Dead Air
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 6, 2021
Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental
- Thread starter Gentlebastard
- Start date
- Joined
- Mar 21, 2024
It sounds like the kind of thing you'd see someone do performatively on social media because they're doing the ultra trad grift. Probably saw a tiktok video of someone doing it.
- Joined
- Oct 4, 2021
The face he made really makes me giggle.
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2019
Ultimate Carnivore Delight Pizza - A Must-try!
(04/19/2024)Original:
Last edited:
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2017
Must try to avoid would be more accurate, but Jack wouldn't be honest with himself.
Hungry Homeless Handjob
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 31, 2021
Babe wake up, new Jack merch just dropped
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2014
He really has to struggle to say this pile of future vomit is somehow "GUD."
ddlloo
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Oct 18, 2018
The recipe for the crust gave me lactose intolerance.
What the actual fuck.
What the actual fuck.
Super Hans v2
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2022
A carnivore pizza, except for the cheeses, yogurt, eggs, butter, spiced meats, and seasonings. Even if it was made competently, anybody taking the 'diet' seriously would spike it into the trash.
And did I spot that HOPE is finally out of the harness? Great to see that Jack and TamHam are finally better owners than those who give only give enough of a shit to make sure their pets are fed.
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2022
Bugs when you lift up their rock:
Flonominal88
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 17, 2024
It sounded like he was choking when he ate it
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2023
I thought he already stuck a bunch of Bibles in there, that seems like it'd cover all their bases.
- Joined
- Apr 15, 2014
Him joking about the mortgage and his dead arm are so out of character. My theory is that it's not self-depreciation, it's passive-aggressive bitching at Tammy. I think Jack whining about 'muh garrlik butah' in the restaurant caused Tammy to get snippy at him, and this is his petty manbaby way at getting back at her.
On another note, Jack's face in this reminds me of a Boston Terrier with a hamburger dangled in front of it's face.
- Joined
- Sep 29, 2022
Looks more like what you see during a session of sleep paralysis.
It's the same thing he said before about burying a bible in the foundation or something or sticking one in the walls.
It's just stupid people doing stupid things.
The fact that he bought a 5 pound bag of shreddy cheese... I cannot imagine going through that before it started to go bad(and it isn't like a block where you can just cut the crappy bit off the edge... nevermind that it's also shit). At least this time thought bought plain yogurt instead of fucking vanilla. Surprisingly the crust doesn't look entirely vile after he baked it, but then after he puts the rest of his bullshit on... right back to looking like a dog shit on a pile of cat sick.
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2014
Hammy, his fucking equally fat enabler, somehow thinks this is acceptable and good. What's her end game of letting the fat man continually do this? A life insurance cashout can be done in ways quicker than this long-haul method.
- Joined
- Jul 6, 2022
She probably just doesn't want to put up with his man-baby passive aggressive whining all day so just lets him eat himself into an early grave because even if there's no life insurance she'll keep everything whereas a divorce would only get her half.
- Joined
- Sep 3, 2014
I've actually been rather hyped to rip and tear this one apart, so let's go on and do so until it is done.
1. Generic guitar riff intro is likely going to be the standard from now on. My guess is it's so Jack doesn't have to try and figure out which one to use, since fuck it it's all right there.
2. After the enslaved child robot tells us it's time, it opens with Jack with his mouth wide open, aka its natural state, and a QR code.
2b. Also no he doesn't explain what the code is for at all. Good jerb Jack.
3. Jack, who is wearing his antipenguin shirt, tells us we're going to do a carnivore skillet pizza, also known as a disgusting pile of shit.
4. Jack blatantly fucking lies about this series making things that are keto-friendly, carb friendly, and carnivore friendly.
4b. The several steaks absolutely douched in sugar would beg to differ fatty, no matter how much you lie incompetently to yourself.
5. Anyways the ingredients out for this Capital Offense in cooking form are an infant's mass in shreddy cheese, cream cheese, parmesan cheese, yogurt, "Italian Seasoning", hot sausage because fuck Tammy, and pepperoni. Also included are eggs.
5b. So my prediction on a white pizza was correct. It looks like however Jack is going to make the "crust" out of egg though, which oh fuck off on that front.
6. Jack goes on a diatribe that reveals he copied this recipe from this lady since he's a bit miffed that he had Tammy search for green yogurt since the description said to use it.
6b. In Jack's defense, she mushmouths "Greek yogurt" a bit. But also it's much easier to hear "greek" than "green" when listening in.
