- Joined
- Jul 11, 2022
Ottoman Caliph
Amir al-Mu'minin
Kayser-i Rûm
Custodian of the Two Holy Mosques
Ibrahim bin Ahmed was born on November 5th, 1615. He was the eighth son of Sultan Ahmed I and his Haseki Sultan (means chief consort/primary wife) Kösem Sultan / Mahpeyker Sultan. Kösem was an ethnic Greek woman originally named Anastasia who was the daughter of a Greek priest and born in Tinos before being kidnapped and added to the Sultan's harem. One notable thing about Ahmed's reign that should be taken into consideration for the story of Ibrahim is Ahmed's decision to end the Ottoman tradition of fratricide. Previously, in order to gain the Ottoman throne, aspiring Sultans had to execute all their brothers in order to ensure their succession. While brutal, this system essentially made sure that weak rulers and retards were weeded out and only someone competent enough to take the throne would do so. Ahmed outlawed fratricide and instead replaced it with a system of seniority. However, the consequences of Ahmed's decision wouldn't be seen in his lifetime...
Ahmed I would die on November 22nd, 1617 from Typhus. At the time of his death, his oldest son, Osman II, was only 13 years old, so for the first time in generations, Ahmed was suceeded by his brother Mustafa I, as none of his sons were of age and there was a shortage of viable candidates for the throne. In order to help combat this shortage of heirs, the Ottoman harem had a special part of the palace called the Kafes (literally means "cage" in Arabic). The Kafes was a place where potential heirs to the throne were kept under house arrest and surveillance in order to ensure their safety. Ibrahim was only 2 years old when his father died, and he was almost immediately thrown into the Kafes alongside his brothers when this happened, essentially spending most of his early life in confinement. Naturally, keeping him locked in a room with no access to the outside world was bound to have a negative impact on his mental health...
Ibrahim's older brother Murad IV would eventually take over as Sultan and reign from September 10th, 1623, to February 8th, 1640, although Murad was heavily controlled by his mother Kösem. Murad kept Ibrahim and his siblings locked in the Kafes during his reign. Ibrahim would go completely fucking insane in the Kafes, which Murad was aware of.Now Murad was a very paranoid ruler, and had gradually had his brothers executed due to percieving them as threats to his rule until only Ibrahim was left. Why did Ibrahim survive? This was due to the intervention of his mother Kösem. Kösem prevented Murad from killing Ibrahim because Murad had failed to produce any heirs, and should he kill Ibrahim, he would end the Ottoman line. Murad actually wanted to have Ibrahim killed on his deathbed, because even he knew that his brother was a complete fucking lunatic that would ruin the empire. Unfortunately for everyone, Kösem didn't agree and decided to have Ibrahim succeed his brother as Sultan on February 9th, 1640.
As the eigth son of Ahmed I, it was highly unlikely that Ibrahim would ever become Sultan, especially with his brother Murad trying to execute him. However, Ibrahim would eventually find himself sat upon the Ottoman throne with its vast resources at his disposal, so how did he govern? Basically, he didn't. When one calls Ibrahim "mad", they're either referring to him being an insane incel with no social skills due to being locked up in a cage until he was 16, or due to the fact that he was completely incompetent, also because he spent most of his life locked in a fucking room. Ibrahim was basically too retarded to run the empire and left governing to his mother and advisors, who managed to do an alright job on his behalf. What was Ibrahim doing while they governed? Rather than ruling over his empire, Ibrahim preferred to retreat to his harem and hedonistically pursue comfort and pleasure. His mother would even pick out women for Ibrahim's harem to keep him distracted, which was probably for the better. This sex wasn't completely without a purpose, as it was done in hopes that Ibrahim would produce viable heirs, unlike his late brother Murad.
Ibrahim's upbringing in a cage and his older brother's desire to have him executed had a heavy infleunce on him. Ibrahim was incredibly paranoid about threats to his life, mainly because Murad wanted him dead and had already killed four of his brothers. In fact, Ibrahim insisted to his mother and viziers on seeing Murad's corpse when he died to confirm he was no longer a threat to him. Even after Murad's death, Ibrahim remained paranoid and untrusting, as he thought his ascension to the throne was some kind of test or trap. Like his brother Murad, Ibrahim would often disguise himself and inspect Constantinople's markets, reporting his findings to his Grand Vizier.
