- Joined
- Feb 12, 2013
It is largely due to nostalgia, and were it not for this and the space gimmick giving it an extra cheese boost it would be rivalling V for the worst spot, with V being my pick due to just how badly made the movie was on a technical standpoint (i.e. scenes randomly starting and ending as if cut a minute too early/late, the garbled excuse of a script) and how overtly fucking annoying its shitty duhurrr comedy angle was, which specifically made the movie actively annoying to watch rather than just boring or disappointing
Anyway, on to the next movie.
PROM NIGHT
Premise: Interchangable "someone dun died accidentally and now a mystery killer is out for revenge on those who dun did it" storyline, this time being waged on a bunch of high schoolers who accidentally killed kid when they were in grade school during their prom night. I chose this one because as I mentioned before, the godawful 2000s remake of this shit managed to qualify as my "worst horror movie I personally watched" due to how much of a joyless fucking chore to watch it was, unlike so many technically worse yet still vastly more enjoyable schlocky exploitationy flicks I have watched before, and so I feel its only right to see just how much of a downgrade it truly was.
Execution: Open on a derelict school and a bunch of child actors singing about how "the killers are cumming" which I guess is one way to start a movie. Music is already eh but maybe it will veer into my beloved horror synth before the night is out. Child actors are playing serial killer themed tag I guess, and as per the gentleman's code I will not judge child acting unless it gets really fucking bad.....cue the future main character and her siblings dressed as french mimes and....wait Leslie Nielsen is in this? Huh and the movie came out same year as Airplane so....I guess this qualifies as one his last fleeting moments of non-farce. The literal tard of her two siblings goes inside to join in, and the kids automatically add her to serial killer tag (i.e. literal tag but they chant about how they are gonna fuckin knife you while they chase you) which eventually devolves into good old fashioned kicking of the autistic, causing the tard girl to accidentally fall out a window to her death. Not wanting to go to shitty child actor jail they all swear themselves to secrecy.
ENTER NIELSEN.
Apparently falling out a window means the kid had a train ran on her by the local prevert
Sorry, that was supposed to go on the previous post, but cant be bothered to change now....anyway Nielsen is apparently the kid's father, and his wife is somehow a worse actor than the child actors. Six years later and it seems the quality of the film abruptly improved, and the remaining family is visiting the tard kid's grave, while her angy mute brother glares and clenches his fists....2 seconds imma check something (goes to check wikipedia) ok yeah he's the killer. Sorry to spoil that shit for you. Anyway main character chick turns out to be Jaimie Lee Curtis, although thats hardly a surprise as she was in like half these kinds of movies at this time. She casually manages to out-act the rest of the cast going forwards while chewing her breakfast so atleast between her and Nielsen we have some decent talent on screen. Cue random red herring janitor all three characters notice and make "gee that creepy motherfucker sure is likely to go on a killing spree soon..." comments about. Next scenes and we get our killer making his death threats by phone, and I wonder if this was an inspiration for Ghostface or if there is some earlier root source. First 20 minutes and shit is pretty slow, and not really anything of note to show beyond the two big names in the cast.
Anyway apparently the tard girl death was blamed on some random nonce who we meet in flash back getting set on fire, and who we are immediately told has escaped from the mental hospital so yeah we are really racking up the red herrings tonight. The spoopy calls lose what little spoopy factor they have as we go through effectively the same scene over and over and over again. Oh yeah and one of the chicks randomly got seduced by some fatass manlet elvis impersonator driving a windowless van who seems like a far more interesting character than most seen thus far. They are really playing up the rando nonce red herring as the killer, and I guess they are sorta aping the halloween plot with him randomly escaping the mental hospital and hightailing it back to his hometown. Anyway jamie lee curtis is dancing randomly which is kinda neat I guess....wait no now she is engaging in relationship melodrama with another 30 year old teenager. Ok now she randomly got groped by another red herring in a balaclava, tard brother jumps him, gets jumped by another red herring who he beats down along with anothe red herring.....fuck my ass this whole rundown smells of fucking fish.
I guess we are still entertaining the nonce red herring subplot as the police chief tries to hunt him down....and back to the main plot. Half an hour down and I am really not liking the look of the next hour, especially if we keep getting fucking flash backs every two seconds in the middle of conversation. Blonde chick randomly flashes her ass at red herring no.1 because I guess they remembered they are failing the mandatory nudity quota....and cue the shower scene. Oh and I guess we are getting another spooky scene which....goes nowhere beyond a mirror randomly being broken as Red Herring no.1 lurks nearby. Scenes happen, and we are now halfway through the movie. Red Herrings No.3/4/5 have teamed up with designated bitch girl to do....something bad I guess as they all take off in a shit encrusted car to the prom. Now we get some reasonable quality spoopy shots of the empty school which finally raise the fear factor in this movie to that of your average liminal spaces compilation. Oh and I guess the prom is happening now.....kinda feel it should have had more buildup but whatever. For some reason the police chief is hanging out there instead of hunting Red Herring no.2. Cut to Leslie Nielsen awkwardly dancing with Jamie Lee Curtis and I have to remind myself not to laugh. Oh and speaking of dancing now Curtis is having yet anuddah dedicated dancing scene and....wasnt this supposed to be a fucking slasher movie? I mean she's a good dancer but I am feeling kinda hungy for someone to get an axe to the skull.
