Wheel of Time (Amazon Prime originals series) - It looks exactly like you expect

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

It's Friday, you know what that means.

No, not Mad at the Internet time...ITS SEASON 3 EPISODE 6 OF WHEEL OF TIME!

The Shadow in The Night.

Wait how many episodes are left in this Season.....wait there are 3 Episodes left? Jesus The Girls/Mat and Perrin basically haven't started their plots at all yet.

We start with a Flashback to Lil Liandrin because giving backstory to a Nobody Villain when we have to Speedrun the Tanicho Plot and Perrin's plot at the same time is totally worth the time..

Lil Liandrin has a fresh born baby...and the Pedophile Noble threatens it...She unlocks her channeling and kills them both (Wait didn't Liandrin say she was kicked out by the Father of the child when it was found out she was Preggo?) and somehow...this sex slave with no money (Good job not looting the place Liandrin) makes it Across the Continent to Tar Valon..



Oh...she just happens to go to sleep under the other half of the Domination Band..

And Ishamael shows up....which makes no sense in this version. In the Books Ishamael got to materialize because he only got partially sealed and would be able to materialize every couple of hundred years. Here the Seals are on Individual Forsaken so there is no way that Ishamael would be able to do that because his seal wouldn't be any weaker than the others.

Then we check in on Old Lady Liandrin who is in the World of Dreams, just to see her get bullied by Lanfear.
Liandrin reveals what they are really after to her other Black Sisters..hoping to ferret out if one of them is working for Ravhin
Mat and Co..start their search for the Black Ajah.

After that...we head to the Aiel Waste where Egwene is getting yelled at by The Wise Ones (and tells them she is not a full Aes Sedai..which is something that took books to come out..in a very great scene where Egwene decides that the opinion of the Wise Ones was more important to her than being called to The Rebel Aes Sedai town)

They basically tell her that she needs to trap Lanfear in Egwene's dreams because Lanfear is too strong to fight in the World of Dreams proper...and we check in on Moraine who is having a sleepy time..and gets sucked into the World of Dreams with Lanfear.

Rand gets to spend more time with the Little girl Aiel, and has a likeable moment...GUYS ONE OF THE CHARACTERS HAD A MOMENT WHERE THEY WERE LIKABLE..ITS A FUCKING MIRACLE. You know in a timeline where this show as given the care and love it deserves this actor could have been a good Rand.

Now we visit Perrin for 3 minutes (this show can not have a scene that lasts more than 3 minutes anymore i swear)

Oh right Perrin got stabbed like the cuck he is, and Allana the only actual healer around...is bleeding out.

We go back to Mat and Co....and OH GOD NO ITS THOM...HE DIDN'T ESCAPE THIS SHITHOLE SERIES EITHER...RUN THOM RUN!

Scene changes again..we see Black sisters and Moghiedian screwing around (The Spider is really being an autistic little shit in the show doing stupid shit like spitting in Liandrin's tea and tearing her panties up)

Scene Changes again..and we get Egwene and Lanfear facing off...for exactly two sentences.


HOLY FUCKING DICKBALLS, Somebody must have kicked Rafe in the face and told him to pretend to at least care about the Books, they finally after 3 seasons brought up that Saidin and Saidar are different things.

And then we get the thing where Rand causes an earthquake..that was in Book 3 and was in way different context...

Perrin is..healed...WELL THEN I GUESS LETHAL GUT WOUNDS CAN BE HEALED WITH HERBS NOW..WHO THE FUCK NEEDS YELLOW AJAH

And...Faile...reveals her mother is a Darkfriend...and tried to get her to become a darkfriend..then she told her Brother...and her mother killed her brother to hide that she is a Darkfriend and what the fucking hell? Why does Perrin get the wierdest shit attached to him sometimes?

We go back to Mat and Thom...and Elyane gets in trouble again...Thom bails her out...and we get a Musical Number.
I would complain here but you kinda need a Musical Number at some point with a Bard in the party...

.....Okay its a song about Tits I take it back this is terrible.

We go back to the Two Rivers...and Allana is dying (YAY) Mat's sisters come in...and SHE TALKS THEM THROUGH HEALING HER.
She talks two untrained children into one of the most dangerous weaves one can learn because if you fuck healing up it usually kills the Healee.

