Navigating new consent issuesNSFW (
self.mypartneristrans)
submitted 1 day ago by
Strange-Library4426
Hey all! I’m looking for some advice on how to navigate some issues
my partner (35 transmasc) and I (32 cis F) have been having about consent lately.
Since starting T, my partner has wanted sex significantly more than before. We’ve been able to compromise on 3-4 times a week.
Because I work ~50 hours per week and do all of the cooking while my partner is disabled and has a much more flexible schedule, sex is usually planned around my availability/mood. Sometimes my openness to sex changes over the course of the day - for example, if I have a tough workday (overwhelming workload, upsetting patient fatalities, stuff like that) a tentative “yes” from me in the morning might change to a firm no by the end of the day. My partner really struggles with this: they are on the autism spectrum and any changes to plans are upsetting for them. They understand and care about enthusiastic consent when we talk about it abstractly, but in practice, they become frustrated, shut down, emotionally distant, and disappointed when I ask to reschedule pre-planned sex. They’ve also had a similar reaction a couple of times when they’ve been struggling to orgasm for a while and I want to step away because I’m not enjoying the sex anymore. This leaves me feeling anxious about the possibility of needing to say no to them sometimes, and also super worried about trying new things with them sexually that I might not enjoy and want to stop.
Part of why I’m struggling with how to process this is their transness.
They’ve talked about sex and the way they now physically experience arousal as a form of gender euphoria. They also say that physical arousal is different for them now, and the level of urgency they experience when aroused is way higher. I want to be supportive as they explore this new facet of themself and I don’t want them to feel like I’m taking away something that feels identity-validating.
I also want to create space for their neurodivergence and not make them feel stigmatized for struggling with changes/disappointment. At the same time, I’m starting to worry that the dynamic developing between us isn’t healthy
. I experienced regular sexual resentment/pressure in a previous relationship that ultimately built up into sexual violence, and I’m struggling to differentiate between choosing to safely overlook the hypervigilance that comes with not wanting to experience that again and being too permissive about sexual pressure. Has anyone else had to navigate this type of change in dynamic with their ftm partner? If so, what boundaries and strategies were effective in meeting both of your needs?
