/horror/ general megathread - Let's talk about movies and shit.

[PS1gamenwatch]

The short story is fantastic. But nothing they added for the movie improved upon it at all.

The idea they're making a sequel film is embarrassing. Apparently it has something to do with the stupid masks?

What? They're not gonna make the masks be possessed by the killer's ghost are they?

 

[Hazel Motes]

Nikyatu Jusu—who directed the overcooked 2022 folk-horror tale “Nanny”—is working on a new version of David Cronenberg’s “The Fly,” via Deadline. Jusu’s film will be “set in the universe of [Cronenberg’s] film,” and won’t be a straight remake. Jusu will direct and pen the script.

Deadline suggests that Jusu’s “The Fly” is being sped up due to a renewed interest in body horror—courtesy of this year’s “The Substance.” A few years ago, we had learned that Nusu was also going to direct a “Night of the Living Dead” sequel — though there’s been no recent update on that project.

LOL wut

https://www.worldofreel.com/blog/2024/11/4/the-fly-remakereboot-in-the-works-nikyatu-jusu-set-to-direct

 

[BrunoMattei]

LOL wut

https://www.worldofreel.com/blog/2024/11/4/the-fly-remakereboot-in-the-works-nikyatu-jusu-set-to-direct

I saw that earlier. It could maaaaayyyyybbbbbeeeee work if it's like that Fly sequel comic that follows The Fly part 2 where the son of Seth Brundle is in a facility where a corpo performs fly experiments on the inmates. It echoes The Curse of the Fly which I've always admired the concept behind it but wanted to see a better execution of.

Somehow, I doubt this reboot will do that concept justice.

 

[I.B. Niggin]

LOL wut

https://www.worldofreel.com/blog/2024/11/4/the-fly-remakereboot-in-the-works-nikyatu-jusu-set-to-direct

Just looking at the director and I already know this is going to be a piece of shit.

 

[frozen_runner]

What? They're not gonna make the masks be possessed by the killer's ghost are they?

Oh no... that has to be what they're going to do.

Again, the short story is taut and simple, which is very effective. None of this added "movie lore" is interesting, nor will it be effective.

 

[John.Doe]

Oh no... that has to be what they're going to do.

Again, the short story is taut and simple, which is very effective. None of this added "movie lore" is interesting, nor will it be effective.

King's son inherited his father's inability to write full length novels. Both of them should stick to the short story format, novellas at most, since that is where their talents lie.

 

[frozen_runner]

King's son inherited his father's inability to write full length novels. Both of them should stick to the short story format, novellas at most, since that is where their talents lie.

I don't know about that. I think King has written some very strong novels.

But he is much better at short stories, I agree. I have never read anything longer by Hill.

 

[John.Doe]

I think King has written some very strong novels.

He has a huge problem with padding, stupid endings, and unnecessary explanations that deflate the good points of his books. Think back to his strongest books, and ask yourself - 'is this really one novel or just several short stories glued together by a thin narrative' and marvel at how he manages to cloak anthology collections as a novel. Its why short stories are his best, King can come up with good concepts and the limitations of length don't let him weigh those strong concepts down with a bunch of stupid bullshit.

 

[Tor Lugosi]

The Creep Tapes, a TV series continuation of the Creep movies starts this month. Didn't even know it was a thing until recently. I thought the first film was okay but thought the second one was bland (more of the same of the first one but minus much of the tension since you know what to expect now). I'll give the the TV series a shot but my expectations are low.

 

[Judge Holden]

View attachment 6498858

I should probably get round to watching Black Christmas like I said I would two and a a half....huh how fitting given the meme....weeks ago, before we straight up reach Christmas and I have to find excuses not to follow up on my christmas horror marathon

Ok nipping this shit in the bud now and finally finishing my slasher marathon before we roll around to actual fuckin christmas.

Premise: As christmas rolls around, a bunch of sorority sisters start getting creeper calls from an unknown person and are slowly picked off one by one in their sorority house. I still have no idea how this turned into "Jordan Peterson uses evil science to control a gamergate fraternity to subjugate strong and stunningly bravely diverse women" in the re-remake.

