Can't find a fucking job

[TETRABAX]

Unironically work on hiding your autistic tendencies and try to pretend to be normal in your interviews/first impressions with employers

You only need to really fool them into thinking you are normal person during the interview process. They will figure out you are an autist if you get the job but by then, as long as you do your work, they really won't have a good reason to get rid of you.

In my experience, it is easier to wear the figurative mask of your imagined normal person then trying to suppress the auts

 

[Sergeant Bilko]

Fucking jobs aren't good for your health. Venereal disease runs amok in the sex industry. All the money you make will be spent on healthcare or street drugs to dull the pain.

https://archive.md/j6HPc

https://archive.md/lhQDw

Fecal fetish porn probably has a lot higher rate of venereal disease transmission. Source: my ass.

I recommend applying to as many regular jobs as possible and avoiding the sex industry like the oozing puss wound it is.

 

[Otterly]

A tip for applying online to get through the automated shit. Print the job description off and read it really well. Highlight every single word or phrase that could be used as a thing for HR to screen for. Then make sure your application has those words and phrases in it. This seems to fool the automated filters.
So for example if there’s a line that says ‘ must have two years experience with fermentation setup’ you need to put some sentence with ‘fermentation setup’ in it, and two years.

For interviews look up the STAR technique (situation/task/action/result.) Most interviewers are working from a limited set of competency based questions, like ‘tell me about a time you overcame failure’ or ‘tell me about how you deal with conflict.’ Look up competency based interviewing and get an idea of the stuff they ask, then write down an example for each (lie if you need to no one cares if it sounds good and is believable .) the answers you give should make you look reasonable and capable. Practice the responses so they’re to hand.

Be as affable and normal as you can in interviews. Good luck

 

[euler271]

A tip for applying online to get through the automated shit. Print the job description off and read it really well. Highlight every single word or phrase that could be used as a thing for HR to screen for. Then make sure your application has those words and phrases in it. This seems to fool the automated filters.
So for example if there’s a line that says ‘ must have two years experience with fermentation setup’ you need to put some sentence with ‘fermentation setup’ in it, and two years.

For interviews look up the STAR technique (situation/task/action/result.) Most interviewers are working from a limited set of competency based questions, like ‘tell me about a time you overcame failure’ or ‘tell me about how you deal with conflict.’ Look up competency based interviewing and get an idea of the stuff they ask, then write down an example for each (lie if you need to no one cares if it sounds good and is believable .) the answers you give should make you look reasonable and capable. Practice the responses so they’re to hand.

Be as affable and normal as you can in interviews. Good luck

Good plan but what do you use for making resumes?

 

[Grub]

Good plan but what do you use for making resumes?

Word processing software such as Microsoft word or libreoffice.

 

[Otterly]

Good plan but what do you use for making resumes?

There are templates in word, I just use that. I’m sure there’s fancier ways, but it’s always worked for me. Just look down that list of bullet points or sentences they have as skills they want and make sure everything you can honestly put in is into your resume. When a human looks at it they need to instantly see that you have the stuff they want. I keep my CV as short as I can, couple of pages if possible. Usually
- name, contact details
- one or two sentences as summary
-education/qualifications/ languages / Papers
-jobs listed as latest first, what the title is, what I’m responsible for, and a bullet pointed list of ‘stuff I’ve done on that job’ and that’s where the keywords go. Each job gets a list of bullet points like
- responsible for design and execution of blah blah
- full control of budgets up to blah, including design, contract adjustment, oversight of negotitaion
- scientific oversight of x portfolio resulting in successful blah blah blah. All the keywords from your job ad here

It is time consuming, and I’d advise doing fewer, better applications over many worse ones. Or you can do a two pronged approach - a more tailored cV for jobs with specifics and a general one you use for mass stuff. You can combine the various specific ones into that and that’s often what you need to do when you’re starting out anyway. If you’re early career it’ll always be weighted towards qualification and skill rather than achievement and that’s not as easy to show you can do stuff.
Get someone else to check it for spelling and formatting as well - it’s easy to miss stuff.

 

[Manimal House]

I saw this video last week, and I was particularly interested in the 2.5 minutes talking about 'Ghost Jobs' that starts at the 6:17 mark:

Basically, 70 percent of open positions are being kept open for over half a year and don't necessarily need to be filled. There are several reasons for it, most of them being completely retarded, but regardless it means that the job market numbers are so exaggerated that it's depressing.

I was talking to a couple different hiring managers and recruiters about this recently, one of them is a tech job recruiter. They said that it's looking grim right now because there are only so many industries actually hiring at the moment. The ones that are have gotten overwhelmed with applications because so many people are looking for work due to layoffs. You'd think this would mean that finding a candidate would be easy, but when the people at the top are telling HR to find the best candidate out of all that have applied, the process is time consuming. On top of that, the applicants that get their resume through the system turn out to not be very good candidates at all because in reality, they know how to APPLY for the job (get the resume past the software filters and get to the actual hiring manager) but aren't really qualified. It created a situation where the only ones that are getting interviews are bullshitters.

Putting all that aside, it's not so much a question of 'how to get a job', but rather 'who's hiring'? According to a Fox News article from last week (archive), most of the new jobs are government and social assistance jobs. Health care / hospital jobs opened up too, and while it might not be much, construction and wholesale trade positions were created as well (but afaik those are always hiring).


I'd look at those departments. Right now, the private sector is fucked. Not surprising considering how so many are pinching pennies, if not flat out broke.

 

[biznbuy]

I've applied to so many fucking places in my town and they've all ghosted me. I really need a job and I'm freaking the fuck out. Literally just any shitty job will do.

Why not try listing out what you do know. Might help with recommendations.

So few thing to add.

