Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[LifeAlert]

In 2021, Jack reviewed a literal chinesium shock collar "neck massager" on TechTime. He makes Hammy wear it too. For added disgust, play the video with your eyes closed

 

[souschef]

One of my favourites is his "cloud bread". Have you ever seen bread that leaks moisture out of the oven?

It's carnivore friendly too. I don't even know the meaning of this word anymore

 

[Slavic Patronym]

Jack must hate react videos because there's plenty of youtuber (real) chefs reacting to his videos, where they not only vivisect him over his gross incompetence, but will give real advices on what to do (or what not to do), showcasing in detail Jacks mistakes making these kinds of videos a true spotlight to his ignorance and how bad he is at cooking.

Jack for sure hates react videos, but he only goes after the channels or creators he thinks are "not famous enough" or whatever so he can get away with it. I can think of five channels off the top of my head that have explicitly called him out:

• Chef Brian T. (who was once joined by the former health inspector of New York or something lol)
• Italian chef whose name I'm forgetting (who I think balked at watching Jack boil onions and such in that one pasta video)
• Uncle Roger
• August the Duck, of course
• Chef James (who seems like a pretty nice guy)

Telling that Jack has only gone after PCTLM, Jack Vlogs, etc.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

View attachment 6973253
Why is jr. holding his fingers in the "two in the pink, one in the stink" position? Is that code for something else, like the upside down pineapple signalling that you're into swinging (thanks, Rekieta's thread for that info, btw)?

It's because he's still an adolescent and thinks he's being funny.

He'll bitch and moan when his daddy Trump shows up on the list

He'll deny it up and down and if he needs to admit it he'll say something like, "he was infiltrating it to see what was going on so he could bring them down from the inside".

 

[souschef]

Italian chef whose name I'm forgetting (who I think balked at watching Jack boil onions and such in that one pasta video)

It's Vincenzo from Vincenzo's Plate, he's a great guy. Most of those you cited are good guys. The august duck dude rubs me the wrong way though, he's a pretentious faggot

 

[AltisticRight]

One of my favourites is his "cloud bread". Have you ever seen bread that leaks moisture out of the oven?

View attachment 6973792

It's carnivore friendly too. I don't even know the meaning of this word anymore

Look at those nails.

God knows what's fermenting underneath that gross swinger ring of Scalfatty's.
Would anyone want to eat that loaf of liquid turd knowing untrimmed dirty pig claws deposited grime, crud, shit and boogers all over it?
I'd love to swab that to see what kind of abominations I can culture on a petridish.

Horrid, unsanitary and disgusting. Additionally, you can tell from his nails that he consumes a lot of sugar. Pig.

Italian chef

Vincenzo's plate.
His carbonara and lasagna recipes are king.
Chef Brian Tao is great too and their show is a little on the edgier side because they'll often make inappropriate jokes (by YouTube's gay standards anyway).

 

[souschef]

Would anyone want to eat that loaf of liquid turd knowing untrimmed dirty pig claws deposited grime, crud, shit and boogers all over it?

What he did is basically what i did when i was really into lifting. I would blend yogurt and eggwhite powder (albumin). Still gross. But at least i didn't call it cooking and i'm a clean fella

 

[Slavic Patronym]

It's Vincenzo from Vincenzo's Plate, he's a great guy.

Vincenzo's plate.
His carbonara and lasagna recipes are king.

Yes, thank you, that's him! He has real knowledge and love for food.

Chef Brian Tao is great too and their show is a little on the edgier side because they'll often make inappropriate jokes

That's why I love his channel. One of his best friends is a chef named Frenchie who just goes on there and drinks whiskey and dunks on Jack with equal parts glee and disdain. Brian loves enraging him with Jack videos.

 

[souschef]

Yes, thank you, that's him! He has real knowledge and love for food.


That's why I love his channel. One of his best friends is a chef named Frenchie who just goes on there and drinks whiskey and dunks on Jack with equal parts glee and disdain. Brian loves enraging him with Jack videos.

By the way guys. Speaking on Chef Tsao, he released a compilation of his videos on Jack, including his guests

Almost 5 hours of Jack being grilled by real chefs

 

[Pig Cups]

Archive because I think there's a good chance he deletes this video:

View attachment 6955855

1:46: "I'm not waiting 15 years. I probably won't even be alive in 15 years."

