So what are the particular red flags to look out for when dealing with a potential case of victim narcissism? For better or for worse, the signs are abundant.
1. They blame others
This happens constantly, even with issues that they definitely created. Why? “Narcissists are insecure deep down inside, and they don’t like to be ‘wrong’ or admit to their mistakes,” Jambazian says. Instead, other people—particularly those with whom they are in intimate relationships—are the “problem” (except you’re actually not).
2. They constantly share “woe is me” stories (that have holes)
This goes back to needing other people’s attention and support 24/7. “You might notice them painting a picture of scenarios where they are brutally wronged or unfairly treated over and over again,” Bonafede says. But on closer inspection, you may get a sense that something’s missing or not right. “After some time, you will likely see that they are very vague in the details and either won’t follow up with an outcome or will give you a very one-sided story,” she adds.
3. They act like they’re innocent
If you feel uncomfortable, they’ll act like that’s weird, like they couldn’t possibly understand why. “They will use gaslighting comments to distort your reality and confuse you,” Jambazian says.
In the situation of cheating, for example, she shares they may say something like “She/he is just a friend” or “They called to ask a question; it was nothing.”
That’s where it really gets tricky. It’s healthy for people to have friends of the opposite sex, for example. But narcissists will claim that when it’s not true. This is all to say that if you believed your partner and found out later that they were lying, there’s no reason to feel ashamed or negatively about yourself. This goes for any instance of their abuse.
4. They don’t take criticism well
As mentioned above, even
constructive criticism won’t do with narcissists. “They interpret it as an attack on their character and may be reactive to your input and lash out, or act cold and shut down,” Jambazian says. As a result, you may have experienced many challenges in your relationship. After all, a relationship without
healthy communication and feedback is a struggle, at best.
5. They’re defensive and shift the blame
If you ask them about the holes in a story or question their role or reaction to a situation, prepare for a lot of emotion, and a non-answer. “You might notice defensiveness followed by outrage and then extreme hurt for your questioning their character in such a way, thus turning you into the aggressor,” Bonafede says.
6. They refuse to take accountability for their actions
Gaslighting comes into play here, too. “They won’t take accountability when you mention how their words hurt you,” Jambazian says. Rather, she continues, they may say “I don’t remember saying that” or “That’s not what I meant; you took that out of context.” (On that note, a friendly reminder that your feelings are valid!)
They may also make you apologize and feel like the problem. “They are entitled and controlling and would like to hear confirmation that they are not at fault,” Jambazian explains.
7. They engage in “reverse projection” and confuse you
Translation: A narcissist will twist the conversation, says Jambazian. “[They] make the other person feel guilty, [and] all the while they are the ones fabricating the story as if what you did hurt them,” she says.
Bonafede agrees. “This is a key sign to spotting a narcissist: They are masters at flipping the role to make you out to be the problem,” she says. As a result, she says many people in this situation may feel emotionally dysregulated and confused due to the manipulation.
8. It’s a pattern of behaviors, not a few one-off events
This is the best way to spot you may be dealing with a narcissistic person, according to Stepp.
She recommends asking yourself these summarizing questions: Do they constantly blame everyone else for things that have gone wrong in their life? Do they often bounce between jobs, lose friends/partners, or have a difficult time achieving their goals?
Stepp shares an acronym of three key markers of narcissism to keep it simple: E.R.A., which stands for empathy, remorse, and accountability. She encourages you to pay attention to whether you notice these in the narcissistic person or not. If a person never displays any of these three things, it’s highly likely you’re dealing with a narcissist.
...my tummy hurts...
watching the show Six Feet Under, and shipping home an enormous YouTuber from the Middle East would have been a fun episode setup (if you haven’t seen it, it revolves around a funeral home, and every episode begins with a vignette of how some person died, then the prep/funeral of that person is the background for the main characters’ personal life plots, including conversations with the dead person or their family/lack of).
