Grace Lavery / Joseph Lavery & Daniel M. Lavery / Mallory Ortberg - "Straight with extra steps" couple trooning out to avoid "dwindling into mere heterosexuality"

A manly sentiment:
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"I do not like ruined, tattered cottages. I am not fond of nettles or thistles, or heath blossoms."

Charlotte Brontë reading Sense & Sensibility twenty years later, eyes narrowing: I am going to dedicate my life to finding and killing Edward Ferrars

Danny Boy has not pinned either her new book or her new website to the top of her Xitter. Pride of place still goes with prejudice to accusations against "my biological father."

Friend's author-mom advises that literary agents "encourage" authors to market in specific ways and "further encourage" if productive activity is not observed, hence Mallory's uwu plea for a cheap photographer and her struggle with Squarespace.

Authors can hire a publicist to deal with a lot of those marketing efforts, just as they can hire a copyeditor and a proofreader. Gone are the days when publishers or literary agents provided such services, says author-mom with more than a dozen books on a publisher's list. She noted that Mallory stumbles along the path between weak academic and feeble trade publishing.

Yet we see Joe strutting down the same path with a professionally constructed and maintained website. He did not tell his husband, "Text my web jockey and ask him what you fucked up." Interesting. Lily, as an art prof, might know some people in the area who have bested the Squarespace challenge and a few others who are photographers, yet Mallory bleats into the great unknown for help.

Does she not share her needs at home? Or are 2/3rds of the polycule just unwilling to sense her sensibility? Like a lot of lonely women unwittingly isolated by narcissists, she's made a baby her soulmate.

But it's not her baby.

They literally locked her out of the house the other weekend. I take it on faith it was unintentional, but it reads as though she's just at best an afterthought in her own home, and maybe even just that kind of runt dog or estate idiot kicked around by everyone, the one the village kids line up along the fences to pelt with rocks and garbage.
Openly sucking at a task critical to your professional success -- feminists I must say rightly teach that that should somewhat embarrass a woman (she can at least discreetly outsource it). Absolutely sucking at technology as a man -- "Haha just like my dad" (<-- what Mal is hoping for, I think).
Interesting observations, which made me wonder: what competencies does Mal have, exactly? Making herself look like an unserious, un-taken-seriously figure of absurdity (whoever mentioned Candide above, bless you, perfect) channeling Alfred E. Neuman all day long? I know the "I'm a quirky witty oopsie-doopsie dingbat smart gal" shtick was annoying, but playing happy puppy in the current situation with the personalities involved is just embarrassing.

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Forget it Aero. It’s Coomertown.

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Joe's brewing up some summer "delights"! Let's dive right it, it's fucking disgusting!
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Summertime is kitchen project time. Here are a few of the delights @lolz4lilz and I have made over the last few weeks.

There’s an emulsified pineapple vinegar that we made by fermenting pineapple solids, with part of the rind on. I figured that starting off as a lacto ferment would start to produce ethanol, due to the high # of yeast microbes on the outside of the pineapple. Then, after a few days, I backslopped with vinegar and opened the fermentation vessel under cheesecloth. A couple of weeks later, we blended the result and ran it through a sieve with more cheesecloth. It’s one of the tastiest things we’ve made. (With the remaining rinds we made tepache, also pictured.)

There are some noma-pilled classics here: pea shoyu; black garlic “balsamic” (made last year); lacto tomato water; and (not pictured) elderflower kombucha.

Two of these concoctions are pretty much mine, and I’m happy with both of them. The better one is something I’ve called “corn chai vinegar”: after eating a bunch of corn on the cob (midwest classic), we kept the cobs and I made tea with them in a pot with masala spices. We had some of it in that way, which was nice, but then I added everclear and backslopped with vinegar—it’s a sort of “tea vinegar” but for corn? It tastes malty and warmly spiced. The other I’ve called “sea buckthorn Old Bay”: it’s dried sea buckthorn mixed with paprika and dried celery. I first used it as a tea, but I think a better bet will be grinding it into a dry spice rub. I’m cold-infusing the rest of the sea buckthorn with rice bran oil, which will take months.

Rocco made cherry wine! (Lily’s pic.) We got a ton of montmorency cherries, macerated them, then the baby stomped them like grapes, and they’re now fermenting in a carboy, which I’m defending against fruitflies with a nitrile glove.

Lily’s eating a bagel with a gooseberry chammanthai I made: blended fresh (green) gooseberries with coconut cream, chili, and curry leaves.

Note right away that it's "Lily and I." Mallory is excluded from this extremely complicated, messy, and time-consuming series of slop brewing projects.

