Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

Ed Grimley, Martin Short's recurring character from SCTV and mid-1980s Saturday Night Live (the 1984-1985 season, which is when Martin Short was a cast member) might count, as he's a spastic, socially awkward geek with questionable clothes and hair and obsessed with playing the triangle and being a contestant on Wheel of Fortune.

The short-lived Saturday morning cartoon series based on his sketches also include him getting into adventures that scream "Shit that didn't happen", fawns over a sexy, yet talentless wannabe actress who treats Grimley as just a friend (not that he'd notice) and has an irritating little brother, is obsessed with a children's show (it's a live-action kids' show hosted by a man [played by SCTV cast member Joe Flaherty] dressed as a vampire who tells stories that are supposed to be scary, but aren't), narrates everything about his life to anyone who listens, makes a big deal over minor issues, and has an irrational fear of dogs.
 
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Would Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks count as a lolcow? He's incredibly racist against black people despite being black himself (in fact, he's the darkest-colored character on the show). He denies being black, instead claiming to have "re-vitiligo," which is the opposite of what that "lucky bastard" Michael Jackson had. In one episode he took a DNA test which revealed him to be 102% black ("with a 2% margin of error") and he becomes suicidally depressed until they cheer him up by giving him fake test results that say he's white.

Ed Wuncler III and Gin Rummy were Deagle Nation before Deagle Nation. They're two rich young white guys who act like inner city thugs, have about 100 IQ points between them (most of which go to Rummy), and often engage in petty crime for no reason. They get away with everything both because they're white (it's THAT kind of show), and because Ed's grandfather owns pretty much the whole town.
 
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Would Uncle Ruckus from the Boondocks count as a lolcow? He's incredibly racist against black people despite being black himself (in fact, he's the darkest-colored character on the show). He denies being black, instead claiming to have "re-vitiligo," which is the opposite of what that "lucky bastard" Michael Jackson had. In one episode he took a DNA test which revealed him to be 102% black ("with a 2% margin of error") and he becomes suicidally depressed until they cheer him up by giving him fake test results that say he's white.

Uncle Ruckus is the king of Boondocks lolcows, but Tom DuBois (the black prosecutor with a pathological terror of ending up sodomized in prison where his job is to send other black dudes) is another.
 
Allie Fox from the novel Mosquito Coast.

He's a certified genius inventor with multiple patents to his name, but suffers from the cowish tendency of really smart and self-taught engineers to assume they have comparable skill in all walks of life because everything is applied engineering when you get down to it, right? Naturally, his people skills are about zero, he talks down to everyone he meets, lambastes them for their personal inefficiencies, and is a euphoric atheist who's read and MEMORIZED the Bible just so he can jump on religious people when they misquote scripture.

He's also got a massive ego, which has made him something of a martinet to his family. There's the usual heavy-handedness of forbidding the watching of TV, the reading of comics or the eating of junk food (he particularly despises aerosol spray cheese for some reason and rants about it frequently) but he's also pulled his kids out of school because public education is too dumbed down and never actually spends any time teaching them anything beyond letting them watch him work and run errands for him, making him perhaps the purveyor of the modern unschooling movement. (Whenever the truant officer comes around, he claims they have communicable diseases and he can't in good faith let them make other kids sick, even though he DESPISES other kids as OPL-level windows to hell)

His ego, and matching disgust with normal people, grows steadily until he declares America bankrupt, overrun with drooling idiots, and beyond saving. Their only hope is to move to the jungles of Honduras (the titular Mosquito Coast) and set up a new life free of the taint of modern consumer society. His family naturally objects, but he gradually wears down their resistance with nightly dinner table tirades about the USA's obvious moral/intellectual rot: "You can get rich on crime in this country!" "Dentists invest in candy factories! Detroit finances oil wells!" until they relent.

