Personal Lolcows - Lolcows in your personal life.

[el bandito loco]

This guy is funny as fuck man keep us updated

I've got tons of stories about that dude. He one time told me that I stole magic out of children's lives. What was my crime, you ask? I told him one of his kids was too old to believe in Santa Claus and then he told his kid the truth and got mad at me about it.

the kid was 12 years old. see at first he was telling me an innocent story about how his Christmas went, and mentioned one loved his gift from Santa so much he wrote him a thank you letter. I thought he misspoke and said his 12 year old's name meaning the toddler and tried to correct him by asking if he meant that one. He told me no.

I said what the fuck? He's in the 6th grade what do you fucking mean he's writing letters to Santa Claus?! and he told me it was nice he still had some childhood innocence and I told him I was pretty sure it wasn't childhood innocence, but his kid was mentally retarded. I told him man that's a serious disservice you did that kid letting him believe stupid shit like that to his age. Imagine being the fuckin' weird kid in middle school talking about the easter bunny. he's gonna get his ass kicked!

He argued with me for half an hour on this and I just kept reiterating like dude think about how fucked up that is, the kid is old enough to be put in Sex Ed but thinks a magical man brings him shitty pajamas, bargin bin xbox games, and little crafts and shit. I seriously thought he was bullshitting me, it was the stupidest shit I ever heard. If nothing else his kid was humoring him because he felt bad his stepdad was still doing this shit with him at that age.

so I told him, basically there's no way he actually believes that shit he's probably just being nice to you. If he does believe it, that's a serious problem because everyone in his school must think he's fucked. He probably believes in unicorns and shit too.

so he agrees I'm right, he didn't think about it, they grow up so fast blah blah blah I'm younger than him so maybe I remember school and being a kid more or something. well long story short, his kid was just flat out retarded and started crying and it ended up causing a fight with his wife and he had to sleep in a separate room because she wouldn't speak to him for breaking her babies heart. I thought it was hysterical. how do you not know something is off with your kid when at that age they're really into the concept of a magic fat guy with an elf slave army? I've told people this story irl before and nobody believes me, and I don't blame them it sounds insane but I swear the guy's oldest stepson shit squatting on the toilet seat and his second oldest believed in Santa Claus.

 

[obliviousbeard]

I occasionally like to browse audio forums. There's this dude who's been around years (inactive since last year), GUTB. According to him, his nick comes from "Guy under the Bridge", a kinda urban legend about hobo dealing stolen goods under some bridge in his home town. This guy is basically the dude who falls into every snakeoil scam there is, and coming off so grating he manages to get banned from them. So far this includes few audio forums (where audiophiles trash him mercilessly), reddit etc, and he blames this on "objectivists" and people that are too poor to afford what he perceives good audio equipment.

So far this is typical audio sperg, but he really buys into all sorts of cargo cultism. His definition of good is expensive. He likes his magic boxes, they make him happy. If something uses generally available electronic components instead of some esotetric boutique ones with major markup it must suck. But he has to do this about as grating way as possible, while coming off pretty clueless about anything that goes into audio, electronics or simple common sense. Like in his world, it's impossible that someone just wants to get headphones that won't cost at at least thousands because they cannot justify the price tag (especially with either diminishing returns, or being someone who just wants to listen to music). It is because they got to be poor. And also won't spend at least few weeks blasting pink noise to speakers or headphones to burn them in.

Now, one of my favourites of his escapades was on the forum called sbaf, or super audio best friends. On said forum, there are people whose collection of music itself might cost about as much as a car, and their gear is generally in the realms of "fuck this shit is expensive". Nothing wrong with that imho, if it makes them happy etc. But GUTB came in and yammered about how they didn't just see greatness of his DAC (digital analog converter, basically external soundcard). He had also modded it himself, mainly because some schitzo on the internet had said so. Said mods included putting foam on the heatsinks of some transistors, tiny pieces of magical foil on capacitors and wrapping mains input's fuse in copper foil. He got ragged on that, especially since the thing didn't really justify it's cost of about 700ish usd, and said mods vary from "why" to "incoming housefire". People also got giggle of that pricetag after being called poor, especially when their equivalent units had street price of at least twice of that.

