I do believe the endgoal is self deletion, I don't think jobs are accepting if autistic people, I live it first hand with the amount of disparity between hours between me & other workers who are deemed "normal".
Yes, I do get support for college mostly.
Well, I want a girlfriend to hopefully have a life to build with. eventually I would like to have my own family or life-long companion. It's not about the sex where feminist blindly assume incels want sexslaves, it's wanting to feel like you are not a monster & someone is happy to see you & see you as a human being who deserves love. I don't think most women will truly understand that because they have inboxes of guys lined up they don't reply too & there's more options for women, but ask the average guy is there a female in his contacts that isn't family is genuinely happy they exist? Not many. I don't want to be the 95% of autistic men who die alone and have never experienced having a woman even being interested in them or the 80% of chronically under/unemployed due to social difficulties.
Alright, so. I have turned off shitposting mode. Before the "reee why would you care about autist moids" chat begins, my lifelong closest friend since we were five is an autistic male. Intellectually brilliant. Socially so incompetent and actively shitstirring that I cannot count the number of parties we've had to leave, bars we've been chucked out of, personal disputes he's conjured up out of nowhere, fucking social conspiracy theories he's dragged me into. My parents deliberately sent me to a different secondary school to stop me being dragged into the endless bullshit he caused. He has alienated pretty much every friend he's ever had, and managed to get fired from every job, too, despite being genuinely excellent at what he does. He has had no gf or even situationship ever.
But. He is my closest friend. I am ride or die. His problems have always been my problems, even when he is the author of 99% of his own problems. So, no, I may not have the personal experience of being an autistic male, but I've had a lifelong eyewitness experience of watching it unfold. It is painful.
The under employment problem is real as fuck. Bestie has lost yet another job and is back living with parents yet again. Since his employment is very dependent on references and goodwill, it will probably be some time before he is employed again. I hate this. I hate that he talked himself out of another job, one in which he was relatively content for once.
Do you recognise this kind of self sabotaging behaviour in yourself? Do you suffer from the need to be right even when it will have negative consequences? This is something to examine with your therapist. It is a huge problem in the job market, autist or no. Employers in current year expect you to take virtually all their shit with a smile. If this is an issue for you, again, this is an area ot work on with therapist and job coach.
Is college going ok? On track to graduate etc? Is it financially possible to look into some post graduate work whilst you get your head straight? It is a very CV-acceptable way of buying yourself a couple more years' worth of sorting-your-shit-out time.
Having a partner will not make the feeling that you are a monster who doesn't deserve love go away. I promise you that. Your therapist will tell you that. That is a terrible feeling that only you can work on. I understand that feeling. I have had that feeling since my earliest memories. Those who have attempted to "fix me" with their "but I love you" bullshit have only, over time, earned themselves my deep contempt, because
who would love something as awful as me.
As long as you don't work on that feeling, that belief, any partner you have is not going to be able to break through that wall. This is what I mean when I say, you need to be in effective therapy and addressing this belief about yourself to get anywhere in terms of forming a meaningful relationship. You have to be able to accept love. You are not there yet, I don't think.
