How so? The point is that when people twist themselves into "what if?" "Maybe he/ she..." "But he/she said...."!"Well, [rationalization x 1 million]," it's time to wake up and stop filling in blanks with wishful thinking.
If a person wants to be with you/ treat you well/ put in effort/ etc., then they would be doing it, and you wouldn't be miserable or confused. If they're not, then they don't, so wake up and see it for what it is. And issa no.
I think it makes more sense when you expand it, and from my understanding it essentially means "if they wanted to be the person you want/need them to be, they would already be the person you want/need them to be." In other words, "If they were going to do the things you want/need them to do for you, they would already be doing or trying to do it under their own prerogative."
In other words, for a practical example, assume a stereotypical feminine perspective between 2 hypothetical people in a relationship. The moid is being completely disinterested in anticipating her needs. It's not in his "inner nature" (or whatever you want to call it) to anticipate her needs. If he wanted to do those for things for her, he would: he doesn't optimize her lifestyle for their mutual benefit at all. So, this would be bad.
ADDENDUM: I just sat back down before posting and they said it much better than I did lol.
How so? The point is that when people twist themselves into "what if?" "Maybe he/ she..." "But he/she said...."!"Well, [rationalization x 1 million]," it's time to wake up and stop filling in blanks with wishful thinking.(..)
If a person wants to be with you/ treat you well/ put in effort/ etc., then they would be doing it, and you wouldn't be miserable or confused. If they're not, then they don't, so wake up and see it for what it is. And issa no.
In other words, for a practical example, assume a stereotypical feminine perspective between 2 hypothetical people in a relationship. The moid is being completely disinterested in anticipating her needs. It's not in his "inner nature" (or whatever you want to call it) to anticipate her needs. If he wanted to do those for things for her, he would: he doesn't optimize her lifestyle for their mutual benefit at all. So, this would be bad.
Flipping all this around, too, it doesn't even make the other person "a dick" or whatever. Sure, sometimes that's true, and sometimes it makes leaving easier if you think of the other person as a "bad person", but realistically speaking, sometimes two people just don't work together.
How so? The point is that when people twist themselves into "what if?" "Maybe he/ she..." "But he/she said...."!"Well, [rationalization x 1 million]," it's time to wake up and stop filling in blanks with wishful thinking.
If a person wants to be with you/ treat you well/ put in effort/ etc., then they would be doing it, and you wouldn't be miserable or confused. If they're not, then they don't, so wake up and see it for what it is. And issa no.
I meant the quote by itself since it could be interpreted in different ways.
For instance, you narrowed it down to a nuanced scenario. Yet, for instance someone could go "Oh, I sent her/him a text and hour ago and she/ he hasn't replied back. I'm doing all the work here. If they wanted to, they would."
Can it be a good advise? Sure. Can it be erroneously interpreted by certain people? Also, yes.
What advice or suggestions would you give towards men when writing female characters, particularly in a romantic context? (doesn't matter if it's a game, movie, book, etc.)
What advice or suggestions would you give towards men when writing female characters, particularly in a romantic context? (doesn't matter if it's a game, movie, book, etc.)
Well I think it kind of matters what you want to do with the character. For example the main female lead will get a lot more focus and depth vs a side character that happens to be female. I think as long as you consider the "why" behind what the female characters do, you will be fine for the most part. Then like all romance you just need to ensure that you show that both characters enjoy each other. I think a lot of men focus more on their own enjoyment of the woman so that's detailed really well. But because they don't really show the woman enjoying the man, she ends up rather flat and doesn't have a compelling reason to like the male lead.
Though this is general advice, if you are struggling with something more specific I could try to give more pointed advice.