Once in the jungle, they actually do well for a bunch of Yankees. Thanks to Allie's ingenuity their commune soon has running water, a sewage system and plenty of healthy crops. Unfortunately, that success only feeds Allie's ego, which now cooks up his magnum opus, he'll build an ice-making machine. "Why?" asks his family, such would eat up lots of their precious resources, and for what gain? Allie once again brow-beats them into compliance by simply repeating the same mantra over and over when questioned: "Ice means civilization!" He's obviously blind to the fact he's creating the ultimate pointless luxury good, ice in an equatorial jungle has a half-life of hours, it's useless, the same kind of useless as the luxury goods he railed against back home. Unable to deter the "genius", they relent. The ice-maker works and soon the family finds itself conscripted into carrying the heavy ice blocks it produces to neighboring village, just to prove to the locals how smart Allie is... he's created what nobody else, not even GOD could in the jungle. But to his dismay, the denizens aren't the stereotypical savages he assumes they will be, they've all seen ice before, and batteries, and electric lights, after all, they've been trading with christian missionaries for years. Allie demands trips further and further into the interior in an effort to find people ice (and those meddlesome preachers) have never reached, but their blocks, no matter how big, always melt before they get anywhere.

Now a new problem has arisen, a group of militia that's been hiding in the jungle hears about this new wacky guy's settlement through all the ice-hauling and decide it sounds like the perfect place to set up a base of operations. When armed men suddenly descend on him, Allie (who never packed any firearms) has no means to get rid of them, except to sabotage everything, including the ice machine. When he does, the ammonia-based chemical refrigerant in it spills out and poisons his crops, and it starts a massive fire that spreads to the huts, In his effort to displace unwanted guests, he ends up leveling his own settlement.

The family now want to go back to the States, as they are totally without food and shelter, this is understandable. Nope, Allie says they have to try again, see, the problem was he didn't get far enough away from civilization, they have to go DEEPER into the jungle. The family protests, but Allie tells them they can't go back to the US, it's been destroyed by a nuclear war. See, he knew it was coming and moved them down here to get them away from it. They don't believe him, but again are forced to relent under his crushing domineering personality (he graphically describes how you die in a nuclear explosion whenever questioned, causing his kids to break down crying, charming huh?)

The locals take pity on him after his original village burns and supply him with enough spare seeds to start over, but they caution him the place he intends to go is not suitable for settlement. Allie ignores him, what do THEY know? THey aren't geniuses, like he is. Sure enough, the area Allie picks has only one water source, which soon dries up. Then when the rainy season rolls around, it floods, and their crops are destroyed once again. Only quick thinking by Allie, who converts their hut into a raft, keeps them from drowning. Now, twice-ruined, the family pleads to leave the jungle. Nope, see, they haven't failed, HE hasn't failed, he just hasn't gone FAR enough from civilization. Using the very last dregs of their resources and goodwill, they procure an outboard motor and ride upriver to TRUE non-civilization. (Allie nearly kills himself en route when the rickety thing throws its prop and he dives into the muddy water to find it). When it finally does conk out for good, Allie declares they've reached an untainted place to build their perfect world, only to find they've actually run ashore next to a missionary settlement that has running water, electric lights and even it's own airstrip. Furious, Allie sets out to "save" the natives from modern society and attacks the settlement, managing to destroy their electric generator before he gets shot through the neck and paralyzed.

His family carry him back to the coast. (having learned from the missionaries that no, the outside world has NOT been nuked to death) All the while he protests they're going the wrong way and rants about how he just didn't go DEEP enough. His idea was great, it was the PEOPLE around who failed him, but he won't fail NEXT time.... he's still dreaming about go number four at his utopia when the local fauna notice the helpless quadriplegic and vultures peck him to death. His family, now free of his influence, return to the states and live a normal life.
 
Allie Fox from the novel Mosquito Coast.

He's a certified genius inventor with multiple patents to his name, but suffers from the cowish tendency of really smart and self-taught engineers to assume they have comparable skill in all walks of life because everything is applied engineering when you get down to it, right? Naturally, his people skills are about zero, he talks down to everyone he meets, lambastes them for their personal inefficiencies, and is a euphoric atheist who's read and MEMORIZED the Bible just so he can jump on religious people when they misquote scripture.

