Ostracized by young queer people in inclusive spaces
Discussion
I am at my wits end trying to fit in to LGBT spaces that are predominantly filled with mid twenty yearolds. It's happened for 2 years and I have been doing so much to try and fit in yet it's the exact same every time. I am treated like a ghost until I see someone whisper to their friends and they all look at me. It's not even like I have a reputation or something I was 60 miles from home today and it still happened.
I have tried asking in
r/asktransgender but I am not seeming to see any difference in results. I am 40 and autistic. I recently started adhd medication and it's made it impossible for me to mask like I always have. Today was incredibly emotional for me. I was around 30++ queer twenty yearolds (many trans/gnc) for 8 hours in a line and they all ignored me but we're making each other's acquaintance and chatting. A couple guys my age and older kept checking me out which really didn't make me feel good.
The juxtaposition of not being accepted and being lustfully stared at like a sex object hurt me so much today. I didn't expect to make friends but I also didn't expect to feel like a social pariah even though I should expect it by now. I chatted with a friend (trans man) my age and he said he feels invisible in LGBT spaces. I honestly don't know which would make me feel worse.
I broke down crying because it hurts so much to be around people living the life I couldn't and treating me like I don't belong and have some sort of ulterior motives. I was dressed cute for a different pride event I didn't make it to and ended up changing and inadvertently boy moding which just made everything hurt more.
The best advice I have gotten has been to continue to unmask but after today I don't think that will make anyone any more comfortable. I was stimming hard and don't know what I would have done if I didn't have a fidget toy. I was close to leaving after crying on and off for an hour. I already paid $160 for the two tattoos that I wanted but it got to the point that I was contemplating just getting in my car and going home but I already filled out paperwork and they would have ended up calling me which I just couldn't deal with so I stayed.
Has anyone experienced this type of ostracizing before? How the hell did you handle it? What can I do to accept it will happen and not get my hopes up? Is there a fix so it doesn't keep happening? I am at the point where I think I should wear a shirt that says "I am autistic. I am awkward. No I don't want to have sex with you. I just want to exist in spaces I am allowed to exist in." But that probably won't work. I am desperate and don't know what to do. I read up on how to address internalized bigotry and all the stuff we (older folks) unfortunately grew up around. What can I do besides accept it and just stop showing up? I want to help organize my community but I feel like I am fighting windmills.
Pic attached because I don't think my outfit was scandalous or anything and could use some extra eyes in case I am just not seeing it.