7. "Tamp heir in da stor fer grin yogurr..." ~ The stroke's effects
7b. No I'm not exxagerating on this either. He actually slurred that badly in that segment.
8. Jack gets angy at the video he stole from, all while being too retarded and stroked out to fix the recipe in his own description. Brilliant.
9. Jack jump cuts to a notably different time of day given the visible change in lighting on the camera. It's quite impressive how his recording got worse over time despite using the same equipment effectively.
10. Jack correctly states you prepare your raw proteins first when assembling a pizza. This is probably going to be the only time he will be correct given how absolutely wrong this awful idea is.
11. Jack wastes some time watching Blues Clues on his phone as another jump cut shows he moved it surrepticiously.
12. Jack actually remembers to tell you at what temperature to set the oven. He treats it like most people don't do that though, even though you legitimately need to set heat for most oven dishes.
13. And I was right on the cheese alchemy bullshit. I fucking hate cheese alchemy bullshit.
13b. A cheese crisp will never mimic the soft give and puffiness of a wheaty crust or bread. A cheese crisp will never be able to carry and compliment a meal by absorbing flavor and adding texture in the way a crust can. A cheese crisp will forever remain a sad mockery of carbohydrates, proteins forced to mimick gluten strains for the people who seek validation through what they eat. It will forever be a dairy treat seeped in the bitterness of browning, not a carbohydrate... wait where was I? Oh yeah Cheese Alchemy Bullshit.
14. Jack is rather pissy about Tammy not instantly finding the right yogurt, since he keeps making jabs at the recipe he is copying.
15. Oh yeah, I should note that while this can be construed as carnivore since it's all animal product, the yogurt, cream cheese, and mozzie combined violates it. It's just too many sugars for one meal unless you seriously plot it out. Again, a carnie diet can have dairy, but it has to be modulated by macros more than anything.
16. Jack goes full insecure amerimutt when he pronounces Mozzarella. Fuck off you fake wop fuck.
17. DON'T BRING YOUR DEAD MOM INTO YOUR FAKE ITALIAN ROLEPLAY FOR FUCKS SAKE AAAAA-
*One mind break later*
18. Whew, it's been a while since he got this terrible. Jack lies about actually mixing this bullshit himself, claiming he's going to food glove it.
18b. We all know it's just going to be Tammy who does it. No shot he does it himself; he's just posturing for his own ego on this.
19. Also if I had to make this vomit, I'd probably just use my mixer or a fork. What would've really helped would've been to break up that cream cheese to be honest.
20. Sudden jumpcut which shows his stupid fake grillmark skillet and some butter. Not the type of tool I'd use to make pizza, but this ain't pizza.
20b. Hell at this rate I'd accept Portuguese Pizza and California pizza over this shit, and one of those often have quail eggs on them.
21. Hoho Jack's angy that I've constantly gotten on him for wrong terminology. He is correct in that the attrocity he made here can loosely be defined as a batter; it's mostly liquidlike and runny.
22. Jack stupidly attempts to grease his grill pan. Like yeah, you could do that, but it's just going to intrinsically stick due to all those edges and due to the hell batter being made out of cheese and eggs.
23. "I think this is gonna come out good guiz" ~ A Malignant Narcissist
24. Jack claims he chose this recipe because he felt good about it. In reality it's because it's only cheese and meat, and he retardedly thinks a cheese crisp can mimic bread no matter how many times reality beats him in the face with strokes on it.
25. I always love when my batter looks like an abscess drainage. The only thing missing from the horror is the blood honestly.
26. Jack tells us to let it bake for 20 in the oven, and jump cuts back with it.
26b. It actually looks fine at this stage. It reminds me an awful lot of a quiche or a frittata. I think that might be why this recipe could hypothetically work even if it's not the creator's intent, since frittatas with some sausage and cheese could really slap; could use some onions or a vegetable in general to add a wider flavor profile and would need more eggs, but yeah.
27. Jack then describes the many sauces you can put on top of this sad frittata. A dog lurks in the background, smelling the eggy cheese.
28. Aww Hope's missing her fucking harness. This is a good day.
29. Jack's just topping the crust, like any straight man does to bussy. Kill me now please.
30. Jack's sauce of choice is pure grease... which is actually a lot WORSE than what I thought he was going to do.
30b. See, I was a fool who thought he might make a white sauce out of the cheese and yogurt he had... NOPE. Just grease. I... I... blblblblblbl
31. Jack then starts the process by putting the saltier and dryer parmesan cheese near the bottom rather than near the top so it can blend with the mozzarella. Also I hear a sludge noise in the background when he drops it. I don't know if I'm having a psychotic break right now.
