submitted 3 hours ago * by
ThrowRAhelpidkwtd
I, M(30F), have been dating C(28M) for over a year now after meeting through a dating app. One Tuesday night he calls me asking if I would like to go to a city an hour away, and I accept thinking he is planning a romantic vacation. He then informs me that he will be living there for 3 months. I asked him why, thinking it may be for work. He then says that he has decided to get leg lengthening surgery and his surgery is tomorrow. I was shocked and asked if he thought this through and he said he had been thinking about it for years, however he has never said a word of this to me.
For context, I am about 5'0 and my boyfriend was around 5'7, so I never felt him to be short. When I asked why he felt the need to get such a risky cosmetic procedure he mentioned he didn't feel good being shorter than his younger brother and that I don't know how it is.
The cosmetic leg lengthening surgery is a several hour procedure where they break your femurs and place rods and screws that eventually extend the legs and increases your height. He also decided to get the two part surgery where you also get the tibias/lower legs broken after a year of healing the upper legs and that surgery will add a few additional inches. Overall he is expected to be around 5'11 after both surgeries, recovery would take 2-3 years. I asked if he did research into this surgery and he said that the best surgeon in the world performs these surgeries in a city an hour away and therefore he would be staying there while they monitor his recovery. Additionally, since this is an elective cosmetic procedure, insurance does not cover any of it. It turns out, including the 10k initial consultation, the total cost would be ~300k. I am fine with however he decides to spend his money, as it is his money, however it hurt me and I was shocked that he never decide to discuss any if this with me, since it's such a big decision. What if he made this kind of decision in the future himself when we got married?
Going through with the surgery meant I would have to travel to see him back and forth from the city where we live, I don't drive long distances due to health reasons so I have to take the train back and forth every weekend, and manage my work at the same time. When I asked why he didn't inform me before about this he said he was worried I would leave him. He got the surgery the next day and it has been over a month. I have been his only source of support, he hasn't told his family or parents because he thought they wouldn't approve of his decision and would worry. Every weekend I take the train up to see him. When I'm there, I am basically his caretaker, doing his laundry, bringing him necessities, helping him get where he needs etc. He gets upset when I don't stay as long as he wants and wants me to come more often. I don't mind taking care of him, as I do care about him, however we haven't really been able to do any extra activities a couple would do, if you know what I mean, due to him being bed bound, and I don't like how I didn't really have a say in this happening to our relationship.
Despite the negatives, he has treated me better in the past month than in the past, I am worried we will have to go back to how it was before the surgery once he recovers, I told him I don't want to go back to the old ways and he had no comment.
When asking my family about the matter, they encouraged me to stay with my boyfriend, saying that the leg lengthening surgery is a great idea and that being taller would probably be great, and that it'll help his professional relationships. I am conflicted and confused on whether or not to stay in the relationship, I like him and don't mind caring for him, and I feel like I will be an AH if I leave him because I'll leave him stranded with no caretaker. I do feel like he loves me, he has bought me cute stuffed animals that I love. He still needs to get his lower legs operated on next year and there are talks about him possibly getting his arms lengthened because his proportions may look off after this. I am on the fence, I can see us getting married in the future but I am not sure how I feel about the more surgeries to come. I feel like I've just been thrown in this situation and am so confused on how this is my life.
TL;DR - My boyfriend got elective cosmetic leg lengthening surgery and didn't tell me until the day before. Now I am stuck in a difficult position having to take care of him and the spark is not there. What do I do?
**Update- To those who are concerned about the financial implications/debt, he paid for the surgery all upfront and has the funds and career available to pay/to not be in debt for the rest of his life. It was a surprise to me as I did not know that he had this kind of income/savings.