Patrick Sean Tomlinson / @stealthygeek / "Torque Wheeler" / @RealAutomanic / Kempesh / Padawan v2.5 - "Conservative" sci-fi author with TDS, armed "drunk with anger management issues" and terminated parental rights, actual tough guy, obese, paid Quasi, paid thousands to be repeatedly unbanned from Twitter

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AeroGavin Rossdale said:
Do we have a Tolkien thread or something because there is a piece of lore I half remember or maybe imagined in a dream that's been nagging at me for a bit. Didn't someone try to waylay men's souls before they reached Illuvatar and Illuvatar handled the problem personally?

There is, I'm just a dumb dumb who can't search apparently. Thank you, @Booby Jones.
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The Númenoreans tried to enter Valinor because they incorrectly thought they‘d become immortal if they moved to Valinor. Ilúvatar drowned the fuckers for their insolence.
 
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VF-1S Valkyrie said:
The souls of men aren't supposed to go back to Illuvatar.
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Hm. I'm pretty sure I'm thinking of a discarded draft idea then.
bisonwarlock said:
Ilúvatar drowned the fuckers for their insolence.
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Yeah, had to be a draft idea that got discarded. When Iluvatar gets involved the world stops being flat, it would probably be a big deal if he took personal offense at someone.
 
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Saw we talkin Tolkien in relation to Fatagast the Pink and decided to check his xitter to see if he has ever shown some knowledge of the lore beyond what is easily memorable from the movies and big shock......no. No he has not.

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Infact it seems he may not have even seen the fucking movies if tweets like this are any indication...
keep your fat tongue behind your teeth.png
 
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Judge Holden said:
Saw we talkin Tolkien in relation to Fatagast the Pink and decided to check his xitter to see if he has ever shown some knowledge of the lore beyond what is easily memorable from the movies and big shock......no. No he has not.

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Infact it seems he may not have even seen the fucking movies if tweets like this are any indication...
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jeez who are those tweets aimed at? is there a single person that reads those tweets and even has a token chuckle? I don't even imagine pat is laughing at his own comedy genius he probably writes those out when drunk and angry
 
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Judge Holden said:
Saw we talkin Tolkien in relation to Fatagast the Pink and decided to check his xitter to see if he has ever shown some knowledge of the lore beyond what is easily memorable from the movies and big shock......no. No he has not.

View attachment 5716168View attachment 5716169
View attachment 5716170
View attachment 5716171

Infact it seems he may not have even seen the fucking movies if tweets like this are any indication...
View attachment 5716172
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Dumb motherfucker can't even spell Gollum or Pippin right, of course he doesn't know shit about the history of Arda.

Truth be told, I literally don't think Pat could read the  Silmarillion. It's dense and old-style poetic enough that even die-hard Tolkien nerds have struggled with it. Someone like Pat with his 1.7 GPA and refusal to reread books could never hack it.

Let's take the first sentence of the Ainulindalë: "There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made."

Pat would maybe get as far as "Ainur" and then his brain would shit itself and go into safe mode due to the lack of broad pop culture references and Whedonesque quips.
 
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Second Missing Primarch said:
Dumb motherfucker can't even spell Gollum or Pippin right, of course he doesn't know shit about the history of Arda.

Truth be told, I literally don't think Pat could read the  Silmarillion. It's dense and old-style poetic enough that even die-hard Tolkien nerds have struggled with it. Someone like Pat with his 1.7 GPA and refusal to reread books could never hack it.

Let's take the first sentence of the Ainulindalë: "There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made."

Pat would maybe get as far as "Ainur" and then his brain would shit itself and go into safe mode due to the lack of broad pop culture references and Whedonesque quips.
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Imma keep it real with you pookie......I would unironically read a total rewrite of the Silmarilion by fatrick

Imagine the unfathomable horror he would turn shit like Fingolfin's duel with Morgoth into...
Now news came to Hithlum that Dorthonion was lost and the sons of Finarfin overthrown, and that the sons of Fëanor were driven from their lands. Then Fingolfin beheld... the utter ruin of the Noldor, and the defeat beyond redress of all their houses; and filled with wrath and despair he mounted upon Rochallor his great horse and rode forth alone, and none might restrain him. He passed over Dor-nu-Fauglith like a wind amid the dust, and all that beheld his onset fled in amaze, thinking that Oromë himself was come: for a great madness of rage was upon him, so that his eyes shone like the eyes of the Valar. Thus he came alone to Angband's gates, and he sounded his horn, and smote once more upon the brazen doors, and challenged Morgoth to come forth to single combat.

