Are you lost needing femoid advice post here - For the poor bastard's who dare or are just curious

[Ravier Xavenblood]

I'd be upset too if I'd get called a whore... I'd suggest you get drinking under controll first before judging. I don't say it's excusable what she did, but it seems not only she has baggage she is carrying around.

Easier said than done. I won't go into too much details but my life is barely holding together as it is right now. And yes, I have plenty of baggage like mistrust of women.

 

[A Cat in a Minefield]

Easier said than done. I won't go into too much details but my life is barely holding together as it is right now. And yes, I have plenty of baggage like mistrust of women.

If you are at that point in your life I'd suggest dropping intimate relationships and working on yourself, before becoming an integral part of someone else's live. How is that fair for your significant other? And if you two are not stable, how come you have the right to criticize her?

And the baggage I was talking about was not you having mistrust in women, but drinking presumably alone through a sixpack. You sound a bit like a pouting child, crossing their arms and saying it's all because of the mistrust you have for women. The main concern of yours is YOUR life and getting things straightened out first of all. Maybe you'll find someone that's not a NEET once you got your things sorted out.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

If you are at that point in your life I'd suggest dropping intimate relationships and working on yourself, before becoming an integral part of someone else's live. How is that fair for your significant other? And if you two are not stable, how come you have the right to criticize her?

Because I'm more of a functional adult than she is. I was completely on my own when I got my job. I moved states, found a place and got established with next to no help. I'm pretty much the breadwinner in all this too even though she has a job.

Materially, my life has improved a ton since 2022, but I'm still a mess psychologically. I did some self reflection yesterday, before she dropped the news. I was out getting errands done around town and thought back to the early days of me living here. Back when I felt so smug about my life finally working out. I put myself out there because I thought I was finally ready to have a serious IRL relationship and ended up meeting her after a string of disappointments from mentally ill women.

I think I made a mistake. That point in my life was where it went wrong. I was riding high from finally moving out and getting my career started and I neglected my mental and physical health and now those chickens have come home to roost.

And the baggage I was talking about was not you having mistrust in women, but drinking presumably alone through a sixpack. You sound a bit like a pouting child, crossing their arms and saying it's all because of the mistrust you have for women. The main concern of yours is YOUR life and getting things straightened out first of all. Maybe you'll find someone that's not a NEET once you got your things sorted out.

I'm getting things sorted out but it's a slow process. I'm back on the one medication that sort of worked for me and I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow about my gut issues. Also she was only a NEET when she met, but she got her job a month after we first started messaging and to her credit she stuck with it and close to being promoted. I didn't fix her and didn't want to, but my presence was enough motivation to get her shit together. At least on the surface.

 

[Deezy]

If your shit’s so together, then go get the woman you think you deserve. You talk so poorly of your girlfriend that I feel sorry for her. What’s the point of dating someone (long distance, even!) if you can’t fucking stand her?

Do yourself a favor as you wait for your meds to kick in: think about the things you’re willing and not willing to tolerate in a relationship. Take inventory of yourself, too—what do you think others only begrudgingly tolerate about you? What do you bring to the table? (A hint: it’s not bread, because you don’t live with or provide for your significant other)

Use these insights as a guide the next time you “put yourself out there.” It’ll save everyone a lot of time and grief.

 

[Hubelublub]

my presence was enough motivation to get her shit together

Accurate, but not in the way you think it is.

Godspeed to that sis out there, I hope she's doing some fat lines with her friends and enjoying freedom. God knows she's suffered enough.

 

[Hassou Tobi]

He seems pretty bent out of shape by his girlfriend making decisions he personally wouldn't have made, even the ones which don't affect him.

Maybe he's a control freak, maybe she's toxic and he's an enabler, who knows.

Maybe I’m just a wild child but I don’t see the big deal? She went out with coworkers, did a line, a thirsty dude gave her his number? Is he mad she didn’t refuse his number? A lot of dudes are scary and pushy and it’s easier just to accept it and say “yeah sure I’ll call you” so he leaves you alone.

He is sitting alone pounding back a six pack by himself posting on kf so he’s not exactly healthy living.

Have they ever even met in person? Or do they just know each other from discord?

 

[Hubelublub]

Have they ever even met in person? Or do they just know each other from discord?

I think they've met in person, but are both generally terminally online, and with alcohol problems to boot.

