Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Darwin Watterson]

I saw a post way up the thread about Vice Principal Nero, and it got me thinking that Count Olaf himself is approaching lolcow territory. He's part of a failed acting troupe full of social rejects like himself including a man with hooks for hands and someone who splits their clothes right down the middle to dress equally male/female. He spends 13 books worth of time dressing up in different disguises following the Baudelaire orphans in an attempt to steal the fortune left by their parents. His first grand plan? Marry the eldest orphan, a fourteen-year-old girl, by staging a play about a marriage and casting an official justice of the peace. I'm sure there are many other notable examples, but it's been a while since I've read any Lemony Snicket.

My memory on that series isn't the best, but I do recall it being pretty heavily implied (if not outright stated) that Olaf had every intention of consummating that union as well.

The books also never hesitate to point out that Olaf has terrible hygiene.

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

My memory on that series isn't the best, but I do recall it being pretty heavily implied (if not outright stated) that Olaf had every intention of consummating that union as well.

The books also never hesitate to point out that Olaf has terrible hygiene.

He even went full trans-soul in one book!

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The Twilight Zone had a few lolcows. These are the two whom I can think of off the top of my head:

Spoiler: Peter Vollmer

From the episode, "He's Alive." He's a neo-Nazi who's pretty heavily implied to be doing the shtick solely because he's an edgelord who wants people to pay attention to him and listen to him.

He's portrayed in the episode as a pathetic failure whose only success comes from the influence of Hitler's ghost. He whines to his Jewish neighbor at the beginning of the episode after he gets his ass beat at a rally, and after he's started listening to Hitler and has managed to actually draw crowds, the same neighbor shows up and makes him look like an idiot in front of everybody.

At Hitler's suggestion, he goes to the neighbor's house to kill him. The scene still portrays Peter as a joke, and the other guy pretty easily breaks him down and lets him know in no uncertain terms that he's a failure at intimidation, even after Peter brandishes a gun. Peter brushes it off and shoots him, declaring that he's "made of steel."

Not long after that scene, we find out that this wasn't a metaphor. Peter really does believe that he's made of steel. The cops show up to arrest him for murder (unrelated to the Jewish man). Peter tries to run, but the cops stop him by shooting him. Peter looks at the blood on his hands and seems genuinely confused by the fact that, yes, bullets fucking hurt. "Something's terribly wrong here! I'm made out of steel!" he says as the episode ends.

Spoiler: Fitzgerald Fortune

From the episode, "A Piano in the House." Fortune is a critic who is shown throughout the episode to be a complete dick to everyone he meets. He buys a self-playing piano for his wife's birthday (specifically self-playing because it will "save her the time and expense of taking piano lessons only to find that she has no talent"). The piano turns out to be magic, and depending on the music it plays, causes certain people to reveal their inner selves.

Fortune shows off the piano in front of the guests at his wife's birthday party, and has a lot of fun causing them to make fools of themselves by revealing their true natures. Fortune laughs at all of them, while everyone else just feels uneasy. Having had enough of all his bullshit, Fortune's wife puts a music roll in the piano that causes Fortune to reveal that he's really just a spoiled manchild who bullies other people because he's jealous of their talent and ability to be happy. He admits to his wife that he isn't emotionally mature enough to return love, so he acts out like a child would. The guests all leave in disgust, including his wife. Fortune screams "IF YOU LEAVE, I'M GOING TO BE VERY NAUGHTY!" and then he chimps out and starts throwing a tantrum and destroying his furniture and decorations.

 

[Clovis]

http://m.imdb.com/title/tt2294965
The protagonist of the film Zero Charisma.

Arrogant NEET manchild neckbeard who takes his tabletop gaming far too seriously. Gets himself banned from game stores. Gets into slapfights with other geeks. Claims he wrote The Matrix...

Honestly it's like "Kiwi Farms: The Movie"

 

[CatParty]

https://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Brony-Unofficial-Friendship/dp/1634506766

Drew Morris doesn’t just feel like an outsider in his football-crazed Texas town—he actually is. He sucks at sports, even though his dad is the high school football coach. And his supposed “teen growth spurt” has yet to be seen, so he’s sure his freshman year will be filled with seniors stuffing him in lockers.