Execution: Cold open on the exterior of a big house lit up with christmas lights while we get silent night sung as the soundtrack.....ok this is unironically christmassy. I probably should have delayed this till christmas but anyway. Random girl walks in as we follow a slasher perspective cam with heavy breathing in a pretty decently atmospheric shot as the soundtrack becomes spoopier. Mystery creeper guy skulks around the house before climbing up to the roof while those inside HOLY SHIT FUCK THAT 70S HAIR....sorry, got double barrel 70s jew-fros and it unsettled me. Creeper creeps into the creepy attic and makes his way into the upper floor. Its well done, especially given how early this movie came in the slasher game but it kinda seems like they are blowing this particular load a little early as these shots feel like they could be a hell of a lot more effective in the midpoint or after.

Anyway a kinda canadian sounding chick gets a call and declares its "the moaner" again which grabs the sorority sisters' attention as they all rush to listen to him....well.....yeah thats straight up coom gurgling there. Plus what sounds like a duck being molested. They try to laugh it off but are obviously freaked out by it until seeming main character chick...think her name is Barb shittalks him back until he hangs up. Ya know that was actually a kind of effective scene. Barb casually proceeds to drop a rape joke, upsetting the other girls including one who goes away to pack. Cue middle aged Housemother they all love arriving and we cut to the girl who went to pack who is busy playing with her big hairy pussy.


Unfortunately she is not alone in the room, as there is something lurking in her closet behind what I think is a plastic dress cover, causing her big hairy pussy to start freaking out. We get a classic "asking who's there while slowly walking towards the killer" scene which considering its probably one of the OGs was done surprisingly well, and the killer jumps her and begins strangling her with the plastic. Back downstairs and Housemother is being fawned over by the other girls while the killer takes Victim #1's body to the attic. The structure is really quite strange for a slasher given how it hits the ground killing so fast and so well.

Kinda Canadian sounding chick gets a call from hilariously suspicious sounding boyfriend....ok I gotta google what the hell species this chick is, this accent is all over the atlantic....huh. British/Argentine. Also she's called Jess which is easier to type than Kinda Canadian sounding chick. Housemother is ripshit drunk and brushing her teeth, casually fishes another bottle of boose out the toilet tank and I am starting to see why the chicks in the movie love her so much. Jess goes to find dead chick and we abruptly cut to said dead chick's face still mummified in plastic as her corpse is sat in a rocking chair while "the moaner" sings a creepy song and we cut to the next day. For a first act/preamble that was surprisingly good.

Dead Chick's dad is waiting for her outside some church/college building and is pointed to the sorority house by a refugee from the mid 60s. Housemother tries to help him only to get him whine at her for a poster of an old lady flipping him the bird and how sinful everything looks in a diabolically canadian accent while Housemother tries to cover up a nude poster to prevent another whineout and....huh its night outside again. While she rants to herself and drinks she hears the big hairy pussy from earlier, and while calling for him manages to again mortify Dead Chick's dad by calling the cat a prick. As they leave the killer watches them from next to dead chick's chair.

Jess now declares she is preggo to equally mid atlantic accented boyfriend who looks kinda like Malcolm MacDowell. She wants to abort it which her red herring boyfriend does not approve but the two agree to talk later. At a nearby frat house Barb is busy seducing a 9 year old boy and getting him drunk while Dead Chick's Daddy finishes talking to his wife on the phone. Jess gets another call from the moaner and starts babbling about "agnes" and "billy", while at the police station Barb has momentarily paused in her casual act of child grooming to help Dead Chick's Daddy file a report, the officer taking the time to tell him she is probably getting deep dicked in a cabin, and eventually Barb begins sexually harassing him too. Jess stops by a hockey rink to find Dead Chick's Boyfriend who says he hasnt seen her either, and cut to Red Herring who is fucking torturing a piano while sobbing like a crazy person.

Half an hour in and shit is going pretty well so far. At the police station a middle school kid's mom is filing a report as he kids gone missing now and the cop could not give less of a shit. Back at the house and Dead Chick's Daddy is being waited on by Housemother while barb drunkenly babbles about sex addict turtles to him. Gotta be honest here, the awkward comedy isnt exactly badly done here but it feels like the movie is almost trying too hard. Eventually she snaps and starts freaking out, and is told to go to bed. Red Herring is now physically destroying his piano with a giant lump of metal. Jess and Dead Chick's boyfriend arrive home and team up with Dead Chick's Daddy and Jew-Fro chick to assist with a search for dead chick/middle schooler. Back at the house and someones creepin outside....again.

