Considering throwing in the towel
Share Experience
Hello All,
This is my first ever post here. I have gotten a lot of encouragement from following you all for awhile. I am just looking for a friendly ear as I don't really have anyone to talk to at this time.
I am 40 mtf and one month into hrt and I am questioning is it really worth it. I am married with 4 young kids. I am leaving an amazing job to start a new job in a new state. Through the (work) transition I will be staying with extended family, but away from my wife and kids. Since I am changing states, I've also had to find a new counselor and wait for the new insurance to kick in.
My wife of 12 years is not accepting and I come from a very conservative family and community. If I were to come out I would get a lot of backlash from family and friends, and have to fight to maintain my relationship with my kids. I decided to start medical transition during the few months apart to see if HRT is right for me before opening up myself to the confrontation that would come from coming out.
I have had a desire to be a girl/woman for as long as I can remember. When I was little the desire wasn't very strong. More just random thoughts and curiosity. When I hit puberty the desires strengthened and became the focus of my sexual fantasies. The shame also grew and I fought hard to hide these feelings. I can't really say that I have ever felt dysphoric. I have battled an endless cycle of binge-depression-purge-deny-repeat with the depression getting worse over the years. I can't help but feel like I don't really have gender dysphoria, and this is just a sex thing (AGP?). I also didn't know what else to try to end the worsening cycle of depression.
Now a month in, with my reduced sex drive (which is most welcome) my desire to continue is also greatly reduced. It has left me wondering is this just a sexual fantasy I am trying to live out? (leaving me feeling extremely guilty) Or am I just at the "purge" phase of my cycle and I need to just push through to break out of this cycle? Is this worth losing my wife, kids, friends and potentially my career?
Thanks for listening if you made it this far. Any thoughts are welcome.
Blessings