However, Drew is spared from the bullying he expects. Instead, a girl named Skye—who constantly dons horse ears and talks about My Little Pony—becomes everyone’s target. Drew feels bad for her, but he’s not about to stand up and take her place. At least not until he discovers what these My Little Ponies are all about.

Babysitting his younger sister one night, Drew is forced to watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Much to his surprise, he finds himself actually paying attention to the show . . . and maybe even wanting to watch another episode after his sister is in bed. As school drags on, lonely and boring, he keeps sneaking episodes on his tablet until he has watched every single one. Not only that, but he’s even started drawing the ponies in his spare time. He knows if anyone finds out how much he likes the show, he’ll be a dead man walking like Skye.

As it becomes harder to keep his secret while he has to watch Skye get bullied for the one thing that has made him happy all year, Drew faces some important choices. Read about Drew’s search for friends and self-acceptance in My Little Brony.

 

[Piga Dgrifm]

https://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Brony-Unofficial-Friendship/dp/1634506766

View attachment 174350

Drew Morris doesn’t just feel like an outsider in his football-crazed Texas town—he actually is. He sucks at sports, even though his dad is the high school football coach. And his supposed “teen growth spurt” has yet to be seen, so he’s sure his freshman year will be filled with seniors stuffing him in lockers.

However, Drew is spared from the bullying he expects. Instead, a girl named Skye—who constantly dons horse ears and talks about My Little Pony—becomes everyone’s target. Drew feels bad for her, but he’s not about to stand up and take her place. At least not until he discovers what these My Little Ponies are all about.

Babysitting his younger sister one night, Drew is forced to watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Much to his surprise, he finds himself actually paying attention to the show . . . and maybe even wanting to watch another episode after his sister is in bed. As school drags on, lonely and boring, he keeps sneaking episodes on his tablet until he has watched every single one. Not only that, but he’s even started drawing the ponies in his spare time. He knows if anyone finds out how much he likes the show, he’ll be a dead man walking like Skye.

As it becomes harder to keep his secret while he has to watch Skye get bullied for the one thing that has made him happy all year, Drew faces some important choices. Read about Drew’s search for friends and self-acceptance in My Little Brony.

And to think, I could have lived my whole life without knowing this exists.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

https://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Brony-Unofficial-Friendship/dp/1634506766

View attachment 174350

Drew Morris doesn’t just feel like an outsider in his football-crazed Texas town—he actually is. He sucks at sports, even though his dad is the high school football coach. And his supposed “teen growth spurt” has yet to be seen, so he’s sure his freshman year will be filled with seniors stuffing him in lockers.

However, Drew is spared from the bullying he expects. Instead, a girl named Skye—who constantly dons horse ears and talks about My Little Pony—becomes everyone’s target. Drew feels bad for her, but he’s not about to stand up and take her place. At least not until he discovers what these My Little Ponies are all about.

Babysitting his younger sister one night, Drew is forced to watch My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Much to his surprise, he finds himself actually paying attention to the show . . . and maybe even wanting to watch another episode after his sister is in bed. As school drags on, lonely and boring, he keeps sneaking episodes on his tablet until he has watched every single one. Not only that, but he’s even started drawing the ponies in his spare time. He knows if anyone finds out how much he likes the show, he’ll be a dead man walking like Skye.

As it becomes harder to keep his secret while he has to watch Skye get bullied for the one thing that has made him happy all year, Drew faces some important choices. Read about Drew’s search for friends and self-acceptance in My Little Brony.

This can be summed up simply by using an emote:

 

[linchan]

Does Kenny from Black Mirror count?

Spoiler: Shut up and dance spoiler

The guy was caught jerking off to CP, and then blackmailed to do awful shit in order to prevent from facing consequences, such as robbing a bank and straight up murder. The fact that he is a pedophile is fucked up, but how he was willing to rob to hide that makes him straight up unlikable. There is also the fact it was trolls that ruined his life is also adding to him being a Lolcow

And a lesser degree might be the protagonists in the Waldo Moment and The Entire History of you.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

For instance, Viserys Targaryen is a pathetic, pseudo-intimidating wannabee inheritor to the crown. He has incestuous tendencies with his sister, and thinks he should be the rightful ruler of Westeros, while he is in Essos.