Sure, he's just stating the obvious screaming thought that popped into everyone's minds when he said the claim was that the eggs could keep for up to 15 years/that he wouldn't wait that long. Sure, his impending early death is obvious to even the most casual onlooker. But even then, him accepting it with a smile is still very fucking depressing. A person of his age should not typically feel a sense of peace at the idea of death coming very soon, despite how broken-bodied he is. It's not like he has ALS or some rare cancer, in which death is a welcome guest after a long and painful battle. Maybe it's because I know people who, much like Jack, knowingly and comfortably relish the fact that they have zero sense of self-reliance, inner strength, or interest in putting an iota of work in to better their respective situations.

His sense of peace probably comes from him thinking with 100% certainty that he's going right into the loving arms of Jesus and His celestial paradise once he kicks the bucket. What delusion.

A lot of famous people, including Stephen Hawking, went to Epstein island and his dick hasn't worked in decades.

Dude had a lot of weird fetishes allegedly. Your dick not working really does a number on you and you end up incredibly sexually frustrated with no way to relieve it.

Uh, guys? ALS doesn't affect your sexual function (beyond loss of mobility). The disease primarily impacts voluntary muscle movement. Sexual arousal is an involuntary response, meaning his mind AND ability to achieve an erection remained intact, despite the condition.

So, he very well could've had pre-pubescent children doing all kinds of horrific things (that we'll not describe further) to/with him for his titilation while he was on that island. I can't imagine how unsexy and disgusting sexual congress with Stephen Hawking must've been like. Assuming he was placed flat on a bed or in a lie-flat wheelchair (the latter being less likely), would he use his droning speech synthesizer for dirty talk/expression? Or just stay silent and enjoy? Would he explain his desires to his partner prior to the act? Yikes. Also, the idea of giving him a blowjob while he was in that chair is the stuff of nightmares, considering you'd have to bend real low with the seat of that thing smelling of prune and banana puréed old person shit.

 

[Spasticus Autisticus]

Sure, he's just stating the obvious screaming thought that popped into everyone's minds when he said the claim was that the eggs could keep for up to 15 years/that he wouldn't wait that long. Sure, his impending early death is obvious to even the most casual onlooker. But even then, him accepting it with a smile is still very fucking depressing. A person of his age should not typically feel a sense of peace at the idea of death coming very soon, despite how broken-bodied he is. It's not like he has ALS or some rare cancer, in which death is a welcome guest after a long and painful battle. Maybe it's because I know people who, much like Jack, knowingly and comfortably relish the fact that they have zero sense of self-reliance, inner strength, or interest in putting an iota of work in to better their respective situations.

His sense of peace probably comes from him thinking with 100% certainty that he's going right into the loving arms of Jesus and His celestial paradise once he kicks the bucket. What delusion.

It's quite a change as well from his much more rosy predictions about his lifespan. Even after his most recent stroke he was estimating he had "20-25 years left". Which, for someone in good health, would be a reasonable prediction. Jack is only 57, so 15 years from now he'd be 72, within the life expectancy for an American male. So for him to recognize that he likely won't even see 70 is a profound moment of honesty from Jack.

 

[AnOminous]

It's Vincenzo from Vincenzo's Plate, he's a great guy. Most of those you cited are good guys. The august duck dude rubs me the wrong way though, he's a pretentious faggot

He's also wrong about almost everything, and somehow unerringly manages to mock Jack for the one right thing he does in a video.

 

[Tiresome]

can't imagine how unsexy and disgusting sexual congress with Stephen Hawking

You know, we do appreciate you being here P.C., but it is acceptable now and again to have an unexpressed thought.

 

[souschef]

He's also wrong about almost everything, and somehow unerringly manages to mock Jack for the one right thing he does in a video.

August? Yeah, this cocky faggot tried to mock jack for toasting rice as if it wasn't one of the few things right he has done on his videos. Toasting rice is actually a good practice in cooking. I hate when people speak with such confidence about stuff they know nothing about. That's why when i watch react videos about Jack i stick with the professionals

 

[LifeAlert]

So for him to recognize that he likely won't even see 70 is a profound moment of honesty from Jack.

As hilarious as Jack is as a lolcow, if you strip away the funny and look at the lives of him and his family it's just depressing. He had many opportunities to turn his life around and he rejected them all with prejudice, he doubled down on the shitty diet. His family hates him (except maybe Jack Jr) and are waiting for him to die. He never succeeded at anything except breaking the Guinness World Record for "Most Survived Strokes" because his real passion is to gorge on food all day every day.