His unique blend of ignorance, cargo cultism, dunning-krueger, elitism, abrasive personality and self-contradicting outbursts is what makes me giggle at him. Dude reads forum post made by about something and latches on to it, and claims said schitzo ramblings being common knowledge. He goes "no u, how many dollars you spent on your stuff" at a drop of a hat, or drives into whataboutisms. If someone likes something that cost under thousand of dollars, it must be because they're poor, since it's low or mid-fi to him. And he must have his opinion known, despite no-one asking.

 

[Everything is on FIRE!]

I have a doozy of one. And I regret showing this person any semblance of kindness.

Let me introduce you to Kat (not real name) who is a 47 year old dominatrix wrestler cat mom jewish Karen conspiracy believing nutjob.

Me and my boyfriend made the grave mistake of taking this woman in because she had gotten kicked out of her condo due to not paying assessments among other reasons (it's the equivalent of paying rent) now my boyfriend has known Kat far longer than I and would make fliers for her wrestling shows and do security for them. I only met her a few times and she was okay I guess.

We were assured the living situation was temporary. 2 weeks ended up becoming six months. Here's a laundry list of shit she did (and didn't do)

-Refused to do any cleaning. Including in the guest room. We kicked her out a month ago and the stench of cat piss isn't going away.

-Frequently left trash all over her room.

-You could not address your own political ideas around her without her screeching how you're wrong. (Particularly when it comes to LGBT shit. Which she was pro LGBT)

-Couldn't drive and so my boyfriend had to drive her everywhere that wasn't in walking distance.

-Ran our electric bill up without paying a dime towards it.

-You couldn't have any alone time. She had to butt in on every conversation.

-You couldn't enter the guest bedroom/office for any reason even if it was necessary unless "The energies were right." So I had to wait until she went out to go in there for anything.

-Didn't believe in weapons and that the "universe would protect you." We live in a city known for it's crime.

I could go on but this post is already long enough. If I think of anything else I'll add to it. Sending her blood pressure flying into the stratosphere was fun when it came to politics it just got annoying because you couldn't get a word in edgewise after a little bit.

 

[( ◠‿◠ )]

This isn't my personal cow, but here's a full blown paranoid schizo on Youtube whose video is vaguely interesting in a retarded schizo way.
The video only had 5 views, so I don't think she's popular yet.

Couldn't get preservetube to work for some reason.

 

[Day of the Cope]

This personal lolcow of mine dated my mother for several months, so excuse me if I'm a bit vague in my details. This guy grew up in old money and ended up pissing away a family fortune after running around with criminal gangs. Breaking and entering, burglary, drug charges, the works. Eventually, this dipshit goes to prison for a while after his drunk driving got some of his passengers killed in an accident. This is when my mother started dating this lolcow. Of the things I remember, he spent pretty much all day in a dark bedroom, smoking indoors like a chimney, and doing nothing to find work. Basically mooched off my mother. Well, after several months of this shit, I finally managed to break her away from him. Within less than a month, he was already (back) on meth. Several years later, he's talking about how he's dating a porn star, how he's prostituting himself to other men, and how he likes to wear dresses while smoking meth. Crazy? Strap in. This was all told to his ex-fiancée.

 

[Epikusername4]

another ccgaming photo op

 

[unholysedation777]

I could probably go on forever about this guy if I could, but I'll keep it as concise as I can for the sake of your reading pleasure.