Viserys is probably the biggest lolcow in the show (lolcow not horrorcow). I got the books for Christmas, and he seems like an even bigger lolcow in those. He's pretty much the same, but they give a lot more background info than I remember the show giving about him. He's got a very short temper, and he tries to make his chimpouts seem cooler than they really are by calling them "waking the dragon." Reminds me of Chris and his "curse-ye-ha-me-ha" shtick.

There's also the fact that he's pretty much a medieval version of Phil in that he has no fixed residence. Instead, he just squats in various noblemen's homes and mooches off of them, dragging Daenerys along with him. They never stay in one place for too long, either because Viserys' paranoia gets the better of him and he decides they need to move on, or because whomever their current host is has gotten sick of his shit and throws him out.

He also seems completely lacking in self-awareness. Aside from his delusion of being the rightful king of Westeros (which, to be fair, he'd been taught was his birthright), there's the episode where he threatens Daenerys with cutting her unborn baby out of her, then begging for her help moments later when the Dothraki gang up on him. This was during another one of his chimpouts, and him being a spoiled brat directly led to his death.

Unrelated, but in addition to Dale Gribble and Bill Dauterive, Peggy Hill from King of the Hill could probably be considered a lolcow. While Dale and Bill are the show's resident skitzocow and loveshy respectively, Peggy carves her own niche as a personification of "unwarranted self-importance."

 

[ZepFloyd94]

https://www.amazon.com/My-Little-Brony-Unofficial-Friendship/dp/1634506766

View attachment 174350

Did Andrew Dobson draw this cover? The little girl looks deformed.

 

[Antipathy]

And to think, I could have lived my whole life without knowing this exists.

You probably would have lived better that way...

Did Andrew Dobson draw this cover? The little girl looks deformed.

What would you expect? She lives with a brony.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

The title character from Xavier: Renegade Angel is a combination skitzo/horrorcow. He seems to think he's a profound wanderer who is walking the earth to find the meaning of life, but he could more accurately be described as an insane homeless freak who spouts pseudo-philosophical ramblings and unwittingly ruins peoples' lives or kills them in his attempts to "help."

 

[Koby_Fish]

@Sailor_Jupiter the name of the mad scientist was Uncle Andrew Ketterley in The Magician's Nephew. The entire Narnia series has several cows. Uncle Andrew dabbled in Magic and had delusions of grandeur, and ended up stumbling around like an idiot and muttering nonsense. Jadis/The White Witch was also a lolcow who was easily triggered.

Eustace Scrubb, the spergtastic cousin, started out as a Lolcow in Voyage of the Dawn Treader, but he got better.
The Headmistress at Eustace's school in The Silver Chair and the crybully students that sucked up to her were definitely proto-SJWs.
Shift, the ape in The Last Battle, was definitely a cow. Once he gains power by foisting a false Aslan on the Narnians, he becomes petty and allows his greedy nature to take over, and pretty soon he's not running the show anymore, a Calormene officer and a ginger cat are.

Aravis' friend Lasaraleen Tarkheena is a bit of a lolcow in The Horse and His Boy - she's constantly tittering or whining and sperging about pointless shit.

But the biggest lolcow of them all has to be Prince Rabadash AKA "Rabadash the Ridiculous" in The Horse And His Boy. Here is a man who was used to pulling the most ridiculous faces to terrify people, and not realizing that the only reason it worked back home is because he had the power to have them all executed. When it doesn't work in Archenland, he throws a huge spergfit. Aslan ends up turning him into a donkey because he's just that big of an ass. His own father was willing to throw him under the bus, but that was because Rabadash wanted to foolishly raid Narnia while the Nation of Calormen was at peace with Narnia, to take Queen Susan's hand in marriage by force like a loveshy. The Tisroc ("may he live forever") was all "Fuck it, I have 23 other sons, no big loss if this one bites it."


