I find myself in an extremely similar boat to you (several men attempted to groom young me but I was literally too retarded), and I am curious how you reconcile this with a Christian/Catholic (iirc you're Catholic) view of reproduction and mankind's calling to be fruitful and multiply (yes I know this is a quote from Genesis before the serpent). Particularly the parallel between husband and wife, Christ and church. Is touching a penis an unfortunate downside of entering into a marriage covenant with a man and starting a family, are all penises defiling as a result of the fall? Or is the joining of husband and wife divine? Will a Christian man look at his virginal bride as something to be conquered and despoiled (the archaic definition of rape, funnily enough) on the wedding night, and will he forever view his wife as something "less than" after that? It is something I myself am trying to work out.
There is nothing to reconcile. The vocation to marriage is the lowest and most common possible vocation, established in its original form specifically to protect the vulnerable aspects (the woman and her children) from the man while also encouraging him to rise above his base nature, an expectation that is met less than ever in this sexually liberated age of dick-serving debauchery and psychological homosexuality wherein a man’s penis is his god and the source of his identity. Not all men are mentally faggots, but those who are not still rarely appreciate the dignity of women. Many continue to buy into the convenient old meme that their wives are beneath them, a belief that is strengthened when she submits. A properly ordered man understands that she is not beneath him, and that this is what makes her submission to him via agreeing to marry him a high privilege and a gift to be treasured, not an act of mutual convenience nor something he is owed.
It is worth noting that the physical shortcomings of marriage are not present in the perfect model of Christ/His Church. The fact that the holy relationship on which marriage is based has no concern with the corporeal is often forgotten. Furthermore, while our bodies are important tools in our salvation, marriage and sex are purely mortal things that cease to be upon death. Marriage is blessed by God, it is a sacrament, but it is not divine in the sense of being high or eternal by nature.
There are also other ways to be fruitful and multiply. There is a reason why priests are called Father and nuns of high station are called Mother, and why they are required to be celibate. The salvation of souls is their work and their children are the faithful under their care, with none favored above any other (such as, for example, their hypothetical biological offspring.) Additionally, spiritual parenthood is the first and greatest calling to which all can aspire regardless of state in life, even if one isn’t called to holy orders. There is a purity of purpose there which cannot be matched by the solely natural charge of protecting and raising children one is biologically compelled to care for.
Marriage is there for people who want that sort of thing and don’t mind dealing with the imperfect parts in exchange for mortal companionship. For women, part of this is having to deal with childbirth, a penis and the brain damage it tends to cause in people that have one. Some people have good marriages with men who love them. They are lucky.
Even if I were to attract one of these rare good men, I personally cannot look past the fundamental repulsiveness of their sexual nature and the way it needs to destroy something objectively good—virginity—to be satisfied.
Ostensibly the reward for this destruction is the creation of children, the woman, now made sole mother or prospective mother of his children, held with greater love and higher regard than even the virginal bride, but the value of this exchange has been degraded in the eyes of modern men who have separated the pleasure of the marital act from its purpose. Now the virgin is “ruined” by her motherhood, her gift spat upon and rejected and the work of her body classified as waste to be discarded by the very man that should love her.
Never settle for a man who isn’t a virgin of mind and body at the bare minimum. The rest are used up and sexually disordered, and they are guaranteed to take it out on you in ways that are cruel, shocking, and psychologically or physically violent.
