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ADVICE BY JESSICA STOYA
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis man who got divorced from a cis woman about a year ago. Up until my divorce, I’d had a pretty conventional sex life. But since then, I’ve been exploring. And by exploring, I mean hooking up with men on occasion, which has been a positive experience. But recently, I kicked things up a notch.
I participated in a five-guy orgy with some people I met online. Everyone played safe and had a good time. I’d even consider doing it again. The problem is that since then I’ve been feeling intense feelings of guilt, which I’ve never experienced before. Being bisexual is one thing, but being an “orgy guy” seems different.
I also plan to settle down with a long-term romantic partner someday. I’m afraid that most people would be distressed to learn that about a potential partner. I wouldn’t necessarily want to keep it a secret, but I’d definitely be afraid to reveal it. Am I wrong to feel this way?
—Social Butterfly
Dear Social Butterfly,
I’m not sure whether the majority of people would be distressed to find that their partner once participated in orgies with members of the same sex, but there definitely are people who would be very distressed. The question to ask yourself is whether those are the people you’d want to settle down with. On the one hand, yes, something that might scandalize people will further narrow your potential dating pool. But keep in mind: You’re only looking for one eventual long-term romantic partner—you don’t need the whole pool to be interested in you to find that.
It’s also worth thinking through why you want to settle down, and what you want that eventual relationship to look like. Do you have some ideas about what long-term relationships are supposed to be like that might be unnecessarily limiting your options in the future? Where did those ideas come from? And, when you reexamine those thoughts, are they in line with your own values and desires?
Regardless of where your feelings end up settling, remember that our emotions occur without permission, but what we can control is our actions. And be patient with yourself—the orgies will be there if you want to continue to partake. There’s no pressure to decide one way or another just yet.
***
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been married for over 10 years. Of course, the sex life has gotten less frequent. We used to have sex daily when we were dating and before we had children but now it is just once a week if I am lucky. However, this is not the worst part. We only have one position now “doggy style.” My wife put on weight after the children so she only feels comfortable with this position. I have tried a couple of other things but she says it is too sensitive. I don’t know what to do. I’m finding the sex quite boring and in turn, it is getting harder for me to get an erection. Any way to bring this up with her? Or other advice?
—Spice It Up
Dear Spice It Up,
What do you miss about positions other than doggy? Variety probably springs to mind first, but it’s worth going deeper. Is connection on the list? Could that be replicated by incorporating a mirror (presuming your wife is comfortable with that) or engaging in verbal exchanges during the act? Is it a certain angle? Experiment with using pillows to prop up her hips or chest to get a wider range of sensations.
You’ll need your wife’s cooperation for both of the suggestions I’ve made above, and that’ll require a conversation. Look back at previous issues you’ve successfully tackled for tactics to use when bringing this and future subjects up. In your own words, you might start with, “I’m trying to figure out how we can continue to connect sexually, and have a couple of ideas I’d like to run past you.” Or, “I want our physical relationship to continue to grow, and would like to work together on how that can happen. Are you open to having a talk about our sex life?” Give her space to respond and go from there. Lead with kindness, and a desire to add to what the two of you have already built.
***
Dear How to Do It,
How do you get rid of or at least lessen fantasies you don’t necessarily want to have? For context, I (F) have been with my boyfriend for several years, and as of the last year or so, I suddenly developed sort of a sexual crush I would call it on my boyfriend’s very good friend, which is definitely unfortunate. This usually takes the form of just small little fantasies, and I think it’s about the novelty of thinking about it more than anything. I would never cheat on my partner, and I don’t feel like inclination when we’re all together in person. But I still feel guilty nursing this fantasy. It kind of feels like I’m betraying my boyfriend. Is it a problem? What can I do?
—Forbidden
Dear Forbidden,
First, know that you’re far from alone in having fantasies you’re uncomfortable with. We’ve heard from many people over the years who have found themselves in the same predicament. The one real solution we’ve come up with and often recommend is to practice mindfulness (and in turn, meditation), so you can turn your thoughts toward something else when this fantasy appears. This approach requires constant redirection when the unwanted thoughts arise.