Meanwhile Housemother is drunk again and packing, while upstairs her big hairy pussy has found the corpse which is being a little overshown if i'm honest, but it kinda gets away with it because the lighting and positioning are freaky as hell. Hearing her big hairy fish smelling pussy Housemother slowly heads up to the attic, and upon seeing the corpse the killer uses a convinient crane hook to impale her head...which she is a little vocal about given the whole "spike through brain" thing. Upon seeing the taxi Housemother called leave the killer begins straight up chimping out like CWC which kinda takes some of the menace away. Back with the search party they eventually find the now ex-middle schooler whose body is apparently pretty badly mangled or she was just hilariously ugly in life enough to make the searchers freak out on seeing her.

Returning home Jess gets another call from the killer who loudly cooms and babbles on the phone at her while she says "stop this" in the tenor of an english nanny finding little timmy shitting in the kettle again. While she calls the cops to report the creeper calls, Red Herring ambushes her from behind, having been upstairs for unspecified yet implicitly suspicious reasons. Cue a mix of her bitching at the retarded cop and her relationship melodrama. Red Herring declares to jess they are getting married and they engage in further relationship melodrama until thankfully we cut to the cops. Retard cop is being called out by his boss for being a retard as the others head home, while Red Herring is throwing a tantrum because his gal pal is breaking up with him and still wants to deletus the fetus. I would feel more pity were he not a creepy autist wearing the worst turtle neck of the 70s. After unsubtly threatening her he leaves, running into jew-fro who brought two of the cops with her to investimagate.

Cops tap the phoneline and leave a guy outside to keep watch, while red herring skulks outside. Jew-fro chick is starting to realise what kind of movie she is in and breaks down in tears before heading off to bed. We hit the 1 hour mark and the cops are setting up their phone tapping system on their side aaaaaand cut back to dead chick in plastic who is still being rocked in the chair by the killer. I get its a good kill and all but they are getting a lil fixated on it. The killer now creeps down to....huh I forgot that barb chick was in bed. She's having an asthma attack in her sleep and babbles to jess about having a nightmare about a stranger in her room before Jess leaves to have carols inflicted on her by canadian children, allowing the killer the chance to ice barb with a unicorn figurine while babbling to himself.

After the annoying kids leave Jess gets another call, and we get a kinda cool scene of the cop in the phone company operating centre trying to physically find the connection during the call, however the killer hangs up before they can find it. The cop immidiately suspects red herring but is then distracted by a canadian redneck being brought in for shooting a cop in the ass. Back home and Jess suspects Red Herring too because the killer repeated something in the call that he said. Red Herring then gives her a call to whine about their relationship again before hanging up, thus causing the cop to call back in and voice his suspicions while the killer skulks in the background.

While the cop chases the red herring lead, Jess and Jew-Fro chick are alone in the house. Jew-Fro goes to Barb's room to check if she's ok and the door closes shut behind her so....yeah she ded. I am also noticing that all the door opening/closing sounds are the same stock sounds from video games. The phone rings again and it seems the killer has, much like myself, been reading the fatrick thread because he immidiately starts babbling about "you pig, you bitch pig" while the cop once again goes through the operating centre and finally finds the connection and.... *drumroll*.......THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!

Head cop tries to call the cop watching the house as the camera pans over the now very very murdered cop and tells retard cop to call Jess and get her out the house without telling her the killer is there.....which naturally he fucks up. Not wanting to abandon her already dead friends Jess begins freaking out and arms herself with a fire poker before heading upstairs. Huh only 13 minutes left....gone pretty quickly all things considered. Upstairs she finds Barb's room locked, but using her 40lb weight she manages to knock through the door and sees the corpses of her friends. Hearing a whisper she looks round and we get a pretty spooky shot of the killer's bugged out eye staring at her through the keyhole of the now open door. Slamming it back she legs it and we unfortunately get more of the killer's tard wailing which sadly deflates the tension as he straight up sounds like this

Instead of running out the front door she instead runs down to the basement locking herself in, and after pounding on the door for a while the killer seems to go outside. Cue red herring creeping round to the basement windows calling for Jess before eventually just smashing through....ok sure he may be a red herring for the murders in general but he sure as shit was planning something nasty for Jess given him breaking in and overtly trying to jump her when she is clearly terrified of him, so its not exactly unpleasant when the cops roll up and we find she has smashed his skull in. Because the cops are just that fucking retarded they decide to dose her up on some sedatives and tuck her into bed....her own bed because instead of taking her to the hospital or whatnot they just decided to leave her in the murder house and all fuck off without even searching the place properly. Up in the unsearched attic, still containing the corpses of first dead chick and housemother, the killer starts singing his creepy creeper song again, and as the camera pans out the window we hear the phone start to ring again as the movie ends.

