Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[Slavic Patronym]

I'm sick of seeing the dandruff flake on his shirt and his dirty glasses.

I know there are deeper cuts to make about him, but it really is mind-blowing how ugly Jack Scalfani is (which feels fair to say given how ugly his soul is and how he has dared to call other people ugly in the past):

• Most cursed pattern on the Norwood scale
• Beluga-indented head
• Unkempt dandruffed eyebrows
• Unkempt dandruffed goatee
• Cheeks always puffy and stubbled
• Eyes always glassy and bugged out
• Lips now randomly bitten or bruised or just-finished-bleeding
• Severely morbidly obese
• Complemented at all times by:
  • A dumb cartoon character (or Cool Guy or Cool Band) shirt he insists on wearing everywhere, even when he suspects he might be going to a semi-nice restaurant
  • A vampire-fighting-size cross necklace
  • A simp hat
  • Gurgling and hacking and coughing and nose blowing
  • Wrathful insecurity
  • Hateful stupidity
  • Transparent lies
  • Incompetence never hidden by terrible research and editing

Spoiler: He's in his 50s and looks like he's in his 70s.

Millions of people hit their stride in their 50s. Yes, you might have more wrinkles and pounds, but you should also finally have the fun money and free time to lean into your health, hobbies, style, etc.

Not Jack. He has sextupled-down on looking and sounding like someone in their 50s but from like the 16th century. A depressed and physically crumbling wastoid, somewhat openly looking forward to his own release from the torture of everyday life.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

Not only is Jack morbidly obese but he stores all of his fat in his stomach so he looks like a bloated tick

 

[souschef]

Beluga-indented head

Why is his head so pointy facing foward and so flat facing sideways. What's with this non euclidian head he has?

 

[EatYourVeggies]

View attachment 6986928

I am not kidding, when I saw this image I assumed you photoshopped his tray to make it look like it contained maggots. THAT'S WHAT HIS "PIZZA" BASE ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE AND I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING
Edit: @Hollywood Hulk Hogan there are crushed pretzels, BUDDUHR and SHURGAR in there.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

I am not kidding, when I saw this image I assumed you photoshopped his tray to make it look like it contained maggots. THAT'S WHAT HIS "PIZZA" BASE ACTUALLY LOOKED LIKE AND I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING

What the fuck is that even in the pan?

 

[Falcon Sebben]

JUNIORS SEEED DOONE MISS!

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[

Holy shit. Double Junior did the thing!

Sounds like he's trying to shit.

And he probably did.

 

[charlesdickens]

What are the odds the baby is named Jack Scalfani III

Jack's short too. He's like 5'5" or something. There's a video of him walking around a church event before his last stroke and he just looks so round. Physique like a beach ball.

 

[Tiresome]

I know there are deeper cuts to make about him, but it really is mind-blowing how ugly Jack Scalfani is

Even when he looked his best, he looked like a complete douche, and also made sure to leave no doubt

Who would have thought that such a strapping young man would have matured into such a striking and magnetic middle age

 

[souschef]

Even when he looked his best, he looked like a complete douche, and also made sure to leave no doubt

View attachment 6996813

He was actually a good looking guy, what the fuck. He ROTTED.

They should put his pictures in processed goods labels like they do it with cigarettes

 

[AnOminous]

I miss Chaplin, too - But let's not pretend that the only reason anyone outside of New London, Connecticut knew who he was wasn't due to being featured on /ck/ for regularly filming himself constantly cross-contaminating everything in his greasy spoon while being nearly too fat to turn around within a commercial kitchen.

Almost all of the things people were hyperventilating about were before something got actually cooked which would get rid of any cross-contamination. That is such a common bitchfest thing, when something got "contaminated" but then heated up to 165 degrees or whatever.

Most of that is lol calm down shit.

You could do an entire month just based around Ethiopian cuisine, since it borrows so heavily and parallel evolved out of Hindu style traditions due to their strict fasting.

Ethiopian is goddamn awesome. Just the base of teff flour injira bread is awesome. And then the actual stuff you put on it is also awesome.

They have great traditional cuisine. Too bad they're usually starving and don't even get to eat it.

 

[Mechanical Pencil]

Even when he looked his best, he looked like a complete douche, and also made sure to leave no doubt

View attachment 6996813

Who would have thought that such a strapping young man would have matured into such a striking and magnetic middle age

View attachment 6996824

This image is impressive in the way that it makes me even more irrationally angry than his bitmojis.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

He was actually a good looking guy, what the fuck. He ROTTED.

They should put his pictures in processed goods labels like they do it with cigarettes

I don't know if "good looking" would be apt but he looked a hell of a lot better than he does now. The full head of hair and the lack of a double chin really does wonders.

I still say he looked like a total douchebag though.

 

[Tiresome]

I don't know if "good looking" would be apt but he looked a hell of a lot better than he does now. The full head of hair and the lack of a double chin really does wonders.

I still say he looked like a total douchebag though.

Even by 80s young guy standards, he was maybe a B minus. The shitty newspaper print might be doing a good bit to obscure bad skin, stubble and other minor things. The only inarguably good quality about Baby Jack was the hair, and as we all know, that was not long for this world.

 

[souschef]

I don't know if "good looking" would be apt but he looked a hell of a lot better than he does now. The full head of hair and the lack of a double chin really does wonders.

I still say he looked like a total douchebag though.

Well, yeah. Before he just had a bad case of fuckfaceitis, now he has fatstrokediabeetis.

 

[Ihatejackscalfani]

Even when he looked his best, he looked like a complete douche, and also made sure to leave no doubt

View attachment 6996813

It really is remarkable on how Jack's physique has changed over the years.

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

Even by 80s young guy standards, he was maybe a B minus. The shitty newspaper print might be doing a good bit to obscure bad skin, stubble and other minor things. The only inarguably good quality about Baby Jack was the hair, and as we all know, that was not long for this world.

He wasn't like a 10/10 or anything but he was definitely above average attractiveness.

 

[John Andrews Stan]

It really is remarkable on how Jack's physique has changed over the years.

View attachment 6997409

Separated at birth:

 

[ADN_VIII]

Kay also has the advantage that she's not pure evil, malevolence and spite. She seems like a genuinely nice person. I could never shit all over her like I do Jagoff.

Kay is legitimately earnest about what she does and is absolutely having a great time even when she's making boot leather steaks. I think that's the key difference between her and Jack, that level of earnest enthusiasm. Jack is very clearly only still making cooking videos because he's high on his own farts thinking he's some celebrity YouTube chef that every foodtuber looks up to.

Kay knows what she is, where she is, and that her food is probably awful, but is happy doing what she does.

 

[Polska krowa]

Kay is legitimately earnest about what she does and is absolutely having a great time even when she's making boot leather steaks. I think that's the key difference between her and Jack, that level of earnest enthusiasm. Jack is very clearly only still making cooking videos because he's high on his own farts thinking he's some celebrity YouTube chef that every foodtuber looks up to.

Kay knows what she is, where she is, and that her food is probably awful, but is happy doing what she does.

It's also clearly something she does to have fun with her son, Lee, too, which I find endearing, even if the two of them have room-temperature IQs. I used to keep tabs on Kay and Lee back in the day, and Lee was studying media at a local college (I believe for people with learning disabilities, given how exceptional he and all his friends are). I suspect that Lee recording Kay was either part of a college assignment or something he got inspired to do as a result of his classes.

 

[Slavic Patronym]

Let's not kid ourselves. Even at his best, Jack was Duckie from Sixteen Candles.