Owls Owls Owls
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 1, 2022
Heterosexual disabled trans leftist couple that LARPs as each other's genders is going through a rough patch: After he lost his job and insurance, and therefore access to titty skittles, the only way he can stop from killing himself is by gaming all day.
Reddit / Archive
She's one of those freaks that enjoys the trans label for the sake of it.
At least she's employed, I guess.
Freak.
Reddit / Archive
TW: sex, suicidal ideation, dysphoria,
My partner is transfem and the most amazing beautiful person I’ve ever met; I would go to the ends of the earth for her. I want to be hers forever and ever. A year ago she lost her health insurance and access to therapy; all of her necessary meds are so expensive now. We’ve been doing this song and dance trying to re-qualify for care, and in the meantime the love of my life has been spiraling into a deep depression, feeling intense dysphoria, and can barely look in the mirror. They still have access to HRT but with the state of the world (we’re disabled trans leftists in the US, for what it’s worth) and her mental health, finances, life shit- they’re suicidal and they are struggling so much every day. She stays at home and plays games, she lives in a state of disrepair, she has a hard time doing things to take care of herself. She is frequently overstimulated and has little capacity to reach out or be affectionate. She constantly doomscrolls because a moment alone with her mind sends her spiraling into extremely dark thoughts. She can’t even watch TV or movies with me because it’s not stimulating enough (she plays games and also listens to actual play shows and MtG games at the same time so there is no moment of silence at all). We stopped having regular sex months and months ago and she doesn’t like me touching her genitals at all anymore, only sometimes her breasts are okay but she doesn’t like them to be erotically stimulated at all, she doesn’t like to bottom or top, she doesn’t like to be caressed, rarely she’ll use her hands to get me off, but she doesn’t like to really have sex at all anymore other than that. And we would do many many various things in bed together so it’s not like we could try something new that doesn’t cause dysphoria. We’ve talked about different options, like doing non sexual kink to relieve some tension and to relax together and connect physically, but that’s way too much for them right now. They said they feel disgusted by the thought that if we had sex I would be having sex with “them”. That they wish they could love me the ways i need but not have it be their body in the equation. Like the fact that she has to exist at all is crushing. Just thinking about her body or feeling sensations in it makes her shut down completely. She said she wants to make love with me but she hates herself. This situation is so heartbreaking on so many levels, but the lack of intimacy I feel is like a final straw of stress, sinking me deeply into despair and hopelessness. I feel terrible for thinking about my wants and needs when the most important thing is just getting through the week, or even day. I just miss the beautiful connection and chemistry we had, I miss making her feel so good, and so happy. Bringing her joy like she’d never felt before. I miss speaking love to her with our bodies. I miss watching her eyes fill with wonder, dotted with starry tears as she would open up for me. I feel so lost, I miss her so much. I just want everything to get better. I would lose the whole world if I ever lost her. I’m trying to get them accessing some resources but she’s not really doing much to make it happen. My next step is going to be sitting her down and saying, “today we are doing this together, we are signing you up for low cost therapy from the student counseling program.” I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but I know we can do this. I just want to see her safe and happy again. I cry to myself all the time about missing her, missing how she used to be. But she’s right beside me. It’s going to be okay, I just… I don’t know. I’m so tired and scared.
TL;DR suicidally dysphoric transfem partner can no longer bear to have sex. I miss sharing love with her in this way and I’m scared for the future, I just want to see her happy and safe.