I see this episode has backloaded its fucking stupdidity..and is making up for the previous couple of episodes.

Back to Tanchico..where Mogedian uses compulsion (mind control) on Nyneave and Elyane to get information out of them and steal the plot macguffin that they just obtained.

Then we head back to Rand..and unless I miss my guess there will be a Trolloc attack in 3 2 1...Or we have a lover's spat between Egwene and Rand.

And then Samael (who I have to resist calling Flintheart Glomgold because of the accent) man shows up with the Shaido in tow.



OH MY GOD HE MAKES A GIANT ONE POWER HAMMER OUT OF HIS CANE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA



Then Aviendah shows up using Swords made of the one power...because You know how much Aiel LOVE SWORDS.

Flintheart does the big ole Thor Style Hammer into the ground smash and blows everyone out of the house...then Rand just Lightnings his ass like Thrall did to Garrosh a very long time ago in World of Warcraft...except Thrall didn't kill a child like Rand did.

Yeah that little girl that Rand was friends with? She was in the building that Rand just nuked. LMAO.

They skinwalk a scene from the books where Rand tries to revive a dead girl...and of course without Callendor it lacks the impact because Callendor is such a powerful Sa'angreal that if Rand went all out with it he could kill every Shadowspawn on the planet at the same time (The effort would kill him though..)

 

[WhoBusTank69]

HOLY FUCKING DICKBALLS, Somebody must have kicked Rafe in the face and told him to pretend to at least care about the Books, they finally after 3 seasons brought up that Saidin and Saidar are different things.

Alright, I'm impressed.

 

[Gender Fluids BLEVE]

lmao they killed Loial, again. Probably because he was the book stand-in for Robert Jordan.

 

[Computer God Autism]

lmao they killed Loial, again. Probably because he was the book stand-in for Robert Jordan.

I do hate how Loial practically disappeared for a whole book in favor of more scenes where Egwene's folding chair btfo'd her.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

lmao they killed Loial, again. Probably because he was the book stand-in for Robert Jordan.

Only the second weirdest thing to happen to him this season

 

[Foltest]

Wait, they killed Loial and this is not the first time?

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Wait, they killed Loial and this is not the first time?

"OH My Creator, they killed Loial!"
"You woolheads!"

 

[Elwood P. Dowd]

Loial didn't actually do anything in season 1 except stand around in his Napoleon Dynamite wig, so assuming this trend continued him being a Kenny from South Park stand-in is kinda, whatever.

 

[Computer God Autism]

Loial didn't actually do anything in season 1 except stand around in his Napoleon Dynamite wig, so assuming this trend continued him being a Kenny from South Park stand-in is kinda, whatever.

Since I'm assuming the writers understand that Loial was a stand-in for RJ I'm similarly assuming that this is another deliberate humiliation ritual against the source material.

 

[Gender Fluids BLEVE]

Wait, they killed Loial and this is not the first time?

in s1e8 he is killed with the shadar logoth dagger along with Ingtar, Masema, and Uno. He survives this by virtue of no one ever mentioning it again. Uno is later fucked to death with a metal dildo.

 

[WhoBusTank69]

Uno is later fucked to death with a metal dildo.

That pissed me off so much because 1.) I disagree with their decision and 2.) you can tell the actor loved playing him.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

That pissed me off so much because 1.) I disagree with their decision and 2.) you can tell the actor loved playing him.

And Uno survived the series iirc.

Edit : He didnt even get to meet Elyane and teach her swear words

 

[Computer God Autism]

And Uno survived the series iirc.

He disappeared for a good five or six books but Sanderson did remember he did exist. The last scene he was in iirc was him surviving Gareth's compulsed suicide cavalry charge across the river with him swimming out of it and Mat realizing that something was wrong. Given he wasn't mentioned in the same sequence that killed off the likes of Bashere and Hurin when Rand was fighting Shaitan it's safe to assume he survived.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

He disappeared for a good five or six books but Sanderson did remember he did exist.

That is because he didn't matter too too much, he got recruited by Bryne to help build his army.

The last scene he was in iirc was him surviving Gareth's compulsed suicide cavalry charge across the river with him swimming out of it and Mat realizing that something was wrong.