As a teenager I met an autistic NEET black guy on Discord who I bonded with over our enjoyment of web-animations. He never tried getting a job because of autism along with capitalism bad, he thinks college is a scam, and his single mother never did anything for him his whole life other than feed him McDonalds. He convinced himself that he's going to be the next big youtube animator (think OneyNG or Hotdiggitydemon) so he spends day and night tirelessly doing... something. I wouldn't know because he hardly posts any of his work and I have no clue what he spends all day doing other than doing random shit in freeware art/music programs (he also refuses to actually purchase any software because capitalism I guess) and playing video games. He's oddly self-conscious and would rather completely isolate himself than interact with anyone. He posts artwork every month or so but it's barely anything considering he threw away his life to dedicate to this pursuit. He developed a crush on me and we were a thing for a small period of time due to the fact I was a lonely bastard, but that was very short-lived because I went on to realise that I hate NEETs and I'm not a faggot. However that was a grand mistake, as while it was short-lived, he would remain a thorn in my side every since. We kept talking due to the fact we were in the same friend-circle and we even remained close friends, but he never stopped lusting over me.
Years later I have completely removed everything about my old life except this guy just out of pity. I thought I could help him by giving him advice since he really did have no one else and I wanted to be empathetic towards him for the sake of old times. Unfortunately that was a waste of time. At this point he's exactly the same as he always was, just maybe more depressed (for the obvious reasons). While I've continued to lose more and more interest in talking to him (there's only so much you can say to a guy with no life experiences or memories outside of his Discord friend-group), he still hasn't given up on his gay fantasies. Despite everything I've mentioned at this point (which I have addressed to him about at numerous points during our friendship), he still genuinely believes he has a chance with me and is trying to get his drivers license just so he can drive a whole two hours to see me in person and profess his love. I should note that I literally haven't even seen his face yet because of his paranoia of the internet (he always wore his shirt around his head like a keffiyeh during any video call we ever had). We planned on a midway point, and unless we part ways before the time comes, I'm debating whether it would be worth the drive just to see how he would fuck up our "date" or if I should just make up an excuse not to go when the time comes. This guy has been a thorn in my ass for years just due to the fact I had enough sympathy to think he would be worth my time, so boy does it feel good to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[AnOminous]

This guy has been a thorn in my ass for years just due to the fact I had enough sympathy to think he would be worth my time, so boy does it feel good to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This reads like the last post of someone before he is found months later cut into six parts and dropped in contractor bags spread across multiple states.

 

[MunsterCheeseJr]

Melonie Mac is such a marginal case. My gut says that she will be shifting over to full blown cow as The Wall fully sinks in.

https://www.youtube.com/@MelonieMacGoBoom

* Runs around eating sticks of butter in bathing suits proclaiming the greatness of the carnivore diet.
* Got divorced without children. Now has gone full blown super-religious Catholic. (please ignore the divorce).
* Tattoos are slowly engulfing her entire body.
* Now Anti-porn, and anti-sexy video game characters, still has tons of pictures of herself in skin tight exercise clothes in the gym locker room.
* Calls gays faggots.
* Desperate for a godly Christian husband. Hates the her audience who simps for her and tries to meet her.
* Has shifted over to reading the bible to her boomer male audience post wall and post divorce.
* Has crazy eyes.


So close to going cow, but not quite there.

And before anyone starts thirsting after her traps, this is what she looked like before she started slathering on the makeup.


I have resorted to commenting on other cow's threads where she is mentioned to figure out bullshit like the reason for her divorce (husband cheated on her according to Melonie) and other drama.

 

[GayRapistWithAIDs]

of her house at 12 years old because she "took" her stepdads side. In actuality, she was kicked out because she was caught having sex in the living room with said boyfriend,

Not to necro but nigga what the fuck, she got raped lmfao a 12 year old can't consent. Your mom sounds like a total piece of shit that has done plenty of other reprehensible shit, but how are you gonna go "that stupid whore 12 year old"?

 

[suckfest]

I wish I could tell you his name but of course I won't do that - but his name was so funny. Not in a bad way, just in a goofy way, like "Hubert" or "Humphry". I am going to refer to him as Hubert.

While working on my STEM degree, Hubert was this guy who was in many of my classes. He was severely autistic and absolutely obsessed with anime. He wore the same thing every day: trench coat, green shirt, and these big black big boots, like the kind Mr. X would wear. He walked like Mr. X too.