Btw I am the transmasc person venting, per FTMventing. Just needed a safe place to let this out
My partner is transfem and the most amazing beautiful person I’ve ever met; I would go to the ends of the earth for her. I want to be hers forever and ever. A year ago she lost her health insurance and access to therapy; all of her necessary meds are so expensive now. We’ve been doing this song and dance trying to re-qualify for care, and in the meantime the love of my life has been spiraling into a deep depression, feeling intense dysphoria, and can barely look in the mirror. They still have access to HRT but with the state of the world (we’re disabled trans leftists in the US, for what it’s worth) and her mental health, finances, life shit- they’re suicidal and they are struggling so much every day. She stays at home and plays games, she lives in a state of disrepair, she has a hard time doing things to take care of herself. She is frequently overstimulated and has little capacity to reach out or be affectionate. She constantly doomscrolls because a moment alone with her mind sends her spiraling into extremely dark thoughts. She can’t even watch TV or movies with me because it’s not stimulating enough (she plays games and also listens to actual play shows and MtG games at the same time so there is no moment of silence at all). We stopped having regular sex months and months ago and she doesn’t like me touching her genitals at all anymore, only sometimes her breasts are okay but she doesn’t like them to be erotically stimulated at all, she doesn’t like to bottom or top, she doesn’t like to be caressed, rarely she’ll use her hands to get me off, but she doesn’t like to really have sex at all anymore other than that. And we would do many many various things in bed together so it’s not like we could try something new that doesn’t cause dysphoria. We’ve talked about different options, like doing non sexual kink to relieve some tension and to relax together and connect physically, but that’s way too much for them right now. They said they feel disgusted by the thought that if we had sex I would be having sex with “them”. That they wish they could love me the ways i need but not have it be their body in the equation. Like the fact that she has to exist at all is crushing. Just thinking about her body or feeling sensations in it makes her shut down completely. She said she wants to make love with me but she hates herself. This situation is so heartbreaking on so many levels, but the lack of intimacy I feel is like a final straw of stress, sinking me deeply into despair and hopelessness. I feel terrible for thinking about my wants and needs when the most important thing is just getting through the week, or even day. I just miss the beautiful connection and chemistry we had, I miss making her feel so good, and so happy. Bringing her joy like she’d never felt before. I miss speaking love to her with our bodies. I miss watching her eyes fill with wonder, dotted with starry tears as she would open up for me. I feel so lost, I miss her so much. I just want everything to get better. I would lose the whole world if I ever lost her. I’m trying to get them accessing some resources but she’s not really doing much to make it happen. My next step is going to be sitting her down and saying, “today we are doing this together, we are signing you up for low cost therapy from the student counseling program.” I am having a hard time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but I know we can do this. I just want to see her safe and happy again. I cry to myself all the time about missing her, missing how she used to be. But she’s right beside me. It’s going to be okay, I just… I don’t know. I’m so tired and scared.
TL;DR suicidally dysphoric transfem partner can no longer bear to have sex. I miss sharing love with her in this way and I’m scared for the future, I just want to see her happy and safe.
Btw I am the transmasc person venting, per FTMventing. Just needed a safe place to let this out
She's one of those freaks that enjoys the trans label for the sake of it.
At least she's employed, I guess.
I came out a while ago, around 15 years ago now. At the time I was just starting high school, and before the school year started I had cut my hair off, got a binder, started going by a different name and pronouns right off the bat, so I was out and one of a small handful of trans guy in my school. I kept it really masc/butch all the time. I wore my brothers clothes, I bound every single day, I wore a binder while swimming. It was important to me that people knew what I was going for, and I got a lot of questions but I also got gendered correctly most of the time even though I didn’t pass (pre-T).
When I was 18 I moved out and I started playing with femininity more, I learned makeup, I started getting more women’s clothes and drag. Immediately the people in my life who I thought were accepting turned their heels on me and said it was always just a phase, they knew the whole time that I wasn’t serious. They stopped gendering me correctly, I got deadnamed by people who knew my deadname. But I was very stubborn about it. I was mad. How come cis men could wear women’s clothes or try makeup and be praised for their gender nonconformity and their style, but when I did it I was just seen as a girl? I rejected that idea and I dove into fashion and expressed myself exactly how I wanted to.
Eventually I met a guy I liked and we got together. It ended up being one of the worst experiences of my life. He was bi, but he was not out. I went from asking him to refer to me as his boyfriend to his family to suddenly being slammed back into the closet by everyone I knew. I went to college and used my proper name and my pronouns but everyone just saw me as a woman and I didn’t have the heart to fight back and correct them. I applied for housing and jobs using my deadname because I was afraid of not being employed or having housing, so I was closeted at work and with my new roommates too. My boyfriend was deeply abusive and transphobic and I sank into a shell of myself.
When I finally got out of that relationship I sprang back to life in my 20’s and I raged hard against everything people were saying I was, or I was supposed to be. I’m super into fashion, I dress fem all the time. I am disabled and I cannot bind regularly so I wear bras for support (I have a massive chest), and I’ll be honest I get misgendered everywhere I go but I do correct people now. They look at me like I’m crazy but I just can’t live a lie anymore. I’m out at work but I get transphobic comments all the time even though I live in a highly progressive area. I would wear a he/him pronoun pin on my uniform and after two years of working there my managers told me I had to stop wearing it as it was against dress code. However all my other coworkers break code constantly. The manager who said it is a bully and i know she just wanted to make me feel isolated. I have been retaliated against and discriminated against. The other trans people at my job are both out but they’re more gender conforming and they always get gendered correctly. I think the cis people at my job just cannot possibly see me as anything but a woman, and they feel I’m forcing them to do something unnatural by insisting that they refer to me as a man. Sometimes I bind at work and wear men’s clothes and try to pass but no matter what I get misgendered by customers- honestly it’s more painful when I make an attempt and then get treated exactly the same. I really do think it’s because I have long hair and a short, curvy body. I have a deep baritone voice from T, my facial hair is blond so it’s basically invisible. The biggest plus is that I’ve never told anyone my deadname so it can’t be used against me. My mother, who gendered my correctly during all of high school, started she/her-ing me at 18 and hasn’t stopped for about 10 years now despite my constant protests. I feel so much conflict inside. I am 3 years on T and I don’t feel the need to pass, but getting misgendered every day makes me deeply unhappy and depressed. Men’s clothes are boring as hell. I love makeup; I’m a professional MUA. I will never stop being myself. Lately I’ve felt a lot of pressure to conform to cis-normative masculinity, but I’m fighting that with all my will. My wife is a beautiful transfeminine butch, and I live in a home with all rad leftist trans people. We hold each other up. I’ve had long hair for years now but I think about cutting it off just to see what I look like with short hair, now that I’ve been on T for a while.