Is it a good idea to message your GF's online friends to get more info on who she is as a person?

So far I found nothing of concern and I didn't even snoop on her computer or phone. Some of her actions just confuse me and I need reassurances.

not a regular thing but like once a month max. I keep my cool when she brings it up because it's an obvious shit-test but I can't help but wonder if she's telling the full truth there.

Her online bestie is a married man too, who lives several states away and she also knows his wife too. He also knows about me as well as her relationship status. They text a lot IRL which I find weird and offputting but one time I saw him message her asking if we smashed lmao. So he knows I'm hitting it. Not to get too TMI or anything. But there are a lot of degenerate weirdos out there who wouldn't give a shit if their side piece fucked. I'm just not sure about this guy. Another friend of hers said he admitted to not being attracted to his wife, though he also said he's not attracted to anyone and he likes the convenience of marriage. Perhaps he's asexual? This is just speculation. They game a lot together too. We just so happen to be into very different kinds of video games which is fine and not too surprising.

There's also the fact that she hasn't introduced me to her new set of online friends, though they do know about me. I saw her post pics from our dates on their discord which I was cool with, but I find it weird that we've never been properly introduced.

She's a fucking complicated person and she's got my paranoia kicked into maximum overdrive because I've run into BPD before.

Yeah they're all online. She has one IRL bestie who's a pregnant and married now and she's friends with a lot of her (all woman) coworkers who she hangs out with occasionally. AFAIK, no IRL guy friends. However, I consider emotional affairs as serious as physical ones.

The images weren't selfies, but like pics of the hotel we stayed at and all that. Which I don't mind, I prefer to keep a low profile. The only selfies I've seen her post publicly were a couple years old on Insta and she did have her discord pfp as her face a couple times but it was edited.

Well, it was the standard getting lovebombed early on and they got hypersexual. Then one of them fuckzoned me instead of wanting to date, and another just kinda coldly left me when I said that it wouldn't work. This was after she talked about shit like love, kids and marriage. She was crazy so I'm glad she just discarded me at the very least. My GF on the other hand, trauma dumped about her bad experiences with men a few weeks after we first started talking. She was probably drunk when it happened too. Different from the rest, but in hindsight it does raise some alarm bells.

Maybe I have been gaslighting myself this entire time and making mountains out of molehills. There's more to this story (as it usually goes with this sort of thing) and I sometimes get my paranoia juiced up. It's hard to balance out friends, work and relationships when you struggle with a chronic illness and it sometimes leaves me wondering if I'm being way too hard on her or if something really is going on. We DM all day when she's not busy at work , gaming or shopping but we don't really call anymore. I'm kinda guilty myself because I don't really pressure her into doing that because of all the other stuff she deals with but it feels like we kinda just do our own thing when we're apart. IRL though, it's been getting a lot better. IDK, just bizarre as hell to me.

Also I still stand firm in my opinion that those girls I talked to before I met my GF were in fact BPD. We're talking about sexting within a day of first meeting online, literal lovebombing (not just normal compliments you'd give someone you first met) and acting super, super clingy. I don't think that's really normal when you first meet someone you want to date. I wasn't even using a dating app either lol. This was just through an online community that had a personals section. Shit's enough to make me wonder though.

I have brought it up in the past and she usually tells me where she's at IRL or what she's doing online. Her chronic illness also means she sometimes naps during the day or falls asleep/wakes up at odd hours and I know that this is for real. She'll tell me when she napped as well.

Our independence from each other has been a blessing in disguise at times. We can do our own thing for a little bit and be our own selves. The lack of focused time though.... that's a really good way to put it. That's what's kinda gone away in the last year and IDK why. She says she's been working more, which is true.

I'm going to move 4 hours completely on my own for this girl and all the last minute hangups and anxiety hit my like a ton of bricks last week. This is now turning into the try not to self sabatoge challenge.

It's weird because the connection IRL has gotten stronger but online it's mostly just messaging all the time and occasionally sending each other gifts. Like some weird inverse thing. Maybe she's comfy enough with me IRL that she can wait every other month to actually talk and do things together? She's definitely the patient type with the right people. Me, not so much.

I do want to talk to her more about this but I can be clumsy with it and accidentally make her mad. Now isn't really the best time.