I don’t think many straight regular men have instagram accounts ‘for fun’ unless it’s sports teams, hobbies or business. I do use instagram (it’s getting much worse recently) because I like looking at other people’s allotments and stuff and thinking about it almost all the female run accounts are similar (post a few things of their dog/allotment/handcrafts etc) but all the men’s in my follow list are businesses, obsessive hobbies, or work. I don’t think I follow any men’s accounts where the account is like mine
I don’t think many straight regular men have instagram accounts ‘for fun’ unless it’s sports teams, hobbies or business. I do use instagram (it’s getting much worse recently) because I like looking at other people’s allotments and stuff and thinking about it almost all the female run accounts are similar (post a few things of their dog/allotment/handcrafts etc) but all the men’s in my follow list are businesses, obsessive hobbies, or work. I don’t think I follow any men’s accounts where the account is like mine
Mid late gen x. Yeah I suspect you’re right. Most men my age would look at you as if you’d accused them of being gay if you asked if they had an instagram
Mid late gen x. Yeah I suspect you’re right. Most men my age would look at you as if you’d accused them of being gay if you asked if they had an instagram
What advice or suggestions would you give towards men when writing female characters, particularly in a romantic context? (doesn't matter if it's a game, movie, book, etc.)
Remember that women are people, and I mean that brutally. I'm not just being progressive or whatever. I mean when writing scenes between people, think about what the characters are feeling in their body.
Is she dehydrated? Hungry? Tired? All these things change how everyone acts, but I notice sometimes when people struggle writing women it's sometimes because they're (unintentionally) putting women into the category of "Thing to be acted upon".
You don't even need to bring it up in the story, just be aware of it when writing. You don't need to have her say "Oh I'm sorry Mr. Protagonist. I didn't get much sleep last night." it's enough to mentally go "Ok, at this point in the story Mr. Protagonist is heading out to his job, but Ms. Love-Interest was up last night with a sick dog who kept puking on her floor. Mr. Protagonist doesn't need to know that, but I should write her lines as a little more tired/fatigued as a result."
What advice or suggestions would you give towards men when writing female characters, particularly in a romantic context? (doesn't matter if it's a game, movie, book, etc.)
Unironically, the best advice I can give is to convince yourself that you're not writing a woman. The best female characters are the ones written in much the same way as their counterparts and just happen to be female—most bad female characters in modern media are bad because they're female first, character second. The weird "I'm writing a woman" mentality can be hard to shake, but will serve you well. They're not aliens. They're people.
I don’t think many straight regular men have instagram accounts ‘for fun’ unless it’s sports teams, hobbies or business. I do use instagram (it’s getting much worse recently) because I like looking at other people’s allotments and stuff and thinking about it almost all the female run accounts are similar (post a few things of their dog/allotment/handcrafts etc) but all the men’s in my follow list are businesses, obsessive hobbies, or work. I don’t think I follow any men’s accounts where the account is like mine
Unironically, the best advice I can give is to convince yourself that you're not writing a woman. The best female characters are the ones written in much the same way as their counterparts and just happen to be female—most bad female characters in modern media are bad because they're female first, character second. The weird "I'm writing a woman" mentality can be hard to shake, but will serve you well. They're not aliens. They're people.
What advice or suggestions would you give towards men when writing female characters, particularly in a romantic context? (doesn't matter if it's a game, movie, book, etc.)
Depends on the genre as I said above but:
1) Getting as many female beta readers as you can and insisting they be brutally honest.
2) Reading romance written by women that is close or as close as you can get to your genre (if your female character is the main one, find romance with a female main character).
Romance is one thing that men and women approach in some very different ways. Obviously there are some through lines; everyone wants to be loved and respected, almost everyone has some sort of sex drive, etc. But the way in which men and women conceptualize and express these needs is often very different. What makes a man feel needed is very different from what makes a woman feel needed. What makes a man feel safe is very different from what makes a woman feel safe. And so on. If this woman and the romance is a minor part of the story then my advice still stands, but you don't have to spend as much time and energy on it.
Writing and writing critique is a passion of mine so if you want to DM about this more in depth, feel free.
Shave the neck beard, keep what's actually growing on your face/the underside of your chin. Invest in some sort of beard balm. Make sure to trim even if the goal is to grow it out long, it'll help with hair growth and it will just look less messy generally. If you find your beard/mustache is growing in patchy...give up and try again in a couple years.