And Morgoth came.

That was the last time in those wars that he passed the doors of his stronghold, and it is said that he took not the challenge willingly; for... alone of the Valar he knew fear. But he could not now deny the challenge before the face of his captains; for... Fingolfin named Morgoth craven.... Therefore Morgoth... issued forth clad in black armour; and he stood before the King like a tower, iron-crowned, and his vast shield, sable unblazoned, cast a shadow over him like a stormcloud. But Fingolfin gleamed beneath it as a star; for his mail was overlaid with silver, and his blue shield was set with crystals; and he drew his sword Ringil, that glittered like ice.

Then Morgoth hurled aloft Grond, the Hammer of the Underworld, and swung it down like a bolt of thunder. But Fingolfin sprang aside, and Grond rent a mighty pit in the earth.... Many times Morgoth essayed to smite him, and each time Fingolfin leaped away...; and he wounded Morgoth with seven wounds, and seven times Morgoth gave a cry of anguish, whereat the hosts of Angband fell upon their faces in dismay, and the cries echoed in the Northlands.

But at the last the King grew weary, and Morgoth bore down his shield upon him. Thrice he was crushed to his knees, and thrice arose again and bore up his broken shield and stricken helm. But the earth was all... pitted about him, and he stumbled and fell backward before the feet of Morgoth; and Morgoth set his left foot upon his neck.... Yet with his last and desperate stroke Fingolfin hewed the foot with Ringil, and the blood gushed forth black and smoking and filled the pits of Grond.

Thus died Fingolfin, High King of the Noldor, most proud and valiant of the Elven-kings of old. The Orcs made no boast of that duel at the gate; neither do the Elves sing of it, for their sorrow is too deep. Yet the tale of it is remembered still, for Thorondor King of Eagles brought the tidings to Gondolin, and to Hithlum afar off. And Morgoth took the body of the Elven-king and broke it, and would cast it to his wolves; but Thorondor came hasting from his eyrie among the peaks of the Crissaegrim, and he stooped upon Morgoth and marred his face. The rushing of the wings of Thorondor was like the noise of the winds of Manwë, and he seized the body in his mighty talons, and soaring suddenly above the darts of the Orcs he bore the King away. And he laid him upon a mountain-top that looked from the north upon the hidden valley of Gondolin; and Turgon coming built a high cairn over his father. No Orc dared ever after to pass over the mound of Fingolfin or draw nigh his tomb, until the doom of Gondolin was come and treachery was born among his kin. Morgoth went ever halt of one foot after that day, and the pain of his wounds could not be healed; and in his face was the scar that Thorondor made.

Great was the lamentation in Hithlum when the fall of Fingolfin became known....
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Judge Holden said:
Saw we talkin Tolkien in relation to Fatagast the Pink and decided to check his xitter to see if he has ever shown some knowledge of the lore beyond what is easily memorable from the movies and big shock......no. No he has not.

View attachment 5716168View attachment 5716169
View attachment 5716170
View attachment 5716171

Infact it seems he may not have even seen the fucking movies if tweets like this are any indication...
View attachment 5716172
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Nah, not only because he misunderstands the themes but he missed this obvious joke
Gandalf: A wizard is never late..
Gandalf: Entire first half of Fellowship is about him being late to Bree
 
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Using Dark AI sorcery I created a simulacrum of the Silmarilion as written by fatrick

In the realm of Hithlum, bluesky was buzzing with the latest gossip: Dorthonion had bitten the dust, the sons of Finarfin got a rude awakening, and the sons of Fëanor found themselves evicted from their cushy digs. Fingolfin, witnessing the total dumpster fire that was the Noldor's situation, couldn't help but channel his inner rage monster.

Mounting his trusty mustang, Rochallor, he rode off into the chaos, fueled by a cocktail of fury and despair greater than that of a thousand nerds hearing Firefly was cancelled. Seriously, it was like watching a one-elf wrecking crew in action. Folks were running for cover, thinking Oromë had decided to crash the party. Fingolfin's eyes were practically shooting sparks, giving the Valar themselves a run for their money.

So, he pulls up to Angband's front door, blows his horn, and challenges Morgoth to a little mano a mano. And what do you know? Morgoth actually shows up. It was like the showdown scene in every epic movie ever made, except Morgoth was like an off-brand Thanos with a bad attitude.

It was the last time Morgoth dared to step outside his safe space. Rumor has it, he wasn't exactly thrilled about it, being the only Valar with a fear factor. But hey, when you're called out in front of your whole squad, you gotta save face, right? So out he stomps, decked out in his signature black armor, looking like the grumpy old man he is.