Characters: Aggressive canadianism aside, the characters were perfectly workable though not exactly outstanding in any way. Lead character was a decent prototype for the boilerplate slasher protagonist, and the killer's schtick was memorable though it did occasionally become a lil goofy, although I will qualify this as being due in part to my repeat exposure to loud screaming tards thanks to being here on the farms. Best Character was housemother

Scares: Atmosphere was pretty great the whole while, and the underlying tension was maintained well throughout. The calls wound up spoopier than they had any right to be and the scenes of the killer stalking through the house set, itself a very good set, were executed well. Spoopiest scene was probably the first time we saw dead chick wrapped in plastic, which is probably why its what was used on all the marketing.

Kills: Effective enough but kinda lacking in execution, though this can be forgiven for being uncharted ground to a large extent. Best was probably the first kill too.

Final Verdict: I can easily see why this movie inspired so many others. Even if it is a somewhat uneven movie with a questionable structure and some unpolished kills/scares, this is still an extremely effective horror movie in general and slasher movie in particular. All the ingredients are here, albeit scrambled, and the atmosphere was extremely well executed throughout.

Would I Watch Again?: Yeah I would. Its an unironically good slasher movie and an exceptional christmas horror movie

EDIT: after much consideration and having realised that between this belated finale to slasher week and my Friday 13th marathon I am pretty much spent on slashers for the time being, my next marathon will be of the Zombi "series" given I already dun reviewed Zombi 7: Monster Hunter/Absurd. However because I am both autistic and want to cap off this fucking slog with something I know I will enjoy, it will be done in reverse.

As some may be aware, this schizophrenic fucking mess of an alleged series has a solid dozen different entries that dont even have fucking zombies in them and many if not most of them were never actually released under the "Zombi" name but were retroactively declared to have been released as such in fucking bulgaria or the peoples republic of tuva by annoying internet retards. Thus I will take a rather liberal approach and just treat any wop/largely wop movie on the big wiki list for the series that has zombies or near enough zombies in it as "part" of the series and was filmed after Zombi 2, even if only to allow me to check out some vaguely obscure wop schlock horror I aint seen before.

Zombi 6: Dawn of the Mummy - actually kinda wanted to check this one out for a longass while but never got round to it
Zombi 6: Oasis of the Zombies - dithered on whether to hold off on this and just watch with the other late 70s/early 80s nazi zombie flicks but that shit can wait
Zombi 5: Hell of the Living Dead - im gonna have to swallow my disinterest in mattei and soldier through this. If memory serves its kinda short which is a plus
Zombi 5: Killing Birds - I vaguely remember hearing there is only like one or two zombies in this one
Zombi 4: After Death - yeah I have no clue of anything about this one
Zombi 4: Panic - a """zombie""" movie about freaky mutants, poster looks kinda cool
Zombi 3: Nightmare City - have actually watched this a couple times and it is not terrible although it is severely hampered by the makeup on the zombies
Zombi 3: Burial Ground - oh...fuck im gonna be drinking heavily during this one
Zombi 3: Zombie Holocaust - I want that Juicy Shaq Meat
Zombi 3: The Actual Zombi 3 - I aint seen this in like 13 years, i suspect it will be goofy
Zombi 2: The Actual Zombi 2 - The light at the end of what will likely be a very underwhelming tunnel

 

[Pitbull Victim]

the Zombi "series"

A running theme with a bunch of these is weirdo, possibly retarded person Claudio Fragasso being involved in some fashion:

Zombi 4: After Death

Fragasso directed this one and it is unsurprisingly pretty incoherent and no one understands the ending.

Zombi 5: Hell of the Living Dead

I really don't what else to say about this one.

Zombi 5: Killing Birds

If I remember right, not a single zombie shows up until after the one hour point in this one and no one gets killed by a bird in a movie called Killing Birds. Feels like it was written by Claudio Fragasso because it makes no fucking sense; Claudio Fragasso also claims credit for it:

Zombi 3: The Actual Zombi 3

Maybe the best thing Fragasso was involved with because Lucio Fulci tried to fix his dumbass script:



Have Fun!