All of this is to say, gender nonconformity can be a huge pain in the ass in this transphobic and cis centric world. But you have to be you at all costs. I would say we need more open and out gender nonconforming trans people. We need to be visible so others like us can find safety and security and the bravery to do it too. I don’t blame anyone for trying to pass or being stealth as it can be truly unsafe out there. But god I love us, I love trans people. We are so important and sacred and we have to live. We have to be ourselves. I will always be myself no matter what and that’s a promise. Best of luck to you. Enjoy your time on the planet, feel all the feelings and try new things. Be expressive and creative. Feel love. You will do amazing!!
When I was 18 I moved out and I started playing with femininity more, I learned makeup, I started getting more women’s clothes and drag. Immediately the people in my life who I thought were accepting turned their heels on me and said it was always just a phase, they knew the whole time that I wasn’t serious. They stopped gendering me correctly, I got deadnamed by people who knew my deadname. But I was very stubborn about it. I was mad. How come cis men could wear women’s clothes or try makeup and be praised for their gender nonconformity and their style, but when I did it I was just seen as a girl? I rejected that idea and I dove into fashion and expressed myself exactly how I wanted to.
Eventually I met a guy I liked and we got together. It ended up being one of the worst experiences of my life. He was bi, but he was not out. I went from asking him to refer to me as his boyfriend to his family to suddenly being slammed back into the closet by everyone I knew. I went to college and used my proper name and my pronouns but everyone just saw me as a woman and I didn’t have the heart to fight back and correct them. I applied for housing and jobs using my deadname because I was afraid of not being employed or having housing, so I was closeted at work and with my new roommates too. My boyfriend was deeply abusive and transphobic and I sank into a shell of myself.
When I finally got out of that relationship I sprang back to life in my 20’s and I raged hard against everything people were saying I was, or I was supposed to be. I’m super into fashion, I dress fem all the time. I am disabled and I cannot bind regularly so I wear bras for support (I have a massive chest), and I’ll be honest I get misgendered everywhere I go but I do correct people now. They look at me like I’m crazy but I just can’t live a lie anymore. I’m out at work but I get transphobic comments all the time even though I live in a highly progressive area. I would wear a he/him pronoun pin on my uniform and after two years of working there my managers told me I had to stop wearing it as it was against dress code. However all my other coworkers break code constantly. The manager who said it is a bully and i know she just wanted to make me feel isolated. I have been retaliated against and discriminated against. The other trans people at my job are both out but they’re more gender conforming and they always get gendered correctly. I think the cis people at my job just cannot possibly see me as anything but a woman, and they feel I’m forcing them to do something unnatural by insisting that they refer to me as a man. Sometimes I bind at work and wear men’s clothes and try to pass but no matter what I get misgendered by customers- honestly it’s more painful when I make an attempt and then get treated exactly the same. I really do think it’s because I have long hair and a short, curvy body. I have a deep baritone voice from T, my facial hair is blond so it’s basically invisible. The biggest plus is that I’ve never told anyone my deadname so it can’t be used against me. My mother, who gendered my correctly during all of high school, started she/her-ing me at 18 and hasn’t stopped for about 10 years now despite my constant protests. I feel so much conflict inside. I am 3 years on T and I don’t feel the need to pass, but getting misgendered every day makes me deeply unhappy and depressed. Men’s clothes are boring as hell. I love makeup; I’m a professional MUA. I will never stop being myself. Lately I’ve felt a lot of pressure to conform to cis-normative masculinity, but I’m fighting that with all my will. My wife is a beautiful transfeminine butch, and I live in a home with all rad leftist trans people. We hold each other up. I’ve had long hair for years now but I think about cutting it off just to see what I look like with short hair, now that I’ve been on T for a while.
All of this is to say, gender nonconformity can be a huge pain in the ass in this transphobic and cis centric world. But you have to be you at all costs. I would say we need more open and out gender nonconforming trans people. We need to be visible so others like us can find safety and security and the bravery to do it too. I don’t blame anyone for trying to pass or being stealth as it can be truly unsafe out there. But god I love us, I love trans people. We are so important and sacred and we have to live. We have to be ourselves. I will always be myself no matter what and that’s a promise. Best of luck to you. Enjoy your time on the planet, feel all the feelings and try new things. Be expressive and creative. Feel love. You will do amazing!!
Freak.
