- Joined
- Oct 20, 2019
I'll try not to simply repeat things that have already said but the barebones of my view I'll need to include.
The brain is a learning machine and whilst it's able and inclined to try new things, especially in the teen years, it is also inclined to repeat previous behaviours in the absence of negative outcomes. And whilst one might correctly think seeking out an abusive partner (for example) is a negative outcome, the point of childhood trauma is that it wasn't at the time the pattern formed. Being struck felt safer than waiting for the blow to fall - it meant it was over and your abuser was calm for a while. People seek out the familiar, even if the familiar is horrible because the brain has learned this is a pattern that works and is therefore safer than an untested pattern.
If you're familiar with the concept of local maxima and minima, this has some relevance. A local maxima is not the highest point, it's the highest point you can get to without first going down. Like a hill next to a slightly higher hill. A robot, or a human brain, programmed to go to the highest point by just always going upwards, will get stuck on the smaller hill if it's the first hill it encounters. That's not a wholly bad analogy for childhood trauma - you learn a solution but because of your early circumstances, it's not the best solution, and not the one others around you have learned who were placed at the foot of the better hill. Someone earlier used the analogy of a high rise building where you might be able to reinforce the upper floors and make them nice, but you're having to do a lot of work due to the fact the ground floor is unsound. A lot of abuse victims manage to build those upper floors, make a facade if you will, that lets them function and seems normal, but behind that facade is damage. For example, some of the more gifted abuse survivors can seem very socially capable and yet if you take the time to look at their life in detail you realise how very lonely they are. It's not uncommon at all, in fact. The facade is very well made, but there's still damage behind it. The hill they have climbed gives them a good view and works for many circumstances, but it's a dead end and they'll never be able to reach the actual height they want to - healthy relationships, self-respect, whatever it is they're missing.
Well, they'll never be able to reach those heights until they first recognize the hill they've climbed is a bad one and are willing to come down and start on the right one. To ditch the metaphors about local maxima, that means unpicking the patterns they've developed and building new ones.
And this can be done. One thing I did disagree when reading many good posts in this thread, is the notion that once you pass 25 they're locked in. That's not only something I know for a fact not to be true, I really don't want someone reading it and believing they're doomed. It's true that maybe your trauma will always be with you to an extent, but the brain is always a little plastic and strategies can always be learned - and unlearned.
But it is hard. At any age. To really unpick childhood trauma and re-learn healthier patterns takes active work. Body exercises, mental discipline, spotting triggers for certain thought loops and actively rejecting them when they happen. It's possible - the key is to do it every day.
You also need to accept responsibility. Trauma can give you an excuse, it can become a crutch. For all that the poster talking about Libya earlier misses a lot of the point imo (which is that someone traumatised by a war zone is learning adaptive habits appropriate for a war zone and then will struggle to function normally outside of one), you can't let your trauma be a reason for negative behaviour. At one point in my early twenties I decided "everything is my responsibility". I rejected the idea that my behaviour was the result of previous experiences in life and decided that everything was my choice. Now of course there's an element of fiction in that. I could and do look back at my life sometimes and say "if this had been different" and can recognise how things have shaped my behaviour. But what I can also say is that functionally, my life only started getting better when I decided that. No excuses. Not because they might not be valid, but because they do not help.
It is possible to get past your childhood trauma. Partly through unpicking it and it no longer being as strong a force. Partly through learning coping strategies. The most important thing to realise is that the past isn't a physical place, it exists as patterns in our minds. With active work, mental and physical and a combination of both, it can be undone and become a memory not a part of you. The degree of success may vary but it can always be improved. And contrary to the comments about the brain being done at 25 I've personally found much progress over 30 and onwards. We are our own authors and we don't have to put the pen down until we think we're done or we're dead. As long as you live, you can still rewrite who we are.
The brain is a learning machine and whilst it's able and inclined to try new things, especially in the teen years, it is also inclined to repeat previous behaviours in the absence of negative outcomes. And whilst one might correctly think seeking out an abusive partner (for example) is a negative outcome, the point of childhood trauma is that it wasn't at the time the pattern formed. Being struck felt safer than waiting for the blow to fall - it meant it was over and your abuser was calm for a while. People seek out the familiar, even if the familiar is horrible because the brain has learned this is a pattern that works and is therefore safer than an untested pattern.
If you're familiar with the concept of local maxima and minima, this has some relevance. A local maxima is not the highest point, it's the highest point you can get to without first going down. Like a hill next to a slightly higher hill. A robot, or a human brain, programmed to go to the highest point by just always going upwards, will get stuck on the smaller hill if it's the first hill it encounters. That's not a wholly bad analogy for childhood trauma - you learn a solution but because of your early circumstances, it's not the best solution, and not the one others around you have learned who were placed at the foot of the better hill. Someone earlier used the analogy of a high rise building where you might be able to reinforce the upper floors and make them nice, but you're having to do a lot of work due to the fact the ground floor is unsound. A lot of abuse victims manage to build those upper floors, make a facade if you will, that lets them function and seems normal, but behind that facade is damage. For example, some of the more gifted abuse survivors can seem very socially capable and yet if you take the time to look at their life in detail you realise how very lonely they are. It's not uncommon at all, in fact. The facade is very well made, but there's still damage behind it. The hill they have climbed gives them a good view and works for many circumstances, but it's a dead end and they'll never be able to reach the actual height they want to - healthy relationships, self-respect, whatever it is they're missing.
Well, they'll never be able to reach those heights until they first recognize the hill they've climbed is a bad one and are willing to come down and start on the right one. To ditch the metaphors about local maxima, that means unpicking the patterns they've developed and building new ones.
And this can be done. One thing I did disagree when reading many good posts in this thread, is the notion that once you pass 25 they're locked in. That's not only something I know for a fact not to be true, I really don't want someone reading it and believing they're doomed. It's true that maybe your trauma will always be with you to an extent, but the brain is always a little plastic and strategies can always be learned - and unlearned.
But it is hard. At any age. To really unpick childhood trauma and re-learn healthier patterns takes active work. Body exercises, mental discipline, spotting triggers for certain thought loops and actively rejecting them when they happen. It's possible - the key is to do it every day.
You also need to accept responsibility. Trauma can give you an excuse, it can become a crutch. For all that the poster talking about Libya earlier misses a lot of the point imo (which is that someone traumatised by a war zone is learning adaptive habits appropriate for a war zone and then will struggle to function normally outside of one), you can't let your trauma be a reason for negative behaviour. At one point in my early twenties I decided "everything is my responsibility". I rejected the idea that my behaviour was the result of previous experiences in life and decided that everything was my choice. Now of course there's an element of fiction in that. I could and do look back at my life sometimes and say "if this had been different" and can recognise how things have shaped my behaviour. But what I can also say is that functionally, my life only started getting better when I decided that. No excuses. Not because they might not be valid, but because they do not help.
It is possible to get past your childhood trauma. Partly through unpicking it and it no longer being as strong a force. Partly through learning coping strategies. The most important thing to realise is that the past isn't a physical place, it exists as patterns in our minds. With active work, mental and physical and a combination of both, it can be undone and become a memory not a part of you. The degree of success may vary but it can always be improved. And contrary to the comments about the brain being done at 25 I've personally found much progress over 30 and onwards. We are our own authors and we don't have to put the pen down until we think we're done or we're dead. As long as you live, you can still rewrite who we are.