He was shown...way later after that...I swear he was Helping Guard the Cannons(dragons) and swore at a Rakken Rider who almost hit him with a stone carrying Orders...

And Swore at Mat who gave him orders he didn't understand.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Double Post time...cause its EPISODE 8 OF SEASON 3! (I almost put Season 4...cause this was in the 4th book)

Goldeneyes!

Are you ready to shove 1/3 of a book into a single 45 Minutes?

I FUCKING AM

Watching the recap I noticed that Bain and Chiad keep calling Perrin "Goldeneyes" despite the fact that the other Aiel do the whole "Use a person's full name unless you fucked them" thing from the books.

The Two Rivers is preparing for WAR



Then the Tinkers show up..because the Wiki pages says that is supposed to happen. It doesn't mean anything here because the Tinkers haven't shown up in forever in this series..unlike in the Book when Perrin takes the young men of the two rivers to hunt Trollocs and gets caught in an Ambush and has to shelter in the Tinker's wagons for a night..so them being taken in (after a trolloc attack) means something...

Wait a second...we haven't seen Lord Luc/Isam/Slayer ever since he was Introduced..that is like kind of Important because Slayer becomes Perrin's Arch Enemy through the series.

We continue to see the Two Rivers prepare for the Trolloc attack...and even Shit Skin Allana gets fucking tired of Two Rivers Bitches Being Girlbosses when the Cauthon Girls ask about Fireballs and Lightning.


OH MY GOD THAT LOOKS LIKE SHIT. They can't even get a Banner right.

They uh..need to get Faile some platform shoes, surprisingly she isn't the worst thing about the show (I kinda like her so far to be honest.) But she is Hobbit Sized.

Perrin and Faile meet with the Whitecloak that stabbed Perrin like 2 days ago, with Lord Luc around so we haven't completely forgotten he exists.


What the actual fuck, I thought we were gonna ignore them wanting to shag Loial?


And here is Perrin and Faile together, I dunno if they are making her look short or if she is..but bros...

We dick around with more character bullshit, nothing actually important aside from Faile being almost as short as a teenage girl.



The Trolloc army appears on the mountain side so the battle is immenent..and Perrin gives us this wonderful line

"Nobody can Run as fast as a Tinker"
to which the two Aiel Maidens both Cough very loudly..which made me grin because the Aiel would take offense to anyone saying they can be outran.
Perrin sends Loial and the Aiel off to close the waygate (Which was handled before the final battle in the Books)

Then we get a random musical number...to remind us that The Two Rivers was once Manatheren.

WAIT WHERE THE FUCK IS TAM AL THOR? We ain't seen him..if I thought this series would get to the actual Last Book I would be legitimately pissed that we are gonna miss out on Tam Al Thor being a top 5 Badass Swordman in the setting despite being 20 years out of practice and being at least in his 50s.

The battle begins..and we switch over to Loial and the Aiel..who attack the like 10 people gaurding the waygate.



Which in the Books Loial could take on himself. Ogier are the Ogers of the setting, when they actually go into battle they Crush Trollocs, and not even in the "Oh They are strong" No...Ogier pick trollocks up like dolls and fling them like they are children. In the Third Book Loial defended a group of women and children from Trollocs and Myydraal by himself and basically came out of the fight Unharmed.

Also this is true for the Aiel chicks, either of them could probably take like 10 random nobodies and a couple of Trollocs, in Book 3 an Aiel named Gaul beat the shit out of 10 Whitecloaks unarmed after being in a cage for days.

Allana casts a hailstorm spell that calls down razor sharp ice fragments..not gonna lie that is kind cool...then catches another arrow (bitch be a real pincushon) but this one is a Trolloc Arrow so instead of..being like in her arm its through her entire body...

Then the whitecloaks show up with Fain in tow...and Fain instantly attacks with no time for Borhnald to be like "Wait that Nigger is a Darkfriend? WHAT?"

The battle goes poorly enough that the Tinkers are told to Flee...but a Trolloc Chases them so Aram..does the Manly thing and kills the goatfaced fucker to defend a BABY. I know that the series is gonna harp on him giving up the way of the leaf...but the guy is literally carrying a baby.

Perrin gains a level and takes Dual Wield Specalization so now he can use his axe and his hammer..and uses his temporary leveling Buff to carve through a bunch of badguys.

