Just fucking can't TW: Self harm, Suicide, Assholery
The constant fucking stress, anxiety, and the fucking urge to end it all. I fucking scratch myself and ofc I have decently sharp nails so it makes me fucking bleed. My family is currently just trying to get me out of my school, the only place I have any comfort around my friends, and even then I don't even fucking know if they even enjoy me being around or if they are just faking it, they seem disgusted, annoyed every time i'm around.
I am currently trying to listen to music as that is what usually calms me down but oh, it ain't fucking working. My internet is being so fucking slow so the music is so fucking slow, constantly lagging, so that ain't fun the fucking ads just push me to more of an edge, the constant fucking judgement I feel from everyone, I just don't know what to do.
I'm constantly called a disappointment, a fat-ass, worthless, all the fucking slurs under the sun, and the person at my school who bullies me, who nearly made me kill myself, is coming back so this is fucking fun, everytime i even speak at my school someone just constantly says, 'oh just shut the fuck up' and ofc the school don't do anything they just let people do anything they want, its not just terrible at school, its like the same fucking thing happens at my home, I just cant escape anywhere. Go anywhere.
I am just stuck in a vicious cycle of abuse and bullying any where I go, what can I even do? I don't fucking know. I am running out of cards to play, when everyone else has just has the full deck for some reason. I am just constantly apparently the reason for everything wrong that happens, I am everyone's fucking emotional punching bag. Literally the only thing that is stopping me from killing myself, is I put goals for me to do before I die. But when I run out, I don't know what to do. I am probably going to delete this later, just not at a good place right now, just need to vent. Sorry for the length
I don't fucking know if anyone that I know even cares about me in the fucking slightest, every single time I even say a single thing, people just are such assholes, In class I could raise my fucking hand to use the restroom and people fucking tell me to shut up. I try to be happy, I really do. So many people see just some random kid with such perfect life, they don't fucking know a fucking thousandth of what I go through every fucking day, the amount of panic attacks i'm having, used to be I'd get one or two a month, then it went to like once a week, then everyday, now I'm getting like 3 or sometimes 4 a day.
My parents are now yelling at me to calm the fuck down, every single time I through an attack tell me to just be calm, BE CALM?! OH DON'T YOU THINK I FUCKING TRIED THAT! and now here i am freaking out here bc I don't have any fucking better thing to do. my fucking hand is shaking, ive already thrown my laptop on the ground twice from how shaky my hands are I cant fucking trust anyone everyone i fucking talk to in some way had fucking done me wrong, all bc i am just different, ah different, I am very weird! I don't fit in, I'm basically wearing a sign saying, "Oh hey everyone! I am a freak, you can hurt me as much as you want! all because I don't fight back and bottle up emotions to a point where I eventually explode!" and then everyone fucking does it.
Maybe they don't notice they're doing it, oh, but it fucking hurts! My arm is fucking bleeding on my bed! now i need to fucking clean it up! my only way to calm me down is currently broken so I just sit here with a smile on my face, feeling the blood drip down my fucking arm! SO much fun! I am barely even okay, my heart is pumping so fast, tears running down my fucking face I just fucking can't