Wouldn't Transformers Generation 1 Cartoon Megatron/Galvatron be a sort of LOLcow, particularly Season 3 Galvatron? Either way, both were extremely unsuccessful most of the time, had half-baked (or in Galvatron's case, NO-baked) plans that went awry mostly due to his own spergy stubbornness, and would tard rage and blame others for his own failures -and even shoots or punches said others. Galvatron mercilessly abuses Cyclonus for even the most innocuous of suggestions and goes full tard rage on everyone from the Autobots to the Quintessons to the other Decepticons if he doesn't get his way. Even in the early seasons, Megatron would have been far more successful if he'd actually listened to Starscream occasionally - which is saying something if Starscream also qualifies as a LOLcow - which he pretty much can when he tard rage screeches and blames others for HIS own failures. Well, he learned how to do that from the master.

Transformers Energon Kicker, definite cow. Spoiled speshul snowflake brat.

 

[Daughter of Cernunnos]

Lestat from Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles chimps out a lot in entertaining ways and in later books especially does a ton of exceptional things, like laughing hysterically at the patterns of the carpet, trading his body for a human one and then hating it, wanting to become a saint etc. Louis de Lioncourt is a sperg. Armand is a horrorcow.

 

[Abethedemon]

Relating to Always Sunny, both Dennis and Mac are classic examples of Manosphere cows.
Mac is a traditionalist, hyper masculine catholic who tries to hide his homosexual urges, and Dennis is a failed PUA.
Mac would be right at home with the alt-right because he likes dickgirls/tradwives (Carmen) while still being against gay marriage.

 

[Koby_Fish]

there's two huge lolcows in the Little House on the Prairie series of books. The first is Nellie Oleson in On the Banks of Plum Creek. She's a spoiled rotten uppity "town girl" kid along with her bratty brother Willlie, who always wants her way or the highway. At school she ONLY wants to play "Ring-around-a-Rosie", and throws a huge spergfit tantrum when Laura and some of the other girls want to play "Uncle John" instead because they got tired of playing only "Ring-Around-A-Rosie". She also makes fun of Laura and Mary for being "country girls". It is strongly hinted that the Olesons don't have good control of either of their kids. Laura once went to Mr. Oleson's store with her Pa and saw Nellie and Willie eating candy out of barrels like two greedy piglets, and continued doing so despite their father telling them to stop. Laura took note that Nellie didn't offer her any.

Nellie doesn't get any better in "Little Town On The Prairie", evolving into a mean gossip that befriends and unlocks the lolcow capacity of the teacher, Eliza Jane Wilder, older bossy sister of Almanzo Wilder, Laura's eventual husband. Because of BS that Nellie made up, Eliza ends up doing some mean and petty shit, but ends up going full CwC when the students are fed up with her BS and Nellie herself unwittingly unleashes Eliza Jane's Powerword, which triggers her and renders her ineffective because of an old tease by children long ago, "Lazy, Lousy, 'Lizy Jane". This chant is resurrected for the lulz, and she's eventually removed as teacher because the entire school goes out of control, and replaced by a teacher who takes no shit.

 

[Hummingbird]

Elias in Clerks 2, ultra religious virgin dork obsessed with the transformers and lord of the rings who works at a fast food restaurant and is shit on by his co workers, and he jacks off to a donkey show.

Don't forget that he also fell for his girlfriend's "pussy troll" excuse.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Don't forget that he also fell for his girlfriend's "pussy troll" excuse.

See, I always interpreted that as an implication that his girlfriend was just as naive as he was. According to him, he'd have been able to fuck her on her 18th birthday when she'd have peed the supposed troll out of her body. The fact that he was given a specific date (whenever her birthday was) implied to me that she was willing, but naive and her parents didn't want her having sex until they believed she was ready.

 

[Caesare]

Daniel Larusso from the Karate Kid movies. He has no friends besides an elderly Japanese man who uses him for slave labor. He gets beat up constantly in the first movie. The first girl he dates breaks up with him immediately after he wins the tournament in the first movie in the opening scenes of he second movie for "some football player jock".