He's also got a massive ego, which has made him something of a martinet to his family. There's the usual heavy-handedness of forbidding the watching of TV, the reading of comics or the eating of junk food (he particularly despises aerosol spray cheese for some reason and rants about it frequently) but he's also pulled his kids out of school because public education is too dumbed down and never actually spends any time teaching them anything beyond letting them watch him work and run errands for him, making him perhaps the purveyor of the modern unschooling movement. (Whenever the truant officer comes around, he claims they have communicable diseases and he can't in good faith let them make other kids sick, even though he DESPISES other kids as OPL-level windows to hell)

His ego, and matching disgust with normal people, grows steadily until he declares America bankrupt, overrun with drooling idiots, and beyond saving. Their only hope is to move to the jungles of Honduras (the titular Mosquito Coast) and set up a new life free of the taint of modern consumer society. His family naturally objects, but he gradually wears down their resistance with nightly dinner table tirades about the USA's obvious moral/intellectual rot: "You can get rich on crime in this country!" "Dentists invest in candy factories! Detroit finances oil wells!" until they relent.

Once in the jungle, they actually do well for a bunch of Yankees. Thanks to Allie's ingenuity their commune soon has running water, a sewage system and plenty of healthy crops. Unfortunately, that success only feeds Allie's ego, which now cooks up his magnum opus, he'll build an ice-making machine. "Why?" asks his family, such would eat up lots of their precious resources, and for what gain? Allie once again brow-beats them into compliance by simply repeating the same mantra over and over when questioned: "Ice means civilization!" He's obviously blind to the fact he's creating the ultimate pointless luxury good, ice in an equatorial jungle has a half-life of hours, it's useless, the same kind of useless as the luxury goods he railed against back home. Unable to deter the "genius", they relent. The ice-maker works and soon the family finds itself conscripted into carrying the heavy ice blocks it produces to neighboring village, just to prove to the locals how smart Allie is... he's created what nobody else, not even GOD could in the jungle. But to his dismay, the denizens aren't the stereotypical savages he assumes they will be, they've all seen ice before, and batteries, and electric lights, after all, they've been trading with christian missionaries for years. Allie demands trips further and further into the interior in an effort to find people ice (and those meddlesome preachers) have never reached, but their blocks, no matter how big, always melt before they get anywhere.

Now a new problem has arisen, a group of militia that's been hiding in the jungle hears about this new wacky guy's settlement through all the ice-hauling and decide it sounds like the perfect place to set up a base of operations. When armed men suddenly descend on him, Allie (who never packed any firearms) has no means to get rid of them, except to sabotage everything, including the ice machine. When he does, the ammonia-based chemical refrigerant in it spills out and poisons his crops, and it starts a massive fire that spreads to the huts, In his effort to displace unwanted guests, he ends up leveling his own settlement.

The family now want to go back to the States, as they are totally without food and shelter, this is understandable. Nope, Allie says they have to try again, see, the problem was he didn't get far enough away from civilization, they have to go DEEPER into the jungle. The family protests, but Allie tells them they can't go back to the US, it's been destroyed by a nuclear war. See, he knew it was coming and moved them down here to get them away from it. They don't believe him, but again are forced to relent under his crushing domineering personality (he graphically describes how you die in a nuclear explosion whenever questioned, causing his kids to break down crying, charming huh?)

The locals take pity on him after his original village burns and supply him with enough spare seeds to start over, but they caution him the place he intends to go is not suitable for settlement. Allie ignores him, what do THEY know? THey aren't geniuses, like he is. Sure enough, the area Allie picks has only one water source, which soon dries up. Then when the rainy season rolls around, it floods, and their crops are destroyed once again. Only quick thinking by Allie, who converts their hut into a raft, keeps them from drowning. Now, twice-ruined, the family pleads to leave the jungle. Nope, see, they haven't failed, HE hasn't failed, he just hasn't gone FAR enough from civilization. Using the very last dregs of their resources and goodwill, they procure an outboard motor and ride upriver to TRUE non-civilization. (Allie nearly kills himself en route when the rickety thing throws its prop and he dives into the muddy water to find it). When it finally does conk out for good, Allie declares they've reached an untainted place to build their perfect world, only to find they've actually run ashore next to a missionary settlement that has running water, electric lights and even it's own airstrip. Furious, Allie sets out to "save" the natives from modern society and attacks the settlement, managing to destroy their electric generator before he gets shot through the neck and paralyzed.