Ibrahim was an incredibly erratic and unstable ruler who would often confuse and scare his subjects with his bizarre orders and frequent rages that he would fly into. For example, Ibrahim once threatened to stuff his Grand Vizier with straw. Another example of his erratic behavior and outbursts occured in 1647 when Ibrahim was traveling in Constantinople, only to have his path blocked by a massive cart. In response to this, Ibrahim demanded that his Grand Vizier Nevesinli Salih Pasha ban all carriages in the city, hoping it would prevent traffic. Of course, Ibrahim's ban didn't work, and as a result, he blamed Salih Pasha, fired him, and then had him murdered for good measure on September 16th, 1647.
When it came to appointing people to positions of power, Ibrahim liked to play favorites and award critical positions to people he personally liked, rather than based on their merit or skill. He also allowed himself to be influenced by these unsuitable individuals. This resulted in Ibrahim's government being plagued with bribery and corruption, and composed with yes men who enabled Ibrahim's terrible decisions.
For example, Ibrahim decided to promote a bath-keeper he liked to the head of the Jannisaries, who are groomed Christian boys meant to be the elite guards of the Sultan. Another example of Ibrahim surrounding himself with enablers and yes men was with a man named Cinci Hoca. Cinci was basically the Ottoman equivalent of Rasputin. He was a spiritualist and witch doctor who was brought in to help cure Ibrahim's various chronic ailments, which he used to gain influence. Ibrahim promoted Cinci to high positions of power and took suggestions from him, such as Cinci's advice to invade Venetian Crete.
Another favorite of Ibrahim was Yusuf Agha. Yusuf was promoted from Agha to Pasha and Grand Admiral. However, Yusuf highlights another example of Ibrahim's instability, which is what he did to people who were no longer of use to him. After getting into a disagreement with Ibrahim over an invasion in Crete, Ibrahim had Yusuf executed. Execution was typically the way Ibrahim dealt with people who wronged him.
Ibrahim was also known for his incredibly lavish lifestyle and expensive tastes. Rather than wearing the typical attire of an Ottoman Sultan, Ibrahim liked to wear vibrant bright robes made from expensive fabrics, wove flowers into his hair instead of wearing a typical turban, had rare gemstones as buttons on his robe and even hung diamonds from his beard. He also would spray himself with expensive perfumes. He loved furs and purchased so many that he drove the price of sable furs to increase tenfold. Ibrahim also liked to put amber in his coffee which, big shock, also drove up the price of amber. He would also buy extremely expensive gifts for his concubines such as entire palaces. Of course, Ibrahim's opulent spending took a major toll on the Ottoman economy, which must've been a nightmare for his finance ministers. What was Ibrahim's solution to fix the empire's economic woes? Why, it was to increase taxes on his own subjects for his unsustainable spending. Genius! I'm sure that won't cause any problems in the future.
As someone who spent 16 years locked in a room with no outside interaction, to say Ibrahim's social skills were underdeveloped would be a massive understatement. Ibrahim was basically a modern incel in Ottoman times and treated women more as sex objects than people. He had a massive harem of about 280 concubines, who were random women kidnapped for Ibrahim's pleasure. Ibrahim would spend most of his time having sex with his concubines and staying in his harem, treating his concubines with gifts. Many of these gifts would involve Ibrahim stealing land and property from his sisters and nieces to give to his concubines. Typically, there was one chief consort for a Sultan within his harem, but Ibrahim handed out the title to eight differnt women. Needless to say, it is probably fitting to call him "Simprahim" for how much he simped for his queens. One of Ibrahim's favorite things to do in the harem was to undress his concubines, line them up, and then run around them neighing like a horse.
Ibrahim also could not commit to a single woman and always thirsted for more. This often resulted in him kidnapping and enslaving women for his own amusement. For example, Ibrahim wanted to fuck the daughter of the Grand Mufti, who was a religious authority in the empire. The Grand Mufti would tell Ibrahim no on his daughter's behalf, which greatly angered him. As a result, Ibrahim kidnapped the Mutfi's daughter, made her a sex slave in his harem for several days, and then sent her back.
Ibrahim's time in the harem had two main purposes, to produce him a suitable replacement and keep him distracted so that the actual competent people in the empire could run the state instead of leaving crucial decisions up to the erratic whims of the mentally ill Ibrahim. As a parent, Ibrahim wasn't keen on fulfilling obligation as a father. The main example of this comes in his treatment of his son and future heir Mehmed IV. Mehmed was the son of Ibrahim's chief Haseki Turhan Sultan, a concubine of Russian origin. Mehmed's birth was seen as a sign of relief, as now Ibrahim had a proper heir, but Ibrahim, who was a slave to his lust for obese women, didn't care to raise his son, who he found weak and sickly. Mehmed's mother Turhan and Ibrahim would argue about how Ibrahim was ignoring his son and future heir. This fight would cause Ibrahim to lose his shit and in a furious rage, he grabbed the young Mehmed from his mothers arms and threw him into a cistern. Fortunately, Mehmed was saved by harem servants before he could drown, although the ordeal left him with a scar on his head.
