Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Angry New Ager]

she seems to be in a hurry to get rid of her couch. Wonder if she found a place or is going to couch surf, since Jolene lives in SF with her boyfriend

Her "iconic green couch," mass produced from the cheapest glued MDF, covered in polyester velvet, and shipped in boxes for easy, at-home assembly, which has been subjected to all the strain and extra wear imposed by her deathfatness? Only somebody who dreams about sniffing the trapped farts in the cushions is going to think that's iconic.

I'll bet, like her wedding boots, it's still available new, but she's going to charge what a new one would cost.

 

[Dr. Butt]

wedding boots

Who is she, Granny Clampett??

 

[Angry New Ager]

Who is she, Granny Clampett??

Granny Clampett was a fine, upstanding hillbilly woman.

Tess is just straight-up trash who thought wearing shorty American flag-themed Western boots to get married in a Las Vegas wedding chapel was cute and stylish.

Yeah, I get the whole rockabilly-cowpunk-vintage country star kind of look she was going for, but when you're as fat as she was even then, it just looks tacky.

Anyway, after Nick fucked off back to Oz, she had those boots listed on her DePop page for ages at full retail price, because they were her wedding boots, and she thought that ought to mean something to anybody but her. Narcissists, man.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

Granny Clampett was a fine, upstanding hillbilly woman.

Tess is just straight-up trash who thought wearing shorty American flag-themed Western boots to get married in a Las Vegas wedding chapel was cute and stylish.

Yeah, I get the whole rockabilly-cowpunk-vintage country star kind of look she was going for, but when you're as fat as she was even then, it just looks tacky.

Anyway, after Nick fucked off back to Oz, she had those boots listed on her DePop page for ages at full retail price, because they were her wedding boots, and she thought that ought to mean something to anybody but her. Narcissists, man.

If I remember correctly, she was selling them for 200 dollars MORE than what they sold for brand new on the website

 

[Gay Mouth]

If I remember correctly, she was selling them for 200 dollars MORE than what they sold for brand new on the website

200 charge for Tess Holliday's wedding foot fungus, a once in a lifetime deal

 

[RainbowStarlight]

Oh man, some of you guys are suggesting she get an education or training, perhaps as a CNA. I'd love to see that, Tess working as an aide in a retirement home. Those 90 year old ladies are BRUTAL towards fat people, they're about to die so they don't bother with a filter. And don't get me started on how some of the memory care residents would react to such a scene.

I don't want to PL but I've had my share of jobs within a retirement home and if you're fat as fuck you're gonna have a bad time. I'd pay to watch that.

 

[Umaibae]

Murietta and Temecula are decent-but bland. The homes are pretty but cookie cutter and the burbs are big. It’s one of those places that even if you live there you need a GPS to get home since neighborhoods and homes are identical.

Homeless tents and shanties are taking over all of California, even in wealthy areas-nobody will do anything about it.

People actually in the business but not A listers live in places like Culver City, which is near Beverly Hills, Bel Air and Calabasas. But once somebody really makes it in the entertainment business, they may keep a home in California but it’s not their primary residence. Taxes are high so they buy a luxury house in a better state and fly in when necessary to work or entertain.

Even with a homeless guy shitting out of his tent on your front yard, a 1500 square foot house is going to cost $450,000, not that she’s looking to buy. I don't know what Tess makes but it’s likely another apartment for her, and I’m guessing Inland Empire.

I just wonder why she has to move?

lmao Culver City is not near Calabasas. Culver City borders the 10. Calabasas is in the West Valley. It is maybe an hour or more from Culver City. Culver City is by Playa Vista and Palms, and it’s closer to Venice and Santa Monica than Beverly Hills. (I used to work in Culver City for many years.)

Anyway, part of me thinks Tess might end up in Simi Valley or somewhere like Porter Ranch. It’s cheaper than Long Beach for sure. Otherwise the IE or somewhere like Fullerton or La Mirada is definitely where she’s going. I don’t even think she could afford Santa Ana or Fountain Valley/Westminster. If she was smart, she could have gotten a place in, like, Whittier years ago before interest rates and housing costs shot up. Hell, even LBC was affordable up until about 2018.

There’s always the possibility she goes to a place like Pomona or Redlands. I knew some former LA punks who fucked off to Redlands to run a vintage shop and have a kid. They now live in Ojai, so they clearly did well for themselves. Redlands is kind of picking up with the 30-something hipsters. A few people I knew also went to Arrowhead. But, Tess is too broke for that.

 

[Clotso Coof]

Tess still has a recognizable name there's no reason she couldn't be on QVC flogging some tents for beautiful big women to wear.

That would have been a good career move for her if she wasn't so insufferable. But she can't even do a sit down podcast without being lazy and aggravating.

she worked as a receptionist in a dental office for $25k/year, which is about the best job she could hope for as a morbidly obese high school dropout who can't stand up for eight hours.

She must be a decent driver, since she doesn't have DUIs, seems to maintain a drivers license and doesn't wreck her car every year. Driving a school bus would probably be her most lucrative career option.

 

[multiverse]

she seems to be in a hurry to get rid of her couch. Wonder if she found a place or is going to couch surf, since Jolene lives in SF with her boyfriend

Lol, her crappy overpriced shit couch purchased for her by an old sugar daddy must go? Her new place has to be a big downgrade; I'm assuming she doesn't have room for a giant sectional sofa wherever she's headed.

