How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

Content, for now. I went to an eye exam this morning and they had to diilate my pupils, so things are still kind of blurry. But it's improving.
 
I found someone I'm incredibly compatible with on paper. Shared interests, overlap in personality type, similar social class and professions. He's single and swings my way. Every bit of light internet stalking I do further confirms this theoretical compatibility.

He lives half a world away and doesn't know I exist yet, but those are surmountable problems. As it happens, I have work experience that makes me perfect for a position at his company. We both work from home, and his company holds regular international meetups, which is WAY more plausible than a "hey you don't know me but-" from some random stranger on the internet.

Creepy and heartwarming are vast kingdoms, but the border between them is whether that creeping was successful. If we get along, wonderful! Fate brought us together! I'll tell him I saw him long before he saw me three years after I get a ring on it and we'll laugh about it. If we don't, I was just there by chance. I wasn't targeting him at all.

Remember kids, you're only crazy if you obsessively pine and/or you fail. Taking a little initiative and throwing your ambition behind your dating life isn't the same thing as taking pictures from the bushes.
 
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SouthernBitchBob said:
I found someone I'm incredibly compatible with on paper. Shared interests, overlap in personality type, similar social class and professions. He's single and swings my way. Every bit of light internet stalking I do further confirms this theoretical compatibility.

He lives half a world away and doesn't know I exist yet, but those are surmountable problems. As it happens, I have work experience that makes me perfect for a position at his company. We both work from home, and his company holds regular international meetups, which is WAY more plausible than a "hey you don't know me but-" from some random stranger on the internet.

Creepy and heartwarming are vast kingdoms, but the border between them is whether that creeping was successful. If we get along, wonderful! Fate brought us together! I'll tell him I saw him long before he saw me three years after I get a ring on it and we'll laugh about it. If we don't, I was just there by chance. I wasn't targeting him at all.

Remember kids, you're only crazy if you obsessively pine and/or you fail. Taking a little initiative and throwing your ambition behind your dating life isn't the same thing as taking pictures from the bushes.
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Nah that's still pretty creepy bud.
 
dick brain said:
Nah that's still pretty creepy bud.
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I mean sure, by the modern standard of "being interested in anyone, at any time, for any reason outside the explicit confines of a dating app is badwrong gross ew stalker!"

I see no problem with hitting on someone and being willing to take no for an answer.

It's only not creepy when women do it.
 
dick brain said:
I just feel so alone man.

I miss being loved.

I'm trying to not need to be loved, to not use love to fill a void, to love myself. But like... is it really healthy/reasonable to not need to be loved? Isn't that part of the hierarchy of needs? Isn't that what the Harlow monkey experiments demonstrate?

Ideally one is loved by their family and other forms of love are optional, but what are you supposed to do if you were robbed of that? A healthy romantic relationship comes from an abundance of love rather than a deficit, but is it healthier to be in an unhealthy relationship than to have no intimacy/emotional support at all?

I want to get to the point where I can be in a healthy relationship, where I'm not using someone to replace the love I didn't get, and I'm taking steps and making good progress, but it fucking sucks having nobody there for me in the process. I wish I could just pay somebody for a shoulder to cry on, or just mutually consent to something unhealthy and temporary. I wish the friends I made weren't as fucked up as I am. I wish I had proper parents, a proper childhood, but that's never happening so I have to stop wishing for it.

I wish I didn't have to withdraw or put up a wall to deal with it in the meantime.

I should probably just make some new friends, but that feels like the same thing at this juncture -- going out and finding people to make me feel better, using people to feel better, instead of getting better.

If it was just a matter of riding it out it wouldn't be so bad, but actually doing the legwork and making the changes and facing the demons all alone is fucking rough.

It'll get better soon, I just wish I had somebody to help me get through the hard parts.
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I think people should step back and accept the evidence of their eyes and ears over the verbal narratives people spew regarding love, relationships, life, etc. Everyone goes through life with this just-world hypothesis, or that somehow, things will always work out in the end, but that's always relative. People believe in so many superstitions and lies about so many things, things they don't question, and love, or at least our modern western cultural understanding of what it is and how we interrelate with other people, is all just another unquestioned superstition.

You get showed a series of happy images when you're young and you've got those natural hormones, too. You get conditioned into wanting a certain kind of life. You grow up watching movies and TV shows where all the characters are dynamic and unique. But real life isn't like that. And what we're conditioned into wanting doesn't actually exist and it never did. Our western ideas about "love" and stable relationships is just a fucking Santa Claus myth for adulthood. All fueled on by popular entertainment showing people a false reality. Countless people have been born, lived, suffered, and died all for nothing, many were born ill, weak, disfigured, or they had some sort of accident later in life that rendered them ineligible for romance.

Withdrawing and putting up a wall is all you can do, because it do be like this, and it do be like this always.

The truth is that while in an ideal world a relationship is two people working as a team, in real life it's usually one person carrying the other. And in a relationship, there's no guarantee the person you go to bed with will be the same person you wake up with in the morning. The good news about "love" being a bit of a joke is that most of the time you're actually better off without it regardless of how you may feel. It's always a "grass is greener" situation.
 
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I have come to the conclusion that everyone else is a figment of my imagination, and I'm just insane, probably locked in a padded cell somewhere.

Nervous about a test I need to take? Wow it's a great thing that it's not real.

About to get angry at someone? What's the point of getting angry at someone that's not real.

I have never been better in my life.
 
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As I'm getting older I'm starting realize more and more just how out of place I feel with my peers. To be vague I'll just say I'm a younger lad with his whole life ahead of him, and all that gay shit. But when I interact with other people of my age group I just feel so standoffish, from their mannerisms to the lingo, I can't help but ask myself, "are we really the same generation?" I have always been more of an old soul, or so friends and family tell me, and I have never used any of the big social media, like Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, etc. so I just kind of developed in my own little sphere.

