(using a throwaway for anonymity) Somewhat of a complicated situation here, and I want to upfront acknowledge my wrongdoing in looking at something private that I shouldn't have looked at - my curiosity and insecurity got the better of me in that moment, and now I'm suffering the consequences. I realize I did this to myself.
My (41 FTM) computer died right before going into a meeting last week and my gf (35 cis f) of 2.5 years loaned me her spare laptop that she hardly uses until mine is repaired/replaced. When I opened it, there was a Word Doc right there open and I saw that the first few sentences were about her difficulties with our sex life. I made the terrible decision to keep reading. She must've been using it to journal her thoughts at the moment and forgot about it because she rarely uses this computer.
Before dating me, she had only ever been with cis men. To my face, she has only ever been enthusiastic and complementary of my downstairs situation, and while we can't have PIV sex and don't always use prosthetics, I thought that we had an active, mutually satisfying sex life with lots of orgasms on both sides. She has never expressed dissatisfaction with it, and has described her sexual relationships with cis men as disappointing because they cared less about her pleasure. She initiates relatively often and always gets off.
Well, what I read pretty directly contradicts a lot of what she's told me, and I don't know what to do with it. Basically, she wrote that she feels grossed out by my genitals sometimes, especially when I get excited and become really wet. She also sometimes fantasizes about being with cis men again, and sometimes wonders about breaking up. She wrote that she wants to feel more passion driving her love for me because our relationship is so good, but something holds her back from feeling that, and that makes her feel uncertain about a future together. There are family/cultural factors as well that play into this, and her family have been disapproving of our relationship which has been a challenge that prevents her from feeling confident in it. The document was dated a couple of weeks ago, so these are recent feelings.
Now I don't know what to do with this information and this problem that I've created for myself. She can tell that I'm feeling distant and withdrawn, and I've expressed that I'm working through some feelings of insecurity about my body and our relationship without telling her about what I saw. She has been reassuring and affirmed wanting to be with me in response. I don't want to tell her what I saw - at least not yet, but I don't know how to approach a conversation about this without melting down. She is a very gentle person and is often hesitant to bring things up which might hurt another person, so I fear she has been experiencing these feelings all along and telling me the complete opposite in an effort to spare my feelings, but really I just feel like I've been strung along, with my precious time being wasted because I'm on the older side and am ready to settle down into a committed relationship.
It's also hard to know how seriously to take these raw, unfiltered thoughts that were never meant for my eyes - are these just fleeting, intrusive dark thoughts? Should I just pull the plug now knowing that if she's not thrilled with my body as it is, then it's time for me to move on, full-stop? Has anyone else been able to work through something similar?
Before this happened, I was planning on committing to her forever - I thought I had hit the jackpot in this relationship. Any advice is appreciated, but please be gentle - I'm already beating myself up enough for reading something I shouldn't have. FAFO and all.
I even had to break up with my gf because she believes being nonbinary isn’t right. The point is, a lot of people are trying to change me even though I have the right to identify as whatever the heck I please. What should I do? I’m past my breaking point, guys. Help me out here please.
