can't explain it, I just don't feel like there's a place for me
I live in essentially the trans capital of the world, there's trans people every time I go out and yet I feel really goddamn alone. most of my social circle is cis or closeted enby; I'm the only person I really know on T. I occasionally interact with other transmascs and get really excited, but I never want to bring up the common denominator. I've been on T for a year and a half but idk if they clock it, and I don't want them to feel clocked or fetishized. I just want to feel like more than an endangered zoo animal
I don't know how to interact with people. I wait for others to approach me. I get in my head about what to say/ask and kick myself when I take a chance and leave feeling awkward. I'm definitely uncanny to people, and no one seems to know how to interact with me. I can never tell if I'm staring or not; I have awful auDHD. femme presenting people never compliment me anymore. I feel weird and perverted ever looking anyone's direction, even when I'm just studying outfits. (big fashion head) I clench when my loved ones use he/him for me, even though I really appreciate it. it feels like i haven't earned it yet. coworkers keep asking me what I go by now, and it's really awkward having these check ins.
I transferred locations trying to start fresh but a large handful of acquaintances followed suit
I cant stop thinking about halloween. I spent forever on my costume, scrambled to a bar after work and just stood in the middle of everyone's friend clusters. I watched people run past me to reunite with others and I just stood there. I felt like everyone could feel my discomfort, or like I was making people uncomfortable by being awkward. I just didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't tell if my shape was too feminine or not. I left, tangled in so many other possible ideas, and ultimately chose nothing but a rainy walk home. I thought about karaoke but
my vocal range has been so goddamn shot. karaoke fills me with envy and alienation now; it used to just be a fun outlet that felt good and I could brunt a lot of the misgendering from inside the closet
I'm dating someone but I don't think I'm really sexually interested in them anymore. I don't know what to do and I'm trying to rekindle it but it's all falling apart. they want more than I can supply, but I still have a ravenous drive on my own time. I want to love them but after medical trauma I'm struggling to find my way back into my body
my mom is moving back to town after being gone for a couple years and I've since started socially/medically transitioning. I'm really dreading grappling with her, even though she knows and accepts me as much as she knows how. she visited and corrected herself on my pronouns and squeezed me in a hug. I just feel uncomfortable putting her through this
I wanted to go outside today but I got really in my head about how ugly I feel. it always takes me 30 minutes minimum to get dressed because nothing fits right on my body and nothing helps me pass but nothing fulfills me creatively. I was supposed to do chores if I stayed inside but I'm just so overwhelmed when everything needs to get done and it's so much easier to just rot
I also can't tell if I'm balding or not haha, really cherry on top