Similar advice with head hair. Condition the ends, maybe do a deep conditioning mask every once in a while. Even if you want to grow it out long, be sure to get it trimmed every once in a while because having a ton of split ends does not look good or feel good. Look into actual hairstyles for long hair, just letting it grow out is fine and all but it will look a lot more intentional if you actually look into styles for it.
Shave the neck beard, keep what's actually growing on your face/the underside of your chin. Invest in some sort of beard balm. Make sure to trim even if the goal is to grow it out long, it'll help with hair growth and it will just look less messy generally. If you find your beard/mustache is growing in patchy...give up and try again in a couple years.
Similar advice with head hair. Condition the ends, maybe do a deep conditioning mask every once in a while. Even if you want to grow it out long, be sure to get it trimmed every once in a while because having a ton of split ends does not look good or feel good. Look into actual hairstyles for long hair, just letting it grow out is fine and all but it will look a lot more intentional if you actually look into styles for it.
That's fair. I went ahead and also shaved some of bottom of my jaw to make it not look continuous as with my neck, trimmed it and layered it a bit (with diagonal cuts, like / / / /) to make the shape more neat regardless of how it's laying, front back and sides.
The sides aren't patchy but they're a bit thin, I thinned them out further so they're at least consistent. And I was a bit more thorough about the part next to the ear, so it won't look like any hair is growing straight out my ears.
Kind of a two-in-one question:
How much should a guy be over his ex before re-entering the dating pool?
Like, obviously should be over her in terms of not having any feelings or wants for her, but should it be at a point where the ex doesn't elicit any emotion at all or?
Asking because while I was/am over the relationship as a whole, finding out she cheated for between 8-12 months not too long ago just filled me with anger I've never felt before.
Second question & related to this:
How do you specifically deal with anger of being cheated on?
I ask this here because the guys I've spoken to have such a different way of thinking etc that their advice doesn't really work for me.
I figured getting another perspective would help, because at the moment it's unbearable, I have to keep occupied and distracted otherwise my mind goes over all the stuff she's said and done while knowing full well there was another guy.
And there's a lot there, months upon months upon months of daily interactions, things big and small, so acknowledging the anger and everything just keeps me angry 24/7 with no end in sight.
First, I’m sorry you got cheated on, betrayal is a terrible feeling to have to work through. I’m sorry that burden was placed on you, but now it’s your responsibility to deal with it.
Like, obviously should be over her in terms of not having any feelings or wants for her, but should it be at a point where the ex doesn't elicit any emotion at all or?
It’s okay to have some emotions about it, and I would think it’s fine if, say, 20 years in the future, you wistfully recall this time of your life and remember how bad it hurt you. I’m not sure how old you are, but as someone who was a fully-fledged adult at half of my current age, trauma can be worked through, but you always remember “oh yeah, that was terrible.”
And there's a lot there, months upon months upon months of daily interactions, things big and small, so acknowledging the anger and everything just keeps me angry 24/7 with no end in sight.
But the answer to your question is in that statement. You need to acknowledge your anger until you’re not angry anymore, and that’s when you should consider dating again. Insecurity and anger are some of the most unattractive qualities in males because it makes them dangerous to us, and you’ll only attract victims, if you’re lucky, or someone looking to take advantage of your sadness (which it seems maybe you haven’t acknowledged yet). Emotions are tricky little things and while you might feel a lot of anger, it’s very possible the anger is covering up a chasm of sadness or fear.
If your primary emotion is sadness, betrayal, heartbreak, the real “I can’t do shit about this” emotions, you may cope by letting anger take over as a secondary emotion because anger is active and powerful and can actually feel good, like, “I’m not taking this laying down!” You can tell me you have felt no sadness about this, but I really am not inclined to believe you, most people get sad when their beloved cheats or leaves. Until you can say sadness is the main thing you feel, you should absolutely stay away from dating other women. I’m not saying sadness makes you stable or anything, but at least you’re less dangerous (and I’m mostly concerned for the women you’ll date, not you, sorry, but them’s the breaks).