 

[Shining Wit]

So I watched Heretic, going in mostly blind. I enjoyed it but thats because I enjoy people rambling about theology. It also forgot to put any scares in unfortunately

 

[BrunoMattei]

A running theme with a bunch of these is weirdo, possibly retarded person Claudio Fragasso being involved in some fashion:

I loved how Fulci talked shit about him in an interview where he goes "So, they replaced me with this guy who used to paint houses."

 

[Judge Holden]

Alrighty, since its a nice quiet day with nothing else really happening I will start off with the top of the list. Zombi 6: Dawn of the Mummy which fortunately enough is on youtube. Not gonna go nearly as indepth with my picking apart so consider this a bite sized general vibe rundown.

Premise: Erm....tomb gets broken into and zombie wannabe mummies rise up to kill nearby idiots

Execution: Intro has some passable period costumes and sets....shame its shot/acted so shit. Wonder how long we get to enjoy them before we cut to modern day urban setting. Vaguely member hearing the effects guy for Zombi 2 worked on this so hopefully I might get some decent gore.

Well this acting is pretty much exactly what I was warned about, the only character tolerable being the crazy old toothless witch who randomly shows up to scream about the curse.....christ this dubbing is bad.....and there we fucking go. New york present day....or not as we get the suspiciously common "fashion magazine sending out models and photographers" plot excuse to cut straight back to egypt.

Oh I guess the general story is that some tweaker looking american tomb robber and his homies have broken into the cursed tomb in the general vicinity of the models/photographers searching for the right ugly cliff face to use as a backdrop for decidedly mid late 70s tiddy pics which just so happens to be where the tomb is at. For some reason one of the tomb robbers decides to start sniping at the photo shoot until tweaker stops him and then the models/photographers all just decide to swarm into the tomb and randomly fucking commandeer the tomb robbing so they can shoot pictures of the models twerking over the embalmed corpse within. Tomb robbers decide to roll with it and continue looking for treasure.

The set lights magically resurrect the mummy who begins sharting into his bandages from the looks of it. One of the models accidentally spills a jar full of liver onto her hand which burns it like acid. Gotta say its nice they subverted muhspectations by keeping this shit in egypt and not relocating to new york after the intro. Back at the tomb one of the robbers is killed by a trap door bonking him in the noggin after having gotten overly fondly with the mummy to steal its golden sticks, and the next day the fashion crew return for yet another session of twerking over the mummy which finally wakes the guy up as they leave. Sadly the makeup is just that of a very sticky looking nigger rather than a monstrous embalmed corpse.

At the camp we get our first alleged gore by way of some blurry and shadowed horse entrails as the mummy decided his first order of business was getting revenge on horsekind before attending to the matter of tomb robbers or skanks invading his resting place. One of the robbers....maybe the dead one from earlier is also there and his face is all melted and...ok now he dead. Despite workplace injuries, a disembowelled horse, and the dead guy the fashion crew's lead photographer furiously refuses to consider leaving because stupid. The dubbing is distractingly bad. For some reason the tweaker grave robber and random model are now passionately in love. Back at the tomb the witch is back and realising the mummy is back she begins randomly celebrating and we get our first awkward and abrupt cut to the full mummy costume and....yeah its ok from the neck down but the eyes just ruin it. She goes to cuddle the corpse who then strangles her because no reasons.

Outside we see totally-not-zombie mummies rise from the sand as the sun rises and its sadly a little blurry because that coulda been a cool shot if the guy running the camera was not some ragu brained wop. Back in the tomb and they are still shooting, one of the models gets lost....somehow and finds more tomb robber bodies. Back at camp its night again and a middle aged 70s porn star has arrived....sadly a guy one...who is tasked with grabbing weed from the local town. The model who burned her hand goes with him, and after retching at the taste of that stank Khufu Kush she sees tweaker tomb robber smuggling treasure back to his homie in town, and then sees the mummy who is just kinda hanging around the weed district I guess. Strangely nobody believes her and she is taken back to camp while the mummy randomly kills a butcher in a rather underwhelming gore moment.

Back at camp and the models want to go and swim.....in the fucking desert. Guess there's an oasis. Cue the weirdest swimming I ever saw and she gets jumped by a mummy who just kinda hobbles very slowly after her while she sprints in the opposite direction and then just gives up and stands there screaming her head off long enough for one of them to eventually bite her, at which point she takes off again and randomly stands in a patch of quicksand and is swallowed whole in like 2 seconds. Next day nobody heard her 10 minutes of screaming while being very slowly chased so they assume she fucked off to town to pick up jewellery and so she is effectively forgotten forevermore because they got generic dunes to shoot in. Back in town tweaker tomb robber finds the dead butcher and begins screaming and puking in a display of just diabolically bad acting and instantly knows it was the mummy....somehow.

