RaineG3 480 points 12 hours ago
If you look at lesbian conversations, it’s a pretty universal experience for any lesbian. By that I mean as a woman you could literally shave your head and men will still approach you and lesbians will still be nervous to engage. It’s less of a trans thing and more of a “being a woman in a cishet society” thing
[–]cagedoralonlymaid 39 points 5 hours ago
This. It‘s even meme fuel how much gay panic there is for women to approach each other. Also my friend tells me how exhausting it is lowkey flirting just to find out, that they have a boyfriend.
Edit: I couldnt tell because im too damn stupid and anxious to flirt.
]NiSidach 28 points 10 hours ago*
I suspect if you are young then you have a good chance of success finding love and community as a Transbian.
I'm 68 and transitioned 25 years ago, and women I meet, tend to see me as a woman. In my experience, Cis women who express interest in me are later turned off when they learn I am trans.
And those women who are not, typically are just interested in hooking up and because I'm Black, they assume I haven't had bottom surgery and get upset because I don't have what they were looking for.
My last date with a Cis woman blew up when she got impatient with me and said, "I don't get it, you don't act much like a stud," to which I said, "Have I said anything that would make you believe I identify as a stud?" She said, "You have to be, you're trans."
I have seen Black Trans lesbians online, mostly age 30 or less, but in real life and online, I have never met any Trans Lesbians of my generation.
As recently as last week, when I visited the Oakland LGBTQ Center, and no shade, but the very supportive staff member who interviewed me said they had never heard of Trans Lesbians.
Anyway, I don't invest time in actively looking for a community that includes anyone like me because it seems like a painful and useless exercise, and I hope that my entire life isn't defined by this one part of who I am.
And this comment chain here:
PleaseSmileJessie 8 points 12 hours ago
I can't say much else than... If you exit boy mode, and embrace that you're a lesbian, you'll be seen as a lesbian. It sounds a bit harsh and ignorant, but like... You're boy moding. Why would you expect to connect with people who don't like... boys?
It just doesn't make sense, sorry.
I'm out, I don't boymode, I get read as a woman by women, I don't pass at all. It really is that simple. And here I'm not talking about whether or not you CAN realistically quit boymoding. I'm not shaming you for anything at all. I'm just saying that your expectations are unrealistic if you're boymoding. If you can't not boymode for various reasons, that's SO fair. But then you can't go around feeling hurt that people accept your boymoding at face value.
It sucks hun, it really does, but that's how it works. You're not in the grey space by coincidence. You're there by choice, and you walked in yourself.
[–]Givent0fly 3 points 11 hours ago
Thanks for your reply, but I think you misunderstood where I’m coming from.
I’m not expecting the world to bend to me while I stay unchanged. I’m sharing a real, vulnerable experience about how femininity is perceived, how visibility works, and how hard it is to feel unseen — even while going through real transformation.
"Boymode" isn’t some costume I wear to trick people. It's part of a process — a complex one — that many of us go through for personal, emotional, and safety reasons. Dismissing someone’s pain because they’re not yet presenting the way you expect is not empathy, it’s gatekeeping.
Here’s what really confuses me: If men can already notice something feminine in me and respond to it — then why wouldn’t a lesbian woman be able to see it too? I’m not chasing validation. I’m questioning how perception works, and what it says about how people read gender and desire. It’s not about passing perfectly. It’s about being seen as real.
And yes — there are butch women, masc lesbians, femmes, and everything in between. Lesbians aren’t a monolith, and attraction isn’t reserved only for a single kind of presentation.
I didn’t post this looking for judgment — I posted because I’m searching for connection, for honesty, for others who’ve felt the same. That deserves kindness, not a lecture.
[–]goingabout 4 points 11 hours ago
tbh i had opposite experience as i transitioned. women picked up on my queerness and became friendlier towards me. men i assume just see me as fruity.
it’s only been recently as i’ve started to pass that i get weird vibes for ex going into the men’s locker room.
[–]PleaseSmileJessie 1 point 11 hours ago
I'm not dismissing your pain though. I'm telling you that where you're at, your expectations are too high. This is kindness. I'm pointing out that you're hurting yourself by expecting something unrealistic.
Men and women also often handle attraction differently. Men show you interest, women question themselves to oblivion if "that was a sign or I'm crazy". Like this is very stereotypical, but literally. Women are often socialized to hold back, and question EVERYTHING. Most of all ourselves.
Of course there are lots of exceptions and outliers, but... You're unlikely to see many signs of attraction unless a confident butch takes a liking to you. And that's yet another stereotype.
Like if you asked my partner how she shows me she's attracted to me... She'd be like "I make her a cup of tea and pick out her favorite chocolates from our chocolate box".
Perceiving that as attraction is... Well to me that is only perceived that way because I know that's how she shows she's attracted to me lol.
[–]Fancy_Chips 3 points 9 hours ago
Out of all the demographics I've dated lesbians have been the meanest to me. Bisexuals have always been way more chill.
) cities and towns would change the lamppost banners to pride flags similar to how they change em to winter theme ones around Christmas. (Eg Needham Pride!) big vinyl pride banners out front of grocery stores and Walgreens… Pride theme junk mail from my supported charities… (“Pride at Animal Rescue League of Boston!” *shows pictures of dogs wearing gay flag bandanas*) 