We visit Loial who is in the ways trying to shut down the Waygate to prevent reinforcements...but he fails so instead he just collapses the platform it is on...and falls to his death, which makes the Waygate explode.

Perrin pins down Padan Fain..and forces him to call off the attack..because that is SO MUCH COOLER than what happened in the books where the neighboring Villages showed up to save the day. By the way..unless Fain is one of the Forsaken he ain't commanding no Trollocs.

The day after the Battle The Whitecloaks show up to arrest Perrin..and that ends his part of this season I guess. Perrin getting lead off in chains with Loial stealing Rand's description of Perrin from A Memory of Light (Guess we ain't getting there LUL)

One more episode in the season..lets see how stupid it can get.

 

[SouthernBitchBob]

I know we're 20ish years into Pozztopia, but every single time it still takes me straight out of immersion when every untrained teenage mallrat girl and washerwoman is a secret 15th level ninja/barbarian with fiercer fighting skills than any similarly untrained man.

 

[SouthernBitchBob]

On this week's episode of Rafe Hates This Series And Is Filming His Own Fanfiction: let's continue murdering characters with important future plot arcs because it'll make God-Empress Egwene look better if she can girlboss it all herself with no help. :barf: :puke: :hate:

 

[Just Hamsters]

Lol at tranny keeper.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Lol at tranny keeper.

Thats not how the one power works!

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

Double post because it is time.

Season 3 Episode 8

"OH LAWD HE COMIN WITH THE DAWN HE A CUMING HE A CUMING IN DAT DAWN!!!!!"

Of course we start the season finale...where Rand gains the loyalty of the Aiel...WITH A FLASHBACK TO TAR VALON..its not like we don't have 3 storylines to wrap up in this shit show of an episode or anything...

Elaida exits a Red Stone...Doorway and looks at her wrists..she is confronted by Alviarin who tells her that was a stupid ass thing to do because beyond it is the land of the Finn, the Aelfin and the EelFin, the Aelfin will answer any 3 questions you pose to them truthfully if cryptically, the Eelfin grant any 3 requests...at a price.


Oh god....



Basically we see Siuan cuck Elaida out of the big seat, then we see Elaida trying to overthrow Siuan in the current day..

Then we move to Rand in the Three Fold Land. He is having a BIG SAD cause he accidentally killed a little girl (because she was sleeping in a room above him for some reason...)

and we see Flintheart Glomgold is still alive and Moraine interrogates him



DO YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I GOT THESE SCARS

Then Moraine...threatens Samael into teaching Rand...which is the dumbest fucking idea possible. There are 2 people who despised the Dragon when he was Lews Therin...one of them is Samael. In the book forcing one of the Forsaken to teach Rand (which was Rand's idea not Moraine's) worked because the character Rand chose was a fucking pussy ass bitch coward so pushing him into a Corner worked.

Samael would try to kill Rand at every point he could, the only worse person Moraine could have chosen for this is Demandred...because he makes Samael look like a candle compared to a sun when it comes to hating Lews Therin.

Of course Demandred would do it..just so that Rand were at his strongest when Demandred killed him because he and Lan are the two biggest Chads of the Books.

Then we go to Tanchico..to check in on the Black Sisters...by the way we are ten minutes in and this is like the 4th Scene change...

Moghedien gives the part of the Domination Band she stole from the Girls 2 episodes ago to Liandrin..presumably to make her go get the collar, then we see Mat and Nyneave where Mat fails to use Chopsticks...while Nyneave uses them perfectly (unlike in the books where Nyneave fails at it pretty hard) and Nyneave just FUCKING HAPPENS TO SEE Liandrin, just conveniently walking in the giant city....FUCK I HATE THIS SHOW.

Well actually Mat is there...and random shit just happening is his Tav'eren power so I guess if Mat is around I can't bitch too much..he would just Randomly run into Liandrin by accident...

We switch scenes to Lanfear and Rand...Rand breaks up with her because Lanfear is a fucking Psychotic bitch..then Egwene shows up and yeets the Daughter of the Night, the Moonhunter...The Woman Wolves Fear to fuck with in the world of dreams which is the domain of the Wolves..away.

after less than a season of training in the World of Dreams Egwene is stronger than the strongest woman to ever walk it.....even Book Egwene never fucked with Lanfear, we get blueballed on an action scene...and we switch scenes back to Tanchico

The Girls, Mat and Thom are all going to the palace...despite Thom saying "Fuck that shit" an episode ago..but the plot requires him to be around for later books.

