Confessions IRL - of varying degrees of seriousness

[LonesomeDud]

Big or small, tell me one.

I have one: When I was in school I rented room and had a TV with cable in my room. I have always had issues with sleep, so I would wake up, and watch TV. I used to wake up, get really stoned, watch Merry Melodies, and think what I thought were really deep thoughts about life. I don't think it was that significant or life-changing. It's just a thing I used to do, which is why I never told another human being about it, until I told the internet today.

 

[sedoL]

Nice try satan

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

I stole a five pound bag of feta cheese from the place I worked in college.

 

[I hate women (like you)]

in islam it is a sin to talk about sins that you have repented for, and I think that that's a good principle to have as a christian, just to nip any pietism in the bud

 

[BirdUp]

I filleted my dick once.

 

[Nicholas II of Russia]

If you want to do confessions like that, go to a church and do penance for everything you regret.

 

[666NASTYFUCKINGFREAK666]

A few months ago I was at work and nobody was really in at the time. We all have the same model of desk so I went around and got all the keys that were sticking out of all the drawers to the desks and stuck them all in different keyholes so nobody had the right key to their desk.

 

[Baumstriezel]

One time in middle school I had a cold. During recess, I sneezed, and a massive wad of pure slime shot at match speed from my nostril onto the floor beneath my desk. I didn’t even have the time to reach for tissues before a kid from another class, who was playing with a friend, crawled under my desk and put his full open palm in the middle of the snot puddle.
I swear to God there was an audible squelch.
He just looked at his hand, made a face and speed-crawled away. This all happened in the span of about two seconds. As far as I know, the kid never set foot in our class again.
There we go. I’ve lived with this secret for long enough.

 

[Pierre D'Olnique]

I stole a Lego brick in kindergarten. Never gave it back and was legitimately wondering if somebody would notice it being gone.

 

[NoodleFucker3000]

I have nothing. I really need to start sinning more.

 

[Obstacle]

I am as blameless as an infant.
What's that?
I'm a black-hearted petty vandal, with a twisted little head full of revenge?
Nonsense; your windows exploded in the night all on their own.

 

[YouDoNotHaveTheRight]

I did your mom OP

 

[TapewormSalesman]

When I was a little shit I really loved frogs and wanted one as a pet. So I would catch frogs and carry them around, trying to convince mother dearest that I need to bring them in the house. One time, however, I guess I did it for too long, or my hands were too warm, and the poor frog went and died. When I realized, I was completely crushed, both with guilt and the fact that I've just committed murder. So I went to the field and hid the body in the grass and for months would freeze in fear whenever someone went close to the spot, thinking that my heinous crime was about to be discovered.
I am so sorry. Mr Frogge

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

I have nothing. I really need to start sinning more.

Steal some cheese. The best part is if you're worried about getting caught you can eat the evidence.

 

[Asian tech support]

I painted my office green over the winter holiday last year and no one has noticed or at least hasn't said anything. It is in the back of the building and no one comes back unless they need something though.

 

[Judas Connor Moon]

I confess my love for dykes...DYKKESSSS! CHINAA!! I'M STRAIGHT!! WHEN I SEE A DICK... I LOOK AWAY WITH A MOMENT OF BEING FREAKED OUT!!!

 

[Liquid denim]

An ex girlfriend used to buy all my clothes. She got the sizes right, but she had shit fashion. I hated wearing the clothes she bought, I would do it to make her happy. Once we broke up I gave everything, not over hard feelings, but because of the goofy-ass clothes

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

One time, my wife asked me if she had food in her teeth. She did, but I said no.

 

[sedoL]

Fine, here goes:
Back when i was like 16 i used to call gay faggots on csgo retarts. Some danish whore called me out for being stupid not knowing how to spell the word and went on a tyrade how people from my country go to his country to steal bikes and shit. I called him racist and retarted.
Am still a bit embarrassed about calling him racist cause i'm not actually polish.

 

[Cat tit bingo]

Like many white men I suffer from yellow fever.