Hilariously dumb shit you've actually heard - This not being reddit, I expect true stories

[Cirrhosis_of_Liver]

Since this forum seems to be mostly about farming and homicide, I'll start off with one from each category.


"Don't worry if a goat's horn breaks off in your hand. It happens all the time and is no big deal!" --An actual veterinarian AND goat owner. I'm glad I never bought any of her fucked up goats.

"Take that trash bag off the m240! How is it supposed to fire?!" --actual NCO mad that I was protecting a vehicle-mounted machine gun from rain. On further questioning, it appeared he believed bullets moved to the end of the barrel, then accellerated out, and they weren't going fast enough right when they came out the muzzle to break through the bag.


Share your experiences of stupefying stupidity that relate back to board topics.

 

[Al from Dadeville]

African-American appreciation thread:
“All men cheat. You just got to find one it’s worth puttin up with.”

 

[The Last Stand]

Biden's performance during the debate was that "he had a cold."

 

[llllIllIllIIIIllI]

Hollow moon theory - What's the payoff?

"The sky and stars are fake and we're the only planet in the universe and some secret illuminati is casting the sky with stars with some kind of gigantic machine to trick us" - What's the payoff?

Inside out Earth theory / Inside out universe theory - Most nutjob bullshit ever conceived and also what's the payoff

 

[isalaide]

"Ma, shut the fuck up and listen: ah don't want Scott to find oot ah've goat this new STD until efter he gets the jail on Wednesday. He'll know where ah goat it and he'll get done for attempted murder again"
- The putative mother of Scott's child whilst on an antenatal ward with me. I got out on the Tuesday so sadly I will never know if Scott discovered her infidelity or whether he got the jail.

 

[Frank(en) Castle]

“These people do not have email addresses. Should they be on this email contact list?”
“Yes.”
Followed by a solid 10 seconds of silence.

 

[AnsemSoD1]

Hollow moon theory - What's the payoff?

"The sky and stars are fake and we're the only planet in the universe and some secret illuminati is casting the sky with stars with some kind of gigantic machine to trick us" - What's the payoff?

Inside out Earth theory / Inside out universe theory - Most nutjob bullshit ever conceived and also what's the payoff

Go on about the last one, that sounds absolutely insane, in a fun way like time cube.

Thread Tax: "You'll have to take it up with God some day for being hateful of the Jews and their ways son." I just point out there antics to you guys, how is that fucking hateful you simp? Do I look like I'm literally seething and getting headaches over them every minute of every day?

 

[Swiss46]

My coworker was talking about how the Earth is flat with a hollow core that has planet X inside it. I really couldn't understand what he was babbling about, but this is the same scholar who said calories we're real.

 

[xXx: State of the Union]

People who brag about playing hard games but then complain that the time limit in Majoras Mask makes the game too difficult.

 

[TETRABAX]

I really couldn't understand what he was babbling about, but this is the same scholar who said calories we're real.

"My 23 and me test says I have a genetic defect that makes it impossible to lose weight" (proceeds to take a bite of their dinner with 3 peoples worth of portions on the plate)

Needless to say, there was not a second date

 

[Cirrhosis_of_Liver]

My coworker was talking about how the Earth is flat with a hollow core that has planet X inside it. I really couldn't understand what he was babbling about, but this is the same scholar who said calories we're real.

How does it have a core if it's flat? That'a gonna stick with me, like the "garbage bags can't melt steel beams" guy.

Forgot to pay the tax; "If you don't start obeying me, I'm gonna get gay. And you have no idea how gay I can be!"

 

[llllIllIllIIIIllI]

Go on about the last one, that sounds absolutely insane, in a fun way like time cube.

The inside out earth/inside out universe theory is so batshit insane, most platforms ban and de-list it. Basically this, imagine a bunch of flat earther hipsters who got together and then the most super hipster of them all realized that believing in the flat earth, they don't actually believe that and just want attention, now they are in a room full of flat earthers they need to take it one step further to be different and get attention again. Alright, here it goes:

According to the inside out earth theory, the universe is like a video game that magically scales you down via some invisible, undetectable logarithmic grid. What is the scale of this grid? Fuck you don't ask. The sun is at the center, but is microscopically small, but somehow is still able to light the earth. The earth is inside out and its ground extends infinitely forever and ever that never ends, outward, kind of like how you see flat earthers claim the edges of the world is all just impenetrable ice that keeps the water in and nothing can fly over, somehow. So you can't dig down because, fuck you it is just rock forever and ever.

The stars are all equally microscopic and also you could see all of them at once no matter where you are, because "looking "up" " means you are looking towards the center of the universe. But fuck you, there's universe-fog or something.

If you think "the earth is the center of the universe", the inside out earth theory takes that to the next level. Basically, the earth -IS- the universe.

 

[Peristaltic Pump]

 

[Mortan Shekelstorm]

No politician should have dual allegiance, Any one with one should step down or be fired. "why do you hate jews so much? Do you want us all deported?!" literally alleged I wanted all Irish americans or Scots deported/killed, Funny how they think everyone is as tribal as them

 

[Lord of the Large Pants]

Farming and Homicide would make a great KF username.

 

[From The Uncanny Valley]

"What does partly cloudy mean?"

 

[AnsemSoD1]

"The One Piece is real."

 

[Huh what?]

"Oh it's OK, those businesses are covered by insurance, they'll be fine."

 

[Miriam Margoyles]

My coworker was talking about how the Earth is flat with a hollow core that has planet X inside it. I really couldn't understand what he was babbling about, but this is the same scholar who said calories we're real.

Ain't no planet X comin' 'cause ain't no space 'cause ain't not globe earth.

 

[Dr. Puncherillo]

Anytime I'm questioned for carrying gun, "omg why?" "No one needs a gun wtf bro" all that fag shit makes me mati(marl)