Then we switch scenes again...and Moghedien kills Samael

Now we watch Rand and Rhuarc talk about how Rand will convince the Aiel to follow him..and Rand brings up what he saw..because we have to halfass the second best Sequence in Book 4 now. Rand didn't plan letting the secret out....he did it as a response to someone else trying to say he was the Ca'ra'carn and having the double dragons on his arms..and Rand was incredibly sad about being forced into doing it...but he knew it had to be.

Lanfear sets up the Shaido arc by engraving dragons on Couladin's arms.


I love the Royal Palace having shitty half broken wooden doors, 10/10 set design.

WHO WILL FIND THE DOMINATION BAND FIRST
THE TEAL TAV'EREN
THE BLACK BEETLES
OR THE FUCHSIA FORSAKEN (I assume Moghedien is here too)
FIND OUT ON THIS WEEKS

LEGENDS OF THE HIDDEN TEMPLE WITH YOUR HOST KIRK FOGG

The contestants fight each other....while wandering around Lost.
Liandrin attempts to put together the Silver Monkey but gets pissed off and just Balefires it...to the cheers of everyone because FUCK THAT STUPID THING.

Mat...accidentally passes into the land of the Fin...LMAO.



Its...Furry Pennywise!!!!!!!!!

Nyneave and Elayne have run ins with Forsaken...Elayne kills the fuck out of one with a Balefire shooting Ter'angreal..and we learn what balefire does...it undoes the actions of people who are killed with it.

Now one might ask "What happens if you kill some one who just killed someone else with Balefire?"

and that Kiwis is why people stopped using it. Except for Rand...but to be fair it is really the only good way to kill One of the Forsaken in the books, after all the Dark One can throw souls into new bodies so killing someone before they die keeps them from grabbing their souls.

Mat gets his 3 boons from the Eelfin..to be done with all this magic, to fix his memories..and to get the fuck out of here...of course the Eelfin get to take a price..which is Mat getting removed from the Red Door...by way of a Noose around his neck.

He appears right infront of an Aes Sedai...being hanged and this bitch doesn't fucking question it one bit. Min uses her billion levels in sneak to sneak up on the Evil Aes Sedai and knocks her the fuck out..and does the most halfassed CPR ever on him.

This was much cooler when Rand did it...especially cause he didn't use the power.


Cool, Mat's famous medallion looks like fucking shit.

Oh that is an unfortunate line to have with this angle lady, Your Chin is sharp enough that it could be used to deflect Balefire.



OH...oh we are doing this bit already? AND LAN ISNT EVEN HERE TO HELP HER? Fucking Hell show...this is 5 Books to early for Nyneave to break her block. Nyneave has a flashback to her fake kid...and levels up..taking the perk that counteracts her block and allowing herself to channel. She parts the sea like JESUS (Hi its Easter week btw, nice week to damn yourself people involved with the show).

Then we go to Rand, really Lan first...who gets tipped off on Lanfear's plan by the Malkiari Aiel chick who is actually a Dark Friend..who breaks her Oaths to the shadow so she dies.

Rand prepares to face the Aiel
Moraine Prepares to face Lanfear.

Then we go to the Tower, to find that Siuan has been overthrown by Elaida, and Siuan gets cut off from the power permanently...which they made into a boring ass CGI fest.

Various factions among the forsaken start to be formed,
Liandrin and Moghedien,
Lanfear and Ravhin.
Demandred and Pure Chad Energy
Nick Rekeita and The Balldo.

Rand begins his Epic Crap Battle of history with Couladin...and Lanfear goes after Moraine.

Both conflicts end up shitty, doubly so because Siuan fucking keeps cutting in and trying to be important, and the season ends with a fucking fart.
Moraine uses Sakarhnan to overpower Lanfear who bitches out with the True Power
Rand makes it rain and that proves he is the Car'a'carn.

And thus season 3 is over, and I am free...I am free...until they announce a Season 4..which they ain't gonna fucking do. There ain't now way this fucking shit show has gotten enough veiwership to continue.