calmed down on their bottom surgery shit talking after I asked them to stop a couple of years ago, but doesn't undo what I've already heard from them (and from cis people) or make it feel like I'm not still being silently judged.
Thirdly, I think I'm being hit with what I can only describe as 'mourning about the fact that my body is never going to not need explanation'. If I call myself transmasc to somebody, they will always assume I have a vagina and don't have a penis (and will bottom, but that's another conversation). If I describe myself as post-bottom surgery, they're not going to be expecting the two dicks situation. In fairness, I have basically written off casual sex as a possibility for myself anyway and I am in a long term relationship (that's technically open, but in practice neither of us have the time or the energy), but it's still in mind. I worry that I'll never be able to engage in sex/kink spaces (even just with my partner) without being expected to do a lot of education on Why My Body Is Like That in a way I wouldn't even if I were a non-bottom surgery transmasc.
Fourthly, I think I struggle to think of myself as somebody who has a body that's sexually desirable because I've just... never seen it? I've seen exactly one piece of furry art of somebody with a phallo like mine (not even a furry, they're just better at depicting diverse bodies so I knew they were the best shot). When people depict or are into transmascs, it's not people like me, but my body also doesn't look like the average cis male body either. When I'm not thinking about sex, I really like my new dick and it makes me feel whole... but then when I think about it in a sexual context I get anxious about all the ways it just Does Not Do the things that seem to be centered when people talk about being into penises (ejaculate, get hard on its own, etc).
TTD when??
