Bottom dysphoria and dysphoria in general sucks, but seeing someone close to you having what you didn't have is killer, even more so when you're watching it up close.
I'm 18, I could start the HRT drug for free, but I can't because of what my family's reaction would be (attempted exorcisms, telling all the churches about me), and in the meantime I'm going to have to stay here feeling out of my depth and like my life isn't mine.
My brother had something that made him take T injections, because his was low, so it was already very humiliating to have to see him taking them at 10 years old, while at 18 I can't. Yeah, I know that it sounds selfish, but my dysphoria have been making very depressed and suicidal.
The worst part was when I noticed the initial signs of him getting in, how to scratch the intimate area and these days, I noticed while he was sleeping, his penis was erect. Like, I felt so bad.
I felt like I had actually been castrated, and the wave of suicidal thoughts that had already been strong before (the feeling that God hates me and doesn't accept me came back, even though I had overcome it, the feeling that my life was miserable and cursed, that nothing will improve and I will never be able to transition), came back as worst,
I was really planning to get a knife and stick it in my belly. The self harm that I was lucky enough not to have had for months came back with a vengeance, just remembering what my brother was going through, I kept hurting myself by stabbing myself with the cheese knife in my legs or hitting my head with strength.
I'm probably depressed, I tried to commit suicide a few months ago, my parents never took me to a psychologist because they didn't have the money, and I understood and waited, but until today nothing, and when I talk to my mother about my dysphoria and that I suspect being depressed, and actually having the condition, but every time I try to talk they just send me Bible verses about the heart being deceitful or make jokes about taking me to church to be cured with prayer.
Honestly, I know about 'get money and leave', but the college I'm going to this year is full-time, and it's not far from home, so I have no excuse, and the thing is, even though it's something I I want to do it, I barely feel like I can finish it due to depression and extreme dysphoria. The feeling that everyone will see me as a little girl makes me feel naked. I also feel like I will die early
Sorry for my English, I am from Brazil, but I used the translator, because I am lazy today.
