Phalloplasty Regret PART 1
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I am in a strange place as of lately. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I am a shell of the strong person I once was. I feel defeated and the kind of depression I’ve never felt possible. I see others who are so excited for phalloplasty and I just want to scream out and tell them, it’s not the answer. That this surgery is not up to the standards it should be, that Surgeons and their aftercare are subpar.
I went to one of the most sought out surgeons in the world and what I experienced is much like a horror film. Keep in mind, I was physically/mentally strong at the time. But, while I am not the type of person who has a victim mindset or complex, I really feel as though my surgeon lied. Many of us feel this way. He kept telling me that this surgery has a less than 5% complication rate. That the complications were simple to fix should they happen. Turns out, even the best surgeon in the world has at least a 30-40 and even 50% complication rate. Also, people were having irreversible complications at that time I questioned him. Horrible ones. Even when I asked many times, he wasn’t transparent about them. I think that is what bothers me the most. Is that I had planned on metoidiplasty and then he (without my even asking) started talking about phalloplasty and how great it was. This obviously peaked my interest and yet I was told on many occasions that it was nothing to be afraid of. Had I known now what would unfold, I would have never gotten the surgery. I am very level headed and quite honestly, I don’t wish this on anyone.
So here I am, with a phallus that hardly works. Here I am having gone from a very healthy sex life to literally ZERO, yes, ZERO sex in the last three years. I can’t explain the level of inadequacy I feel. I’ve sought out other surgeons and they all say the same thing, that I ought to remove what I have and start over. The worst part is? The nerve that creates the erogenous sensation will no longer work. You can’t hook it up twice. Again, had I known this as a possibility, had I known half my dick would rot off, had I simply had a surgeon who was transparent, I would have never opted for it.
I feel like the most sacred part of me was stolen. Sure, I signed up for this surgery, I take responsibility. But when the list of facts and complication rates are not fully presented to me, that is negligent on his part. Withholding pertinent information that could change someone’s mind, is crucial. When you are seeking to make $400k on someone’s surgery, I can understand why a surgeon would want to leave it all out. It’s greedy, it’s ego drive, it’s cruel. I am left to pick up the pieces. I am left to foot the bill and add on $500 in monthly therapy. I am left with crippling depression.
Here’s the thing though, even if everything would have turned out slightly okay, I’m telling you, this sh*t doesn’t look real. I obviously saw hundreds of pictures, so obviously I knew it wouldn’t look like a cis penis. I consider myself to be a very well-informed, educated, down-to-earth person with expectations. But, the feeling I had pre surgery, the sensation, the pure bliss, it will never ever be the same. The sensation they tell you that you will feel, it’s a blatant lie. Just many of us aren’t willing to be honest.
I don’t know why so many of us are so shamed in not speaking up or out. When many of us do, we are ridiculed, we are SHAMED by our brothers. I can understand in a sense. There is so much red tape for us to get through to even have access to these surgeries, that if some or many (yes, there are more of us that feel this way than most know about), it could cause less access for others. I am tired of feeling like I don’t have a voice, I’m tired of being in the middle of trying to be PC, not give out too much information because I know from experience, that it only makes people angry. People seeking it out try to ignore the facts (or aren’t given them properly), they are blinded by excitement. I too was once in that boat. I’m no longer scared to be forthright in my opinions. I also understand it’s a balancing act of simply stating MY facts, MY opinions and also having to say “Oh, well my words do not reflect the opinions and experiences of all trans folks.”
To me, this surgery isn’t worth it. To me, it exacerbated my dysphoria. To me, there is and was something beautiful about my body pre-surgery. To me, I think more focus on questioning my desires to get this surgery, more focus on learning to love the body I was in was the answer. This surgery, isn’t going to change or cure dysphoria. Often, it will take a very long time for one’s brain to catch up with this new thing on their body. But even then, it’s not the same as before. It never will be.
I just want to put parts of my thoughts/story out there in case someone may relate to, be questioning or wanting to get phalloplasty. It isn’t as amazing as so many make it out to be. I don’t know why people are more obsessed about making it seem incredible via YouTube and Instagram. I wish more of us would really lay it out, but again, I know why I haven’t before. As I mentioned, people aren’t willing to listen, they just get angry. There isn’t much support.
In closing, we also feel like we need to worship these surgeons when honestly (excluding the one surgeon I have come into contact with who seems to care) see us as a cash cow. Just be careful, protect yourself. Do some really deep inner work. Question WHY you feel the need to get it. I really think it’s up to a person to feel whole and do that unsettling inner work. Getting surgery isn’t going to complete someone. It has to happen in your brain first. I’ll write more later. Maybe I’ll be more detailed but I am also wanting to stay anonymous.
