Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Angry New Ager]

MEOW!

I haven’t heard an attempted call out like that since early high school.

Any time you have to go to pissy, personal attacks like that rather than a proper response, you’ve already lost.

What completely undermines Tess's attempt to be catty is that the commenter can wash off her bad orange makeup in five minutes, and instantly look better. She can also learn how to make better color choices and improve application with a few YouTube tutorials and a weekend spent experimenting.

Or maybe all she needs to do is turn off a bad filter.

But Tess? Tess is still an aging deathfat in career freefall whose default reddened-and-greasy look makes her look like she exfoliated with a Sausage McMuffin. She is in no position to criticize.

Oh, but Tess is a former MUA, who even got a tattoo of her brushes! Well, why hasn't she built a post-modeling career on that, instead of starting an Only Fans? Could it be that her makeup artistry, like her modeling, is limited to two looks, recycled over and over? Because we've seen how her shit always gets heinous whenever she decides to experiment.

I swear to god, Tess is a perfect example of, "Whenever you point a finger, three are pointing back at you." Love that for her. Cope, seethe, sheetcake, Tessie.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

Oh, but Tess is a former MUA, who even got a tattoo of her brushes! Well, why hasn't she built a post-modeling career on that, instead of starting an Only Fans? Could it be that her makeup artistry, like her modeling, is limited to two looks, recycled over and over?

Because Tess can't stand up long enough to be an actual, working MUA.

Watch a BTS of a fashion show or magazine shoot. The hair and makeup people are moving around constantly. In runway shows, hair and makeup people only get a very short moment to touch up their work between clothing changes, and Tess can't move that fast.

 

[Brickley]

Fatty world
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This is actually making me MATI. Yes, that girl's foundation is too dark and orange for her skin. But Tess, your face is not supposed to be mottled, neither by shitty, too-big, cancerous-seeming drawn-on freckles, nor pink and orange discoloration from your own skin. It's also not supposed to be so "dewy" that it's slick and wet. Tess of course looks like a discolored greaseball without any makeup, but what's worse is that she CHOOSES to look like that when she DOES put in effort, and she thinks it looks good.

This is from her own recent video advertising "slime barrier care gel." Her skin looks like a popcorn ceiling. You could not do a worse job advertising a "smooth"-looking primer if you tried. It looks like she actually has crumbs stuck to the side of her face. It's either that or stubble. And that's not even as greasy as she usually chooses to look, which is saying something as she's advertising a literal slime barrier.

It is absolutely ridiculous that someone who chooses to look like this thinks she can get someone in a "gotcha" for their makeup. Complete teenager behavior - and teenager quality makeup, if that.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

If you're going to do graphic eyeliner on yourself, you need to be absolutely precise.

The sloppy mess on her face looks like she let Bowie do her eyeliner. Or Kailyn Wilcher.

 

[DefCon Dumb]

Thanks for posting the video that led to the Tessie Tantrum. I don’t know that person at all but I got the impression she’s dealt with weight issues herself. I wish she could state her message with far fewer “OMG!!!” and gasping indignation. It distracts from her message.

I had wondered why Tess was being so bitchy about this woman’s makeup but seeing her made it pretty clear. Maybe her face is too monotone but Tess can’t miss the fact that it looks flawless. She has beautiful eyes too.

By contrast, Tess has hit the age/stage where even gallons of perfectly troweled on makeup can’t hide that she’s aging very badly and her face is really dropping. She’ll have massive jowls in a few years and you can’t escape aging,

Her once “pretty” face is now showing every bad decision she’s ever made and that’s what she’s really mad about.

 

[Concerned Citizen]

...but isn't the call, as Tess said, coming from inside the house?

Spoiler: fat phobia

This is not a skinny queen. If fatness is so concerning, why not exercise something besides her mouth?

 

[TheTruck2]

Not arguing with her point but bitch ain't exactly a skinny legend. She's got that "gonna get fat" look and will start porking out once she hits 30.

Also, clean and fix your ratty, ratchet nails ya scrub.

 

[Cheesegirl78]

Her once “pretty” face is now showing every bad decision she’s ever made and that’s what she’s really mad about.