Chewing his way through scenery back into the tomb he continues his freakout before some very questionable logic leads him to the treasure chamber, which straight up causes him to coom in his britches. Kinda seeing why this actor doesnt have a wikipedia page. Oh and then the mummy strangles him. Reaaaaaaally not impressing me on the gore today. 20 minutes till the end and some character we never saw is getting married in town and we get the traditional egyptian arabic marriage ceremony of a fat chick twerking down the street dressed like Divine from Pink Flamingos. That was just downright weird. The Fashion Crew lead discovers the dead tweaker and rushes back to camp just in time for the place to get swarmed by zo....mummies and he gets killed with some badly lit day-for-night gore along with interchangable model #4.

Back in town and the mummies are now attacking and...they really did get a lot of extras involved for such a meh set of scenes. Gore is continually hampered by crappy lighting, the mummies all look identical and are neither scary nor interesting, the music is meh and the acting is shit and the cinematography is just embarrassing. Suddenly all the mummies save the main one are just...gone and two of the models randomly have dynamite and start throwing it at him which doesnt work and he randomly vanishes.....no wait he was just hiding offscreen. Stupid happens and they set him on fire and he fucking dies and everyone celebrates and...... no wait he aint dead but who gives a shit END CREDITS.

Analysis: Yeah this movie was a pretty clear failure across the board. Gonna break shit down a bit more than my prior rundowns.

• Cinematography: Generally pretty bad, though occasionally rising to mediocre. Barely any use of camera angles/pans to amp up tension or scares and the lighting is fucking godawful both during night and day-for-night
• Soundtrack: Kinda forgettable but not exactly terrible. Overused when it really shouldnt be
• Effects: Disappointing as fuck even before you factor in how botched most of the kills are due to the lighting
• Acting: Incredibly fucking bad, with even the overactors being insufferable in how much they are mangling their shitty parts
• Story: Barely even exists. As shallow an excuse plot as it gets with it never going beyond the barest premise
• Characters: Only characters worth mention are tweaker tomb robber and crazy witch lady solely due to how hammy they are. Rest are entirely forgettable
• Innovation: Well I guess its pretty much the only "zombie mummy" hybrid movie of note so there's that
• Scares/Kills: There are neither scares nor kills of note. Atmosphere is entirely devoid of suspense or tension.

Conclusion: Well I guess I finally scratched the itch of seeing this movie and now i dont need to think about it ever again. Its not offensively bad but its just plain beige in its tedium and brings absolutely nothing to the table you couldnt get better in a hundred other shitty italian schlock fests.

 

[BrunoMattei]

When does he get Zombie 90.

 

[Judge Holden]

Alrighty, on to Zombi 6: Oasis of the Zombies....fuck I already hate the desert.

Premise: Nazi zombies in the desert who for some reason were carrying magic nazi treasure which turned them in to zombies. Cue treasure hunters stumbling across them and getting up to predictable shenanigans

Execution: Movie abruptly starts without much ceremony with run of the mill hot chicks randomly driving through the desert and finding the titular oasis. Wandering around for no reason they encounter the zombies aaaaaaaand the acting is once again terrible with the actresses looking like they are trying not to laugh when screaming in fear.....and cut to main credits. Guess that was just the prologue. Cut to some north african town where middle aged guy meets another middle aged guy to discuss finding the nazi gold. One of the two apparently intercepted the convoy carrying the gold and the other guy was apparently the commander of said nazis, who jabs the other guy with a poison needle the moment he finds out where he intercepted the convoy after a little unsubtle foreshadowing about the zombies before bugging out with his hot wife.

Now dead guy's son eventually shows up and reads his diary and we enter what I hope to be the only flashback sequence.....slash stock footage montage given how different half the shots are. Still the stock footage is kinda neat, though a lil confusing given how I recognise a bunch of the nazi vehicles as being british, particularly the backwards ass archer tank destroyer, and its hilariously obvious when they splice in shots of their flashback actor with it. Long and the short of it the guy and his nomad homies take out the nazis with him being the only survivor, eventually rescued by passing arabs whom he repays by dicking down the local arab sheik's daughter along with further foreshadowing about the nazi zombies. Shit happens, she dies in childbirth bring us to now where said child is narrating how his mommy got pegged to his friends.