32. Jack realizes what I said he should do and threatens to use the rest of the salty cheese at the top.
33. Jack likes cheese to be the bottom.
34. Jack dumps a whole bowl of mozzarella cheese onto this frittata, ignoring that it's better to do it a bit light so you can have it melt and toast correctly... HAHAHA THIS AIN'T EVER GONNA DO THAT
35. Jack always uses the term meat as a go to. It never matters to him what it is, be it pepperoni or sausage; it is only meat to eat and consume and stroek 2 KEEERTOTOOO *dies*
36. Jack, due to his gastrosexual urges with meat and since he wants to lie about his capability, films an eerily long segment of him just putting pepperoni on this sad frittata.
37. This stroked out faggot who loves to deep throat and choke on animal flesh wasted 40 seconds of a 7 minute video to show off putting pepperoni onto a pie. This is clearly fetish material now.
38. He actually cuts him dumping the way too much sausage on this abortion to finish it off with parmesan, which makes the pepperoni play even fucking worse in retrospect.
39. Final product has way too much topping to crust, which explains why it's going to be a floppy mess. Even just from referencing the original video, the lady he stole this from went ham on the pepperoni, sure, but overall she had maybe half to a third of the other toppings.
40. Jack proudly asserts his individuality and proves he seethed at people mocking him for using sugar on meat by claiming he uses seasoning, unlike other carnivores.
40b. Ignoring how all of them use salt, pretty much all carnivore dieters use pepper. Again, Jack really wants to delude himself and ignore that he got shat on for using rubs that were basically pure sugar on those steaks.
41. Jack hints at red pepper flakes as another seasoning, meaning he's going to sneak some into this shit dish off screen as Wife Repellant like the piece of shit he is.
42. "I think that's perfect" ~ What the designer of the HMS Captain and what Jack Scalfani said about their failed creations
43. Jack claims to broil this by eye rather than by time, which means he wants to eat it right now and damn the consequences.
43b. Also I'd trust a timer over Jack's absolutely fucked eyesight from the newest stroke.
44. Jack claims the goal is "melted and bubbly", but honestly my rule of thumb is if the top starts to brown and run.
45. And we cut back to what I think is toy vomit in a skillet. Jack proves what I meant about not trusting your eyes with this absolute failure.
46. It's telling that Jack is claiming that the cheese somehow near burned in less than three minutes
46b. Also a reminder this cunt throws a fit when pizza from a store looks this darkened. Doesn't give a shit if it's what HE made though, because cluster B headcases be like that.
47. Yes Jack, when I think of pepperoni, I think of it as "bubbly". Not 'glistening with grease' or 'starting to curl and brown from the heat'.
48. Jack lies about letting this cool down. You know he's just going to instantly cut to further out of frame so he can get this pile of shit down his gullet NOW NOW NOW.
49. Jack claims this pizza looks better than the last one. I'd have to agree, because the last batch looked like a bad skin infection.
50. "We're going to keep going, until we perfect it, just like the carnival bread." ~ Jack Scalfani on forming Unit 173, named in honor of his upper beepee
51. Jack asks us if we can tell if he's excited about this. His confused soy smile already is confirmation that he's at the closest to half chub he's capable of right now.
52. Predicting it now; he's gonna gurgle "It pitza" again. It's what he loves to tard out when he makes piles of shit like this.
53. Jack low key explains a sexual fantasy about sauce to add to this pizza, as I'm grateful I only have less than a minute left. To live or die? Yes.
54. Jack is angy Tammy told him no sauce. His voice raises as he cucks himself of food once more.
55. GIRAFFE TONGUE RETURNS! HUZZAH THE PROPHECY IS NIGH!
56. Jack almost chokes/vomits and grins saying it's really gud as a violent dustcloud for the homerun recipe comes out of left field.
56b. So I was wrong on my prediction; he just went with the more standard "it gud. it taste da ingredient".
57. Jack really only tastes meat in this dish. Whodafuckingthunkit.
58. Jack ends the video by licking his fingers loudly into the mic like a pig. Thanks Satan very cool.
This is Jack's most interesting video in months. Weep.
- Joined
- Dec 19, 2021
Oh cool. Jack is fishing for another C & D letter from Bitmoji. Fat toddler never learns.
- Joined
- Feb 3, 2013
I think my LDL went up 30 points just watching that video