His sauces were shit. He is a shit cook. He blew his 15 minutes of fame on that redneck bootleg of Shark Tank. Guy Fieri ghosted him. Food Network ghosted him. He still holds on to the sunk cost of YouTube because he has nothing else other than Hammy's paycheck. The only people who will remember him fondly are the people who laugh at, not with, him and his videos. No one will remember him fondly for who he was as a person because he was the ultimate Daren, waddling into every restaurant in town, shoving his camera in your face, demanding free refills and sauce then refusing to tip and giving an F- when his tantrums fell on deaf ears.

When he's filming his last Jack on the Go and he's deepthroating his last footlong sub as his muscles freeze, the Wendigo leaps out of his body, and his soul descends into the great overcooker down below, I wonder if he will second guess himself on whether shoveling Arby's down his gullet for each passing second of each day was worth it.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Jack you're too busy thinking about food, so don't even lie



More Elon/Trump dickriding




Jack I'm pretty sure they don't believe the same lizard people conspiracies as you do



What the fuck is this advice, don't people like having a Valentine's Dinner at night, isn't nighttime commonly seen as romantic

 

[charlesdickens]

When's the last time he shared his weight, blood pressure, and glucose stats like he said he was doing to show that his Carnivore diet is really working?

 

[Adamska]

So, per Jack's latest and perhaps accidentally-uploaded video, he's making shoofly pie (a brown sugar and molasses dessert pie) - Meaning he'll be editing around eating half the pie and pretending he didn't. As always, I really enjoyed watching Tammy push his wheelchair around the store and occasionally bump him into things while he tries to avoid filming the chair or otherwise spoiling the illusion that he walks just fine while standing at four feet tall and needing everything right in front of his face read or described to him in the manner of a special needs child on a field trip.

Oh this might be funny, since shoofly pie can and has tripped people up since you need to pick the correct type of molasses for the flavor aspect. Even the gay baking guy fucked it up since most people just say "molasses" without specifying the type. I would not be shocked if Jack picks Blackstrap for this. In fact there's a dark hope I have he does.

Chef Brian Tao is great too and their show is a little on the edgier side because they'll often make inappropriate jokes (by YouTube's gay standards anyway).

Nah, the faggot paywalls his content behind begmeon and cuts like half the reaction. I ducked out when I noticed that. He's still one of the better reactors in spite of it, though not as great as PCTLM for that stuff.

 

[Slavic Patronym]

Jack tweet: RFK JR.

Add this to the list of Jack's crimes against humanity: He doesn't use the Shift key to write a capitalized phrase as short as "RFK" but instead hits caps lock first. That still capitalized 'r' reveals all!

Wait, now I realize that's because Shift + typing requires use of both hands. Ah, well.

 

[Pig Cups]

Then Jack would get all red and demand to know where the bathroom is, growling "COME ON, TAMMY" as she looks to the ceiling, shuts her eyes, and begins rolling plastic livestock insemination gloves up to her elbows. While being wheeled toward the toilet, Jack would grab a ziplock bag containing bleeding cubes of chuck roast and cheddar cheese; so he would have something to hold him over while Tammy works his gunt over with a rolling pin to stimulate a BM of hard cheese and blood with the color and consistency of Nesquik strawberry syrup. Note: Jack would rotate his hat 180* and say "Toilet Mode."

In Jack's case, a rolling pin wouldn't work. To pass a stool in the above situation, Jack would require assistance from a hydraulic press. Or perhaps a law enforcement battering ram.

Not his usual chicken roulette where so far he's lucked out and the ball has never landed in the salmonella slot.

Fuck salmonella, I want to see Jack end up with the less memeable form of food poisoning- campylobacteriosis. Raw chicken is a common vector for it, and it makes you piss out your asshole in agony, in addition to suffering from vomiting and feverishness.

Source: friend of mine who ate a chopped caesar salad from a restaurant kitchen that didn't properly wash their cutting board after it had contact with raw poultry.

Jack uploaded a JoTG to Twitter a day early. Him pronouncing "Lodge" as Lowge made the final cut, even after he corrects himself to later edit out his mispronunciation.

View attachment 6972392

I love how pussywhipped and useless Jack sounds during the exchange at 2:00:
J: "Oooh, french g-[?]...cappuccino up there."
T: "Mm?"
J: "That one's shurgar-free, honey."
T: "Mm?"
J: "Wanna grab one?" (translation: "Please please pretty please can you buy this, MommyWife???")
T: "No, I'm good."
J: ...'Kay...

Also, the look of exasperation from Tammy's mom at 1:25 is beautiful. It's like she's overcome with second-hand disgust and embarrassment once the man-toddler in his stroller (that she's partially chaperoning) enters her field of vision. She probably realizes that, as an amish-owned business, they don't take too kindly to obnoxious camera usage.