The sadness (and I’m simplifying, I don’t know exactly what you’re experiencing but there are only so many emotions and “sadness” is a good enough bucket for now) is the thing you need to work through, and you’ll be like a hot potato until you get to the point where the anger has subsided and the sadness is what’s been exposed. There’s no time frame for any of this. It could be weeks if you’re super emotionally intelligent, why not, but it’ll probably take months to years to get through this, given your current pace.
You don’t, really. You acknowledge that the anger is a coverup for being hurt, and then you deal with that. You’ll have to ask yourself “how did I get into such a vulnerable position?” And the answer to that could scare the shit out of you, or it could give you the resolve to move forward with a better understanding of your strengths and weaknesses. Hopefully both.
I’ve never been cheated on, but many years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who physically abused me. We don’t need to get into too many specifics, but I didn’t date for several years after that because I had to figure out what drew me to that situation, and how I got to be so vulnerable. Yes, it was his fault for abusing me, but I still had to address why I was attracted to him/the relationship with him in the first place. That hurt at first because I could see how my “love language” was turned against me, but it let me understand what my true vulnerability was, and it put me in a better position to avoid it later. However, some of the things I do to avoid being put back in that position could have a negative effect on future relationships (like always maintaining my own apartment, for example), and I’ll probably have to work on that with my boyfriend/husband.
I recently started dating someone whose wife cheated on him after 15 years of marriage and three kids together. I can tell he’s still worried about being cheated on, even if he’s moved past the anger and mostly shows sadness/fear (it’s been about a decade), and I recognize it’s something for me to be aware of when being careful with his feelings, but also it’s something for me to worry about if he starts to get controlling or possessive. People are complicated and relationships amplify their complications.
Be aware of this hurt and don’t be afraid to mention it in the future, but don’t make it someone else’s responsibility. Like a person who was taught shitty eating habits as a child and now they’re a fat adult, yeah, your parents fucked you up, but now it’s your turn to deal with it the right way or not. You can’t really blame your parents when you develop diabetes at 30 years old.
Don’t feed the anger. Acknowledge it until it disgusts you and then you’ll be getting somewhere, but be prepared for the real hurt to begin at that point. If you need to go live alone in the woods for a while, that’s okay.
Kind of a two-in-one question:
How much should a guy be over his ex before re-entering the dating pool?
Like, obviously should be over her in terms of not having any feelings or wants for her, but should it be at a point where the ex doesn't elicit any emotion at all or?
Asking because while I was/am over the relationship as a whole, finding out she cheated for between 8-12 months not too long ago just filled me with anger I've never felt before.
Second question & related to this:
How do you specifically deal with anger of being cheated on?
I ask this here because the guys I've spoken to have such a different way of thinking etc that their advice doesn't really work for me.
I figured getting another perspective would help, because at the moment it's unbearable, I have to keep occupied and distracted otherwise my mind goes over all the stuff she's said and done while knowing full well there was another guy.
And there's a lot there, months upon months upon months of daily interactions, things big and small, so acknowledging the anger and everything just keeps me angry 24/7 with no end in sight.
When you stop needing to distract yourself from her/ what happened, that's a start to the beginning of thinking about being ready to possibly maybe test the waters again.
And tbh if you're going over months of interactions repeatedly and are angry, then yeah, stick your head in the sand for 6 months or a year to work through that stuff and let it ease.
Might be helpful to chat with a professional, sincerely. For situational things like this, they can sometimes help things process through and out more quickly and with less scarring than doing it alone.
And whenever you do date again, remember that whomever you date next should not be made to pay the price for the last one. If you find yourself doing that, pull back and wait longer.
Eta that what @No Thank You v 2.0 said about (eventually, once rage and betrayal has subsided a bit) exploring your own mindset going into that relationship or being in it. That is not to suggest any blame-shifting, but it is worth examining whether we might be unknowingly putting ourselves into vulnerable positions that someone else might not have - and how we got there. If it just happened, nbd, but if examination suggests opportunities to shore up anything internally, that's a good thing, too.
