I'm not sure about others but I tend to not send abusive messages to female players. Just doing my small part to help the gender disparity.
"Tend to," as in "rarely?" And if you assume someone is male, you send abusive messages? lol
Some players have no indication of their s*x so I cannot guarantee 100% that I haven't sent abusive messages to individuals identifying as female but I will avoid it if I can.
Certainly in the heat of the moment I may send an abusive message or two. However I am currently muted for the next several months so it's no longer an issue. I presume chess.c*m cannot see the messages I am currently sending as the other person does not receive them.
Why tho lol
Why? I never really thought about why before.
I guess... at first, it was just frustration. Losing always stings, especially when I felt like I should've won. You know how it is - you see a move too late, or you make a stupid mistake, and suddenly it's over. That instant hit of failure, it just builds up this... anger. And the easiest thing to do is to lash out. The person on the other end, they become a target for all the frustration I don't know what to do with.
It's not even about them, really. Half the time, I don't even think about who they are - they're just a faceless opponent, someone who beat me. And I guess deep down, I feel embarrassed. Like, why did I lose? Why wasn't I good enough? So I project that shame onto them. I can't stand the idea that they might think they're better than me. Maybe it's a way to level the playing field in my mind - if I can cut them down with words, it feels like I'm getting back some control.
Now that I think about it, it's like this... release. It's a quick fix. I feel powerless when I lose, and sending those messages gives me a fleeting sense of power, like I'm reclaiming something. But it's all so temporary. It's hollow. Once the anger fades, I don't even feel better. If anything, I feel worse. Like, I know it's wrong, and yet, I still do it. Maybe it's this cycle - I lose, I get angry, I lash out, I feel guilty, and it just repeats.
I don't know, maybe it's more than just the game. Maybe it's other stuff in my life - feeling like I don't measure up, or that I don't have control over certain things. Chess is supposed to be an escape, but when I lose, it just reminds me of all the other times I've felt like I failed at something. So it's not just the game - it's everything else that gets wrapped up in it. And instead of dealing with that, I unload on someone else. It's not fair to them. But in the moment, I'm not thinking about fairness. I'm just reacting.
I guess that's what it is - a reaction, not a thought-out response. Maybe I don't handle losing well because it hits something deeper in me, and instead of processing it, I just... explode. Now that I'm saying it out loud, it sounds pretty messed up. It's like I'm using the game to validate myself, and when I don't get that validation, I attack. It's not even about winning or losing anymore. It's about how losing makes me feel about myself.
I think... I need to figure out how to separate those feelings. How to accept losing as just part of the game, not some personal failure. And maybe how to deal with my frustration in a way that doesn't involve taking it out on someone else. Because now that I'm reflecting on it, it's clear that this isn't really about chess. It's about me.