Dear Dan Simmons,
We have taken your family hostage. If you want to see them alive again, immediately write a dystopian novel that incorporates the following ideas:
1) The election of Obama in 2008 triggers a wave of socialist entitlement programs that bankrupts the United States. Be sure to repeatedly point out that the debt run up by the liberals is the key factor in this. Do NOT mention that Bill Clinton‘s administration paid off a huge national debt that had increased dramatically during the Reagan and Bush Sr. years or that a surplus once again became massive debt during George W. Bush‘s two terms.
2) 75% of the US population does NOT pay taxes, but is entitled to expanded benefits like retiring at 50 with full Social Security benefits. Do NOT point out that it’s usually the Democrats who are accused of wanting more taxes or that current conventional wisdom regarding Social Security is that the retirement age will be raised, not lowered.
2) Muslim extremists now rule most of the world because Obama and the liberals appeased them at every turn. Do NOT mention the so-called Arab Spring or how Obama ordered a SEAL team to appease Osama bin Ladin.
3) The US has lost several states to secession and the southwest has been captured by militarized Mexican gangs.
4) Global warming was proven to be a myth. That’s it. Just say that.
5) The US wasted the last of its money researching worthless green technologies. All the cars are now electric pieces of shit with extremely limited range. Make sure that at some point the hero pins all his hopes of escape on obtaining a V8 muscle car and that his idea is inspired by Mad Max and The Road Warrior. Do NOT point out that a huge expansion of power by countries promoting radical Islam would probably have to be financed by oil production.
6) Right wing radio commenters have been banned and broadcast as pirate radio stations while the state sponsored NPR is the official news channel. Do NOT mention Fox News at any point.
7) The liberals stripped the US military of its nuclear arms and funding. However, the military is now farmed out as a mercenary army to raise cash. If the army was gutted, why would anyone hire it as a mercenary force? Do NOT raise that question.
Be sure that there is a character who is an aging academic who is realizing that his type of well-meaning but fuzzy headed liberal thinking was the reason the world has gone to hell.
9) Japan now effectively controls the US.
10) Texas is an independent republic that is the last bastion of real American ideals like keeping most of what you earn to pay for your own health care. Wait. Didn’t we say that we wanted you to have most of the old US paying no taxes and that was part of the downfall? Oh, well. Write it up like that anyhow. No one will notice.
You may incorporate whatever sci-fi elements you feel necessary to entice your usual readers. We suggest a drug that most of the country is addicted to that allows users to relive their favorite memories over and over. Also, mystery stories are popular so incorporate some kind of plot with a detective. Perhaps a former cop who is now addicted to this drug after the death of his wife? We leave those details up to you so that you can get your fans to read this political manifesto.
Once this book is published, we will release your family unharmed.
Sincerely,
The Tea Party
