Need help wording how to tell my son that his trans sister needs me more right now.Personal Story (
self.redditonwiki)
submitted 5 days ago * by
secretsocietyofsalt
I'm sharing here because I feel the listener base to this podcast might have some good points for me. Y'all have been helpful before. TYIA.
Some context: My daughter (mtf16) has been out to the family for around 2 1/2 years now (I've known something was different about her since she was a toddler). My husband and son (1

doesn't accept her. I'm also in a very red town in a very red state that is very anti-trans (so bad that an online mob doxxed a trans girl nearby a few months ago and threatened her, her family, and her place of employment with bomb and death threats). This is on top of teachers deliberately misgendering and dead-naming because they don't have to respect trans students. She doesn't really get outright bullied, but snide slurs and comments are made randomly a few times a week. She dresses neutral, so as not to draw attention, she sticks with her small group of friends, and generally keeps her head down because being herself at school, home, anywhere, just gets met with hate and disgust.
She's in therapy, but there's only so much that can be done as long as she keeps being forced to hide herself. There are no rights or protections for her, and I see this weighing heavily on her. She has lost interest in most things she used to love, rarely smiles anymore, and just doesn't care about passing school or even brushing her teeth. She's on the max dose of meds for severe depression.
My husband's solution is to ignore it. Our "son" has a mental illness is all. God made us with penises and vaginas for a reason, and if we ignore it, maybe it will go away.
I've tried giving him the science behind being trans. I've tried to give him multiple resources-scientific, religious, anecdotal (this is an experience as a trans child stuff)- but he refuses to look at any of it and claims the Bible is all he needs. We've even been to couple's therapy.
To keep from going into more detail, I'll just say that I realized some months ago what I needed to do: I was going to have to leave the state with my child. She won't make it to adulthood if I don't.
Now to my son (1

. He graduates from high school this week. He was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder around 10/11 years old. His major difficulty is disseminating information. If something requires multiple steps, he can't remember or take in all the steps at one time. He also has some other typical signs of ASD like anxiety, especially when he's doing something new or has a change in routine.
And he doesn't accept that his sibling is trans either. Just like his father, he repeats the religious talking points. We have a good relationship otherwise. But if I try to provide information on any subject he disagrees with, he just dismisses it with religious or political talking points that he's heard from others, mainly his dad and older half-brother. He's been dismissive and disrespectful of me as well. I didn't realize until recently that it is the same way my husband treats me. It's the passing down of the fucking patriarchy. My husband didn't have much of a hand in raising him through the hard stuff (discipline, for one; his dad never disciplined and wouldn't back me up, and instead would treat me as if my discipline of my child was a sibling rivalry). But apparently just seeing our relationship in motion convinced my son that's how things should be.
I feel like I failed my son. I've tried to tell him that his attitude and outlook will hurt his future relationships (they have already had an effect on some recent ladies he's dated). And I don't think he gets that his attitude about trans people will (and probably already has) put a rift between him and his sister. I know they love each other and despite his misgendering, they laugh together and still game together. But when my daughter decides she doesn't want to put up with the disrespect anymore, that will put an end to any reconciliation.
At this point, with his attitude, taking him with us isn't an option. My daughter needs to feel open and safe in order to flourish and reach her full potential. I want to see her love life again, and that can't include anyone in the household who invalidates her existence.
When I go, I know my husband will likely bad-mouth me. I know can't control what my son thinks and feels, and he will probably be hurt that he can't go with us and/or that I won't be close by. I apparently am not very good at persuasion and need some help with how to word that I'm leaving to save his sister's life. I want him to know that I love him and will talk with him anytime, but I feel like he should get a footing in the world without me for a while. At the same time, he'll be hearing the anti-trans, ultra-conservative crap from his dad and brother. I don't want to lose him. My heart has already been through hell.
What do I need to say to him to show him that if there is a God, God doesn't give two fiddly fucks about genitals and that just because he doesn't understand something, doesn't mean he can't be respectful and supportive. How do I tell him that I'm not "leaving him," I'm leaving to save my daughter's life? I want him to understand the gravity of the situation, and that dysphoria is not a "mental illness." It relays who a trans person really is. I'm at a loss because not only is my 20-year marriage ending from a man I realized I never really knew, but that I also have to leave my home, career, family, and even my dog. It's hurting me worse though that I have to leave my son behind. Yes , he's technically an adult, but he still needs help navigating his new post-high school world. We've never spent more than a few days apart since he was born.
I'm decent at writing, but suck at verbal articulation. Help me please.
TLDR: Sorry, can't make this shorter without all the info and context. Scroll on if you're a bigot or not interested. Thanks.
Update: I appreciate the comments and advice. I even appreciated
some of the comments that gave me something more to think about from the other POV. The rest of you just can't help but spread your misinformation and hate, can you? I asked you to scroll on, and like I expected, you couldn't help but burst through a crowd you weren't invited into. So predictable. But I digress.
My daughter and I had a talk this morning about taking her brother with us. She feels like I do; his attitude, his lack of respect (and his lack of respecting boundaries), is not the stressful environment either of us need with this move. I have not "written him off," as some of you suggested. I just can't let him continue to think his behavior is okay, and can't continue to let him think that just because we're family, it doesn't mean we will let him walk all over us. So no, he will not be coming with us. That would be assuming he'd want to come.
What I will do is be absolutely truthful with him while also acknowledging how he feels. Despite how he behaves sometimes, we do talk a lot. I will let him know that he can visit when he gets a few days off in a row from work, and that after a year (when a lease is usually up; we would need a bigger place if he decides to move), we'll talk about him moving in with us. He doesn't have to believe anything he doesn't want to. But he doesn't get to be rude or disrespectful (if he comes with us straight away, I'm certain this is how things will be). I will be available for video chat or calls whenever and will also be visiting often. I feel like, because he thinks he knows how life works now (that 18-y-o ego has kicked in), that he needs this time away from me to figure some things out. His dad will mostly leave him be and let him do his thing. When all is said and done, and I know most of you won't agree with this, but that's okay, my husband isn't a "bad" person. Misguided, indoctrinated, ignorant, sure, and willfully so. He's certainly not an angel, but he isn't abusive and doesn’t walk around spouting hate. He hasn't treated our daughter any differently, but he just doesn't want her expressing herself through clothing and such, so she's still essentially hiding and reaping the consequences of that. He has not and will not talk to her about it at all because it makes him uncomfortable, and he has a severe aversion to conflict and uncomfortable discussions. I am certain my son will be fine, even if he is upset at first, and can be okay with his father.
I am taking the suggestions that stated I should write letters. I will definitely do that and have them handy when I approach each family member about this.
We will be having some hard conversations this week and next week and will be moving around the middle of June. I'll provide an update when the dust settles. Thank y'all.
Edited to add: MAJOR props to the mods for their diligence on hate posts. I haven't seen half of what y'all have removed, but based on what I have seen, I didn't need to see it anyway. Y'all rock. Thank you.