"Lily's eating a bagel with a gooseberry chammanthai I made: blended fresh (green) gooseberries with coconut cream, chili, and curry leaves"
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Chammanthai is coconut chutney. Joe's concoction is a few random things chucked into a blender. This probably doesn't taste disgusting but it doesn't make any sense either.

"Rocco made cherry wine! (Lily’s pic.) We got a ton of montmorency cherries, macerated them, then the baby stomped them like grapes, and they’re now fermenting in a carboy, which I’m defending against fruitflies with a nitrile glove."
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Making wine, cool project for a sober dude with a sober wife. Joe is constantly buying alcohol for his cookery. (Side note: he's apparently shaving his legs, true and honest woman after all?)

"Something I’ve called 'corn chai vinegar': after eating a bunch of corn on the cob (midwest classic), we kept the cobs and I made tea with them in a pot with masala spices. We had some of it in that way, which was nice, but then I added everclear and backslopped with vinegar—it’s a sort of “tea vinegar” but for corn? It tastes malty and warmly spiced."
(Ed. note: realized belatedly that Joe did not provide a pic of this concoction but I was able to draw an accurate one after 17 hours in Paint)
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Everclear-soaked corn with spices. Imagine having to drink a cup of Joe's hot gnawed-corncob water and pretend that it's a "nice" (lol) "tea" (lol).

"There are some noma-pilled classics here: pea shoyu; black garlic 'balsamic' (made last year); lacto tomato water; and (not pictured) elderflower kombucha."
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If you don't know, Noma is a three-Michelin-star restaurant in Copenhagen, Denmark, helmed by world-famous chef Rene Redzepi. Whereas Joe's "tomato water" is a bottle of slop thrown together by a fat tranny clown. "Classics"! (Side note: LOLOLOLOLOLOL that they had to pack and move bottles of his "black garlic 'balsamic'" across the country.)

" The other I’ve called 'sea buckthorn Old Bay': it’s dried sea buckthorn mixed with paprika and dried celery. I first used it as a tea, but I think a better bet will be grinding it into a dry spice rub. I’m cold-infusing the rest of the sea buckthorn with rice bran oil, which will take months."
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What's wrong, babe? You haven't touched your paprika water. Do you want me to grind it up into a gritty paste spice rub and smear it all over some meat instead?


The cookery has got to be my favorite thing about this pompous prick. He decides he wants to cook. Fine. Does he make dinner for his family? No. Does he try to master a couple of simple dishes first? No. Does he check out a book on fermentation from the library, read it, and choose one recipe to try? Hell no! He takes on fifteen multi-day, ultra-advanced """projects""" at a time, all of which require specialized equipment and highly specialized ingredients. He destroys the kitchen. He takes up every shelf in the house with his jars of fetid grog, and every last one of his concoctions is so disgusting and useless there's no sensible way to even use them! And you know there's yet another burden on the women to not only choke down Joe's hot gnawed-corncob water, but to praise his genius in devising it. Lily, you dumb fuck. You can't even eat a bagel anymore without Joe smearing some nasty made-up blendered gooseberry 'n leaf paste all over it. Amazing.
 
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The cookery
Reminds me of the summer our latchkey cohort took those "make playdough at home" activities off the chain and started filling ziplocs with "fake vomit" made from curry powder, food coloring, and a baking soda paste.

Grandma about tanned our hides when she got home.
 
There are some noma-pilled classics here: pea shoyu; black garlic 'balsamic' (made last year); lacto tomato water; and (not pictured) elderflower kombucha."
I just love Joe is so incredibly desperate to impress that pretends his sad homebrew vinegar “make work” project is inspired by a three star Michelin restaurant.

Cosmopolitan Joe is suffering in his girlfriend’s little normie Midwestern house, so they let him play foodie make-believe games with bottles and mouldering goods from the farmers market.

It’s comparable, but far less useful, than all the Midwestern dads that home brew beer. At least those guys do it in the garage and don’t ruin the kitchen with their hobby horse fermentation projects.
 
Yhe
I just love Joe is so incredibly desperate to impress that pretends his sad homebrew vinegar “make work” project is inspired by a three star Michelin restaurant.

Cosmopolitan Joe is suffering in his girlfriend’s little normie Midwestern house, so they let him play foodie make-believe games with bottles and mouldering goods from the farmers market.

It’s comparable, but far less useful, than all the Midwestern dads that home brew beer. At least those guys do it in the garage and don’t ruin the kitchen with their hobby horse fermentation projects.
The Midwest is actually full of trans people. It shocked me too.
 