He was hilarious. Hubert talked like an anime character and was insanely smart. You could ask him what 10,931 divided by 13 was and he would give you both the decimal value and the largest multiplier followed by the remainder. He never made a mistake.

The best part about this guy, is that he was a genuinely a great person. He wasn't a creep, he never did anything bad, never made anyone uncomfortable, everyone loved him. Had tons of friends but never changed who he was: a trench coat wearing autistic anime kid.

One time, during a coding class, he went up to ask our Korean professor a question. After she answered him, he bowed to her at a near perfect 90-degree angle and walked off.

During exam time, one of our professors said we could have a note sheet for the exam, but not to share the content of our note sheets to each other. Of course, lots of students did this to cover all bases for the upcoming exam. When my friend asked him if he wanted to share, he covers his eyes with both hands (nearly dropping his stuff in the process), and says "The professor asked us not to share. As per the agreement I made regarding academic integrity, I cannot share my notes with you!" and then SPRINTS down the hall and outside.

Another friend of mine asked a teaching assistant "Who would win, you with a sword or an angry gorilla?". Without missing a beat, Hubert interrupts saying "What kind of sword? Because if it was my katana, the gorilla stands no chance.". He then proceeded to show us his katana. Not a model, a real fucking katana.

I miss him, he was a blast to be around. I hope he's doing OK.

 

[Hey Johnny Bravo]

I'm not certain I would classify him as a lolcow, but I'm a fan of XENA MELINDA PAPPAS. He's basically a little Marwencol and I love this channel.

He appears to be an autistic man with a fixation on Xena: Warrior Princess, which he uses to vlog as his avatar. The majority of his videos feature his Xena dolls interacting with other toys and talking to the viewer, but they get pretty meta. For example: in the video below, Xena and Godzilla "fight," but it turns into an honest conversation between the two franchises rather than any real verbal argument or physical confrontation. He also opens the video by saying "how about we talk down here... where the light is better" (because he knows that's better for the camera), so the man shooting the videos understands what he's doing. The "conversations" make sense, so he's not psychotic.

He has 622 subscribers and around 1,400 videos. I haven't watched all of his videos but, from what I've seen, he does not have any offensive opinions and he is not threatening to anyone. The videos are presented as if Xena and the other toys are narrating. It's like this dude's own particular version of Xena is vlogging about her life, but it's obvious that this guy finds it more comfortable to communicate with the toys rather than as himself. There is this video that he does outside because his dogs wanted to go out and a heat wave in his area ended (the video is from last summer), so his dolls (he) wanted to do a video outside. He knows these are toys and spends a lot of time talking about toys in general, as well as his life, but speaks to the world through the dolls.

When he finds that a rose he took care of has died, likely due to the heat wave, he talks about it through his Gabrielle doll (another character from the Xena franchise). Either way, he doesn't seem too torn up about it and processes losing the plant by playing with the toys. Also, he reports that he did find the flying ring accessory lost in the above video.



He responds to every comment and I'm pleased to report that I've only ever seen positive comments.

In the video below, he (as Gabrielle) reviews Dave & Buster's. His room is clean and orderly, and he has many other toys - Xena is just his favorite one, and has been since he started the channel 11 years ago. That said, he does not have a glut of toys and does not exhibit any hoarding behaviour. You also get a sense of his idiosyncratic speech and vocabulary, talking about "film games making loudnesses."

The noise didn't seem to upset him, but he wants us to know that it's hard to hear inside due to all the commotion. It's a review, after all. He also refers to his location in very strange ways ("Homestead borough near," which I assume is Homestead, PA because he also talks about Pittsburgh in the video) and talks about Xena's (his) god-siblings and family going along. I've seen a few Jesus, Mary, and Joseph figures in his videos, so I think he comes from a very religious household. He also references a "housekeeper" named Philip, who may be his helper.

There are also videos like these where he's reviewing toys and complaining about their quality (or lack thereof).