His homies decide to head off to the oasis to claim the treasure, while Commandant Pornstache and his wife are already there, with a swastika marking the spot and....wait where did the chicks car from the prologue go?! Surely they didnt just crowbar them in the first 5 minutes to milk for ass shots for the marketing and forget all about them.....anyway two of Pornstache's workmen snoop around and randomly decide to start digging before being.....im not sure the cinematography is particularly bad here but i think they are being killed in some abstract fashion by the zombies which are....eh they aint terrible to look at aside from the halloween skeleton the actor has to actively assist in being made to strangle him. Kinda generic but not bad. After his wife is killed Pornstache drives off after taking a bite to the neck while his wife's corpse is stripped of clothes while the zombie actors awkwardly position themselves to hide the bags they are pulling offal out of next to her before they all stand up to show off the....kinda silly looking eye makeup they have now.


In some nondescript but suspiciously non-arab lookin town in which all the signage is in english or spanish and random extras are dressed in giant fuckin jawa robes....2 secs imma quickly google something....ok yeah this shit was filmed in the Canary Islands and they are just pretending its north africa. They double down on the pretending with a muslamic call to prayer scene in which some guy standing on a roof flails and gibbers at people below. They randomly befriend a pair of professors filming said call to prayer which means they and their hot blonde assistant are now conscripted to come and be eaten.....and right on cue they randomly are told about Pornstache who has made it back into town but is dying of his zombie bite and all rush over....despite no idea who he is or...fuck it not gonna dwell. Onwards and outwards. He is babbling about the zombies and wandering around a garden before he spasms into overhammed death while everyone just looks at him awkwardly like he is interrupting a funeral until he finally dies.

Local "arab" with an unfathomable afro casually lets them know he got bit by the zombies as the soundtrack devolves into a piano being thrown down some stairs. They all head off to the oasis, but not before the ostensive lead checks in with his granddaddy sheikh whose only sign of age is a horrifying moustache, and casually drops how his stepmom was barren and also was a good man....well that was fucking awkward, his friends decide to be massive dickbags but grandaddy sheikh still decides to help them find the oasis full of zombies who will slaughter them....ok I guess now that I type it, it makes sense why he would be happy to do this to these assholes. On the way there one of them is angry to see sand.....in a desert...before they quickly find the oasis and start ambling around the same set we have seen like a half dozen times already.

Ok apparently while I blinked the professors and hot blonde assistant showed up to the oasis ahead of them and one professor is now dead, the other is now mad and the chick is dying/undying or whatever.....wait she is fucking fine and only mildly annoyed the others dont buy she had a train run on her by rotting dead nazis offscreen. They all start casually digging in random patches of sand, including the chick who was just pegged half to death by Herr VorminMeineye, until day for sunset hits. Blonde chick has entirely forgotten about being half eaten by zombies and is now getting dicked by one of the random assholes in a tent and.....wow her nipples are scarily erect. Aint it the fucking desert? Oh and as....dawn? I guess dawn hits we start hearing a weird grinding noise, signalling the zombies to start climbing out the sand as the soundtrack now takes on the aspect of a blind cat sitting on a Cassio keyboard.....sadly this shot is not as good as Dawn of the Mummy's one so will have to give a point to the previous shitty desert zombie movie.

Random asshole I cant even begin to identify sees them and decides to run right into their arms to hasten his death as the cameraman has a series of elaborate strokes. The zombies all pose for the camera before slowly hobbling towards the camp....very slowly....oh and the cast can finally see them. Thankfully they parked the car right next to the camp and they rush over to it.....to fucking siphon out the gas. I wish I was fucking joking here. They decide that draining their perfectly functional car of fuel for molotov cocktails is how they are gonna handle the situation, and we get a couple minutes of awkward repeated zombie shots while they bitch about how the fuel is burning too slow while they siphon it out the engine and then just....fucking silence as the zombies seem to just be silently standing and watching them sabotage their car in confusion.