It's really possible to have platonic opposite sex friends, because I've done it too. But I'm also aware that a lot of men end up having ulterior motives. And sometimes women lead men on and keep them around as emotional tampons. That shit is always paranoia fuel to me.

We're not into the same games and idgaf about that. She can get drunk and fuck around in League with her girls for all I care while I play Helldivers or War Thunder or whatever. We actually did use to watch youtube together but that kinda stopped too, as well as trashy reality TV to lol at. I've talked to her about this before but she says she's more busy which is kinda true. Last time we had a serious discussion about this was also after the almost-breakup so you can imagine how "well" that argument went. That was just a bad time for me in general with stress from work on top of all the regrets I had for what I did. I feel like I do need to assert myself more in this relationship now more than ever. I already convinced her to send me an anniversary gift (I did the same to her obviously).

As for the men hitting on her thing, I was probably seeing way more than what it actually was. She's always tried to be transparent with me since the beginning because being a decently attractive woman does mean you'll get weirdos hitting on you all the time. I just misinterpreted that as in she gets a huge dopamine rush from stuff like that.

 

[Lidl Drip]

Don't do LDRs kids. They are not ever worth the hassle.

Long distance relationships don't work for 90% of people. The only way it works is if you meet up as soon as possible and have CONCRETE PLANS on how you are going to make it a not-long-distance relationship. Plans that are actually realistic and that you are putting in motion like applying for a visa, looking for a job, etc. If you have spent 6 months or more with an e-bf/e-gf and you have not progressed your relationship into the real world and have not figured out how you are going to be living together in the future then you are ngmi and you are wasting your time.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

Maybe I’m just a wild child but I don’t see the big deal? She went out with coworkers, did a line, a thirsty dude gave her his number? Is he mad she didn’t refuse his number? A lot of dudes are scary and pushy and it’s easier just to accept it and say “yeah sure I’ll call you” so he leaves you alone.

He is sitting alone pounding back a six pack by himself posting on kf so he’s not exactly healthy living.

Have they ever even met in person? Or do they just know each other from discord?

She went to a sketchy club, went on a coke binge and could have gotten raped or assaulted because her coworkers pressured her into going. I'm not as hung up about the phone number thing after clearing my head for a bit, because that shit happens to literally every woman. He gave her his number, she added it so she didn't get assaulted and then she blocked him and deleted it.

No, what I'm worried about is how easily pressured she is and was convinced to do hard drugs. It's reckless behavior and if she keeps doing it worse things will happen. She should fucking know this.

 

[Deezy]

I do care that she did something dangerous and that's why I'm wondering if it's even worth it to be with this idiot at this point. I want a stable life partner and doing bumps of coke with a bunch of degenerate coworkers isn't future wife behavior.

Geez. You’re so self-righteously indignant that she made a dumb choice and COULD HAVE BEEN, but she wasn’t. This is what I mean: You don’t care about this woman or her safety. You care about how well she fits into your plans for your future, and you’re throwing a days-long baby tantrum because she quite simply doesn’t. What’s the end goal, here?

 

[Core Theorist]

Geez. You’re so self-righteously indignant that she made a dumb choice and COULD HAVE BEEN, but she wasn’t. This is what I mean: You don’t care about this woman or her safety. You care about how well she fits into your plans for your future, and you’re throwing a days-long baby tantrum because she quite simply doesn’t. What’s the end goal, here?

What, you don't get it? She needs to be molded into the perfect little fuckmaid that only does drugs when he wants her to, like getting blackout drunk so he can fuck her without her complaining. I swear, you femoids don't understand men at all. This is why "REAL CHADS" (lmao) are getting gook wives.

 

[Hassou Tobi]

She went to a sketchy club, went on a coke binge and could have gotten raped or assaulted because her coworkers pressured her into going.

She had her coworkers she’s known for years looking out for her, it’s not like they were randos at the club she met that night. I echo sentiments that you seem pretty controlling.

 

[Ravier Xavenblood]

She had her coworkers she’s known for years looking out for her, it’s not like they were randos at the club she met that night. I echo sentiments that it seems you seem more like you want to control her than are actually interested in her safety.

Nigga please. If was a woman complaining about my BF doing this you'd be telling me to leave him and that he's in the wrong.

Have a wonderful night.

 

[Mandy Stroyer]

Nigga please. If was a woman complaining about my BF doing this you'd be telling me to leave him and that he's in the wrong.

