I settled into my cozy nest, my feathers ruffled from a long day of foraging for milk. As I settled in, my Kiwi grand-daughter snuggled up next to me, "Tell me a story, Grandpa Kiwi," she said, her eyes shining with excitement.
I cleared my throat and began. "In a far-off land, a sad pug named Balldo lived in a house with his human family. But Balldo was different from the other pugs. He longed for adventure and freedom."
Balldo's family had moved to Minnesota, where the snowy wastes stretched as far as the eye could see. One day, while exploring the bathroom, the only room he'd ever known, Balldo slipped through a window and found himself lost in the frozen wilderness.
As he wandered, Balldo stumbled upon a group of kiwi birds, shivering and weak from residual HIV virus that permeated the wastes. They had wandered away from their forest home, searching for stories to tell their fellow kiwis, and now they were struggling to survive.
Balldo's heart went out to the birds. He remembered the stories his family had told him about how the Kiwis were awful nerds, unable to get laid. But these Kiwis didn't seem like nerds to him. So, he used his keen sense of smell to sniff out a nearby town and made his way to the local pharmacy.
With his little pug legs moving as fast as they could, Balldo navigated the snowy streets until he reached the pharmacy. He pushed open the door with his nose and made a beeline for the counter.
The pharmacist, a kind old slobbermutt with a silly fake mustache named Joshua Monson, was surprised to see a pug in his store. But Balldo didn't care. He barked loudly until the pharmacist understood what he wanted: a package of food and medicine for the kiwi birds.
The pharmacist laughed and handed Balldo a small bag. "You're a brave little fellow, aren't you?" he said. "Take this to the birds and tell them I said Sneed."
Balldo returned to the kiwi birds, who were overjoyed to see him. He handed them the package, and they devoured the food and medicine gratefully. Slowly but surely, they began to recover from their ordeal.
As the days passed, Balldo visited the kiwi birds every day, bringing them food and medicine. The birds grew stronger, and soon they were able to trot back to their forest home.
The kiwi birds never forgot Balldo's kindness. They told their friends and family about the brave pug who had saved them from the snowy wastes. And from that day on, Balldo was known as a hero among the kiwi birds.
As I finished my story, the child looked up at me with wide eyes. "But Grandpa Kiwi, what happened to Balldo the Pug!?"
I stifled a frown and feigned a smile. "He went back to his family. And lived... happily ever after..."