Jolene lives in Oakland with her long term boyfriend, so there's no couch surfing with her for ol' Ryann. But if Jolene is Facebook apartment hunting on her behalf, I'm sure Tess has asked more than once if she and Bowie can "come visit" Jolene "for a little while" when the Long Beach apartment is vacated. That turned into them invading Jolene's place for over a year the last time she gave in to Tessie's begging.

Tess probably can't afford the required first month/last month/+deposit nut required for securing rentals in California, and is avoiding making plans to move because it's stressful. This is how she and her kids ended up homeless last time.

She'd better start scouring Craigslist and Zillow ASAP for affordable options. She and Rylee shared a one bedroom apartment for many years, and it looks like this is the way she's headed once more.

 

[Angry New Ager]

I'm assuming she doesn't have room for a giant sectional sofa wherever she's headed.

That, or she's showing a remarkable bit of common sense by not paying moving and/or storage fees for a giant sectional fast-furniture couch that has seen better days.

Tess probably can't afford the required first month/last month/+deposit nut required for securing rentals in California, and is avoiding making plans to move because it's stressful. This is how she and her kids ended up homeless last time.

Even if she can get the money together and qualifies to rent a place, the rental market in major West Coast cities is fucking brutal. I know people with great credit scores, who make good money, and have never been evicted—the kinds of tenants who used to have lots of options—who still struggled to get a new place because the rental market is so competitive in any halfway-decent area.

Being limited to a specific area so your kid can stay at a good school is a huge issue, as well. To stay in close proximity of Long Beach, so Bowie can remain in his new school, is probably going to mean downsizing to a one bedroom and living in a much less-desirable building. And even then it's going to be a struggle to find a place.

Tess is an idiot and I don't care about her, but I do feel bad for Bowie, because I think this is the first in what will be a long string of moves into increasingly worse apartments. He deserves stability, but with Tess as a mother he's never going to get it.

 

[JuniperFalls]

She must be a decent driver, since she doesn't have DUIs, seems to maintain a drivers license and doesn't wreck her car every year. Driving a school bus would probably be her most lucrative career option.

School bus drivers probably have to be able to pass drug tests. Tess would not willingly give up weed.

 

[The Taco Santo!]

Laurel is experiencing a bit of a resurgence due to being the location of some popular HGTV show. It would be far less expensive and nicer than anywhere semi desirable in SoCal at any rate.

There are some beautiful early 20th century homes. It's quiet and neighborly. Tess just doesn't want to run into anyone she went to school with. Plus, that would be tantamount to admitting that the dream is dead. Which it is, and has been, but Tess has never been about admitting unpleasant realities to herself or others.

 

[multiverse]

the rental market in major West Coast cities is fucking brutal

If she found a place that cost less than $10k on move in, it would take a miracle for her to be accepted. She has no pay stubs. Her credit rating has to be in the shitter, what with credit card debt. I also suspect she didn't know how to save for and pay quarterly taxes in the three years or so when her income was coming in thick and fast and un-deducted. We don't know if her last two apartments ended in eviction proceedings, which would certainly affect a new apartment search badly.

No one wants this type of renter, especially in a major coastal California city. She's too high a risk of non-payment. I suspect the Long Beach Apartments lease was signed for by a, uh, sponsor. And that sponsor has been long gone.

Renting a house or cottage somewhere in a small, charming southern town would be her best bet of she was able to fix the joint up herself and make content out of it. Returning to her roots, getting by in a small town, featuring local characters: this would be a great second act if she wasn't so lazy and basic. And too fat to function.

 

[The Hardest R]

Anyway, part of me thinks Tess might end up in Simi Valley or somewhere like Porter Ranch.

I think anything north of Los Angeles and west of Interstate 5/405 is going to be off limits to Tess. I think her fate is to moving to increasingly more remote desert towns while still pretending to be in the LA metro area. I’m sure there are some in Twentynine Palms who think they’re in the LA metro.

But if Jolene is Facebook apartment hunting on her behalf, I'm sure Tess has asked more than once if she and Bowie can "come visit" Jolene "for a little while" when the Long Beach apartment is vacated.

I think that’s the case. Jolene is offering to help because there’s no way in hell she’s going to let Tess crash at her place again, which is likely the prime reason she moved to Oakland to begin with. What happened to all the hot queers who were once a part of this polycule family that got featured in various media a couple years ago? Surely they got a couple spare bedrooms for their family.

 

[Umaibae]

She’s truly dumb if she’d move to the IE or high desert before Simi Valley. You can get to the Westside pretty quickly from Simi, and the Valley is like 20 mins away.

Something like Palmdale would mean 2.5 hours to LA proper.

 

[NoReturn]

I don't know why she made this

 

[12345]

Tess broke Chikara Transformations:

 

[TrainWreckSpotter]

She's sitting down with other fatties, holding court, and is by far the fattest of them all. Iola is right. She's Amber-level fat (or at least Chantal-level fat).

 

[katiB]

The size of her arms and wrists in that Chakra video is beyond bizarr!

 

[Free the Pedos]

I’m sure there are some in Twentynine Palms who think they’re in the LA metro.

Tess dependa arc incoming? I think that would fit her personality and girth perfectly.