***Aliases will be used for names
T.W.: SA, mentions of pornography and genitalia.
It is evermore tiring is the thing between my legs. I don’t fully know why it bothers me so much, I used to not mind but then again it took to puberty to become evident that it was wrong.
I am 26, 27 in two months. Even before I was SA'd at 16, with him grabbing them and scrutinizing the details. I remember watching gay porn for the first time, I was 14… the bottom not stroking but still in euphoria, no idea why it felt good. Then I used a nunchuck (brilliant idea, I know) to penetrate myself and even though it felt amazing, it was still off. I remember not being able to stroke, the very action feeling obtuse and incorrect. Yes it felt good, yet wrong in a way far deeper than religious shame.
I remember the first time at 14 where I put lotion in a soft bag and used that to hump my stuffed animal, yes it felt good but wrong in the same way. Maybe because I couldn’t see it? I can still orgasm, but my intersex body produces no sperm. I found out I was sterile at 20 years old. My doctor quickly started me on testosterone, and I’ve been there ever since.
I remember the first time I saw ftm porn, I was 15. He was bottoming and stroking. It felt so right, yet there was the shame and I quickly exited out. But it stuck with me.
It took to the pandemic, I was 22, telling strangers about what it felt like. I went to my first discord server and found out that there were cis men of all ages removing their testis or penises willingly, and describing euphoria in a way that felt right.
I remember the first time seeing a man who willingly asked a surgeon to remove all of his external genitalia, keeping a flat groin with a spot of a buried remnant of the head of his penis. He was a nullo. From the pics he showed me, it was clear that he was super hung, so why did he do it and why was I so drawn to it?
I will forever thank this man for showing me so much patience and talking me through it all. His name was Emmerson, he was 53, living outside Chicago, and my first platonic true love. We lost contact over time, but I’ll never forget him.
I soon met another. His name was Alec, a beefy muscular man who used he/they pronouns… something I had been considering for some time. He was 28, I was 22. He is a teacher, with a loving husband, and the first I had met who had all external genitalia turned into a deep vulva. This time, it clicked again. He was like Emmerson, but somewhat lacked the intimacy. He introduced me to others who felt the same way. I learned again that the options were so much broader. They all opened my eyes.
I still struggle with it all. Clearly, knowing your truth makes the pain worse. I’m weeping now.
A week ago, scrolling on smutty twitter (I refuse to call it X), I found a photo of a person very similar to me, but younger who had undergone the lifetime event that I craved. I have been following those of similar experiences for quite some time. I felt a pit in my stomach and a wave of regret. Why regret? I don’t know.
I dreamed that night of my celebrity crush (Matt Bomer) looking at me nude and said “I’ll chop it off right now if you want me.” I immediately said yes and he did it. All I felt was relief. The next day I told my boyfriend, and another beautiful soul who empathized. They said the same thing in different words: “it needs to be done, I will host you for recovery if you need a safe place to recover.”
I remember yesterday. My boyfriend and I were sharing a bath, and he softly played with the head of my genitalia. I remember moaning with euphoria only experienced a handful of times as he said, “I can’t wait for this to feel as good in your dream body… your Barbie bits becoming what they’re meant to be.”
As he held me last night as we fell asleep. I wept softly.
. Scientifically not out of reach of course, I know bottom surgery exists, and it would be possible to get only that, but what doctor would agree to that? Anyways, about a month ago I saw a beautiful person on Twitter who identifies as NonBinary. They turned my world upside down, because they were living the life I've always thought was isolated to my fantasy.... they were born male, they looked incredibly male, except they have had bottom surgery. Of course I sent them a message and of course they didn't respond, but that's ok because they've invigorate me. All that being said, I still can't find much of a community online, and I'm still not even sure what to search in Google with this stuff, I don't even know what to call myself or how to identify... Its interesting, having been out as a gay man for 15 years and to be going through this kind of thing again....
