AITAH for not giving my trans daughter my mother's ring? (
self.AITAH)
submitted 5 hours ago * by
anon-jewelry
I posted this on amitheasshole and they removed it because one of the mods really thinks I'm an asshole. I have added a few more details in here that people asked about before it was removed. I haven't removed anything. A few people said that if this is me trying to sound like I'm not an asshole, then I must be a huge asshole in real life. This is me being as real about these things as I can.
I (M52) have two children we'll call Bob (M26) and Meg (F22). Meg was born male but began to transition to female a year ago.
My dad gave my mom a very large and expensive diamond ring for their 30th wedding anniversary, and when she died in 2009, her will stated that everything went to my dad except that ring, which is to pass on to the next born female in our family. I only have one sibling, a brother, and like me he didn't have a daughter, so we just figured one of us would eventually have a grand daughter and she would get the ring. The ring was last appraised in 2004 for 1.2M. I do not know what it's worth now.
Meg and I have always had a contentious relationship. She was always having problems in school, always causing problems at with her mom and brother, wouldn't listen to anyone, had never held a job for more than a few weeks, has been arrested for shop lifting... just been a tough kid to raise.
She still lives with us and we're basically still paying for everything.
A few weeks ago she said that she wants my mother's ring. I thought she was kidding, but when I said no and kind of laughed about it she exploded and called me all kinds of names and threw food all over the kitchen before storming out. I wanted to change the locks while she was gone, but I calmed down because I know that would probably lead too a bad outcome. My wife initially agreed with me, but has now started to think that Meg should get the ring. I am absolutely not going to give her the ring, and here is why:
1) It would fracture my relationship with my brother.
2) I am not 100% sure that Meg didn't transition specifically to get this ring. She has said several times that we're dumb not to sell it. A lot of people really took issue with this, and it's the reason my post was deleted. While it is very extreme to transition just to get a ring, children have murdered their parents for less money. Meg has already asked her grandparents and us for her share of inheritnace. I hate the thought of it too, and I hope it's not true.
3) Even though this wasn't an issue my mother ever thought about, I am positive that she wouldn't want a trans female to have the ring. She wanted the ring to be passed down from daughter to daughter so that no one could ever lose it in a divorce. Currently my daughter dates women, which could lead to the exact problem my mom wanted to avoid.
4) Someone mentioned she could detransition after getting the ring. I hadn't even thought of that.
Even though I'm not happy about it, I am willing to accept my daughter as she is, and I try my best to not dead name her, and use the right pronouns. A lot of people said a lot of hateful things about me being transphobic, and if that's how you feel, consider that I still support her, she's on my insurance, and I pay for her medication that insurance doesn't. It's been hard on the whole family and we're all doing the best we can. Her doctor said that being trans gendered may be the reason she struggled so much growing up, and at the end of the day I just want my kids to be healthy and happy. I don't feel like I'm being an asshole here, but with my wife starting to question the situation, I thought maybe I'd get some outside perspectives.
***A couple of additions since people are asking
The ring is in a safety deposit box in another city. Meg doesn't even know who to contact in order to see if she'd be eligible for the ring. In that sense I am stopping her getting the ring.
I am not sure what the exact wording of the will is, but it's a legal document and very specific about how the ring should transfer.
If one of us has a cis granddaughter that isn't responsible and would want to sell the ring, I would do all I could to stop the transfer, but unless there are stipulations in the will for that, which there might be, I would really have no choice.
I have not told Meg that I suspect she transitioned just to get the ring. I was talking to my wife about it because so many people have mentioned how crazy that is, and it doesn't seem crazy to me, and my wife verbalized it better that I did. She's always treated us, but especially me, like a resource, not like family.