While we generally hold the stance that there is no such thing as a thought crime, the fact that you’re encouraging this within yourself despite feeling as though you’re betraying your partner raises a flag for me. There’s a pretty fine yet relevant line between passively experiencing fantasies and returning to them on purpose, and it sounds like you might be engaging in the latter. So take some time to consider what your own morals and ethics are on this subject. What do you feel is right and wrong? Where are the lines, for you? How comfortable are you being close to those lines? And, if you’re up for it, exploring the “whys” behind each of these questions would be useful. The more understanding you can gain, the happier you’ll be with the choices you make.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife of some 30 years seems uninterested in traditional sex with me. This wasn’t always the case. She seems different the past few years and I suspect she may have had an encounter with her friend who is polyamorous. I have some limited evidence that something occurred but nothing definitive. She can climax with clitoral stimulation but she seems distant and potentially fantasizing about some other occasion.
I have asked her about it but she denies it and declares that traditional PIV sex is painful. She seems to have virtually no interest in me stimulating her with my penis, much preferring to lie on her back and be stimulated with my fingers. She will “do” me afterwards and feigns excitement but I know it’s all for show. Not sure I can do this over the long haul but don’t know how to move any sort of solution forward either. Help!
—Scarred
Dear Scarred,
You use the word “seem” more than once, but you don’t mention having any sort of discussion with your wife. While broaching the subject directly can be scary, it’s your best path forward. After all, it’d be a shame to end a relationship based on assumptions when a conversation might help you get back on a happier course. The better an understanding you have of the situation, the more likely you are to be able to work out a solution that is agreeable to both you and your wife.
But aside from the fact that your wife “seems different” in recent years, and your perception of her as faking desire for penetration, what you describe sounds pretty common. Many women derive much more pleasure from clitoral stimulation, and could take or leave penetration when it comes to their own direct enjoyment. So try not to start your conversation with accusations lobbed at your wife, it’ll only hurt you in the long run.
—Jessica
Archive
ADVICE BY JESSICA STOYA
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis man who got divorced from a cis woman about a year ago. Up until my divorce, I’d had a pretty conventional sex life. But since then, I’ve been exploring. And by exploring, I mean hooking up with men on occasion, which has been a positive experience. But recently, I kicked things up a notch.
I participated in a five-guy orgy with some people I met online. Everyone played safe and had a good time. I’d even consider doing it again. The problem is that since then I’ve been feeling intense feelings of guilt, which I’ve never experienced before. Being bisexual is one thing, but being an “orgy guy” seems different.
I also plan to settle down with a long-term romantic partner someday. I’m afraid that most people would be distressed to learn that about a potential partner. I wouldn’t necessarily want to keep it a secret, but I’d definitely be afraid to reveal it. Am I wrong to feel this way?
—Social Butterfly
Dear Social Butterfly,
I’m not sure whether the majority of people would be distressed to find that their partner once participated in orgies with members of the same sex, but there definitely are people who would be very distressed. The question to ask yourself is whether those are the people you’d want to settle down with. On the one hand, yes, something that might scandalize people will further narrow your potential dating pool. But keep in mind: You’re only looking for one eventual long-term romantic partner—you don’t need the whole pool to be interested in you to find that.
It’s also worth thinking through why you want to settle down, and what you want that eventual relationship to look like. Do you have some ideas about what long-term relationships are supposed to be like that might be unnecessarily limiting your options in the future? Where did those ideas come from? And, when you reexamine those thoughts, are they in line with your own values and desires?
Regardless of where your feelings end up settling, remember that our emotions occur without permission, but what we can control is our actions. And be patient with yourself—the orgies will be there if you want to continue to partake. There’s no pressure to decide one way or another just yet.
***
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been married for over 10 years. Of course, the sex life has gotten less frequent. We used to have sex daily when we were dating and before we had children but now it is just once a week if I am lucky. However, this is not the worst part. We only have one position now “doggy style.” My wife put on weight after the children so she only feels comfortable with this position. I have tried a couple of other things but she says it is too sensitive. I don’t know what to do. I’m finding the sex quite boring and in turn, it is getting harder for me to get an erection. Any way to bring this up with her? Or other advice?
