My body is finally giving up. (
self.depression)
submitted 1 year ago by
Jungle_Julia01 to
r/depression
Hey there, this is going to be a long and dreadful read and excuse me for my bad grammar. I’m Italian, born male but live as a woman for the past 20 years (surgeries and all at 18.) I live as a stealth meaning no one knows about me except my close friends and family. I suffer from depression since I was 8, only child of an elderly couple.
My life has been an endless repetitive cycle of abuse and trauma.
My mother is an ex nun who escaped from the church at 35 and my father had Asperger, he died 6 years ago. They married at 45.
My mother is a diagnosed grandiose narcissistic with borderline tendencies (diagnosis she always refused) who abused me since a was a child. She used to beat the shit out of me and/or encouraging her slave husband to do so if i dared to answer her incorrectly, spit on me, pour hot beverages on my head, whip my butt, etc. My father never defended me, not once. I used to wet the bed till I was 9. They managed to set my life to fail since the beginning. They lost all their money and savings by being scammed multiple times, lost two houses and in debt to this very day. I’m now 37 with nothing in my name. My gender disphorya began when I was little, preferring girl clothes and toys. I did all by myself, doctors, surgeries and psychotherapy. They somehow accepted who I truly was but always resented me for “having stolen their only son”. They both always used religion as a weapon against me. To this day she’s sure I will go to hell. My depression has always accompanied me for most of my life. Almost took my life at 17 and on antidepressants since 18yo. I had a job and a man till my father died and managed my illness pretty well.
Since my father died I’m the caregiver of my mother. She has dementia, she’s also partially blind. She’s the most spiteful and selfish human being I’ve ever met. Her entire family refuse to help me since she managed to destroy all her connections with them years ago. They just hate her. I can’t work, I can’t go out, she’s scared of being alone. I’m allowed to go out 1 h per day. In that single hour she calls me multiple times to make sure I come back home. She knows I’m suffering, she knows what she’s doing to me but just does not care. She treat me as she used to treat my father, a slave. Despite her dementia she knows how Italian law works. She knows she can sue me for abandonment and use to threat me every single day. I live in a cage with a monster and now my body is giving up. My cardiologist said my heart is about to fail for the amount of stress I’m suffering and I’m scared to die every time I go to sleep. Next years she should go the hospice care since our rent will expire in may 2023 and that’s my only hope.