His family carry him back to the coast. (having learned from the missionaries that no, the outside world has NOT been nuked to death) All the while he protests they're going the wrong way and rants about how he just didn't go DEEP enough. His idea was great, it was the PEOPLE around who failed him, but he won't fail NEXT time.... he's still dreaming about go number four at his utopia when the local fauna notice the helpless quadriplegic and vultures peck him to death. His family, now free of his influence, return to the states and live a normal life.
That Allie Fox guy sounds like a deranged narcissistic psychopath and a flat-out horrorcow.
 
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I'm a huge King of the Hill fan, so I might as well sperg about it and provide some lolcow examples from the show.

First off, Dale Gribble definitely qualifies as a lolcow in my book.

He's insanely paranoid and delusional, completely incompetent at his job, and is a literal cuck (well, until Nancy broke up with John Redcorn). Also, the Arlen Gun Club (which Dale is the president of) strikes me as the type of organization that thinks they're the Minutemen or hardcore Ruby Ridge-style survivalists, but are actually closer to Deagle Nation in how they function (especially in the episode when Dale was posing as a mercenary). Oddly enough, Dale is one of my favorite characters on the show.

His son Joseph would probably also count as a lolcow, mainly due to a mix of addled hormones and being raised by Dale.

Peggy Hill and Bill Dauterive have their lolcow moments as well, mainly due to Peggy's massive ego and Bill's crippling depression and laziness. That being said, Bill can be a good and likeable person when he's motivated and is shown to be a good person at heart unlike most lolcows.

Hank Hill is too mundane and functional to be a lolcow, but he's probably autistic. He's very rigid in his thinking, has trouble processing emotions of any kind, and has very obsessive tendencies (like his obsession with propane and propane accessories). Hank's the kind of autist who is eccentric and unusual, but not really lolcow material.

Bobby Hill may be a goofball and a geek, but is sociable enough and has enough of a circle of friends to not be a lolcow. That being said, Bobby does have his spergy moments, most notably when he joined a coven of insane occult-practicing neopagans and when he tried to win back Connie's love for Valentine's Day because Bill convinced him he would never find love again.
 
I'm a huge King of the Hill fan, so I might as well sperg about it and provide some lolcow examples from the show.

First off, Dale Gribble definitely qualifies as a lolcow in my book.

He's insanely paranoid and delusional, completely incompetent at his job, and is a literal cuck (well, until Nancy broke up with John Redcorn). Also, the Arlen Gun Club (which Dale is the president of) strikes me as the type of organization that thinks they're the Minutemen or hardcore Ruby Ridge-style survivalists, but are actually closer to Deagle Nation in how they function (especially in the episode when Dale was posing as a mercenary). Oddly enough, Dale is one of my favorite characters on the show.

I loved how this was contrasted by his weird moments of competence. Like finding Chuck Mangione, being able to drive a Tank or breaking into the Army Base.
 
Scoutmaster Lumpus from Camp Lazlo. He's childish, arrogant, whiny, and lazy. He's incompetent at his job and spergs out a lot.

For example, in the last episode, he chimps out because he is too lazy to do his laundry. He first plans on running away to live in the woods so he doesn't have to deal with it. He then gets the idea to be naked and just paint his clothes on. This is actually seen as a good idea...until it rains and washes the paint off.

At the end of the episode, it's revealed that he had been an escaped mental patient the whole time, and he'd locked up the real scoutmaster in a closet and stole his job.
 
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Cathy from the now defunct Cathy comic strips. This woman is an obsessive, over-emotional headcase who is very easily manipulated by trends and beauty products the she chimps out if pushed hard enough. Constantly obsesses over her weight and then breaks and gorges. Granted her manipulative mother is partially to blame for why she's so neurotic (one time she got all emotional because she wasn't first on the list on Cathy's speed dial).
 
Some of the villains in Sly Cooper probably fall under lolcow status.

Dimitri got butthurt over criticism of his art style, of which he dubbed "kinetic aesthetic" which is just him swinging around on a piece of rope and painting as he swings by the canvas. Thus, he began forging paintings out of spite.