Eventually they get bored and resume their stumbling grabbing one of the blonde chick whose dubbing is just fucking astonishing and biting her....again before being dragged to safety when the mad professor tackles them....i think. Cinematography is really really bad so its hard to tell. Alleged hero guy starts throwing molotovs which seem to just create loud booms and blow zombies off their feet without any fire. Blonde chick and one or two....I forgot how many there are...of the others get killed and the gore is just fucking pathetic as its literally red fingerpaint on their skin where they get allegedly bit. Hero guy is now waving a slightly burny stick and pokes one of the zombies.....which fucking vaporises him instantly. He's literally just poking zombies and they instantly burn to death and does this like a dozen times and they are all dead now and he is suddenly cuddling sole surviving chick. Looking around he sees three more zombies who....yeah they just fucking vanish. As in they fade away on screen because...curse broken I guess? come to think of it was there even a fucking curse?

They pass out in the desert, are saved by grandaddy sheikh and the movie ends with the alleged hero stating "he found himself" thoughtfully....nigga you got all your fucking friends and some random people killed on a treasure hunt.....as his grandaddy looks on him proudly and they hightail it out of there.

Analysis: Utter clusterfuck. Not quite as beige tedious as Dawn of the Mummy but it was so ineptly made it beggars belief.

• Cinematography: Absolute fucking dumpsterfire, and hilariously fucking clumsy in every way imaginable. This works to deflate any vague attempt at scares or tension or....anything really. Sure the movie would not be anywhere near a good movie if it had competent camera work but this factor being as bad as it is
• Soundtrack: Pretty terrible and charmless, and lacking entirely in tension or life so its barely even worth mentioning beyond when it devolves to literal "animal on keyboard" quality
• Effects: Makeup on the zombies was ok, gore effects fucking embarrassing save pornstache's wife getting gutted which was still cheap and inept looking and atleast it was decently lit.
• Acting: Anaemic at best, 70s porn tier at worst, with occasional hammy highlights.
• Story: Well it actually exists unlike the previous one, and while its as generic as they come its nothing overtly obnoxious. The actual pacing/plotting of said story however is all over the fucking place
• Characters: Nobody memorable enough to remember the name of but atleast they can be vaguely differentiated which set it above Dawn of the Mummy. Sadly all are either assholes or idiots.
• Innovation: None I can think of beyond maybe desert nazi zombies....kind of a reach tbh
• Scares/Kills: Well....I guess Pornstache's wife's death had barely passable if clumsy effects. Not even the slightest hint of scares though and the rest of the kills are pretty fucking terrible.

Conclusion: The words of the review are "Clumsy" and "Inept" which sum up this movie pretty well. Unlike Dawn of the Mummy it didnt even scratch a "been wanting to see this for years" itch. It was the very definition of a waste of time.

 

[BrunoMattei]

Conclusion: The words of the review are "Clumsy" and "Inept" which sum up this movie pretty well. Unlike Dawn of the Mummy it didnt even scratch a "been wanting to see this for years" itch. It was the very definition of a waste of time.

It being directed by Jess Franco should have clued you in.

 

[Hamsteroid]

A new House of the Dead movie is coming... Directed by the retard behind the Resident Evil movies and the live-action Monster Hunter.

Yay, another "(My wife) Mila Jovovich kicks ass" movie. I think we should give Uwe Boll another chance. He'll make a good movie eventually, if only by chance. /sneed

Just watched the House of the Dead Director's Cut: Adding bloopers, wacky sound effects and snarky, self-aware commentary speech-bubbles is a weird choice. Dubbing the black chick with a dude (at least in the German version) and the following clip right at the beginning, were the only good additions.

 

[BrunoMattei]

Yay, another "(My wife) Mila Jovovich kicks ass" movie. I think we should give Uwe Boll another chance. He'll make a good movie eventually, if only by chance. /sneed

Just watched the House of the Dead Director's Cut: Adding bloopers, wacky sound effects and snarky, self-aware commentary speech-bubbles is a weird choice. Dubbing the black chick with a dude (at least in the German version) and the following clip right at the beginning, were the only good additions.

Arguably, Boll has made a couple of good films. There's Darfur and Tunnel Rats which have fans but didn't do much for me. Then there's Rampage -which I fucking love- and Assault on Wall Street and of course Postal. Boll is working on a Postal sequel right now.

 

[Vampirella]

Arguably, Boll has made a couple of good films. There's Darfur and Tunnel Rats which have fans but didn't do much for me. Then there's Rampage -which I fucking love- and Assault on Wall Street and of course Postal. Boll is working on a Postal sequel right now.

I think I have a high tolerance for bad films because Boll's films never really bothered me. I even like some of them. Postal the most.