12th Mar 2023 from
TwitLonger
Final Message
hi. If you’re reading this, I’ve already killed myself. I have given life every opportunity, I have given myself every chance to get better. But I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t strong enough, I don’t think there was a universe where I was ever strong enough to survive this.
Why?
Sometime in the summer, I was contacted by Michael Pocalyko (Cybersecurity guy) through an IRL friend who claimed he was a “fixer” and wanted to “fix” the issue that was between me and my parents. I thought this was impossible, I’m transgender and they are strict conservative Muslims, but I decided I would give it a shot because it can’t hurt right lmao?
Over the next couple of months, I had called Michael Pocalyko and his associate Ellen, these calls seemed innocuous and honestly pretty helpful. It was mainly questions about my safety and whether I had my needs met at the place I was staying at. Towards the end of my stay at my friends place, I had witnessed a traumatic event and was already in a bad place mentally, Michael took note of this and decided to push me to leave Georgia and move back to Virginia. Michael and Ellen, along with a Saudi lawyer named Bader met me at the train station. I was taken to a hotel and allowed to experience DC, I genuinely was optimistic and believed this could work. God I wish I wasn’t so fucking stupid.
At this point, the only person in that group that I was in contact with was Bader, the Saudi lawyer. Bader, throughout this entire time, in his weird way, tried to get me to detransition. First, he pampered me. He got me an apartment temporarily, he took me out to eat, he took me to therapists, but over time, the more conversations I had with him in person, the more I realized what he was trying to do. He tried to get me to be “normal.” Gave me examples of feminine men and said that they are transgender but they are hiding it, that it’s better to hide it. Told me stories personally about people he knew that successfully hid it. Repeated constantly that I can just hold 2 lives, the female me and the male me. Constantly said I looked like a man, always talked down on my appearance. Bought me masculine clothing and tried to throw away ALL of my feminine clothing. At every step of the way, he tried to detransition me. I had a breakdown over this and bombarded Michael Pocalyko and Ellen with texts about what was happening, they did not respond. I did not realize fast enough what was happening because I’m fucking stupid.
At a certain point, I realized I was entirely dependent on Bader for food and shelter, and that if I ran away, he could easily find my location, and since I was illegal, I would have just been deported to Saudi. I subconsciously gave up, I was too tired. I did everything he asked, I cut my hair, I stopped taking estrogen, I changed my wardrobe, I met my dad. And then I had another breakdown. My mom kept telling me to repent or I was going to hell, and I did, I repented. I believed I was going to hell so much that I read the entire Quran front to back in a couple of days, crying the entire fucking time about what a disgusting thing I am, and I didn’t sleep. I repented, and I was broken. Bader then booked a flight back to Saudi, and I came back.
The first month was fine, okay even. I was on edge the entire time, but I was treated like I was going to run at any second by my family, then came the second month. At this point, I was subjected to daily searches of my belongings, my mom searched all of my electronics whenever she got the chance. I was berated for being a freak when my mom found my private photos, my dad called me a failure and an abomination. I was told that Michael, Ellen, and Bader were actually all specifically hired to get me back and that there was no escape from my situation. I was destroyed, but I wanted to keep going.
After the first time they found my HRT, it was traumatizing, but I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to live if I couldn’t transition. Then the second time came. After that, I took a month break off of HRT, and got back on it. They have found my HRT again, and I am done fighting.
I wasn’t always a good or even decent person, at times I was a fucking asshole, and a disgusting human being. But there were times I feel like I was good. I don’t understand why I was given this life with these circumstances, every day hurts, every second stings. I have tried killing myself in the past, but every single time I was still holding on by a thread somewhere deep inside me, I think that’s why I survived them. This time, I am done. I am tired.
Message to the people I love.l:
To my friends, to the people I chose to be my family, to my girlfriend, to everyone who has shown me kindness in this life, I sincerely thank you. You made an unbearable existence bearable at times. I am deeply sorry I have disappointed you all, I wish things were different, I wish this message was a message about how I won, how I escaped and built a successful life. How I managed to get FFS, SRS, and beat my dysphoria. I wish I was speaking to you about how proud I am of myself to have done the impossible. But that’s not my reality.
I wish this world wasn’t so fucking comically cruel, I am actually laughing writing this sentence. It’s unironically ridiculous how bad my luck has been the past couple of weeks. Someone just walked past my car and glanced at me, I wonder if they know I’m gonna kill myself. I wonder what they would think about me if they knew who I actually was.
I wanted to be a leader for people like me, but that wasn’t written to happen. I hope that the world gets better for us. I hope our people get old. I hope we get to see our kids grow up to fight for us. I hope for trans rights world wide.
goodbye <3
