I'm having an existential crisis.
TRIGGER WARNING
Trigger warning tag for safety's sake. This is not a fun read. Nor was it easy to write.
I've been having some doubts. Not doubts of being transgender but deeper thoughts about who I really am. My HRT dosage just got doubled and it's about to get real real soon. I've had these questions before but recently they've been knocking at the door pretty much all the time now.
The face in the mirror is not me. I didn't realize it until recently that I've kinda always felt like a passenger in life. Going through the motions and trying to be something I'm not.
But who am I? What am I? All behavior is learned, right? If who I have been is an accumulation of learned behavior then what part of me is the real me? Strip away the behaviors and traits I've learned and imitated what is left? Is that me? Where is that line? Where does my imitation end and I begin? How do I live true to myself if I don't know who that is?
My path to discovery is clouded. I'm not sure anymore. Not sure I'm capable of finding out an even deeper truth. Or capable of handling it.
I'm trying to be strong but this is getting overwhelming.