He follows Miyagi to Japan even though Miyagi didn't want him to, meets another young lady there who he tries to date. At the movies end she agrees to come to America with him. Things are starting to look up for Mr. Larusso finally.

Unfortunately, the third movie begins, he and Miyagi come back to America without Kumiko, his new Japanese girlfriend because she made up some fictitious "dancing school" in Tokyo that gave her an offer to be a student there. In reality, this was just an excuse to get away from Danielsan. Miyagi and Daniel return to their old apartment complex only to arrive just in time as the place is being torn down. Their elderly, senile neighbor rightfully calls the destruction of the apartments "progress" and aptly calls Danielsan and Miyagi, "the two clowns".

In the second film, Daniel and Miyagi hustle some American service men living at an American Army base in Okinawa and make a nice chunk of change which Miyagi insists Daniel use for his college education. What does Daniel do with the money when he gets back to America? He uses it to "rent" quite possibly the shittiest "shack" in all of California so that Miyagi can open his Bonzai Tree business instead of going to college.

Daniel meets yet another girl in the third film that he strikes out with, once again for the third time (notice a pattern). He asks her out on a date, she agrees, but waits to tell Daniel once he picks her up for the date that she has a boyfriend "back home" in the state that she is from. Instead of being dejected at yet another girl turning him down, Daniel excitedly agrees to go out with her anyway, stating "Oh, we can go dutch!!" So not only does Daniel mix with women as well as oil mixes with water, he is also a cheapskate, unwilling to pay for an outing with a friend. What a guy! And this is supposed to be the films hero.

Oh, I forgot to mention. Daniel was a beanpole in the first two films, skinny as all hell. In the third movie, Daniel appears to have put on at least 45 pounds, which all went to his hips and ass. Needless to say, it isn't very flattering.

When Mike Barnes, "Karate's Badboy" challenges Daniel to his All Valley title, he asks Miyagi to help him train. Now, Miyagi has already protected Daniel, trained him in the two previous movies, given him a place to live, and saved his life on at least two occassions. But on this one occassion, due to Miyagi's morals, he refuses to train Daniel. Extremely angered by this, Daniel yells at his only friend and treats him with contempt, just because Miyagi's morals prevent him from doing this.

Then the tournament rolls around and Daniel gets his ass handed to him. The only way he wins is due to cheating by using Kata, which is specifically against the rules in the All Valley Karate Tournament. Of course the referee lets it go since he is the one that wrote the inflammatory tabloid about "Karate's Badboy" Mike Barnes.

I can think of no greater Lolcow than Daniel LaRusso in an 80s movie.

To shed some further light on the issue, please refer to these Youtube videos. They are highly informative as well as hilarious. They reveal the truth of the Karate Kid movies and pay tribute to the real heroes of the film, The Cobra Kai, led by Sensei John Kreese: The Greatest Karate Man I have ever known, as well as another great Karate Student, War Hero, Industrialist, Philanthropist, Mentor, Teacher, and President of Dynatox Industries, Terry Silver.

Part One

Spoiler

Part Two

Spoiler

Part Three

Spoiler

 

[Hummingbird]

Joy from My Name is Earl: A white trash woman with delusions of grandeur, got Earl drunk enough to marry her while she was pregnant and tried to kill him to get his lotto winnings, especially in the first season she could get pretty ruthless and scheming (though it often backfired on her) and she sometimes said bigoted things to Catalina ("I'm sorry, I don't speak maid"). Granted she sincerely loves her second husband and her sons and she got better after the second season.

Adachi (Persona 4) is a definite horrorcow. At first you're convinced he's just some nice, adorkable type that tries his best despite the set backs in his life (I have a soft spot for these kinds of characters) only to realize its an act. Deep down he's a bitter, loveshy sociopath who only joined the police force because he can legally use a gun. He will commit murder on women who reject him and built up a faux-Nietzsche idealism where he wanted a world of freedom, but in reality he wanted a world with no repercussion for his actions. Once his cover is blown, he stays pretty much unhinged.