We now hit the one hour mark and thus far nothing scary or interesting has happened, and the movie has frankly not even tried. Cue attempted sex scene and jesus that guy kisses like a hungry dog licking spilled fish guts off a discarded boot. I know that you did not attend this slasher movie rundown to read the Judge Holden kiss rating hour but I gotta work with what I got at hand here. Oh and that ended with some mid booby and...oh are we finally getting a kill? I guess so, and the movie suddenly goes slow-mo just to ensure nobody of fragile disposition is scared too badly as he cuts her throat with a shard of broken mirror. The police chief is still hanging out at the school for no adequately explained reason. Cut to the windowless fan of fatass manlet elvis impersonator who after making passionate love to the 30 year old highschool student he seduced earlier announces he has to go take a shit which only makes her fall in love with him more.....ok we sure Weinstein didnt write this one too? (double checks wikipedia) ok no....moving on. Killer takes the opportunity to stalk the two as they then move three meters to the left to fuck in a slightly different locale before deciding to go back to the van immediately. Guess the director changed his mind on where he wanted the kill to happen.
Cue the killer who just yanks open the door to neckstab her with another shard of glass in the most prancy femmy fucking way imaginable. Fatass Manlet Elvis Impersonator sends him flying with a single punch and tries to drive away only for the killer to jump inside the fan as a rather amusing scene ensues of him driving in a circle for like three minutes as he and the killer flail at eachother, before the killer teleports out and....ok he just drove off a cliff and his van fucking exploded. Well that just happened I guess. Red Herring No.1 is still sweeping shit up, and has started drinking which I think is an excellent idea so I shall now pause writing to pour myself some buffalo trace. The revenge plot of Designated bitch girl still has not happened and she and Red Herrings No. 3/4/5 are just sorta hanging around. Oh I guess she is gonna get killed off now. Killer tries and fails multiple times to hit her with a fire axe as he chases her through the now randomly empty school despite the prom happening in the same dang building which showed it to be packed full of 30 year old students but whatever, we are getting some attempt at spooky here. Eventually...after what feels like 10 minutes of a chase scene she hides in a random car which is in the shop class and...wait no she loosely whacks him with a broom which sends him flying like five feet and the chase scene resumes. She eventually runs into a storeroom and hides until she sees a body, screams and runs into the killer again who finally plants an axe in her skull....offscreen.
10 Minutes left and oh Nonce Red Herring has been apprehended offscreen, thus resolving that non-existent subplot, allowing the police chief to shack up with Red Herring no.1 and after some implied offscreen unlubed sodomy and recripical blumpkin giving (ok i may be imagining things....I just want this shit to stop sucking) Mr Herring informs him that theres a killer on the loose, causing the police chief to lead him away for yet more assfucking in the cuck shed. Oh and I guess in these last few minutes Red Herrings no. 3/4/5 are gonna pull their scuffed carrie prom prank...which is just jumping Jamie Lee's boyfriend and stealing his prom crown. Anyway the killer sees the main red herring of the three wearing said crown from behind....I dont even fucking know at this point the movie has like 8 minutes left....and bonks him hard enough for his head to fall off and roll out into the crowd who all fucking cheese it....slowly....a light jog more than anything....leaving Jaimie Lee to rescue her boyfriend as the killer prances menacingly at them once again. 5 minutes left and in a brave moment of realism, the femmy ass killer is quickly overpowered and disarmed despite having an axe by an unarmed woman and a wimpy guy with concussion. The two excuses for men wrassle on the ground while Jamie Lee patiently waits for an opportunity to bonk the killer with the axe from the sidelines which she takes and realises its actually her brother...somehow. Killer stumbles away despite taking an axe to the brain and has flashbacks of the opening scene....including moments he was not even there for....and dies in front of the crowd as he whines about how he saw them kill his tard sister and....ok well thats the movie ended. Thank fuck for that.
Characters: Nielsen and Curtis do what they can with their feeble parts, which sadly aint much. Guess fatass manlet elvis impersonator in the windowless van had some charm to him, but otherwise the characters barely even existed
Scares: Fucking yawn. Zero tension despite multiple attempts to build it up and when the scares hit they hit with all the force of a wet herring. Fish. Fish fish. Fish fish fish fish fish. Scariest moment was probably the aformentioned liminal places shots of the school because fuck my ass this shit was not even slightly spooky.
Kills: Straight up pathetic. Two sloppy cut/stab throat deaths, one off screen axe death, and one mid tier on-screen decapitation. Best kill probably the random scene where fatass manlet elvis impersonator randomly drives off a cliff and explodes which atleast was slightly entertaining.
Final Verdict: It is better than the remake I ranted about before....somewhat....and thats about the only positive. This shit was a fucking joyless slog from start to finish and there was nothing of value beyond the blonde chick's ass flashing. I would not suggest it be watched for any reason whatsoever unless you really fuckin like that particular ass.
Would I watch again?: Yeah no fucking way i'm watching this again. How on earth the remake managed to be substantially worse is a goddamn mystery in need of scientific study.
Well that was miserable....but then I saw precisely zero fucking recommendations for this movie while searching and only chose it due to my own personal demons with the remake so I got exactly what I fucking deserved. All that remains now is to finish my bourbon and prepare for tomorrow
For after the recurring fish motifs I have filled my rundown with I feel its only fitting that tomorrow I go swimming..... in A BAY OF BLOOD