Have a wonderful night.

No one is telling you you HAVE to date her even if she is a coke snorting whore. Both of you sound awful for each other. Stop placing every woman in the position of your neurotic mother.

 

[Hassou Tobi]

Nigga please. If was a woman complaining about my BF doing this you'd be telling me to leave him and that he's in the wrong.

Have a wonderful night.

Nope, in my 20s I wouldn’t have cared about a man going out with his coworkers and doing a line of coke. and if a girlfriend had seriously asked my advice I would have gently counseled her to relax her grip a little bit.

Obviously you can have any kind of deal breaker you want in a relationship, but you should just end it rather than stewing over it and adding it your pile of resentment towards her.

 

[Deezy]

Nigga please. If was a woman complaining about my BF doing this you'd be telling me to leave him and that he's in the wrong.

Have a wonderful night.

Might be going out on a limb here, but most of the women who regularly post advice in this thread seem clever enough to hash it out with their mans without hand-wringing about it online.

But if that’s the sort of advice you crave, I recommend Reddit.

 

[LimeRikki]

There's a reason why I harshly judge women on their pasts. They never fucking learn and are never held accountable until it's far too late.

She has improved though by getting a job and sticking with it for almost 3 years now. That was a huge green flag

I've given her so much shit

I had a passive dad who didn't teach me shit about being a man and a neurotic mom who made me have issues with women

Part of me just blames society

I don't want to slam her with accusations of being a BPDemon right out the gate.

when I was halfway through a 6 pack

Holy shit. No fucking way. You're an alky too? You're such a catch, no wonder your GF does coke.

Easier said than done. I won't go into too much details but my life is barely holding together as it is right now. And yes, I have plenty of baggage like mistrust of women.

Have you tried drinking a six pack about it?

Nigga please. If was a woman complaining about my BF doing this you'd be telling me to leave him and that he's in the wrong.

Have a wonderful night.

A beggar that thinks he's a chooser
He told us himself he's a boozer
"It's all Women's fault!"
(He said, full of salt)
This guy's just a huge fucker loser

 

[Hubelublub]

Holy shit. No fucking way. You're an alky too? You're such a catch, no wonder your GF does coke.

Have you tried drinking a six pack about it?

A beggar that thinks he's a chooser
He told us himself he's a boozer
"It's all Women's fault!"
(He said, full of salt)
This guy's just a huge fucker loser

I always love a home grown lolcow, but the milk from this one is especially abundant.

 

[ConsentAccidentVictimNo98]

I don't give a shit if they just get drinks but to do sketchy shit like clubbing?

Hey ladies, how do I get the theory of mind to think that people don't do stuff for the same reason. Say, expecting all members of the "female sex" to not think like they have men dick

Oh and the fact she got a guy's phone number? There are many reasons why the phone call number incident could have happened. First, she could have just tried to be polite and diffuse a social situation. It's not an inherent red flag to get someone's phone number without contextual clues. Second, you don't know the guy, you weren't there yourself. He could have been such an ick that she accepted primarily to get him to shut the fuck up. Blocking him at a later hour means there's sufficient distance and space that he doesn't go full moid man. The red flag would be if she didn't tell you, and she did tell you. People are complex beings, and people make mistakes. This doesn't mean she doesn't care. You're holding her up to a super high standard.

Clubbing isn't inherently a red flag. People don't go clubbing just to fuck, it can be done under social circumstances to drink and dance with friends. I have done that before, I have done it alone because I wanted to burn energy.

And so, this is the question for the advice because I don't want to shit things up: How does one adequately deal with theory of mind, especially when under pressure? Is apologizing enough, or is something more active needed. This is just something to store at the back of the head.

 

[isalaide]

It's really true then from this thread, the zoomers have absolutely no fucking chill about weekend warrior drug use. That has to be generational. If someone of my cohort had thrown a tanty in their twenties about their partner powdering their nose, they would have been a laughing stock for months and would never have been able to shed the tag of complete fgt. The only legit complaint would have been if they'd done all your gear and left you none. True, the increased fent contamination now is a worry, but frankly anything you're hand buying from a dude you don't know in a club is almost 100% pure baby formula anyway. The idea of clubbing being "sketchy" or some kind of high risk behaviour when it is engaged in even by schoolchildren is also big wow. I guess the zoomers really have decided in-person socialisation is a bust.