Meanwhile, Fingolfin's shining like a disco ball, armed to the teeth with a sword that's more sparkly than your aunt's jewelry collection.

Morgoth swings his big bad hammer, Grond, but Fingolfin's got moves like Jagger, dodging like he's playing a game of whack-a-mole. Every swing from Morgoth's side, Fingolfin's ducking and weaving, leaving the dude with more scars than a battle-scarred veteran. The Angband trolls and stalkers' jaws hit the floor as their boss starts howling like a wounded puppy.

But even heroes get tired, and eventually, Fingolfin takes a tumble. The ground's all cratered around him, and Morgoth's all like, "Checkmate."

But wait! In a last-ditch effort, Fingolfin sticks it to Morgoth with a sword in the foot, causing blood to gush like a busted water main. "Too slow child" he chuckles as he dies.

And that's the end of Fingolfin, folks! The OG Noldor king, gone in a blaze of glory. The Orcs keep their mouths shut about the whole thing, and the Elves are too emo to sing about it. But you bet your bottom dollar, this epic showdown's gonna be talked about for ages.

Thorondor, the Eagle King, swoops in to spread the news to Gondolin and Hithlum, making sure Fingolfin's legend lives on. And as for Morgoth? Well, he's left nursing a scar on his face, courtesy of Thorondor's talons and seething like Trump after losing the election.

Fingolfin gets a VIP burial on a mountaintop, courtesy of his son Turgon. And you can bet your bottom dollar, no one's messing with his final resting place. Not until Gondolin's got traitors in its midst, anyway.

Yep, Hithlum's mourning alright. But hey, at least they've got one heck of a story to tell at the next elf barbeque. And I wouldn't be surprised if Hollywood picks up the rights to this saga. And you can bet they'll CGI Morgoth to look even more like a wannabe Thanos.
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If you will excuse me I need to listen to this shit on a loop for the next 8 hours to force myself to forget ever creating this
 
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Second Missing Primarch said:
Dumb motherfucker can't even spell Gollum or Pippin right, of course he doesn't know shit about the history of Arda.

Truth be told, I literally don't think Pat could read the  Silmarillion. It's dense and old-style poetic enough that even die-hard Tolkien nerds have struggled with it. Someone like Pat with his 1.7 GPA and refusal to reread books could never hack it.

Let's take the first sentence of the Ainulindalë: "There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Ilúvatar; and he made first the Ainur, the Holy Ones, that were the offspring of his thought, and they were with him before aught else was made."

Pat would maybe get as far as "Ainur" and then his brain would shit itself and go into safe mode due to the lack of broad pop culture references and Whedonesque quips.
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The Silmarillion?

Fat couldn’t even read the Narnia books or Harry Potter.
The complexity of whether or not Wardrobes contain Lions, witches and lampposts would puzzle and terrify him.

He claimed he read Dune but I hugely fucking doubt it.

He might have read the manual for the Cryo Video game based on the film, but I really don’t think he would have followed the book.

The Silmarillion is literally the Kalevala of Tolkien, the Kalevala being a complex mess that possibly makes sense in Finnish, but is an insane ramble about ancient old men heroes being born of fish and strange maidens.

Beowulf, the Saga of the Volsung and Snorri Snorrisson’s transcription of Norse legends are the lord of the rings to the Kalevala’s Silmarillion, for a comparison.

If they are compared to Fatrick’s works however, they make Fatrick’s “novels” look like racist graffiti written in dogshit on a church wall.

Then again, so do mills and Boone novels.
 
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FinnSven said:
The Silmarillion?

Fat couldn’t even read the Narnia books or Harry Potter.
The complexity of whether or not Wardrobes contain Lions, witches and lampposts would puzzle and terrify him.

He claimed he read Dune but I hugely fucking doubt it.

He might have read the manual for the Cryo Video game based on the film, but I really don’t think he would have followed the book.

The Silmarillion is literally the Kalevala of Tolkien, the Kalevala being a complex mess that possibly makes sense in Finnish, but is an insane ramble about ancient old men heroes being born of fish and strange maidens.

Beowulf, the Saga of the Volsung and Snorri Snorrisson’s transcription of Norse legends are the lord of the rings to the Kalevala’s Silmarillion, for a comparison.

If they are compared to Fatrick’s works however, they make Fatrick’s “novels” look like racist graffiti written in dogshit on a church wall.

Then again, so do mills and Boone novels.
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I would pay good money to see Pat read the Kalevala and try to explain what the fuck the Sampo is.
 
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