I just love Joe is so incredibly desperate to impress that pretends his sad homebrew vinegar “make work” project is inspired by a three star Michelin restaurant.
I've been Leonardo Da Vinci pilled lately, here's some of the art I've created.
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"then I added everclear"

Good thing our self-praising concoctionist moved to Michigan. Everclear is illegal in New York and California (source). Joe obviously has many empty hours to fill. No remote classes to teach, professor?
A moment of cosmic wonder was chancing across a 170-foot container ship berthed in Long Beach with EVER CLEAR emblazoned on its stern.
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Wuh? I can get it by the ton? Luxco has its own freighters?

One of MV Ever Clear's sister ships is MV Ever Cope, btw.

Memory itch? It was the MV Evergiven that blocked the Suez Canal for 106 days and the MV Ever Forward that was aground in the Chesapeake Bay for a month. The MV Ever Clear sails on unbesmirsched, currently under way from Vietnam to Taiwan at 5.5 knots.
 
Joe cooks like he's sure he's got some hidden insight into the world of flavors. Maybe he does hit something good from time to time, but given the appearance of the dishes he posts I'm not really optimistic on his batting average. I am curious as to what Sea Buckthorn is, though.


They literally locked her out of the house the other weekend. I take it on faith it was unintentional, but it reads as though she's just at best an afterthought in her own home, and maybe even just that kind of runt dog or estate idiot kicked around by everyone, the one the village kids line up along the fences to pelt with rocks and garbage.
Mal was at the bottom of the pecking order when they were in the apartment that her Substack advance had been paying for. Now they're in Lily's house, which is going to give her even more say over the household. She moved with her husband, his girlfriend and their baby into her husband's girlfriend's house, she's going to have less of an influence than little Rocco.


Interesting observations, which made me wonder: what competencies does Mal have, exactly? Making herself look like an unserious, un-taken-seriously figure of absurdity (whoever mentioned Candide above, bless you, perfect) channeling Alfred E. Neuman all day long? I know the "I'm a quirky witty oopsie-doopsie dingbat smart gal" shtick was annoying, but playing happy puppy in the current situation with the personalities involved is just embarrassing.

She might be able to rekindle the writing career if A: Women's Hotel does okay and B: find someplace that will put out articles and blogposts that are in her wheelhouse coupled with C: actually writing. The ironic thing is that Women's Hotel sounds like it would be a great follow-up to Texts From Jane Eyre. The exact kind of stepping stone she'd need to transition from the collected blogpost style of Texts into novel writing, if she can stick the landing. The sort of novel that would appeal to the fans of Mallory Ortbeg, writer for The Toast. Trouble is that between Dear Prudence, her navel-gazing troonout book and her unproductive Substack she actively shed her audience. She probably would have been better off if she'd gone dark after Texts came out and then just popped back up with this out of the blue.

But in terms of practical skills...I don't think she's ever held a real job, due to her early writing success. She'd be stocking shelves at Target or sitting behind the counter at a gas station.
 
I am curious as to what Sea Buckthorn is, though.

It’s a shrub that has berries and is common enough in Northern European cooking. It’s also been glommed onto by the alt medicine crowd. It’s… ok. It’s more fruity I guess so not sure why paprika was the obvious choice to Joe. If he launches a Martha Stewart style side hustle I think I will die from happiness. Simple Midwest mama with his tricksy kitchen bullshit could be book number 5. Dare I dream of a YouTube channel?

She'd be stocking shelves at Target or sitting behind the counter at a gas station.

Hey she wiped arses at an old people’s home so she got mad skills.
 
tanned our hides
Now that's a phrase you don't hear much today!

Everclear is illegal in New York and California (source).
Lol, another throwback from my yoot. Some fraternities still throw Purple Passion parties, featuring garbage cans full of a purple mixture that was mostly Everclear. Brutal.

...oh, checked that source, and it seems it's Everclear 190 that is illegal for sale in some states for use in beverages. Everclear 151 and 120, and foodgrade Everclear 200 appear legal even in most places, though in CA you'd have to go to an industrial supplier for 200. And NY liquor stores have 190 for sale, despite that site's note that it is not legal.

In any case, interesting choice for a 50,000-years-sober guy.

Yeah, all of that was what I was getting at. I find it interesting her bios often feature Prudence first on the list, when she flamed out of it so hard.

Summertime is kitchen project time
Can he write anything without throwing 5 million "if you know, you know, and you probably don't" terms? [Rhetorical.]

Dare I dream of a YouTube channel?
Too much work.
 
