Interesting post from the overemployedwomen subreddit. Basically, as much as men complain about having to pay for dates, gold digger etc they also throw a fit about a woman doing well for herself.
“ It has nothing to do with OE. It’s about being a high-earning woman.
When men hear that I took my son on a nice ski trip or they drop me off at my building after a date (I live in an obvious luxury building) or that I have a nanny or any of the other little things that indicate I’m doing well financially and that just come up naturally, their whole demeanor changes. And I don’t date broke men anymore (been there, done that). These are men who are significantly more wealthy than I am - almost exclusively millionaires (that’s not as impressive as it sounds - these are upper middle class men in their 40s and 50s so it’s not hard to be worth a few million by that point if you’ve invested or own a successful business/practice or have real estate that appreciated over time - I’m not going on dates with Steve Jobs), and they still don’t like it, because they want a woman they can control by dangling money in front of her.
I never brag to anyone, especially men - in fact, I’m very self-deprecating by nature - and I never say anything outright, but i am a naturally open person so I would always answer questions directly without obfuscating, and I had to learn to stop doing that. I have seen men’s entire expression change when they ask where I went skiing and I say “Aspen” or even when I say the industry I work in (which is an industry known to be very high-paying). They are never, ever happy about it. In fact, the only two men who were ever happy about it were both huge users. One made me pay his parking meter for the date even though he lives off a large trust fund and doesn’t have to work, and the other outright said he wants a successful wife because he expects her to contribute significantly (and left his wife because she didn’t make enough money while caring for two young children). I only went on a couple dates with each of these guys, and they were already sizing up my bank account, even though both are probably worth 20x what I am. Literally every other man either looked displeased when I made a comment that indicated I was well-off, or actively got upset and uncomfortable.
Even on Reddit, whenever I mention my income as part of a comment (I never tell people how much I make or explicitly allude to being successful in real life, but since Reddit is anonymous, I’m way more open about certain things like my salary and expenses), I get downvoted into oblivion, even when my comment is neutral and there is nothing to have a strong opinion about. I end up deleting most of my comments because I either get nasty DMs (usually from men) or people asking me for money or referrals (either directly or under the guise of “advice”). When I don’t mention that I’m a woman, and especially when I don’t mention that I’m a single mother, but I make a similar sort of comment that mentions that I’m a high earner, I usually get no downvotes.
People REALLY don’t like successful women. People like successful single mothers like myself even less. Even if you’re just talking about successful men, people often get angry and jealous, so part of it is being high-earning in general, but there is a special sort of spite and ire directed at women who don’t need men to take care of them financially, for reasons you can easily surmise. Human society has always been this way, and probably always will be.
My friends and colleagues don’t have any issues with it (they are all economic peers), but they’re not dating me, and they see my many other struggles (as a single parent with a crazy, abusive ex and the other difficult challenges I’ve been through), so I guess they don’t feel particularly jealous of me. However, it’s VERY pronounced in a dating capacity when you are a woman. I learned from painful experience not to date men who make less than I do and aren’t very ambitious, but I’m also starting to learn as a newly wealthy person that I need to hide my success from men entirely, even if those men are way wealthier than I’ll ever be. Now, I either make it seem like I’m an executive assistant or have some other low-paying career, and I go out of my way to avoid details that hint at my income whatsoever. I don’t lie, but I’m vague in such a way that implies I’m making a very middle class salary and have a very mediocre career, and perhaps even struggling a bit. I used to think letting men realize you were successful kept the predators looking to take advantage of you (and the cheap losers looking to get a bargain) away, but in fact, it just attracts a different type of user, and turns off most (not all, but trust me, it’s most) successful men.
Plus, there is just no reason to tell strangers and acquaintances about your success. Nothing good can come of it. It’s one thing for people you know really well and who you are sure have your best interest at heart to know, but everyone else will only ever either be turned off, jealous, ambivalent/annoyed, or looking for ways to take advantage of you. It will not make them respect you as a woman. It’s unfair, but it’s life.
There is also absolutely ZERO reason to tell anyone that you’re OE. It’s 100x worse than just letting people know you’re high-income, which is already a very bad idea. And it’s absolutely batshit insane to tell men who you are dating, because a man could get mad if you break things off with him and contact one of your employers to punish you (and it’s not hard to figure out where you work if someone really wants to, assuming you work in a standard 9-5 job), or he could just be an asshole in general and do it out of pettiness or jealousy, or he could be one of those people that feel outraged on behalf of corporations and wants to seek justice. Don’t disclose info like that. There is no single positive thing that can come out of it, and many, many bad things. If you are trying to screen for assholes, there are a million better and less risky ways to do so.”