He is very much like Patty Locke: autistic and weird, but interesting far more than amusing. He is certainly not worthy of scorn. I admit that, when I first saw his videos, I said out loud: "what the fuck is this?" As I watched more of his videos, though, I could not help but be charmed. I've thought about making a thread for him in Prospering Grounds, but he's not a cow and, to be frank, I don't think he deserves any mockery or laughter at his expense. He's just a dude making his way through the world from his own little dimension.

I hope you all find this person as charming as I did.

Oh, yeah, also he has several other channels for his other dolls, and he uses these accounts to communicate with each other. It's turtles all the way down with this guy and I love it.

Edit: lol I'm a retard and he already has a PG thread. Either way, this guy rules.

 

[Luna hates niggers]

I know a girl irl who goes by they them online (not in person) and makes really bad art, like really bad art. That's not why she's my personal lolcow. She's verbally abusive to her boyfriend (isolated him from his entire friend group, makes fun of him online, constantly belittles him and uses him for his money. Also has him finance everything for her including her degree), she constantly tells her small following about how much she hates his family and mother who passed away.

She pins lolicon art and follows lolicon artists on Pinterest and Instagram (she has a lot of public pins that depict really creepy art of little girls), constantly talks about how she self harms. Back when she tried to integrate herself into our friend group she was really creepy and obsessive to my boyfriend and when I told her to back off she tried to manipulate him and told people she would kill herself and then began isolating her own boyfriend from everybody.

She has no job and downgraded her arts degree because it was "too hard" and complains about how hard her life is and that her dad doesn't love her. Like I said her boyfriend finances her entire degree and she doesn't have to pay a dime for meals, travel or housing (she lives with her parents). She's very unlikeable as a person and always tries to make everything about herself and if her boyfriends friends don't want to do things that she does, she won't let him see them. Nobody wants to speak to them or hang out with them anymore.

 

[Fuck Fags I'm A Homophobe]

Melonie Mac is such a marginal case. My gut says that she will be shifting over to full blown cow as The Wall fully sinks in.

https://www.youtube.com/@MelonieMacGoBoom

* Runs around eating sticks of butter in bathing suits proclaiming the greatness of the carnivore diet.
* Got divorced without children. Now has gone full blown super-religious Catholic. (please ignore the divorce).
* Tattoos are slowly engulfing her entire body.
* Now Anti-porn, and anti-sexy video game characters, still has tons of pictures of herself in skin tight exercise clothes in the gym locker room.
* Calls gays faggots.
* Desperate for a godly Christian husband. Hates the her audience who simps for her and tries to meet her.
* Has shifted over to reading the bible to her boomer male audience post wall and post divorce.
* Has crazy eyes.

View attachment 7112991View attachment 7112992View attachment 7112993View attachment 7112994
So close to going cow, but not quite there.

And before anyone starts thirsting after her traps, this is what she looked like before she started slathering on the makeup.
View attachment 7113012View attachment 7113014

I have resorted to commenting on other cow's threads where she is mentioned to figure out bullshit like the reason for her divorce (husband cheated on her according to Melonie) and other drama.

meh. still would hit.

 

[Epikusername4]

found this "ccgameing" gem

already looks like 40 year old pedophile

 

[Zorgulon]

My uncle.

Never worked a job in his life and he's in his 60s.
Believes in a plethora of conspiracy theories.
Pathological liar.
Obese.

I still love him though.

I myself am probably a lolcow too tbh.

 

[dick tha master]

I guess she kind of qualifies as one (she's more of a grifter than a lolcow).

Meet Emma van Engelen, a former fashion model with an inflated ego, turned small "luxury" business owner who sells 3D printed trash. Her business advertises itself as "empovering for fat women", bold and revolutionary with a touch of greenwashing.



Archive
About her

Youtube
A short about her time in the fashion industry as a model.

Youtube

TikTok

(What are those outfits?)


Let's look at her "luxury" products themed around sea life (Ironic, considering these pieces will end up there in no time)
from her website. Remember these are made of PLA, which is not very durable. Or treated any further to make them more durable or better looking, only thing i have seen her do is apply varnish to earcuffs.