You can get a bookkeeping or payroll certificate, not a bad deal and if you aren't horrible at math or memorizing a handful of standards you can get job possibly remote as well. Class and cert costs I think less than 3 grand and can pay 15 to 20. Also allows for contract work which you could charge more for. This was just the first one that came to mind but there are a lot of certs that pay and don't cost much, with the perk of sitting at home.

Also have you tried networking? I was given a job that I was completely unqualified for simply because I know someone who worked there, happened twice.

Have you tried just posting online that you will clean gutters, or something, for 50 bucks, go to old neighborhoods, like 55+ or just ones where you know old people are and ask them if you could do it for 50 bucks. One of my first jobs was in my teens doing maintenance, after work would offer to do odd jobs for money.

Look on video game, tech company websites, or utility company websites. Some people get paid a bit for helping others troubleshoot their Xbox, router, or downloading internet porn. I will warn you, this is a really shit job to have, I know people who have done it and hate every minute of it. But you did say "any shitty job".

 

[biznbuy]

A tip for applying online to get through the automated shit. Print the job description off and read it really well. Highlight every single word or phrase that could be used as a thing for HR to screen for. Then make sure your application has those words and phrases in it. This seems to fool the automated filters.

Fucking this, best advice for applying online. I do interviews for new people and interns, we get over a thousand resumes unfiltered. Even by the time it gets to us going through a hundred is still pretty fucking grueling when you still have other responsibilities. I'll read through them all, most managers don't, they just skim for the same key words.

Its not a requirement to make your resume a single page, but I really appreciate it. I usually interview Indians who want to tell me everything they've done since being in their dads sack.

 

[Gar For Archer]

Get in touch with a recruiting agency in your area, especially ones that do temp/contract work. When you speak to a recruiter you are at least guaranteed that
1. the position they are hiring for is real and actively needs to be filled
2. an actual human is going to look at your resume

The kinds of jobs you get from them won’t be particularly stable or glamorous, but they can be a foot in the door and some companies have temp-to-fulltime opportunities for their better temp workers.

Another pro tip is that you can exaggerate on your resume about your experiences, as long as you don’t lie about your abilities. With the kinds of jobs you’re probably looking at realistically nobody is going to audit your background beyond a criminal background check. You can get away with some significant stretching of the truth as long as your skills and competency match with your (claimed) experiences.

 

[Cherry Eyed Hamster]

This is gonna sound stupid, but please check your return email address. If you’re receiving absolutely no communication from any single job it might be your email.

(Happened to me before)

I hate that email is the automatic method of communication from potential employers nowadays. Their responses can easily fall into spam, look like spam, or get buried underneath all the spam. They really need to bring back the old school standard of calling candidates.

 

[Cirrhosis_of_Liver]

They really need to bring back the old school standard of calling candidates.

Don't underestimate how lazy HR gremlins are.

 

[Law]

Getting ghosted during the job search sucks. I've been there. It's so demoralizing.
Have you tried looking at working in elder care or a retirement home? They're desperate to hire people and the pay is often decent. Plus you get to get to help people. Some of the olds have cool stories.

 

[Badungus Kabungus]

Make sure your resume can pass the ATS. (Applicant Tracking System). Make it in Word, keep the formatting simple, avoid multiple column layouts.

 

[HyperboreanRightsActivist]

be presentable, eloquent, not smelling of curry, not wearing a turban, and don't grope anyone in the waiting room.

This is horrible advice. OP if you want a job in tech, you better paint your skin brown and learn how to fake a Hindi accent (bonus points if you learn actual pajeetstani)

 

[Badungus Kabungus]

This is horrible advice. OP if you want a job in tech, you better paint your skin brown and learn how to fake a Hindi accent (bonus points if you learn actual pajeetstani)

It's more complicated than that, you also need to be the right caste, have the right accent, and be from the right part of India. They're surprisingly picky about their nepotism. But seeing as there are 2 billion of them, it's not exactly helping the rest of us.

 

[Catboy Ranch]

This is horrible advice. OP if you want a job in tech, you better paint your skin brown and learn how to fake a Hindi accent (bonus points if you learn actual pajeetstani)

It was like that for a while but the currency gap and the price indian paymasters charge it comes out as a wash--entry level interns are actually cheaper than pajeets, both on-shore and offshore. The on-shore pajeets demand same pay or more than the other wasians do, it's not like the 00s.

the CEOs don't want to sound racist but they know what the quantity over quality is like with offshore pajeets, and they steal intellectual property by using a U.S./EU pajeet start-up to hide the ones who "suddenly quit" who were working at the bigger offshore shops. if you have a big offshore pajeet shop with access to git it might as well be the same as publishing everything to public github.

 

[Overwritten Tapes]

Go to Any manufacturing plant around. There's always a few that pay well and have benefits. Do you have a car? Google is your friend especially if you don't.

Also always lie and say you have reliable transportation even if you dont!

 

[Unarmed Gunman]

@euler271 I'm actually a bit surprised you were able to troll this whole thread so easily.

No mention of your actual skills, education, interests, abilities, past experience, general location (this fucker in Yemen, or..?) etc just "I is autistic, nobody wants me, how make resume" and you get pages of responses. Well played. Kiwi's aren't normally quite this retarded.

 

[Cirrhosis_of_Liver]

Go to Any manufacturing plant around. There's always a few that pay well and have benefits. Do you have a car? Google is your friend especially if you don't.

Also always lie and say you have reliable transportation even if you dont!

Twelve hours on your feet sanding the burrs off of skis or whatever is fucking brutal. I've done plenty of jobs that are perceived as "tough," but the only one that truly kicked my ass was a factory job.

Still, it helps to find work if you already have a job. Kind of like how it's easier to get new women when you have a girlfriend than it is to meet women when you're single.