Joe should post the recipes. And by recipes I mean I want that kind of cookbook where it's two pages of self-absorbed text about nonsense and emotional reactions and memories then there's a little thing at the end like "put tomatoes to ferment in a bottle" that both is obvious but also leaves out key details to achieve the result.
 
I want that kind of cookbook where it's two pages of self-absorbed text about nonsense and emotional reactions and memories

Cooking is a form of transition so his cookbook will not be memories and emotions but sperging about how his most horrifying combinations interrogate bourgeois heteronormative food’s limitations both as physical sustenance and cultural hermeneutic.
 
...oh, checked that source, and it seems it's Everclear 190 that is illegal for sale in some states for use in beverages. Everclear 151 and 120, and foodgrade Everclear 200 appear legal even in most places, though in CA you'd have to go to an industrial supplier for 200. And NY liquor stores have 190 for sale, despite that site's note that it is not legal.

Beyotch, you killed my dream. Was lining up some NASCAR drivers to run Everclear on both coasts. Eventually take over the culinary solvents market. Worldwide cartel. Colombians humble in my presence.

Joe should post the recipes.

That would require measurements. I have concerns.

Thread tax - with a plea for decoding. Which Jane Austen book is manly Mister Lavery alluding to here with her collection of Prudency foremothers?
bj bros.png
Daniel M. Lavery
@daniel_m_lavery
12h

"well well well if it isn't the blowjob brothers" has met its match in

Caption: The original sb sisters
Winifred Black
Dorothy Dix
Nixola Greely-Smith
Ada Paterson

yr good friend gracie
@clothingweapon
9h

me when i meet up with the other fatally emotionally vulnerable butches
 
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Beyotch, you killed my dream. Was lining up some NASCAR drivers to run Everclear on both coasts. Eventually take over the culinary solvents market. Worldwide cartel. Colombians humble in my presence.



That would require measurements. I have concerns.

Thread tax - with a plea for decoding. Which Jane Austen book is manly Mister Lavery alluding to here with her collection of Prudency foremothers?
View attachment 6263321
Daniel M. Lavery
@daniel_m_lavery
12h

"well well well if it isn't the blowjob brothers" has met its match in

Caption: The original sb sisters
Winifred Black
Dorothy Dix
Nixola Greely-Smith
Ada Paterson

yr good friend gracie
@clothingweapon
9h

me when i meet up with the other fatally emotionally vulnerable butches
Psst, your slip is showing. [Edit your screenshot]
 
The cookery has got to be my favorite thing about this pompous prick. He decides he wants to cook. Fine.

But then the fat ugly clown's gotta remind you he has a DAGREE from COLLAGE! A MASTERS DAGREE!

By parsing together psychobabble big $5,000 words (when a 5 cent one'll do) into a skitzoid word salad fit for the midwestern landfill.

Lily is the other woman in this. She inserted herself between an ugly, jowly melted wax statue and a talentless, incapable wRiTeR who's unqualified to write for the Thrifty Nickel.

Only loser in this is the infant...
 
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But then the fat ugly clown's gotta remind you he has a DAGREE from COLLAGE! A MASTERS DAGREE!

He sez he met a Pee H. Dee at Penn.

But y'know, I've been saying he has a professionally maintained website while Mallory is trying to build a model airplane with the propellor glued to her nose.

But his pro website - https://www.gracelavery.org/ - stalled in 2021, I now see. Closures (the sitcom booklet) is nowhere to be found. Neither is Gogo. Joe's still in Brooklyn. No Rocco. The "News" page does have a couple of 2022 items and one from 2023, and the "Scholarly Work" page has Pleasure and Efficacy from 2023, but the site's ready for embalming.

My first guess - Joe hasn't been able to afford a content manager.
 
Joe hasn't been able to afford a content manager.
Nobody in that house seems particularly content.

But isn't "online content manager" one of the archetypal laptop-class sinecures? It'd behoove either of the underemployed members of the family to get up to speed on their own web presence, in hopes of maybe having the tiniest shred of future-proofing their career.
 
Note right away that it's "Lily and I." Mallory is excluded from this extremely complicated, messy, and time-consuming series of slop brewing projects.

Lily and Joe play house with the baby they made together, frolicking outside in the sun, posting boastful pictures to Instagram.

Meanwhile, Mallory: ignored, sick, broke, sexually mutilated, former property owner turned unwelcome housemate, prone to being "accidentally" locked out of the house owned by her husband's mistress. Sitting inside struggling and failing to set up a Squarespace website, humiliatingly and publicly ignored.

Bitch wrote "Texts from Jane Eyre" and somehow wound up as a scarier and more dread-inducing version of Bertha.
 
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