—Spice It Up
Dear Spice It Up,
What do you miss about positions other than doggy? Variety probably springs to mind first, but it’s worth going deeper. Is connection on the list? Could that be replicated by incorporating a mirror (presuming your wife is comfortable with that) or engaging in verbal exchanges during the act? Is it a certain angle? Experiment with using pillows to prop up her hips or chest to get a wider range of sensations.
You’ll need your wife’s cooperation for both of the suggestions I’ve made above, and that’ll require a conversation. Look back at previous issues you’ve successfully tackled for tactics to use when bringing this and future subjects up. In your own words, you might start with, “I’m trying to figure out how we can continue to connect sexually, and have a couple of ideas I’d like to run past you.” Or, “I want our physical relationship to continue to grow, and would like to work together on how that can happen. Are you open to having a talk about our sex life?” Give her space to respond and go from there. Lead with kindness, and a desire to add to what the two of you have already built.
***
Dear How to Do It,
How do you get rid of or at least lessen fantasies you don’t necessarily want to have? For context, I (F) have been with my boyfriend for several years, and as of the last year or so, I suddenly developed sort of a sexual crush I would call it on my boyfriend’s very good friend, which is definitely unfortunate. This usually takes the form of just small little fantasies, and I think it’s about the novelty of thinking about it more than anything. I would never cheat on my partner, and I don’t feel like inclination when we’re all together in person. But I still feel guilty nursing this fantasy. It kind of feels like I’m betraying my boyfriend. Is it a problem? What can I do?
—Forbidden
Dear Forbidden,
First, know that you’re far from alone in having fantasies you’re uncomfortable with. We’ve heard from many people over the years who have found themselves in the same predicament. The one real solution we’ve come up with and often recommend is to practice mindfulness (and in turn, meditation), so you can turn your thoughts toward something else when this fantasy appears. This approach requires constant redirection when the unwanted thoughts arise.
While we generally hold the stance that there is no such thing as a thought crime, the fact that you’re encouraging this within yourself despite feeling as though you’re betraying your partner raises a flag for me. There’s a pretty fine yet relevant line between passively experiencing fantasies and returning to them on purpose, and it sounds like you might be engaging in the latter. So take some time to consider what your own morals and ethics are on this subject. What do you feel is right and wrong? Where are the lines, for you? How comfortable are you being close to those lines? And, if you’re up for it, exploring the “whys” behind each of these questions would be useful. The more understanding you can gain, the happier you’ll be with the choices you make.
Dear How to Do It,
My wife of some 30 years seems uninterested in traditional sex with me. This wasn’t always the case. She seems different the past few years and I suspect she may have had an encounter with her friend who is polyamorous. I have some limited evidence that something occurred but nothing definitive. She can climax with clitoral stimulation but she seems distant and potentially fantasizing about some other occasion.
I have asked her about it but she denies it and declares that traditional PIV sex is painful. She seems to have virtually no interest in me stimulating her with my penis, much preferring to lie on her back and be stimulated with my fingers. She will “do” me afterwards and feigns excitement but I know it’s all for show. Not sure I can do this over the long haul but don’t know how to move any sort of solution forward either. Help!
—Scarred
Dear Scarred,
You use the word “seem” more than once, but you don’t mention having any sort of discussion with your wife. While broaching the subject directly can be scary, it’s your best path forward. After all, it’d be a shame to end a relationship based on assumptions when a conversation might help you get back on a happier course. The better an understanding you have of the situation, the more likely you are to be able to work out a solution that is agreeable to both you and your wife.
But aside from the fact that your wife “seems different” in recent years, and your perception of her as faking desire for penetration, what you describe sounds pretty common. Many women derive much more pleasure from clitoral stimulation, and could take or leave penetration when it comes to their own direct enjoyment. So try not to start your conversation with accusations lobbed at your wife, it’ll only hurt you in the long run.
—Jessica