Her skin shouldn't look so bad at her age, she's not yet 40.
It just looks so oily and congested, I wonder if she ever uses a physical exfoliant, or uses various creams to clean her face instead of soap and water.

 

[Cherry Milk]

Imagine being 40, with a young son, and no career to speak of, and yet you spend your time making bitchy comeback videos. Tess grow the fuck up, get a job and take care of your kids.

 

[Justanotherguy]

Tess was a normal size 30 years ago

 

[JambledUpWords]

Imagine being 40, with a young son, and no career to speak of, and yet you spend your time making bitchy comeback videos. Tess grow the fuck up, get a job and take care of your kids.

She’s hoping to capture lightning in a bottle again. The money and fame she got from being a “model” got to her head pretty quickly, and now she can’t see herself ever going back to a normal job, like being a receptionist. Just one viral moment that allows her to go on talk shows again and be part of national ad campaigns is what she’s aiming for. Problem is, even at her peak, she was only used as a token fatty to appeal to the fat acceptance crowd.

 

[The Hardest R]

Tubbers has been given too many chances to ever just go back to being a receptionist somewhere. Even in the last few months, it’s been sponsorships for an Italy trip, her TEDx talk, and her stupid pamphlet book. Not enough to provide her a living she believe shes entitled to but not total obscurity either. It keeps giving her the false hope that her big turnaround is just around the corner. Even her feeder work would still stroke her ego since the focus is all on her. Receptionist work is all about the customer, which she would hate now. At least when she’s farting on a cake, all eyes are on her doing it.

 

[NoReturn]

She deleted the clapback video

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Not arguing with her point but bitch ain't exactly a skinny legend. She's got that "gonna get fat" look and will start porking out once she hits 30.

Also, clean and fix your ratty, ratchet nails ya scrub.

Her face may be hormonal. She talks about being an ex-fat and you can see how she looks in this video:

 

[Dr. Guntenstein]

She deleted the clapback video
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Her face may be hormonal. She talks about being an ex-fat and you can see how she looks in this video:
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Yes, she is a self hating fat. I was confused as to why she was so angry with fats when she appeared to be one herself. If it’s hormonal then starting her day with an energy drink plus all the garbage she bought at whole foods; nutella, bread, tons of sugary juice, etc. is going to fuck up her endocrine system even more. She looks like she’ll pork out immediately once she stops the performative exercising and ‘healthy’ eating.

They desperately want to be a skinny queens but never want to change their diet to be actually healthy because they hate real food.

Anyways, Tess is fat and I would not sex her.

 

[Barbarella]

I thought Tess (cunty as she was) hit the nail when she said it was coming from inside the house.

And I see she caught it, the baggy tees, the compression leggings-the chick is small fat. Hopefully working to lose weight or Tess could be her future.

I think the monotone orange skin is a filter. Tik tok is bloated with them.

Anyway, Tess is monstrous, and I’m not sure how she manages to film herself without gasping for air. None of our other deathfats manage it.

 

[Kitty kitty cat]

Tubbers has been given too many chances to ever just go back to being a receptionist somewhere.

Theres that but what company would hire an almost immobile tattooed greaseball like her? Shes gonna be the face of the company so unless all their customers are blind, shes def not going to be the first pick for such a position.

 

[Clotso Coof]

first pick for such a position

I'd hire Tess to promote a new pharmaceutical combining Hepatitis C treatment + Ozempic. Or a diabetes-friendly post-tattoo antibiotic cream.

 

[RainbowStarlight]

Here it is. She is positively out of breath. Special guest: Crocodile tears.

 

[Attractive Sexhaver]

Jesus christ, it's not even entertaining bad, it's just awkward and boring. She's a terrible public speaker trying to stick to her script, which amounts to an anecdote about how she's been fat and delusional since at least 6th grade. I couldn't handle any more than 2 minutes of it before I had to tap out.

 

[The Hardest R]

Here it is. She is positively out of breath. Special guest: Crocodile tears.
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I was barely able to get through that clip, holy shit. As I figured, Tess was poorly prepared, even though it’s the same story she’s been telling now for almost 15 years. Completely embarrassing and now I know why it took almost four months for it to come out.