His grasp on the English language is pretty poor, which isn't bad in of itself, but the way he talks in order to communicate just comes off as really awkward and strange. From what I remember he learned English by watching music videos.

He also literally let out an autistic sounding screech when Sly said his suit sucked.
 
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Mr. Satan (aka Hercule) from Dragon Ball is an interesting case. He starts off as a total lolcow when he's introduced in the Cell saga, but gets better as the series goes on, and by the end, he's managed to shed his cow status.

The reason he's an interesting case is because he's only a lolcow because the heroes are all leagues ahead of him in strength and ability. By the standards of normal humans in the Dragon Ball universe, he's probably equal to someone like Chuck Norris or Bruce Lee. That'd be impressive if his competition didn't completely outclass him. Despite this, he acts as though he's truly the strongest person in the world, and takes all the credit for defeating both Cell and Majin Buu, only being allowed to get away with it because the Z fighters don't give a shit about publicity like he does.

Like I said, he does get better. For example, while he initially pretends to be Majin Buu's friend so he can kill him, he ends up developing a genuine fondness for Buu and successfully redeems him as a result. Later on, he is awarded a huge cash prize for "defeating" Buu, which he later gives to Goku because he feels that Goku's the one who deserves it for actually being the one to defeat Buu (the Buu redeemed by Mr. Satan is a separate character, for those who don't watch the show).
 
Jagi from Fist of the North Star is a massive lolcow/horrorcow. Obsessed with being better than his younger brother 'just 'cause thats the way it should be' - to the point of getting his face mangled. Spazzing out at anybody who calls him ugly, killing a kid for openly showing concern for his own sibling; generally being a douchebag to everybody. Doesn't understand the concept of love and genuinely wonders why everybody hates him so much. +++ Is too pigheaded in his own manga spin-off to understand that a girl has feelings for him and as a result gets her killed horribly/still he's ignorant to it.
Jagi's a moron of the highest-tier.
Otherwise though, the manga has a plethora of colourful characters all deserving of their own status' as lolcows. From the cross-dressing 'gotta be beautiful' serial-rapist Juda to Amiba who became a villain literally because another character pushed him out of the way in order to get to somebody in danger.
P.much all of them are too egocentric and ignorant to admit their own faults, like a few people we know written about on these forums. :lol: (Thank god they don't have people-'splodin martial arts abilities).
 
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I'm ashamed to admit I know the Urotsukidoji series in such detail (I was a total cringey teen edgelord when I followed this series), but Niki from the film Urotsukidoji: Legend of the Overfiend is a total lolcow.

Starts out as a stereotypical Nice Guy with a crush on Akemi, becomes obsessed with winning her heart, becomes one of those Loveshy/MRA types who makes pacts with demons and kidnaps Akemi. But not before mutilating himself by chopping off his own dick with a meat cleaver, sewing a demon phallus in its place, and murdering his parents.

Nagumo tracks Niki down and proceeds to kick his ass and kill him by dropping sharp iron rebar rods on him to impale him from above.

Yeah, it's that kind of anime. Feel free to give all the "Horrifying" and "Islamic Content" ratings you no doubt will give.
 
Willy Wonka from the 2005 version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory probably wouldn't be considered a lolcow because he's actually successful, but he is given more exceptional individual traits than in other versions.

For example, they give him a subplot with his father, where it's revealed that he ran away from home as a kid and didn't speak to him for 30-odd years just because he wasn't allowed to eat candy. They also outright state that Wonka doesn't actually give a shit about any of the kids, even though the whole point of inviting them to the factory is to select an heir. He also has a mildly spergy reaction to being touched and generally seems to have no social skills whatsoever (other versions portray him as eccentric, while in this version he's much more ignorant socially).

Again though, he's not really a lolcow because he's actually managed to build a successful candy making empire. He's more along the lines of Ulililia: exceptional as fuck but still managing to be relatively successful in spite of that.
 
With full knowledge that I'm being a huge sperg over obscure video games and that nobody will know who or what I'm talking about, I would like to nominate Asha from the cult classic indie game Iji.

