And gave me more than I could EVER ask for. Everything I lost was so toxic. The week before last I had food poisoning for 3 days, threw up on all my bedding and towels and had to throw them away, whilst someone stole my hygiene bag knowing I was sick.This week I've been really beating myself up about not seeing "family" this year....how I had to ask my mom if she was going to visit (would have been just sitting in her car for a few minutes talking)
I was set on a false mindset of "I have to only express positivey or I'll receive negativity" and y'all that fucked me up SO bad. As a transwoman life is FUCKING TOUGH. I have every right to express my angst, anger, frustration, sadness as long as I'm not hurting anyone! Which I'd never do anyway, so after that realization I started
authentically expressing my personal emotions. To save a long story about existential crisis's & the cult called Christianity.. I did a lot of self work and I've just been
Yesterday I died my hair black. I used to LOVE it black however my natural hair is also extremely beautiful.. I just felt too "preppy" with most of my current clothes (I was very much an alt person while cosplaying as boy)
When I finished my hair I cried for almost two hours, full on autistic meltdown. I thought my beauty was gone. I thought I didn't look feminine anymore. Dysphoria hit me SO HARD. I coped by documenting it on tiktok. I wanted to still lighten my ends and do them red as planned, and as I was in the bathroom getting ready I realized how much of a BADDIE I look like! So FIERCE! My beauty was still there however I could not recognize it, dyeing hair as girl makes you feel like a completely different person!! I fell so in love. I took a picture that made me think "I look kinda boyish in this.. but a really hot boy though.." and all of a sudden it hit me.
I was putting SO much emphasis on "passing" and looking like a cis woman to feel valid to others. Essentially having to hide my transgenderness from strangers to feel worth. There is a level of shame with that, I finally recognize. I validate MYSELF. I am NOT cis. I am trans, and my own unique person. And hunnies, trans is BEAUTIUL!
My queer best friend texted me last night asking if I wanted to chill with him on Christmas,.as he hates the idea of me being all alone there. That did so much for me. I'm not seeing my mom now. I only ever asked her bc I was sad and lonely. But through it all I've learned what real love is, how to love myself that way and act with compassion to everyone around me INCLUDING myself too. As well as way more other topics.
It's Christmas eve and I'm totally content spending it making tiktoks (editing is so for stress relieving to me and this morning I notified I DON'T LOOK DEAD BEHIND MY EYES ANYMORE. I'm glowing with no makeup or morning shave! I love myself for being trans and beautiful. I love how loving myself increases my love for others. I love how I have absolutely no fear in how I'll react to things as I finally know what my genuine self feels like. I love how I treat people. I love compassion. I love fierceness. I love my amazing 9inch dildo that feels so real. I LOVE tiktok it helps me journal and doing it in the shelter being my spastic self in front of everyone has taught me confidence and really makes time pass!
Everything is just.. love
I love all of you sisters, sending it your way through these holidays,
)