I'm not really sad or upset at this, I have always been more of a one man band. Some days I feel a little isolated, but others I can't help but be happy at my inherent anachronistic nature, because its certainly better than the alternative, and its just who I am.
 
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Neurotypical Mantis said:
turned my whole room upside down but can't find my wrist splint :mad:
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Dude I thought I lost my brand new ear buds. Flipped my home upside down looking, gave up, and ordered another pair. As soon as the new ones were delivered, I found the first pair, in the same place I looked a dozen times.
 
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Overwritten Tapes said:
Dude I thought I lost my brand new ear buds. Flipped my home upside down looking, gave up, and ordered another pair. As soon as the new ones were delivered, I found the first pair, in the same place I looked a dozen times.
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every fucking time. i'm starting to believe all those norse myths about house goblin gnome things are true
 
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Hitchhiker said:
I have come to the conclusion that everyone else is a figment of my imagination, and I'm just insane, probably locked in a padded cell somewhere.

Nervous about a test I need to take? Wow it's a great thing that it's not real.

About to get angry at someone? What's the point of getting angry at someone that's not real.

I have never been better in my life.
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Reminds me of a bit from the TV show, Legion, a mantra the schizo main character uses to reassure himself:

"Nothing that hurts me is real. No one who hates me is real"
 
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Hitchhiker said:
I have come to the conclusion that everyone else is a figment of my imagination, and I'm just insane, probably locked in a padded cell somewhere.

Nervous about a test I need to take? Wow it's a great thing that it's not real.

About to get angry at someone? What's the point of getting angry at someone that's not real.

I have never been better in my life.
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Sometimes I think I'm the only sane one, and that I should put up a sign on the inside of my door saying "YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE ASYLUM" to remind myself of the loony bin the rest of the world is, and start calling myself "[anustart76] the Sane".
 
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I've been trying to find work for some time but I haven't had any success, at this point it's like my credentials have rotted away and i don't have the charisma to fake it. I'm wondering if joining the army corps somewhere is an option. If i was American I'd enlist in the Lone Star corps, but I guess i'll have to bank on my country imploding before it can join the fray
 
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Lurker Child said:
Other than that, I realized that for my work and sense of life to be bountiful, I need to be in love. I need some sense, some thing that infatuates me, propels me in how it possesses me. Not even a woman. Some place, some sensuality, a memory, a visual, a dream. I think about how in past times I seemed to write and do so much and with ease. I was in love. That was why.
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Passion gives purpose, and purpose gives passion.

I'll loan you my favorite quote for a minute.

"To burn always with this hard, gem-like flame, to maintain this ecstasy, is success in life."

- Walter Pater


Forsaken Wanderer said:
@Friend of Dorothy Parker
Thanks, I can't think of anything I would like to do at the moment other than something that doesn't require talking to anyone like a council lawn mower. Something outdoors and quiet. Really a long break from working is what I want dearly.

The problem is that your energy and will to live is taken away from you by the 5 days of grueling pain you are subjected to every week, it really zaps your resolve to find something you can change for the better. The opportunities appear to be quite sparse in the 2020s anyway.

Everything about my current job is dissatisfying. It's constant stress, I start at 6 am, I usually don't get a break or anything to eat, the people I work with aren't able to have a conversation, I have to be on call some weekends, and while it's busy the day goes by slowly because of all the high level issues I have to diagnose. The pay would be okay if the cost of living would stop rising. There is nothing about it I could change other than quitting but I might lose everything if I do and the place might well explode without me there.

All I do outside of work is come home, close the curtains and have a big glass of cask wine and a couple of beers and use the computer until I fall asleep. There isn't much else to do, the stench of decay is in the air and the world is so sickly that escapism is the only way to detox and reduce insanity. We all dream of going unhinged and breaking free. Finding a way to integrate into society is not an option anymore as it has become entirely alien. Why would we be happy when so many of us will have nothing but meager pay and video games waiting for us in every decade.
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Well, you can see from the quote I included for someone else that I don't share your perspective on the world or what it has to offer.

But if you notice, what you did in your reply to me was to start out answering my qs (TY, btw) then devolved in an absolutely apocalyptic pronouncement on the entire world and future. I really think your focus on or distraction by that kind of thing (which, true or not, you can't change or influence in the macro sense) is making it harder for you to address some things in your personal universe. Man, even life in the most beautiful, peaceful place with no worries or concerns would suck with that hanging over your head.

I believe you that you are ground down and worn down. But that isn't everyone's experience, so it isn't inevitable or an objective truth that work, or life, does that. Also, escapism is not the only pleasure available - that is entirely a choice - one that is deeply engrained and that feels justified, I get it.

There isn't much to do? Or just nothing that doesn't take what feels like more energy than you have?

I agree 6 am sucks*. Why must it be? Why don't you eat? What would lose if you quit?

* I too often work until 6 am, by choice, but having to be up and somewhere 5 days/week by 6 would make me very unhappy. Though I did get in before 7 one day this week. No prob starting early if at home, but I had to get up at 5 to be in by 7, and that's not a habitual schedule for My late night tendencies self ....

I can promise you one thing, though: separate and apart from your need for the job, assuming you're an employee, the fate of your workplace is not your responsibility.

Nick Obre said:
I won't see her for a whole week at a time
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y'all don't have to do full weeks (that's a long time if your kid is little, especially)

Harbinger of Kali Yuga said:
Everyone goes through life with this just-world hypothesis, or that somehow, things will always work out in the end,
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No, no they don't. But living with no guarantees isn't inherently bleak. At all.
 
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