Asha is a high-ranking assassin that somehow has an entire squad under his command despite being abjectly terrible at his job. He's so full of himself that he actively refuses to use stealth and subterfuge like an actual assassin and just shoots the fuck out of everything because he thinks he doesn't need to. This is despite the fact that he has one arm due to this sort of behavior (Assassins in the game have a teleport device, but they can't see where they're going while teleporting and Asha teleported himself halfway into a wall when he wasn't paying attention).

He ends up going against the protagonist just to collect the bounty on her head, but upon losing to her he gets so upset that he vows revenge just to set the matter straight and pursues her through the rest of the game. His attempts to get back at Iji include trying to plant logbooks saying that her brother is working for him, which are so unconvincing Iji doesn't even fall for them for a second. At the end of the game, though, you have your final battle with him, and it's where his true insanity shows through.

After your last confrontation, Asha decides to do nothing but train his skills, and by the time you fight him again he's gained the ability to dodge any attack. However, he can still be damaged by your weakest weapons. The game explicitly states that he can dodge these attacks if he wanted to, but he doesn't because he thinks it's embarrassing to need to worry about something so weak. And no, he doesn't stop doing this even when he's close to death. By this point, I should add, the entire assassin corps has decided to just go home because they're all too ashamed of Asha and don't want to be associated with him any longer. Oh, and through strategic use of checkpoints it's possible to lose this battle twice and fight him again. If you do, Asha throws a temper tantrum about how he should be winning and spends the entire fight autistically screeching at you.

Of course, it's also possible to bypass that battle entirely. If you do that, Asha leaves you a whiny message for not giving him the revenge he deserves and then kills himself because his life has no meaning if he's going to be shown up like that.
 
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Most of the characters in Okage: Shadow King are pretty lolcow-like.

Stan constantly boasts about being a great evil King throughout the game and yet very few people take him seriously. Really the most "evil" thing he's done was hiding someone's door mat so they can't wipe their shoes going in. He constantly chimps out whenever people don't acknowledge him or question his credibility. During the opening hours of the game, people simply thought Stan was a cool magic trick Ari could perform.

Rosalyn has a complex over her shadow being pink, no thanks to Stan, so she hides it by having a pink parasol out everywhere she goes. Some of the people in the Hero's Club know about her shadow and like to poke fun at her which always gets a reaction out of her. When she recognizes Stan as being the one who turned her shadow pink, she threatens to kill Ari, a helpless third party, just to get rid of Stan.

What's funny about this is that Ari's sister also acquired a pink shadow, and yet people told her it suited her, so she ends up flaunting it. If Rosalyn wasn't so insecure and didn't lash out at anyone over her shadow or parasol, she probably wouldn't have an issue to begin with.

Gutten Kisling has a large amont of lolcow tendencies. He likes to stalk pretty girls, (part of the reason why he joins Ari and crew), his favorite hobby involves toe-nail clippings (of which he and Ari's dad go into great discussion over) and he's basically not all there judging from his general demeanor and his animations in battle. However, he is recognized and admired in the scientific community, so he's... Somewhat successful I guess?

Beiloune's deal was that he created the world of Okage for his daughter to play in. And everyone in that world is forced into certain roles or "classifications" that they unknowingly follow without question. When his daughter disappeared one day, Beiloune couldn't find her, so in order to maintain the illusion he's created, and possibly to maintain his own sanity, he made a doll version of her and pretended that it was his daughter. He really comes across as more of a sadcow in this regard, but at the same time, he went to great lengths to get rid of Ari so he could continue this whole thing. And his plan didn't even work.

A lot of NPC's exhibit lolcow traits as well. (Possibly due to the whole classification thing) Ms. Madril in particular complains throughout the entire game about how she has yet to find her "Prince Charming", yet she insists on waiting in her house for the day that he will find her. You go girl...

Julia, who initially had a crush on Ari, told him that she wanted a submissive man who could deal with cold food and her excessive shopping sprees, but she disliked how Ari was going around "showing off his magic trick" and "breaks up" with him.
 
Panda from the Cartoon Network show We Bare Bears. He's a loveshy who is glued to a smartphone dating app, but never completes his love quest. In one episode he builds his own woman out of tote bags and has a dinner date with it. He's also a weaboo who obsesses over anime and has a waifu body pillow.
 
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