Wait, he was a furry? Well, sort of. He was not a furry in the modern sense of the word, although let's not forget that according to Turkish mythology, Turks are the results of their ancestors having sex with wolves. Instead, Ibrahim was obessesed with expensive furs. He not only stuffed his pillows with expensive furs, but he also had an entire room lined with furs and would constantly request them. Ibrahim would also shave cats and give them capes made out of fur. Ibrahim's love of fur was so extreme that the French dubbed him "Le Fou de Fourrures" (The Fur Madman).But besides his love of lavish and expensive furs, there's actually an instance of Ibrahim lusting over animals. One day, while passing by a cow, Ibrahim was stopped in his tracks and taken aback by its ass. Now it's one thing for a guy to obsess over a cow's ass, but Ibrahim took this even further. He ordered that a golden cast of the cow's ass be made, and that it would be taken around the empire in order to find him a woman with a matching ass. That woman would end up being Ibrahim's seventh Haseki.
When it came to women, Ibrahim had a definite type. He was a chubby chaser and preferred morbidly obese women for his harem. After all, this is the same guy who was enamored by a cow's ass, had a golden cast of it made, and specifically asked his servants to find him a woman with an ass comparable to the cow's backside. Ibrahim's mother would typically choose women for his harem to keep him distracted, but Ibrahim would also command his servants to kidnap women for him.
This woman would end up being his seventh Haseki Şivekar Sultan, who is probably the most notable fat woman that Ibrahim ever simped for. Şivekar was a morbidly obese (she was about 330 lbs) Armenian woman originally named Maria whose Turkroach name literally means "flirty", and she was even given the nickname "Şekerpare" (which translates to "sugar cube") by Ibrahim. Ibrahim found Şivekar after ordering his servants to fetch him the "fattest woman in Constantinople". Şivekar was politically active and took advantage of her influence in the Ottoman court. She would spread gossip about other harem members and tell Ibrahim everything she saw. For example, Şivekar spread a rumor that one of Ibrahim's concubines slept with someone outside the harem. Ibrahim was enraged by this news and launched an investigation to find out which concubine it was. This "investigation" would result in Ibrahim having 278 members of his harem executed by being tied into sacks and thrown into the Bosporus Strait. Ibrahim's mother however did not like what Şivekar was doing and had her killed with poison. Ibrahim was distraut by the death of his deathfat Armenian queen which forced Kösem to bullshit that she died of natural causes and console her retard son.
After 8 years of his rule, everyone was fed up with Ibrahim's bullshit. The people were furious at Ibrahim raising their taxes to fund his excessive and wasteful spending, which was imposed on the population during a war with Venice, who were supposed to be trading partners of the Ottomans. As a result of these wars, there were huge trade scarcities which made the economic impact of Ibrahim's spending even worse. Even Ibrahim's mother Kösem was getting sick of his shit, and was furious that she was losing her influence over her retard son to his other wives. The Janniseries and other members of the government would begin plotting to overthrow and depose Ibrahim, which Kösem supported.On August 8th, 1648, Ibrahim was seized and imprisoned in the Kafes, where he spent his childhood. Ibrahim's six year old son Mehmed, who Ibrahim had earlier tried to kill, was appointed Sultan, and Ibrahim's execution was ordered with a fatwa from the new Grand Vizier (the previous Grand Vizier Ibrahim appointed was strangled and torn to shreds by the mob for being corrupt).
On August 18th, 1648, Ibrahim was strangled to death in the Kafes, ending his reign of pure retardation. Ibrahim's last words were "Is there no one among those who have eaten my bread who will take pity on me and protect me? These cruel men have come to kill me. Mercy! Mercy!"
What can we learn from Sultan Ibrahim? Well for one thing, perhaps it's not a good idea to lock someone in a confined room for 16 years and then expect them to be capable of leading an entire fucking country. It's also probably not a good idea to indulge his lavish tastes, hedonistic desires and weird fucking fetishes. Ibrahim's father Ahmed I may have had good intentions ending the Ottoman practice of fratricide, but Ibrahim quickly demonstrated why perhaps there was a reason Ahmed's forefathers did what they did. Ultimately, it's no wonder no other Ottoman Sultans bore the name Ibrahim.
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