The Bag for 400€


Link
Archive


The Ring for 87€
€

Link
Archive

Some other "revolutionary" fashion pieces she created:

The Shoes

Youtube

And the Art Couture fashion pieces from a fashion show

Youtube
(Even by art fashion standards this looks bad.)


On 3D printing process from her website, she claims to use cutting-edge 3D printer for creating her pieces and biodegradable PLA,


(That whole website screams "generated by ChatGPT")
Website
Archive

Let's look at that printer closer,

Youtube

Youtube

After some quick searching, it looks like Bambu Lab A1 3D printer

Bambu Lab store
It's a good printer, but not "cutting edge" good.

And example of her craftmanship

Youtube

Pinned comment from same short

(ChatGPT generated comment)


She's not really a lolcow (heh, cow) yet, but could see her turn into one in the future. Sorry for sperging and insane sounding post.

Her socials:
Youtube(Archive)
TikTok(Archive)
Instagram(Archive)
Bhumiclothing(Archive)

 

[pizzahutcombo]

Tay Bankz/tismalla_hoodlegend/everydayweeatgood


This absolute fat fuck is a gluttonous beast that posts himself primarily on TikTok eating everyday. He has a couple catchphrases as well, the most known ones being "Tismillah," (a saying he said he created to be unique) and "everyday we eat good." While eating like a complete slob in the videos he posts they are also accompanied by the usual smoke alarm chirp every 10 seconds and heavy grunting and moaning throughout because of how fat he is.
This is his 3rd account on the site. I was not around for his first account so I am not sure how it got banned but his second account got terminated because he got rage-baited into saying a slur to a troll in a TikTok Live which triggered an automatic ban. He has gone full NEET mode as of recent at the same time as losing his previous account, I guess he just gave up completely once it got deleted because it was one of his main sources of income. He has a CDL license but decided to stop trucking and fully commit to content creation and making a fool out of himself. I don't really understand the point of leaving his job but I do remember that he posted a video about getting ticketed bawling his eyes out. I'm pretty sure he just lives with his mom and resents her. He was homeless for a little bit too I presume because his mom kicked him out but suddenly started making videos inside the same place again.


I hope you find him as entertaining as I do, the real tipping point for me was because of these two recent videos where he posted of himself eating a;
whole block of cheddar cheese:

and an entire takeout container's worth of bacon:

This one is especially crazy because he drips bacon grease on his stomach and just eats it off.

A couple memorable videos are where he gets a girl for some sort of collab video but it's painfully obvious that she's just using him, he also admits that he hasn't had sex in like 7 years
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE9NeY-_VD8
and this one where he calls 3 Chinese take out meals "3 foods" at the start
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIpZ4ow4Mv4

He goes on a "deep" tangent in the 3 foods video about how black people should give him money and ends up sounding like a complete retard.
Here an edit I made of it.

He is a very fascinating fellow.

Socials:
TikTok
YouTube
Twitch
Instagram
SoundCloud

 

[Benevenstanciano]

Here's a blast from the past: about a decade or so ago, I used to buy weed from Emo Chin Her 15 minutes of fame were already over by then, and she was actually pretty chill and cool.

 

[The greater a'tuin]

I do not know if this belongs here or anywhere, but I used to be familiar with someone named Michael Wesley Wilson / Metal875 (Wikia, DeviantArt) / Graced Gnome (YouTube). He was a big fan of Mario games, posted on battle-boarding communities about how Mario was the strongest character ever and could beat anyone in a fight, writing crazy blogs like this

If it looks like nonsense to you, it is pretty autistic even for someone familiar with the subculture. He was rather annoying honestly. Seems dumb but not quite noteworthy, right?

Well I noticed he had vanished years ago, so I checked it out to find that Michael and his brother stabbed their (adoptive) mother to death as she slept.

https://pvtimes.com/news/man-sentenced-for-killing-his-mother-89165/

https://www.reviewjournal.com/crime/homicides/pahrump-man-gets-life-sentence-for-killing-his-mother-2117139/

So I was loosely acquainted with an eventual murder... not certain how to feel about that.